Messages

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6kBZNToS5Y

I love this song by Poe, "Control." Actually the entire album its on, "Haunted," is amazing for trauma feels. Lyrics below.

Don't you mess with a little girl's dream
'Cause she's liable to grow up mean

Surprised you to find that I'm laughing?
You thought that you'd find me in tears
You thought I'd be crawling the walls
Like a tiny mosquito and trembling in fear

Well you may be king for the moment
But I am a queen understand
And I've got your pawns and your bishops
And castles
All inside the palm of my hand

While you were looking the other way
While you had your eyes closed
While you were licking your lips
'Cause I was miserable
While you were selling your soul
While you were tearing a hole in me

I was taking control

Now I have taken control
Now I have taken control...

This is beginning to feel good
Watching you squirm in your shoes
A small bead of sweat on your brow
And a growl in your belly your scared to let through

You thought you could keep me from loving
You thought you could feed on my soul
But while you were busy destroying my life
What was half in me has become whole

While you were looking the other way
While you had your eyes closed
While you were licking your lips
'Cause I was miserable
While you were selling your soul
While you were tearing a hole in me

I was taking control

Now I have taken control
Now I have taken control...

So this is how it feels
To breath in the summer air
The feel the sand between my toes
And love inside my ear
All those things that you taught me to fear
I've got them in my garden now
And your not welcome here

Come a little bit closer
Let me look at you
I gave you the benefit
Of the doubt it's true
But keep in mind my darling
Not every saint is a fool

While you were looking the other way
While you had your eyes closed
While you were licking your lips
'Cause I was miserable
While you were selling your soul
While you were tearing a hole in me

I was taking control

Now I have taken control
Now I have taken control...

Don't you mess with me

Father: there has to be more to life than this, because in our
confrontation with a cold cold universe, there is something comical
to the idea that we can really impose our will on humanity-- power corrupts!

Daughter :
This is scaring me

Father and daughter 2:

Daughter : ...I live at the end of a 5 and 1/2 minute hallway

Father:
And at the end of it all lies of course the final
phenomenon of deterioration entropy, which is a predictable
disintegrations which the creative life ceases: everything has to fall apart.

Daughter:
Why are you always so serious?!

So encouraging to hear about positive experiences with EMDR! I had EMDR a couple of times but it was with a really bad, creepy therapist who had this amazing ability to tear down my self esteem RIGHT after the EMDR session was wrapped up. It kind of turned me off the whole thing. Maybe I should try again!

Thanks for the welcomes from everyone. I did already check out the adult forum.

Things that helped me:

• Talk therapy
• Getting a cat (weird but true, emotional support animals are great)
• The right medication
• Getting rid of co-morbid addictions and self-destructive behavior
• Tons of journaling
• Loud, cathartic music, and emotional movies
• Meditation

All of those things used in the right time and place have helped me a lot, but they definitely haven't "cured" or "fixed" me. I've found recovery to be about doing lots of little things to edge myself in a more positive direction.

Hi. I'm Johnny. Please pardon my dry and sarcastic tone while talking about my trauma-- it's my way of coping.

I was diagnosed with PTSD several years ago-- though not officially diagnosed with C-PTSD. I'm starting to feel like "just plain old PTSD" doesn't really describe my situation.

When I was 18 I was kidnapped, imprisoned, raped and physically abused for four solid days. Then a couple of years later I decided it would be a good idea to date two sociopaths at once (it's a long story). In between, I experienced a lot of unrelated traumatic nonsense due to being transgender and experiencing abuse and discrimination around that.

Between all of that, I developed all the PTSD and C-PTSD symptoms you would expect, alongside alcoholism and self-harm. The flashbacks, the insomnia, the nightmares, the whole "complete loss of faith in humanity" bit, all that fun stuff.

Eventually I got sober, got some good therapy and psych meds, and generally began to heal.

But I am not "all better" and I doubt I ever will be. Sometimes I get so tired from trying to act like I'm "all better now" and I feel really lonely. Also, I know a lot of abuse and rape survivors, but I don't know many other people who are kidnapping survivors... I feel like the experience of imprisonment is such a crucial part of my trauma and also this formative experience that made me who I am, for better or worse.

I guess I am here looking for stories to relate to.

That's it from me for now.

-J