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No big deal, but I've noticed a few members now have a letter ID under their name -- One I think is NG plus there's a couple others.

Do these indicate moderators or something to do with administrating the site?

Just curious; haven't run across any explanation of what these initials indicate.  ...

Dear GC,

For a wordless horror, the words you chose here to try and dissolve a tiny bit of the pain, was an incredibly powerful statement of the strength and beauty of your being.

It's a very lonely trail, but knowing you're here speaks to the hope we all are desperate to attain.

I don't have any adequate words, just en-courage-ment to stay on course; towards the new life you are now crafting for yourself.

Hello.

This, and what gcjo7a related about SA, is awful, yet also jives with my own story. Much of my life has seen all the inner battles of horror, doubt, and working with what's inconceivable -- almost beyond the pale of endurance. The only rules of thumb is that what happened was and is still senseless, a theft of human dignity and, most of all, a mutilation of love, making it almost impossible to ever know or realistically relate to it; SA is a haunting that collapses one's sense of finding peace. Yet we try, consigned to wonder what love must be like.

So here we are, literally with no pieces to pick up (or would want to). I well remember one T (not my current one) 'assigning' me to find a loving moment(s) in the m relationship. My result, after wracking my brain for some such memory -- zilch. I can't begin to describe this, as you found as well; there's just no way to describe the total depravity and shame that characterizes the perpetual grief and defeated feelings.

I've dabbled lots in my private journals, but no more. I decided I have to live now, and put the old story into the shredder. Guess what? There's no shredder that totally obliterates the awful memories, but at least one can try, and comfort myself with this metaphor -- I'm driving, can't stop frequently perusing the rear-view mirror, and noticing -- the scary stuff is shrinking further into the distance. Once in a while rusty chains appear along the roadside -- with heavy bolt-cutters. I know -- some would call that silly; but that sort of thing -- the unreality of it, somehow assuages the unreality of what originally was so wrong.

Sorry for the rant. It can, and has, go much deeper. I relay it only as a way to somehow convey empathy with how you must feel, and how hard -- yet movingly -- you're entering onto a new road, away from the wounds and into a land of healing.

Well put, NarcKiddo.  It's interesting how your self-expectations didn't pan out as you feared might happen, and was able to relax enough to find an honest outlook.

What you said also speaks to the joy of finding a T who can truly be there, present for you and aware of your needs. Reminds me of my own T in that way; sometimes I just wanted to let her tell me what to do, but she never fell for it -- trusted me enough to know I had the capacity to find my own way forward.

it's good to see you, and maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to find more of the good kind of surprise in store as you venture past all those old self-defeating habits and beliefs that hold us back from finding our way again.

Great that your trail has led you to this spot -- hope it's the beginning of that new outlook you've been eager to find.

Love your description of needing to 'unlearn' aa you begin to deconstruct the false life you've felt has dragged you down for so long.

Let the unlearning continue! 

For sure, I'm not new here, but I fully relate to all you're saying and what's pulling you onwards to post even more.

It's simple -- this forum is such a unique and freeing place to have discovered. With no where else to turn to, it becomes one of the few options where you (us) can feel free enough to explore what can't be covered in many other ways.

So, first, no need to feel out of sorts about posting. It is scary, for sure. But look around -- here you can at last trust that the people you're interacting with 'get it.' We've all endured the pain, but also the hope, of working (and playing) to find ways to unburden the tensions which never asked for but are here nonetheless.

In my own case, I have run into difficulties, but also realized I survived the old, and now am free to live with a new story that understands the yo-yo effect following such deep trauma(s) across a wide span of years. Two words stand out for me describing the 'why' of how I've even made it this far (so much more to go). Those two words -- DEPTH and RESILIENCE. That's where this web/forum has provided many ways to find some way to begin moving past the old into the new.

Just wanted to share an outlook, from someone who relates to your story and your reactions to finding freedom in your own being. 

Coming off of years (decades really) of digging and probing all the possible causes behind many aspects of the trauma(s) I seem to have survived, I've arrive at only one conclusion: None of what was done made any sense, then or now.

So it's natural to probe and prod in the search for the 'why' of it all. Definitive answers can't justify any of it, as it involves violation of human decency. Which isn't to say I'm still not
curious as to how it happened; just not as gung ho on feeling relief from what might be found.

