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Thank you all so much. I think I have been frozen lately overall, which creates even more freeze when these little opportunities to share my feelings comes up. Oddly, I have been really good about realizing that most of what everyone says and does is all about them. I do believe that and have been able to internalize it more this past year. I remind myself of this often.

Even while feeling that, I still start to feel like it's odd that it's like these people and comments attract to me when we're alone. I wonder if that happens to everyone else as well. I tend to think they would never say that to XY or Z person. There is something about me that makes them feel comfortable to say it even when they don't even know me. Like yes, it is all about them, they obviously need to get some sort of frustration out and oh look there looks like an easy target to ambush.

 This is really not an area where I shine. Especially with my landlord. I feel like if I say anything, I will be kicked out and homeless. Same with my boss. I feel very stuck and fearful that if I lose my job or my current home, I will be homeless. Over the years I have tried offering to help, gentle reminders about things that need doing. They never get done and I know they will never get done now. So I start looking for places to live and everything is hundreds of dollars more than what I pay here.

 But it helps to hear you guys reinforcing reminders. Kizzie your role-play conversations sound very reasonable and kind. I don't know why this is so hard for me.

Lately, it seems I am very hyper aware or hyper vigilant or hyper sensitive to things people say. I don't want to say they are meaning to be aggressive, or slight's towards me. At least not on purpose necessarily.

For example, a casual conversation with a friend included a question "you do know that you're lucky to have family at the holidays, right? " we weren't talking about family specifically I did reveal that I don't have a relationship with my mother. Her parents have recently died in the last 2 to 3 years. I can see from her perspective why she would ask that, but to me, it feels like you should be grateful for your abusive family members. Family is family, etc..

Being approached by a peripheral acquaintance, and suckered into a pseudo-conversation, where I was berated for making a normal comment. Just caught me off guard, and it struck me at the time but I kind of froze and didn't realize how aggressive it was until they left, and it was all over. This from a person everyone views as a very nice person. There's no way you could say anything negative about this person without being viewed as the bad guy. So I just kept it to myself, of course. But it feels ick.

Then I respond to a coworker with some questions, and they copied me back, including the boss in the CC. There is nothing more of a pet peeve than that at work to me. It feels like they were threatened by my questions and wanted my boss to take over. My boss is a total N and I try to avoid them at all costs.

My landlord and so-called friend constantly is telling me ridiculous things that feel like they are trying to tell me what to do. Like texting me to turn my porch, light off or telling me a few twigs I talked to the side, are going to attract rats, when I am surrounded by reptiles and rat homes that he has created with his hoard.

I tried to be nice to a student and explained something, and they got extremely defensive, and acted like I was accusing them of some thing I wasn't. What the h? Sometimes I feel like I cannot go anywhere or do anything or speak without feeling attacked quite frankly. I try to constantly tell myself not to be so sensitive and they didn't mean it that way. But isn't that what I've always done?

I get very overwhelmed and depressed, and even SI sometimes, and all these things are things I can't really control, things coming out of other people that I should not take personally. It's just constant.

Thanks so much, Kizzie! I still think of you all often- this group has helped me so much. I'm not sure I would have made it through the worst of it without it! I hope I can be of help in some way, too, with sharing my experience.

Hi blueberry! Thank you!

Absolutely, Boat. I think, as we learn and grow and heal we naturally unpack and see the patterns in our relationships. Some of them become intolerable as a result.

I have fallen away from most of my longtime friends. Now, some people would say I "am the common denominator." Society's usual view. However, yes, my upbringing a.k.a. brainwashing, led me to forming friendships earlier in life where I did the majority of planning and giving grace. I made excuses for really bad behaviors, like not showing up to plans or being extremely late. I remember thinking if I didn't do all the calling and allowing for imperfection, another brainwashing belief from my parents, then I wouldn't have any friends. And that was reason for me to do it! 

An example is one of my longest time friends. We've not lived in the same state for a long time, so the interaction was not too often. But when it was, there was always a new thing for me to readjust to or research or put loads of emotional energy into, like a recent diagnosis of schizophrenia, and her consequent near death behaviors. Her cheating on her husband and expecting me to keep secrets. Her sleeping all day when I flew there to visit and we had talked about all the fun things we would do.

And when I have anything to say, or am dealing with, I am constantly interrupted, and play devils advocate against. Her parents even are abusive towards me. When I told her no more, I'm not going there anymore and she knows I am no contact with my own parents for the same reason, she defended all of them saying, that's just how parents are, they are old etc. I've just had it. I can't even talk to her about it. That's where I feel unhealthy is I just shut down. I'm sure from their perspective I have ghosted them but I just don't know what to say. You cannot talk to them.

Now she has moved back to my town and I've made it clear I'm too busy.

I've had similar experiences with a handful of old friends. The more I learn the more I see their traits are very similar to my mother. So I am fine with it.

Thank you all for your responses. I'm sorry for the delay-I had kind of dropped off. I get kind of overwhelmed by all of this.

I have not seen or discussed anything with my dad still. Although on rare occasion we have a short text or phone interaction, very surface level and usually proving there is no change.

We have a big family Thanksgiving coming up and one of the Hoovering aunts invited them. They said the reason they haven't been coming is because of me and my sibling. But they told us the reason they don't come is because his siblings don't come to visit him. Now they are coming and he has this narrative that he is looking forward to being back together as one happy family.

