Messages

Verbal Ventilation.  A requirement for healing?
I am wondering of I really need VV with a professional to get past this mpst recent epiphany about who I am; what made me this way.

There's no doubt it would certainly be helpful.  A (hopefully) safe space for getting it all out there; for getting another perspective to feelings I cannot find my way around. 

But if I insist to myself that I need that, I if I cannot access it, then that leaves me in even more of a stress than before! 

So somehow I need to hope that I get the funding (one month and still waiting to hear), whilst still somehow moving forward without help, and fully expect to continue moving forward without professional help.

Im not quite sure how to achieve this, other than letting go of the expectation of support and moving forward from that point.
Will I get the pro support?  Maybe, who knows.  So what can I do in the meantime?

I can continue trying to get enough sleep! (I have strategies!).
When I have had enough sleep the triggers are less (reactivity is less) and the EFs less and the acting out into freeze or dissociation is less.  When all these things align, I have more pleasant experience of everyday life (i think thats probably true for everyone with the sleep!).  I feel more confident.  Intrusive (unconsciously generated) thoughts are less.  The bpdy is calm. The breath is still.  I am free to love and contribute. 

So what happens if I cann ot get enough sleep?  Well certainly past experience would say that I will be on the edge of my own personal *.  On the edge of running away (flight) from my own life and responsibilities.  On the edge of coping.  On the edge of contributing or not.   

It is at these no (less) sleep times, that I wonder if happiness is even really a thing.  Thats how much the mind can twist into shapes of feeling and contort to narrow possibilites of pain and discomfort. 

I start to panic at these times.  I panic about how will I ever get enough sleep?  As health feels like it is unravelling, i barely sustain work.  If I cant sustain work then how will I ever get my own place.  If I cant do that then I will always have to suffer (!) the comings and goings of others.  So then I imagine a future of no sleep.  Its amazing where the mind goes, given a chance, it will lead down a dark path!!!

Have a stretch, go to bed, wear your ear plugs, pray for sleep. 

Its been nearly 4 weeks since I started the low dose nervous system soother med. At first it worked really well (for about 3 weeks) for impulsivity.  But now the impulsivity is showing itself again.
It could just be because I am horridly tired.  The kind of tired where you dream of calling in sick just so you can perhaps catch up on some zzzs (noisy neighbours).
Everything gets a bit harder when we are tired doesnt it.
My mind certainly goes wandering when Im tired.  I think everyone is against me in some small way.
I believe that everyone is nit picking my words or actions or looks, or past actions or past words!!  I believe I am being judged harshly. 
And I also have a brand new stress that, now I come to think of it, is grating me quite badly, and I dont really know what to do about it.
If I explained fully here, It would leave me open to identification.  But lets say my personal information is in serious breach with medical establishment.  A non clinical staff member has had access to my information, and it is someone I would rather not know a thing about me.  It is a very unsettling and unsafe situation.
I dont really know what to do about it.  Ill speak to the clinical staff tomorrow and find out exactly what is going on.  I will potentially cease contact but its too late already.  I dont trust the person to keep the information confidential.  Too many lines have been crossed.
I better not dramatise it before I get my facts straight, but yes, Id say that extra stress and the tiredness have meant I am back in those old patterns. 

Id say that learning the proper, full and slow/steady breathing, plus some stretches and leg balances, is way more important than moving around a lot and doing 'pretzel' or fast/strong yoga.
Yoga got caught up in an adult cycle of my trauma, so that I was triggered into EF when I went to yoga!  It was a catch 22!!  After a long break, I went back but am way less demanding of myself,  I modify poses too.  The teachers just know I have a 'medical condition' and self manage during classes.  Meditation is a real help as it quietens the amygdala of brain, the part that generates fear and hypervigilence.  I am a MUCH calmer, happier and balanced person when I meditate regularly.
A well meaning teacher advised me to give it a break if I was feeling anxious but this was very bad advice to give me.  I then got out of the habit of meditating, and amygdala went beserk and then it became very very hard to settle for meditation.  I'm still finding my way back. 
I love mantra and breath awareness meditations. With a little practice, it becomes much easier, and the thoughts naturally swing there, instead of to old intrusive thoughts. 
  I always think its a shame when theres a 'hard' physical class for an hour, with hardly any breaks, followed by a 2-5 minute lie down!  Thats just the fashion these days.  In my opinion, A good yoga class should include a 10 or more minute relation at the end.

Yay thats great!!!!  What made the difference for you?

