Overcoming recent abuse TW

[ednasurvivalmode]

I don't want to trigger anyone but there may be triggers in here.

My family and I moved to a new area a while back. We love the place, the only neighbor owned the land around us. An elderly man in his 80s. We all tried to get along with him. Slowly, we got to know him, he took advantage of our kindness. He began coming over multiple times a day, especially when my husband was away. I began to feel irritated and exhausted very quickly. Then, I would shame myself for feeling this way. He wanted me to sit with him in his car, alone. I have been an elderly caretaker and an adult special needs care provider so this seemed like loneliness to me. His wife has been gone, he lives alone, etc. He took advantage of my kindness and began to be inappropriate with me. I thought, this man is likely senile, so I clearly stated my boundaries. One day it went too far and I walked away feeling cheap and gross and spent every moment that weekend feeling worthless and hopeless. I couldn't tell my husband because the last time this happened, my family blamed me and shamed me and kept the abuser happy and in their lives. I also didn't want to see this man again. I struggled with forcing myself to face this mess I got myself into until something in me screamed to tell my husband. When I did, he met me with compassion and he reassured me that I did nothing wrong and had not deserved what happened now or in the past. The next week, the man came by, honked his horn behind my house and my children had to watch me go into panic attacks. After my husband confronted him, he retaliated, the police were called, which triggered me from childhood situations, and were told that he didn't come onto our property and there was nothing we could do. This man drove by, used flying monkeys, played his games daily for months.

It took me a while to forgive me. I still haven't forgiven him. Something he had told me was that my M had told him that I had a hard life and told him all about me. Come to find out, she drove over an hour to pass my home and went for a ride with him shortly after I went NC. I try so hard to move forward in my life. This felt worse than before because I'm an adult now. I've come so far. I kept feeling the worst feeling; I couldn't protect myself.

Trust is something that I cannot fully give. There's always going to be a part of me that never shows. As I've read many accounts here, I don't feel so alone. Recently, I joined a self defense class, in spite of myself and so far, it's working out. Physical touch some days are harder than others and I freeze a lot when someone comes near me. But I relish the mental aspect of it. And I hate being afraid. A friend told me to not show my fear to these people. I know this, I've often been able to remain emotionless and fight back but I haven't had to in many years(because I'm not as social) and now I fear my anger, which is something I am working on. Somehow, I heard it better from someone I respect. I have learned, since going NC with my OF, that to have people to rely on is important. I couldn't rely on them growing up but I can create safety for myself now and that can take some adjusting. Some have let me down but I have a few I can count on. I heard someone mention ptsd for years but I never looked it up until this happened. The attacks were alarming for me and those in my home. At times, I had trouble separating the past from the present. To know that it's a normal response is helpful. I wanted to share this because I hope someone can find something to take away from it. I hope that someone who has suffered at the hands of another can find hope in fighting back, allowing anger to drive healthy responses and even forgiving yourself if you're not there yet. I needed care and isolation for a while but with help, I am slowly finding a way through this.

[Papa Coco]

Edna,

Your story touches my heart. I'm pretty angry at the old man and your Narcissistic M going to the lengths they did to intimidate and manipulate you. That's so inexcusable.

I struggle, as do you, with knowing that I'm an adult, but repeatedly being turned back into a frightened child when manipulators attack. My therapist tells me to remember that this is trauma in play, and then he encourages me to feel the fear and identify how it's affecting me physically. By sensing the physical feelings, and then sometimes even saying out loud, "I feel you", I'm physically connecting my adult self with the inner child.

The child within is usually identified with a cold shaking in my chest and throat, and then a sense of numbing across my face. Once I've made contact with the frightened trauma part of myself, I give it love. Lots and lots and lots of love. I say to it, "I know you're scared. I'm scared too. Can I just be scared with you?" the more I, as the adult, share in the fear with the scared child that lives within me, the calmer that child becomes. It's a version of parts-work.

While the trauma will always be a trigger, by loving and sharing the scared parts within, I'm bringing my scared parts some peace and some sense that they are not alone and vulnerable as they used to be when I was small with them. But I'm big now. And my parts enjoy knowing I'm on their side now.

I don't know if this is helpful for you. But loving my inner parts really helps me, so I thought I'd just share how I do it with you.

[ednasurvivalmode]

Papa Coco,
 
It's a comfort to know you understand. Lately, I have to be very aware of the enmeshment with my M and how I play a roll in my own mental health with her. I allow myself to think from her perspective and dissociate with myself, I guess. I forget that I'm living for me, in my body. Does that make sense? That's the way my brain protected me before. I begin to not only worry what she's thinking, I do the same with anyone else it seems. I am currently having vision issues and I am afraid of what the outcome of my next appointment will be. I feel pretty vulnerable, honestly. I broke down this morning, shaking uncontrollably and crying. My husband was there for me today. Sometimes a hug and someone telling me I'm ok is simply needed. Thank you for taking the time to respond kindly. It means so much! I will try and remember to sit with these feelings, as you shared, and allow them space.

I am also sorry that you have experienced any of what I have.

[Papa Coco]

Hi Edna,

I'm so sorry to hear about how you broke down this morning.

I can really relate to what you say about how your M and others get into your head. I have a serious problem with that as well. I have to say that it started getting a lot better after I read two books, the best one being The Sociopath Next Door by Dr. Martha Stout. What I've personally learned about my own life is that the narcissists who raised and gaslighted me from birth figured out how to get into my head and they parked themselves there.

