If I'm not Fawning, I Look and Feel Guilty

[tea-the-artist]

One thing I've thought about during my research about the fawn type response to trauma is my relationship with my brother. I'm 5^1/2 years younger than my brother and since I understood how our dad's abuse towards him because of my brother's speech impediment, I think I had become a "surrogate parent." I was in 8 or so when I understood he stuttered, and soon after saw our dad become more unsettlingly emotionally unsupportive.

There's only so much your younger sibling can do for you I suppose. I didn't and still don't really have access to helping him other than being The Jest sibling combined with the emotional support for him that our parents couldn't or refused to be. So over time I became very emotionally focused on him and only this year I realized how burnt out I was becoming after all of his venting and telling me not to do certain things that'd still get him in trouble at this age. The times that I would be in "freeze mode" or dealing with my own issues (at the time not knowing I was dealing with EFs let alone CPTSD) unfortunately he saw me as ignoring him and letting him be and feel alone if he wasn't upbeat like typical. And that chastising alone made me isolate myself even more.

I never understood this before. Thinking back this makes me sad. I really did "lose myself," my identity, whoever I "was before the trauma" after all these years. I often think a response to his chastising would be "But when have you been there for me?" but never said it because it sounds selfish. He too suffered because of our dad, and I'd never and have never deny he suffered much more than I ever did. I just wish this fawning would stop and that he wouldn't make me feel guilty for not doing what's become expected of me after over a decade.

Lately he doesn't vent as much (I think that's affected me negatively somehow) because he wants to figure things himself so he can get a job and move out after his IT course. But honestly talking to him has become exhausting. I hole up in my room to avoid him invalidating me over the smallest things (just this weekend I dropped a surge protector on my foot and it swelled and ached all day and the next and he just told me about how his feet hurt when he's walking around for his course. the two are unrelated! I even said "stop comparing!" as a hint to our last Resolution Talk for him to stop comparing our issues, no matter how big or small. does he just not care?)

I'm glad he feels he needs to not vent to me anymore (I don't think he really understood the emotional toll it took on me), but at the same time I feel unpleasant and guilty and makes me go into a "freeze" mode. Like I lost my 15-year job and now suddenly have to care for myself. Which, in all aspects in this house is "selfish" and definitely something I haven't figured out how to do yet. If I'm even "allowed."

[radical]

I so much relate to this.

I had a severely disabled sibling, one year older.  I tried very hard to look after her and protect her when I was younger.  she became sort of merged with our mother later on, but still that caretaking role continued in me.  Our family was harsh and it affected me.  I never wanted to be harsh and wanted others to feel important and valued.  I still feel that way, but I need to find ways of being caring that don't come at my own expense.  I have found that people take us at our own estimation and if we act like our feelings, needs, interests and priorities don't matter, too often, others follow suit, not to mention attracting toxic people like catnip....

The problem with fawning/caretaking is that we tend to become 'nobody' to someone else's 'somebody' and lose ourselves in the process. This just exacerbates the fawn response to trauma.   I still feel like I'm being harsh if I don't speak with a whole lot of disqualifiers, yet I put myself down in doing it.

I'm sorry about losing your job, that must be very tough and scary.

Are you still living in your parents' home or are you house-sharing with (or just flat-out caretaking) your brother?  It does seem like it is very important to break this dysfunctional pattern with him.  His behaviour towards you is not okay and it doesn't matter what happened to him in the past - he's an adult now.  Yet I do know how hard it is to break long established patterns with siblings, all the harder if you are living in the same house.

I want to validate your insight into your need to work on looking after yourself and your own needs. Dig however deep you need to to find and reconnect with yourself.  It's not selfish - for me it is a need.   I'm a few years further down the path and I can assure you it doesn't lead anywhere you'd want to be.  I'm glad you are onto this earlier than I was.  Equally, it doesn't sound healthy for your brother.  I know you have behaved out of love and concern, but it will be good for him in the long term to learn how to respect others and to be more independent.  You can know that you are doing right by both of you, despite the kickback you are likely to experience.  It is more than enough reason to do this just for yourself because you matter!  But if it helps, you can think of what is best for him and molly-coddling isn't, imo.

I'm looking forward to seeing more of you around this place.
Warm wishes

[tea-the-artist]

thank you for your story and your validating words radical i'm 24 next month actually so the 15 year job was being a surrogate parent for my brother (I'm not sure if that was clear in my post).

i definitely know what you mean about not wanting to be harsh. my dad is very strict, old school, ex-air force type parent and for all my life I have always tried to make sure to be the person in people's lives who was validating and kind, as well as jest-like (an added bonus I suppose). my brother did thank me for that last year on his birthday when I spent the whole day with him watching an old favorite cartoon of ours.

and yes we both live with our parents. though i'm 1 of 2 people financially supporting us, my biggest goal is to move out (hopefully with friends who are on their 2nd attempt to convince me to move out). I had spoken to a listener on the site 7cupsoftea a few months ago, and they mentioned moving out, getting better and then assisting my brother when I'm healthily self-focused will be the best way to help my brother instead of "molly coddling" as you mentioned. I'm on and off remembering that I do matter, the way a fawn-freeze type is known to "forget everything" when it's important to know a change in a relationship must happen, so my awareness that I need to be focusing on my own health comes and goes.

Being assertive and setting boundaries with him is really difficult if not impossible. The only thing I'm grateful for is that he said it was important for him to stop venting to me, so I never got to tell him how it was making me exhausted. But I still downplay my own feelings a lot, if not completely suppress them in "favor" of making sure he feels validated and that someone's rooting for him. but yeah here, I feel like a nobody who sometimes knows she matters.

but again thank you for the reassuring encouragement! being here on this site has helped me at the very least assess many of my problems and hopefully sort things out to the point I can assure myself that whatever choice I make, I don't deserve to feel any guilt and that I can make it through to becoming healthier.