Makes perfect sense!  I havent hit that time of life yet, but of course I notice the vast difference between mid cycle high estrogen (easy to cope days) and the end of cycle low estrogen days (PMS blues, hypersensitive).
It doesnt surprise me at all that a bit more estrogen has got you feeling better.  So happy for you that its working out  

Short video explaining why/how mantra meditation is so beneficial (some might say essential) for people dealing with hypervigilence from trauma.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFM7ZsgRrJk

Today was great, and then very backwards
Had a great day with friend talking about these topics.
But havent slept well in over a week.  And another thing is making me ultrasenstive. and then a trigger struck for an emo flashback.  And I guess I didnt give myself any time to just sit with it. 
My usual distraction technique that hasnt visited for some time, reared its head unexpectedly. 
I feel angry at the situation that caused the lack of sleep.  its actually a neighbour making lots of noise AM and PM so there is no decent window of sleep.  They are going away in just over 2 week so there will be some respite. But until then?  I feel all grumbly.  Why is there always something to get in the way of wellbeing.  I just want to sleep!  Its not asking much is it?
Grr angry at being so tired that I slipped into distraction instead of dealing with myself. grrr.

Crikey!  I can only imagine that your therapist knows that they dont have the skills to help you, and that is a trigger for them, and so they tried to avoid apts with you, but instead of being honest and saying "I am not the right person to help you" they slipped into their own pathological avoid-ant patterns perhaps?
Good luck. 
I have had a few therapists online that were quite good.  Perhaps you could try an online psychotherapist?  Or anyone who specialises on cptsd you can find online? 

Hi there.
I am trying topamax (a very low dose in the evening).

I originally wanted to try it to help with compulsive behaviour/addictions (mainly distracting with food, and screen addiction) that were wasting a whole lot of my energy, productivity and thoughts. 

When I went to discuss with doc, this was when he first mentioned complex ptsd to me!  He thought topamax could be worth a go as it is also a mood stabiliser and sometimes used off label for PTSD.

It worked instantly for settling the compulsiveness.  I dont know if its placebo or because i can finally understand some things about myself !  Instead of distracting with compulsions I now really feel what I was trying to distract from which isnt easy, hence having talk therapy as well.

Topamax (topirimate) can have some terrible side effects for people but my dose is so low its all good for me.  I dont take any other psychiatric meds at this time.

Started this post for people to learn and share topamax experiences.

Visit with a pro for my first real chat about this today.
Was good to just have a yarn.
At the end it was suggested that I understand how the adult who abused our household came to be that way.   I did all of that a long time ago.   But at that time I hadn't understood why I was such a messed up little girlie with so much angst and self harm and drugs and on.  At that time I had still believed his words that I was born rotten.  Now I understand I was shaped that way.  Passed on pain.
So maybe now I can get on  with forgiveness from a new vantage.   I really don't have the energy to anger again,  or despise him like he despised me and probably how he felt despised by his family member.
But I do have to learn to deal with all the triggers.  Firstly the b%%% at work.  And the current sleep derivativation.  And waiting for my period to just happen for the tension release feel.  And the illness I now live with as a result of years of hypervigiilrnce and self abuse.  It's certainly all making sense. And I have already decided to cut the hours at work if it's too much again tomorrow. I am the only one who has the power to self manage health and the only one who will do what's right for herself.   So I will do what is required.
I wonder if I can have a chance at relationship again.

 dream from two nights ago....
I am snot sleeping very well at all the past 4 nights.  Really bad.  So i guess im more sensitised to triggers.
And its just before my period.  Some Im more sensitised to my triggers. 

Triggers current:

1 - In the house I live, one person you can never do anything right. Im on edge always at 'home' just waiting to be told off. The person has such curt and cold communication style as well.  I cant relax.  I have been turning again to my distractions, which then create a whole nother pile of mental crap on top of what is already there.  Im doing so well, I dont want a person in a house to be the thing that edges me off into severe discomfort again, but I dont know how to handle these (emo flashbacks?) yet.

2 - At work (short contract) there is some bitchiness and cliqueiness and everyone is stressed.  One person is always snappy at tme, she defo directs her * at me, and giggles with everyone else.  She defo doesnt use wise speech, but I can guess she is stressed and just mouthing off/acting out as part of her own stress handling.  I found it interesting that in the team meeting, the leader said "please remember to be considerate in the way you are talking about things, as our work is also a personal matter, we all put a lot of time and effort into our work.  If you speak badly of the work, people will take it personally, so please be considerate in the way you are speaking".  nailed it.  The one woman who directs her * at me isnt thinking about repercussions on others, doesnt seem to care.  I dont want to be there.  If I could make it so I dont have to go back, I would, but we all need to work right?  Its a massive trigger for me; to be mocked and snarled at and targetted in a seemingly personal way.  On top of that, its in an environment where noone seems particularly happy.  Ill speak to the agency.  If they have anything else I will leave.  Life is too short to spend it dreading going somewhere, and leaving a bit early because you feel so pulled down by being there.

