Very new to this. Pretty scared.

[mandathepanda]

Hi everyone

I come to this group following a sudden realisation that I *might* be suffering from CPTSD. I haven't been feeling "right" for a while (which is nothing new given the past I've had), but just lately my inability to manage ANYTHING, coupled with severe inertia and inability to motivate myself and carry out the day to day things I need to has got much much worse. My finances are a mess, and I'm 47 now. I have lots of debt, and an inability to grasp the mettle and cope with such things which has really blighted my whole life. To others, I seem bright, successful and together, but this is just a mask and it's high time I took it off and dealt with things. By chance I read about CPTSD a few days ago and I have barely stopped crying since. It just fits. I plan to go to the GP tomorrow, but I thought I would see if anyone has some advice first.

I had a very traumatic childhood. Violence, traumatic separation, the discovery at 13 that my "Dad" wasn't my Dad, a narcissitic mother who married a paedophile after my "Dad" left, who went on to have two children by him who were then taken into care and adopted. It was horrific. My mother was particularly viscious, but between her and my father they succeeded in verbally and physically destroying me at every opportunity, especially as their marriage failed. They even kicked the family dog so repeatedly (my pet) so that his kidneys suffered irreperable damage. Her second husband tried to get me into bed as soon as he moved in, and groomed me and my brother. She kicked me out of the house at 15 when I told her what he was doing, because I was "spoiling things". Her husband severely abused my brother, and she eventually left him for another man when the little ones were 5 and 3. She didn't want them, left them with him, and low and behold he abused them too. She still didn't want them after they had been taken into care. I haven't spoken to her for over 12 years, since I asked her if she still blamed me for what he did to me. Her answer: "Don't you remember what you were like at that age?". She is a counsellor and has worked for childline.

I have remained close to my younger half siblings. They are now in their 20s. They were adopted aged 7 and 5, and I see them regularly. My sister had it particularly hard, and has suffered emotional damage as a result of early trauma. Right now she is very ill in hospital, but when she was 15, just over ten years ago, she was attacked a left for dead by a young man she went to school with. She survived, he's still in prison. More trauma.

I was a mess as a teenager and young adult, and got together with the man who I married when I was 19. He saved my life, and kept me together, although I would say that our relationship was dysfunctional too and based on co-dependence. I needed him for most of my 20s, but I was also kind of ambivalent about the commitment and wasn't able to remain faithful. I feel sad when I think about I put him through, but he also had his demons due to issues in his own family. We had two daughters who are now grown up, 19 and 16. His father committed suicide in 2001, following a very rapid onset of depression. I had been very close to him, and it was a severely traumatic time, obviously. Our marriage finally ended 14 years ago, when I finally said I couldn't be with him any more. He compulsively lied to me about money, we had racked up a lot of debt (still not resolved) and I just didn't love him any more. I was 33. I am now 47. 

In the intervening years I have had two relationships with men, which were dysfunctional in their own ways. I attach very insecurely and have huge trust issues, which I constantly try and work on. I am drawn to emotionally unavailable men. I have currently been largely single for the last 3+ years, but dating makes me anxious on the whole, no matter how I try and stay cool.

When I was still in my marriage, in my 20s managed to locate my real father and met him once. However, he hadn't been honest with his family about me and they objected to him seeing me. I haven't seen him since. His version of events around my birth differ wildly to the ones I was told by my mother.

In 2012 my "Dad" died. I hadn't spoken to him for a few years, due to the fact that he refused to ever acknowledge the events of the past. He often told me that my life was "a never ending march of woe" when I asked to speak with him about it. He died suddenly, in his sleep aged 62.

I have a very close female friend, Jane, who has been a lifelong friend. She has rescued me many times when I have been low and even housed me for a while when my daughters went to live with their father and I wasn't coping well. We are like sisters, but she can be a difficult the character at times and our friendship can be challenging. In December 2014 her husband, who was a dear friend, killed himself by hanging. Very similar circumstances to my father in law. The last year, supporting Jane, has been very very difficult. She has gone through *, and I have gone through it with her. My daughters are growing up, and I am starting to realise that if I don't get my life together soon, they will both be gone and I will be in this mess still with no child maintainence or other support to help me. And yet still these realisation does not seem enough to compell me into action. I almost feel frozen, trapped and unable to gather my thoughts enough to sort it all out. I dont even know where to start.

