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He has no power over you.

Thank you! You're so right. He only has the power I give him. 

I started an art course with a new teacher some weeks ago. A friend who had been to his classes before told me what to expect - which is actually that he does very little in the way of teaching. This particular group has been going for over 10 years. Basically you can just do your own thing and he will occasionally wander around to give helpful suggestions. He has given the occasional demonstration, which I have politely watched. I was not actually going there because I wanted formal teaching as such, so that was fine.

The class is very quiet. Two women chat to each other and there is occasional desultory chat within the group - usually prompted because someone asked a question. I have always participated in the desultory chat where appropriate.

The teacher makes the same comment on all of my work. Which is justified and fine and I agree with him. Most of the time I am planning to do x in due course. However I work slowly and build each part of a picture up in layers, so when he says "you need to do x" I do not rush to do x immediately because I am working on another section. I have explained this to him, although he seems not to hear me.

The course is ending soon. Next academic year he is running classes at a different time. The time clashes with a pre-existing exercise session so I will not be doing it. I told him this a few weeks ago when he brought up the subject. Yesterday he confirmed the new day and time, so I confirmed I would not be attending unless things change with my exercise class. He will be running occasional weekend days and I said I might attend some of those. All seemed fine.

At the end of class I left my equipment trolley and coat outside the classroom so I could go to the bathroom. As I came out to put my coat on I overheard the teacher and a classmate talking in the classroom. They could not see me. The teacher said "Oh and that other woman isn't doing the new course either." The classmate asked what other woman and the teacher said "Narckiddo. But I'm not surprised." Classmate asked why he was not surprised. Teacher said "Oh, NarcKiddo isn't at all interested." Classmate queried this and teacher said "No, she's not at all interested." Classmate asked why I would attend the classes if I was not interested (tone of voice implying that teacher is right - NK is weird) and teacher just insisted I was not interested in his classes. In a somewhat petulant tone as if I was somehow being insulting to him.

I was tempted to keep listening but I had called the lift and it had arrived, plus I did not want to be caught eavesdropping. So I left.

The thing is that I have become annoyed by what I overheard. It should not matter because I am not particularly sorry that I can't attend the new classes. The group does not really chat or engage so I have not made new friends there. I did not like to start chatting or looking at other people's work because it seems not to be the done thing there. I just kept myself to myself. The teacher did not really "teach".

Part of me feels I should just let it pass. But part of me wants to ask the teacher why he thinks I am not interested in his classes and what I should have done differently because maybe there is something to learn. And part of me wants to call him out because I'm angry that he would chat about me behind my back with a classmate and say things that are not true.

What I have no idea about is whether "normal" people would mention it to the teacher. I guess they would not if they were going to continue the classes, as that might be embarrassing. But I don't care if the teacher finds it embarrassing, and if I have done something wrong or been too reticent I might benefit from knowing for future reference.

That experience where it feels like it'll be like this forever and there's no way out whatsoever

Yes, I find that experience very hard to bear. I am getting better at sitting with emotions as my T advises, but sometimes the forever feeling is intolerable nevertheless. Even when I know, intellectually, that it is coming from an EF.

Thank you for writing your experiences in your journal. You write beautifully.

The other day, I realised that I have actually been fairly successful in life relative to the things my mother implicitly (and in some ways, even explicitly) taught me were important when I was a child.  These things are, finding someone to take care of me financially, being sexually adventurous, and not being fat. 

Oh, crikey. That resonates.
 

And yes, I am sure you could have done all manner of different things if you had been given better examples and proper support and encouragement. And it really sucks that you weren't. I am also sorry that the fact you are absolutely a better person than your mother does not seem like enough, because it is a big achievement. It's an achievement you have reached all by yourself, too. So well done to you and I am sorry it feels a bit hollow. That feeling resonates, too, and it is grossly unfair that life has dealt us the hands it has. 

I hope you managed to find help and support with these feelings.

If you have trust in this therapist and have rapport, then it is probably worth raising these issues with her at some stage. It has taken me two years to get the courage to raise something with my therapist that she said back then, which provoked a bad reaction in me and made me nearly fire her on the spot. I finally mentioned it last week and we had a very helpful conversation.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has watched the Yellowstone series. Starring Kevin Costner.