3 - My car smells of burning.   Ive had 2 car accidents ('regular' PTSD) so burning smell is a massive trigger for me.

4 - Im preparing to speak to a pro this week, and I have been doing lots of reading about abuse/cptsd, yet have no outlet, so its all building up.  Into a emo flashback/pms tension triggered distraction seeking, self loathing, freeze type, imploding boom.

Oh the dream!  I was in an old house on top of a hill.  Like you see in Count Dracula movies up a hill.  Only the house wasnt like that; It was more a wooden shack.  I was waiting for other cptsd survivors to arrive!  I was waiting so they could tell me if I was the same as them.  I was quite anxious for them to arrive before some other entity did.  I  needed to know this as a priority.  I kept walking around the room, looking out through cracks between the wooden planks, into the darkness outside.  I could tell someone was coming but I didnt think it was the people who already had a diagnosis and I felt scared and desperate for a comrade to arrive.  I checked outside, and as I swung back inside someone ran through indoors quickly.  I was scared.  It was an overgrown boy carrying a scarecrow.  The boy was grinning at me, as if I should have been happy to see him arrive, yet I was scared.  Although I felt uneasy, I was no longer scared, I could see he was not going to physically threaten me.  But I had no idea what to do with him.  He was in my space and I didnt want him there, but also I felt sorry for him so how could I chuck him out?  And I was concerned that if I did, he would turn.  The dream ended.  It wasnt until waking state that I realised the face of the boy was the face of my Dad (the supposed abuser) as a child. 

I figure a scarecrow is not going to really harm.  My Dad just wanted/s to be loved like anybody else, but was awkward about it.  Like I am awkward about it.  I didnt want him there, just like he didnt want me there.  I wasnt happy to see him arrive, just as he wasnt happy to see me arrive when I paid my parents a surprise visit.   I had literally got my camera out to photo what I thought would be their welcoming smiles, but my Dad came to the door with an unmistakable grimace "oh no, what are you doing here?".  I have the photo to prove it.  There is no joy or shock in his eyes, only dismay.  'I was only joking' he said later 'you're too sensitive you are'. My heart was sunken.  On my last visit (there are years between visits), I had tears welling up in my eyes, which anyone could have noticed.  Did he not  notice, or did he not know how to respond, or did he not want to respond (dont want to deal with that, dont encourage it).  And he is the one who called me (as a child and teenager) stone hearted, cold, *.  Wonder where I got that from. 

My Mum told me that I was very huggy until I was 10.  I wonder what happened then?  Tween hormones?  Cant blame it on drink or drugs or boys at 10, thats for sure.  I can palpably remember body shame from 11, and I was a chubber before that (puppy fat).  I wonder if my Dad used to call me fat. I would have heard him snarling at Mum calling her fat, that's for sure.  He used that as ammunition, without a doubt.

Since this has all started coming up again, I dont want to talk much to him on the phone. I want to talk to Mum.  But shes always asleep.  Poor Dad.  He thinks we got past what ever was there.  I had never realised what was there to look at.  I didnt realise how sadistic you were before (Dad person).  You slaved your guts out working for us, but you resented us for it.  You would have probably resented us anyway, for some other reason, as your pain had to come out in some direction.  And hey.  Little me.  Easy target.  You was not counting on me being uncontrollable, wayward, rebellious.  You didnt know id run to the wrong side of the tracks and hang with those people.  You didnt know it would totally blow up in your face.  You had no idea the despising you dished out would make your life a misery as I mirrored it right back to you.  You didnt know you 'little girl' who you left stinging in the nettles (yet defended from a dog) would cut herself and loathe herself and blame herself (just as you had made her believe) for everyone elses pain and suffering.  What was it?  Evil?  Yes evil is what you called me.  Evil little girl.  Horrible little girl.  Viscous. 

A punch couldnt stop me (that was for a hickie, bit OTT dont you think? Oh well - had the effect of me seeking lots of sex at 15/16, so nice tactic, go you, great parenting).  Mum saved me from strangulation.  I cant remember how that one felt.  Dont know how tight or for how long.  Probably very quick. Mum was strong when she wanted to be.  You defo never said sorry for that.  Ive just realised in this very moment that you never ever said sorry for any of it.  "Sorry for punching you.  Sorry for hitting you. Sorry for scaring you. Sorry for taking my anger out on you.  Sorry for scaring your friends away.  Sorry for only communicating with anger or appraisal of achievements.  Sorry for being so * confusing by giving you things like school trips and an education and music lessons and letting you think that practical needs were the only needs."  You never said sorry.  Ever wonder why I was such a * teenager who had zero respect for your rules and walked right past your boundaries and then some and never saw the need to apologise.   "you do whatever you like you do, you don't give a * about anyone else, how the f did I end up with s s like you?".  Hmm, wonder where I learnt it from.  Mirror mirror.  And up until this point, I really had seen the teenage behaviour as a mystery.  I thought I was just a born *. 
* u.