I am sorry for the long post. This is the short version. I have had lots of counselling throughout my life, I am not sure that it has helped very much. Any advice would be so welcome right now. Amanda

[Mags]

I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I have just found this community myself, so I don't have any advice for you. It's just sinking that I have this...I started to cry and get triggered reading about the symptoms, so I figured I should sign up.   Hang in there.
I think joining this forum was a big step and a healthy start for you (well, for both of us :-) ).
Go slow. Find out more information a bit at a time. Don't push yourself.
God Bless.

-Mags

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi mandathepanda 

Welcome to Out of the Storm. You are dealing with a lot of issues of both past and present and I'm glad you have found us. Since you have identified yourself as someone suffering from Complex Post Traumatic Disorder, or CPTSD, we want to make you aware of a couple things as you settle in.

At OOTS, we welcome people who are dealing with cPTSD through a variety of life's events that befell us.

In the cPTSD Glossary you may find a lot that may resonate with your experiences. A few highlights to start your journey with:
On cPTSD
On Boundaries
One that has been of great value to me personally is: Learned Helplessness
It seems that you might relate to that as well.

Your plan to go to your GP sounds like an excellent one. Have you gone yet in the meantime? I'm sorry I'm so late in responding to your post, I should have done so earlier. I apologize, and I hope you have not felt too left out.

In 2012 my "Dad" died. I hadn't spoken to him for a few years, due to the fact that he refused to ever acknowledge the events of the past. He often told me that my life was "a never ending march of woe" when I asked to speak with him about it. He died suddenly, in his sleep aged 62.

What a horrible thing to say, mandathepanda. I feel for you and I can relate. My dad and 'mom' can make similar remarks and it stings like *.
You and I are survivors. If anything, we are not the kind of people who'll say "woe is me". And nobody should tell us "woe is you." If anything, we deserve compassion, and giving that to ourselves is an important part of recovery. That's hard to do, and hard to learn. But it can be done, baby steps at the time.

I have a very close female friend, Jane, who has been a lifelong friend. She has rescued me many times when I have been low and even housed me for a while when my daughters went to live with their father and I wasn't coping well. We are like sisters, but she can be a difficult the character at times and our friendship can be challenging. In December 2014 her husband, who was a dear friend, killed himself by hanging. Very similar circumstances to my father in law. The last year, supporting Jane, has been very very difficult. She has gone through *, and I have gone through it with her. My daughters are growing up, and I am starting to realise that if I don't get my life together soon, they will both be gone and I will be in this mess still with no child maintainence or other support to help me. And yet still these realisation does not seem enough to compell me into action. I almost feel frozen, trapped and unable to gather my thoughts enough to sort it all out. I dont even know where to start.

I'm happy for you to have such a close friendship and both of you have been able to support each other. Even when that's tough. It's never easy to support someone through a rough time, and it's wonderful both of you have been able to do just that.
If you don't mind me saying so, I think you have quite a bit of your life together already. You've come a long way through very difficult circumstances. Kudo's to you for wanting to keep on going with getting and keeping your life together. There's more of that in you that has pulled you through this 47 years. You can do this too.


Welcome again, I hope and wish this place and community will give you comfort and be of aid on your journey through cPTSD. Our Guidelines for All Members and Guests are here to ensure this a safe environment for you and it will give you an idea of the community we create with each other.


Dutch Uncle.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Mags 

I want to say "Welcome!" to you too.

It's just sinking that I have this...I started to cry and get triggered reading about the symptoms, so I figured I should sign up.

I hope and wish that for you too this site and community will be an aid and support in recovery from cPTSD.
As you said yourself: "Go slow. Don't push yourself." 
It's what we call: It takes baby steps.

[Kizzie]

Adding a very warm welcome to OOTS Manda and to you as well Mags     It's common to feel scared and even overwhelmed when you first find out about CPTSD so taking it slow is good advice     

A lot of us feel both relief at finally know what's going on but fear about the road ahead once it begins to sink in. You've taken a huge step Manda by coming here and writing - To others, I seem bright, successful and together, but this is just a mask and it's high time I took it off and dealt with things. By chance I read about CPTSD a few days ago and I have barely stopped crying since. It just fits. I plan to go to the GP tomorrow, but I thought I would see if anyone has some advice first. 

You can take off the mask here and no-one will judge or abandon you. I hope the appointment with your GP went well.