I've found it quite triggering to watch, because it is totally infested with narcs and dysfunctional behaviours, most of which are horribly familiar. Not sure I'd recommend it. There is much to enjoy, but I found it tough going in many ways.

Welcome. I'm glad you found us and wish you well on your healing path.

I hope the stomach pain eases off soon. 

Thank you, everyone.

I don't feel bad about needing to continue therapy as such. I can afford it and I know it is helping me a lot. So that's fine. It's more that I honestly thought I would be OK with less frequency but even the suggestion of it has coincided with adverse reactions. Oh well. When I look back, I realise that I have actually cut frequency. Before, when T or I had to go on holiday I would schedule a catch up session. Or she would let me raise issues by email if we couldn't do normal zoom. If there was an unexpected change because she was ill I would take it badly. All those things I can now take in my stride and I don't bother with catch up sessions any more. So, there's progress I had not actually recognised until just now.

But wow, I am on a very short fuse emotionally right now. And out of nowhere, too, which sucks extra.

Like today. All was fine. Really good, actually. Felt calm and happy. And then my husband mislaid the car keys. Which also have our house keys attached. He often does this. I have suggested an air tag many times. But no.

Logic dictated that they were in the house or garage. His occasional habit of leaving them actually in our door lock, on full public display and ready to be stolen, was enough to make me worry more. We have cameras and it is very unlikely I would have missed someone stealing our keys. But still.

So he just sat in our summer house reading his iPad while I finished my laundry and then went on a search. I found them fast, which did not help. He had put them in a garage cupboard where they do not live and should not be. But if he had only bothered to open the garage cupboards he would have seen them and saved all the aggro.

Oddly, it was my finding them that sent me over the edge. I gave them to him, told him where they had been and stormed off into the house to have a full on tantrum in private. I mean a toddler tantrum here. Shouting. Jumping up and down. Dissolving into a crying fit. It was totally epic and what anyone would have thought had they seen a middle aged woman doing this I have no idea.

Anyway, it got the worst out of my system, such that I was capable of going out for coffee as we usually do. On the way I did not suggest he get an air tag, I flat out demanded it. And he said he would and when he had been reading his iPad he had in fact been researching such things. And he apologised for losing the keys. Which of course was not really the problem, but his behaviour around it. Anyway I need to process all of that before I consider how to approach it with him.

So coffee was OK but kind of stilted. And we drove home. I was just about to get out of the car when he said "Do you forgive me?". All I could do was squeak "yes" and hotfoot it out of that car.

He was not to know, but the one and only time my mother asked me that question was when I was 7, in the car, after she had totally unfairly raged at me. And I hadn't forgiven her yet and was stupid enough to say so. To be asked that self same question, when I am already fragile, IN A CAR was just the end. Slap bang back into the EF. So the rest of today is being spent trying to calm myself before we have to go out for a meal with friends tonight which will be nice but also stressful for various reasons, and then have several medical appointments tomorrow which will not be nice in the slightest.

Ugh. And plenty to chat about in therapy this week. Again. 

Welcome. I'm glad you are seeking support rather than trying to go it totally alone. I am confident you will find support here.

The conversation in the library sounds like it was a good and safe-feeling conversation for you. I hope my impression is correct.

Well. There was me thinking I was ready to cut frequency of therapy. At which point miscellaneous child parts have been kicking off like anything. I don't know if they are scared of being abandoned, or what, but they've given me plenty to talk about every week so I'm not going to cut down just yet.

I had a horrible EF day earlier this week. I'd ordered a TV for a bedroom and there was a delivery delay. Such is life - you'd think. I won't go on about the full sequence of events. It was all really, really minor triggers but each exquisitely designed to poke at sore spots. Essentially I was dumped into a position of uncertainty and was not prepared to tolerate it. So I spent the whole entire day trying to get some control over the situation. Which was impossible because, in a nutshell, the delivery driver was incapable of reading his sat nav and could not find my house in the delivery time slot. So he gave up because spending any longer would have meant every other delivery that day was late. However, instead of reporting back to base he kept the item on board and tried again at the end of the day, at which point he found me. All's well that ends well. But in the meantime...