I believe it's a version of Hypervigilance, in that my brain now is always on high alert as I work to keep others out of my head. 

I'm reminded of the coolest teacher I ever had. He was my ninth grade Algebra teacher. His name was Lwanga. He had no last name. He was born and raised in the jungles of Africa, educated by the British, and immigrated to the US as an adult. He used to tell us stories of his time "in the bush" which is what he called the jungle. He said that he was always on alert, watching for snakes and predatory animals and dangerous insects. It had given him some superhuman powers in that he could be writing on the chalk board, facing his back to the classroom. And when one of us raised a hand, from far behind him, he would state our name and ask what we wanted. Like he had eyes on the back of his head. We were a bunch of 14-year-olds who would then go "whoa that is so cool!!!"  40 years later I learned the word Hypervigilance. I related it as my emotional version of Lwanga's physical life living in his world filled with dangers waiting to strike him at every moment.

I wasn't in a physical jungle, but my head was a jungle, and my family were the snakes and dangerous predators. I couldn't see someone raising a hand behind my back, but I am good at predicting how certain people will abuse me as soon as I get too close to them. I grew up knowing the rule: Everything I say can and will be used against me eventually by some twisted logic engineered by one of the narcissists in my life.

I spent my life running scripts in my head of what my narcissistic family was going to say next to or about me, trying to not say anything that they can twist and use against me. It's no wonder I live in oscillating states of anxiety and depression. I spent my life trying so hard to stay a step ahead of their lies and criticisms and insults that I just...went...mad. For many years, I numbed the voices with alcohol. But ten years ago, the alcohol became the bigger problem and I had to go into recovery. I then started spending--"retail therapy" they call it. I tried numbing with medications. Nothing really helped until I started reading books on how to deal with narcissists and sociopaths (Synonyms in my world).

Back before I read the books and began pushing narcissists out of my head, I used to hear their voices constantly. Not like I was schizophrenic, but like they were the voices of my many inner critics. I was just worn down always trying to stay one step ahead of them. I had to try and predict how they were going to hurt me every time I tried to find a way to talk with them.

It's crazy-making. These unintelligent manipulators very nearly drove me insane. They did drive me to suicide three times...all three times I was rescued at the last minute by someone from out of nowhere. And that's their intent. THAT IS THEIR INTENT. Not to interact with you, but to compete with you. To beat you. To win. They think that every sentence spoken is a competition that they need to win. You aren't allowed to be happy around them or they'll find your panic button and push it so that you'll become miserable again. They do it because it's fun for them to watch us squirm. They're much more horrible people than we give them credit for. We enable them by deciding to believe that they aren't as cold and uncaring as they really are.

As I learn more and more about what cold-hearted, simple narcissists really are, I have begun to gain a better and better ability to not let them into my head. Naturally it takes time, but that book was a massive revelation for me when I read it some 10 years ago or more. It opened my eyes to better understand how the simplistic mind of a narcissist really works. They're all the same. Exactly the same. They want what you have and will pull any mean trick to either take it from you, or at least ruin it so you can no longer enjoy it. They intentionally create chaos so they can take control. They're not smart enough to have control in an honest world, so they create chaos with lies and cheats and gossip and insults because they know they aren't smart enough to take what you have within the rules of social order.

They drive us insane when we believe they have hearts. Once we discover and accept that they are nothing but predators who don't have hearts, we begin to feel ourselves loosening from their grips. The one thing that nearly did me in, was some part of me believed that a day would come when they would realize the damage they'd done and would come to me with an apology. When I realized they were never going to become capable of feeling remorse, I sort of...broke free from them.

My heart is with yours. I am not, by any stretch, healed. But I'm better. Much, much better. I have come a long way in my ability to not let these vampires into my head. It all started with two simple books. In Sheep's Clothing, by Dr George K Simon and The Sociopath Next Door by Dr. Martha Stout.

[ednasurvivalmode]

Papa Coco,

Thank you for sharing the story of your favorite teacher. It made me laugh! That is an interesting perspective. For a while, I began to really live for me until this event took place. I feel like it set me back, as far as my thoughts go. Hypervigilance is one way to put it. It seems like we have similar childhood experiences. Hearing your story has helped me to feel less ashamed.

I have read In Sheep's Clothing many years ago. After reading it, I applied it to my F, not my M. I needed to believe one of my parents cared and tried. Until I realized that I could live and make decisions on my own, I reached out to her for support that I wouldn't receive and I would take to heart her criticism and blame myself. Looking back, it was an abusive cycle that I allowed. The hatred and jealousy I've experienced since asserting my independence from her has helped me to see her intentions aren't as pure as she says. I should take time to read it again. It's possible that something I didn't take into consideration before might jump out to me now. And I will check out The Sociopath Next Door.

I am anxious about the days that I have yet to face. I know that there will be retaliation and some days I feel more ready to face that than others. I remind myself that I am the one making decisions in my life now.

As always, thank you for your time.

[Papa Coco]

Edna,

I have deep desire to send you a big virtual hug. 

What you're going through right now is tugging at my heart strings and I just have to let you know that.

I used to think there was no power in these emojis, but when people send them to me I feel them. So I've learned that when I really feel like a hug would fix things, I send them.

In fact, what the heck? Here's a second one.

[ednasurvivalmode]

Thank you for your kindness and understanding. And the virtual hugs!