This involved a decision a few years back, one that still percolates in its forceful effects. That is -- having given up on finding any sensible cause for all of this pain, grief, and devastation, I'm still prone to many tears, and then continue as best as I can to make sense on my terms. Healing from within has been my greatest discovery; the outside story doesn't matter so much, or at least isn't as dominant as it once was.

Those inside vibes focus on simple things I can do now -- -- peace with myself, love of the life I have post-abuse, and continuing the quest to feel good about myself in everything I do. But it can still return to deeply grieving what took place over those decades, and how none of it, in the final analysis, made any sense.

I hope I'm understood. It sounds hopeful, but many are the days on which any optimism feels more like fog than clear sky. But here's a bit of 'wishcraft' for finding relief from the aspect so many of us fall short of realizing -- that we're  alright, just as we are.   

Hi, Unfinisheds24  . Sorry for the circumstances which led to your current reluctant acceptance that something feels off; on the other hand it's encouraging that by your presence here, you're also determined to make your life work for you  .

May your jouneying here help create and enhance moving beyond a big step out of the 'old' you. The big step? Joining this forum, willing to venture as far away from the troubled past as you can in order to see better prospects ahead.

Simon Parke: "Your past is a springboard, not a chaperone."

Yes, yes, yes, and again -- yes!!! The past -- it's there, but I'm not. My ego/memory wants to go there, but the real "me" doesn't.

I'm on a journey, finding my own pace, and space, in my own wilderness of mind. Yes, the mind can glance back; and yes, it affects my present. But I'm also -- NOT THERE, IN THAT PAST.

So sorry you're experiencing these difficulties. My experience, too, has been full of these painful unexpected twists. Taking a new step like you've been experiencing seems like it jolts the 'system' a bit, as you're in the process of changing an important part of your life.

It can be discouraging, but a very normal impact, especially at first. Hopefully your T will be able to work with boosting up your perspective as well. I made several awkward jabs with unwanted symptoms but, as Armee reminded, going slow and easy on myself helped. The setbacks are not your fault, but they're worth being with them as you continue turning the corner into a time when the flow of a better life will sustain your journey on.

Always good to hear from you. It's been quite a trek and I recall all your fears about it; and your willingness to share parts on here.

And did I read right? A survivor's tattoo? What a great touch  .

Here's to further good vibes ahead 

Hey, Marzipan; glad you're here, but sad for the circumstances that lie behind your need for seeking this forum out.

Personally, I've never been able to make sense of what was, and remains, to my mind, the total senselessness of our various forms of abuse. They didn't make sense then (other than they hurt deeply). They still don't make any sense, and probably never will.

While I may have given up on definitive answers, I have found this forum invaluable for providing a place where the world seems less daunting, for a change. Having found others with similar scenarios that are horrible to contemplate, the good news is that we still want to rebuild ourselves to function as best we can. Another word for this is captured in a song I heard just yesterday, called Resilience. It includes a line referring to standing shoulder to shoulder, and about how we can still/and will -- move forward in spite of what happened to us.

Anyway, enough of my babbling -- Welcome 

Hi, Transcendant 

I'm only too familiar with the outline you present of feeling violated and betrayed by both religion and familial abuse. The combination can be deadly, and it's more the wonder that some of us actually survived that sort of a double-whammy.

But survive we did, and here we are. Welcome to this forum and I hope you find its members to be understanding and supportive as you find and transition/transcend to be the whole person you are.

If you use the link referenced by Blueberry, that should help. It's unlike a formal manual, perhaps, but it's how I found my way into the confusion, excitement, panic, and above all -- curiosity about actually finding others journeying with the cptsd dragon.

I find the site resembles the condition -- confusing because it all seems to be, and is, troubling and I want to find the answer. Instead I find a multitude of possibilities, but not always hard and fast answers. In the end life is more about questions than answers. Especially with something like cptsd, which is so disruptive, lonely, and scary in its senselessness. Having had our souls ripped out of us isn't the easiest, but good for us knowing there must be some way to find relief in spite of it all.

So I hope you can stick with it. Thanks for sharing and hope to find you further on the trail towards finding your own deserved healing.

I came here with no intentions, with just the knowledge that there'd be something needed.

And that's what happened today -- I needed to find someone else, not searching for anything more than ourselves; and that's a lot, actually. Here it's a given that we can feel, and revel, in the freedom to find delight with the world.

The muffins and orange juice are great complimentary treats, but the highlight is finding someone else today -- someone who gets it (no explanations needed).

Thank you for being here, and for the invitation to join the dance. And now ...