I could not get any delivery updates from the courier company. The seller's telephone system was automated and kept re-routing me to the courier company. Eventually I spent a full HOUR on the seller's web chat. I got a human rather than a bot, because I have got quite skilled at overcoming bots. Of course the human could not help because the delivery driver had gone out of protocol. But the human pretended they could help and asked me endless questions. The human also took a full four minutes minimum to respond to any input from me. And then tried to cut me off because I took too long replying (I took a maximum of 30 seconds each time - I have the transcript). I nearly lost the plot completely at that point. I wasted the day stressing about this delivery, feeling worse and worse with every failed effort to get certainty. All I wanted was for someone to say "Sorry, it can't come today. We will be in contact to reschedule" Or, of course "Yes the driver still has it and will try again later today". This seemed like quite a small ask to me, and indeed it would have been if only the delivery driver had marked it as a failed delivery on his computer when he could not initially find my house.

I've just talked it through with my T. We know where the emotions were coming from. Basically I had to endure uncertainty as a child and could do nothing about it. M was volatile and unpredictable. Rules were rules until they weren't. Permitted things were allowed until they weren't. Retribution came unexpectedly or unreliably. I was not prepared to tolerate this uncertainty. Even though adult me knew fine well such problems can occur and would resolve by the next day. The selling company and courier company are reputable and I have done business with them before. I had no fear that someone had taken my money and would not produce the goods eventually.

What was kind of weird was that these are feelings I must have had as a child but did not feel, if you know what I mean. When my T asked me if this felt the same as in childhood I said no. When she asked what uncertainty did feel like in childhood I did not know. All I know is that what I felt this week, as an adult, was somehow awful and maybe familiar and I did not EVER want to feel it again. Hence the lengths I went to in an effort to find out where this ruddy TV was. But as a child I could not display any distress or righteous anger or do anything to alleviate the feelings. So I am pretty sure I just stuffed them down. With the result that they feel horribly familiar and yet not familiar at all. So if I look back on my childhood I know some things were bad but I don't remember the feelings until they hi-jack me by way of an EF and make me feel them now. I guess that is why it is possible to assume that a childhood was fine or normal when it wasn't.

My T thinks it is good that I am able to feel the feelings now, and that I need to validate them and process them. Unpleasant though it is, she says it's better than simply squashing them away, because once they've been felt and processed they can go away. I suppose she's right. And anyway I had no chance what.so.ever of pushing this EF away or squashing it. Those feelings were jolly well going to be felt! Urgh. CPTSD sucks.

Let it go. Yeah. Right. Sounds good in theory. In practice, with CPTSD, I agree with San. That seems to velcro onto us. So when we can't actually let it go we end up with another stick to beat ourselves with.

I will say that I have found some success in doing the other things on your list, though. Because the bad feelings do eventually go, and sometimes much faster than I expect. Instead of actively trying to let them go, which I find can turn them into the elephant in the room, how about trying to engage with them a bit more? I mean, really turn a spotlight on them if you have the time and mental energy. Which I know in itself is a big ask. What I mean is, instead of just acknowledging and letting yourself feel whatever it is, have a jolly good look at it.

Hello Shame, old pal. What are you doing here? Haven't you got anywhere better to be? Clearly not. I am obviously the world's best company for you. Lucky me. So, what do you want? You want to tell me I did/thought/felt xyz. OK. When did I do that? 50 years ago? And you're STILL bringing it up? Really? OK then, let's talk about xyz. You want to know why I did that? How the heck should I remember? Oh, wait. Maybe I do remember a bit. Yeah, I did that because my delightful mother did/said xyz. Huh? You're saying it could have been handled better? Sure, maybe somebody else could have handled it better. You know, somebody with a nice, loving mother and a supportive upbringing. But me? I think I did the best I could at the time. You disagree? Well, fine. Your prerogative. What else do you have? Bring it...

Clearly the above is a bit flippant but if you haven't tried a slightly combative approach it might be worth a go. Or any other approach that involves fairly close attention to the bad feeling to make it justify itself. Having such an interaction with the bad feeling might make it slink off quicker.

Welcome. There's plenty of us here who think we didn't have it all that bad compared to others. Anyone who has made it through childhood without ever being told by anyone that their situation was not normal or healthy will very likely assume that childhood was normal.

Well done for getting sober and I am glad you found a good therapist.