2012 ACSA PRACTICE GUIDELINES
FOR TREATMENT OF
COMPLEX TRAUMA
AND TRAUMA INFORMED CARE
AND SERVICE DELIVERY
https://www.recoveryonpurpose.com/upload/ASCA_Practice%20Guidelines%20for%20the%20Treatment%20of%20Complex%20Trauma.pdf

Todays update, 10 Sep 18.
Ive done so much reading on cPTSD that its now nauseating!
Ive got so many questions for a professional.  I want to know if the 'nasty' things he did and said to me and my mum were not okay. 
Since the second pro suggested to me cPTSD, I felt like the final piece of the jigsaw of what makes me, me, has slot into place.  Aha!  I finally get me!   That was not normal stuff that went down!  I can relax around that.
Its not normal to be a malevolent adult male, watch your Wife have a breakdown, and then scapegoat it on your challenging teenager.  Why is she challenging?  Because youre malevolent perhaps? Who knows?  Memories are too fragmented for me to have any objective perspective on them.
Topirimate 25, melatonin 1.5, lavender, breathing, mindful, walking, nature, yoga. Geez now I know why all the alternative strategies didnt help me for long in the past.  Now I know why I burnt out.  Now I know why that last relationship was a massive retrigger.

Starting to make sense of cPTSD as a cause for BED:

Eating Issues / POSSIBLE TRIGGER My experience with food / body issues, as a symptom
« on: September 07, 2018, 12:24:11 PM »
Imy not sure yet , but it seems to.me as though the (my) father was the bully with his own unique blend of stress, paranoia,  loneliness and probably cptsd from his own life.   He took it out on me with anger , physical  and verbal hostility,  mocking.  It was a weird world.  One where I could be welcomed one minute and despised the next.  It certainly wasn't safe,  either physically or emotionally.
I wasn't the only one who suffered this.  My mum got it .  Name calling,  physical abuse,  control.   She was stressed and depressed to the max at times though feelings were smothered in our house so I felt all this but it was never acknowledged.   I heard her shrieks and cries though.  And their hollering.   
I'm not sure if mums eating to cope was already a thing she did before dad,  but I noticed it happening.  And I joined in from an early age on the restriction diets.  And later , on my own,  I joined in on secret binging.  Then occasional purging.  Then my flight type enjoyed compulsive exercise! !  Then the burnt out body became sick and once again, numbed out (freeze type) with movies and binging.   As the weight went on and all the self loathing (dad's name calling and learnt isolation ) unconsciously took me down its path to nowhere,  I decided purging was my only option.  It was still only 'occasional' , but once I noticed I was up to once a week,  I knew I had a problem I couldn't solve alone.
I made myself stop and presumed fat fear would stop me binging but it didn't!  Fat fear didn't make me compulsively exercise either.  Or even moderately exercise!   This was something new I had no idea who I was now or how to handle it.
Glad to be rid of some behaviour but stuck with others!
That's when I went to doc and he told me about cptsd.  It made a lot of sense.
I've always had the food and body image issues, but I could never find a root cause for them.
no matter how closely I had looked , I could nor find anything rotten enough that happened to me.
I had decided years ago (wrongly it seems ) that I had food and body issues because I was brought up with them,  mirroring my mother and society in general.
What I had never seen clearly before is the harsh environment that both my mother and I were in.  The fat shaming,  the atmosphere of control and fear;  the needing to be something different to attempt to pacify the jekyll and Hyde that monitored us. 
Besides the family pain and feeling that,  I was blamed for my mother's breakdown (f you dad, you can take that one),  a robbery of my parents business,  I was punched, throttled,  left to pick myself up when I fell in a bed of nettles at 6 (dad walked off ), called all sorts of things like " unlovable,  cold hearted * (well yes u had become that by teens hadn't I! ), Noone will ever put up with you,  that won't last (any relationship ), fat, stupid,  horrid little girl ". 
I think that's enough for today.
Since I found about cptsd, I have taken a very low dose of a med to help with sleeping and have been having 3 meals a day.  It's like a switch flicked.
Acknowledgement is key.
And I guess I am just ripe for healing.
I've certainly put the yards in to get to this point.
Best wishes to all.

September 07, 2018, 04:16:12 AM »
Thank you everyone for the welcome,  encouragement and book recommendation 😀😀  looking forward to finding my way around.
when I was 15 I described a feeling in my chest of aching ice cold.   There's still. That sensation there.   A hurt in my chest.  I think it's the aloneness.  My heart is all alone.   I'm here to heal 😀