Typical attitude, a picture of smiling people in place for them to show is more important than how anyone actually feels. He even said when I expressed my feelings, well you have smiled in the pictures so I guess you are fake!

 I don't want to miss a fun holiday with my cousins, but this really is stressing me out, of course who wants to spend time with that and under the pretense? I feel it will result in no contact or some sort of situation. I feel like feigning Covid.

Anyway. Thank you all for your responses and support. And I'm sorry that y'all have this similar scenario in your own lives. It's sad. And evil.

Oh I so relate to this. I was just feeling this in fact..there is never a place I go that something doesn't happen that makes me feel this. When I was younger I moved a lot because of it, hoping for fresh views and experiences.

Now I think maybe that there are many un-self aware people around, and their offensive behaviors are very triggering to someone who is hyper vigilant or just has this experience.  Maybe other people don't even notice sometimes. But I always notice the slightest slight. The mild eye roll to what I said, the small expression of disgust or contempt.

Other times, I am puzzled how these people pick me out. For example, I'm walking my dog at the Offleash dog Park when no one else is there. He's sniffing next to the walking trail when a lone jogger jogs by. She does not veer around him, but goes straight right where he is. I try to be polite and call him away from the edge of the trail so she can plow through, and he continues to sniff. She then stops and screams at me that if my dog won't listen, then I should have him on a leash. All she had to do was take two steps to the right as she's jogging by in the empty open field park. It's like they magnet to me out of nowhere.

Another example is the beloved husband of the beloved character in a music group that I am in, caught me alone and flipped his *. I was minding my own business and acted friendly, and he injected something strange like we should have stopped practicing an hour ago. I said some thing about being happy we got to practice a difficult song before Our performance. He huffed and puffed and said, what does he know? He's only been doing this for 70 years and stormed off. I don't even know this person other than peripherally, and nobody else was around. I'm sure no one would believe me or would accuse me of acting like a victim over something benign. But I recognize that narcissistic rage that comes out in people and I seem to be a magnet. And now I feel there is a damper on the joy I was feeling about this event and a "secret" knowledge that this geezer is likely a narc in disguise. I wish I had never tried to be friendly.

 Or maybe it comes out to other people and they just think wow that was crazy and it not stick in their nervous system like it does mine. That's what I try to do but it is very triggering to me. These types of things happen everywhere I go, which was originally my point. I've been shamed about being too sensitive from my abusers. Now I try to see sensitivity as a positive trait, but I hate it.

Hi Everyone!

I have been away for a while and wanted to say hello first before just popping back in. I've been on this journey a while, and I tend to amp up with anxiety at the holidays, although not nearly as much as in the beginning. I've been NC with NM for 8.5 years now, and vlc with EnN dad. Is that an acronym? Enabling Narcissistic dad? I also have N step mom. Take the labels off, it doesn't matter. They still are all outrageous in their abusive behaviors, accusations and toxicity.

It's no surprise I struggle with relationships sometimes and am fairly isolated. I even get kind of overwhelmed here sometimes which is why I have been in and out, although I feel like this is the only place full of people who understand.

It's been about three weeks since I got a text from my friend saying things needed to change. That she had tried to help me, meaning, I hadn't received the message and applied the wisdom. I have still not responded, because whenever I think I might, I feel like why would I want to reach out to someone who I am clearly annoying. Also, I am reminded that this is not the first time she has seemed annoyed by my struggles. there are certain topics I already know she does not want to talk about or hear.

Years ago when I went no contact with my mother, I filled her in, and really only barely scratch the surface and I remember feeling like she shut And didn't really want to hear about it. So I kept much of my self healing journey to myself. There was one or two times where it came up and I talked a little about it and I could feel her discomfort and she may be even left and left me feeling like she was running from me. And I remember thinking oh yeah, I should not talk about that to her. I won't do that again.

Fast forward to know, and I get the same feeling about any mention of my long Covid symptoms, like she doesn't even believe me. Now it's as if she has "helped" me in her mind. That kind of irks me because that reads to me like she think she's more wise and like I don't know how to help myself. I feel like all I do is try to help myself and heal my cptsd as well as physical health issues many of which she doesn't even know about.

Believe me, I am my own worst critic, and if I even talk a little about these things, I am careful not to be one of those people that goes on and on about nothing but themselves and their health problems. I don't feel like I've done that, but I feel like that's how she feels if that makes any sense. By her text by her former reactions. Maybe she and I are just in two different places. Or she is very sensitive to any amount of hearing my struggles. I am here for her struggles, but she does not talk about them. She's even said one time, she doesn't see any value in talking about her problems maybe that is the way to go. The wiser choice.  I didn't listen

So anyway, I guess I'm to the point where I don't really feel like responding, and I feel like I have overly explained myself and compensated and that was sort of codependent of me. I don't do that with other friends, but I could see you were with her, I have felt not good enough. I felt like I needed to explain why I wasn't at my best and in hindsight, maybe I've lost myself a little bit in this friendship this is where my relief comes from. I feel like I can just be myself, even if it means I am all alone over here.

Yeah, I am surprised by that feeling. I think it's a feeling of not having a single thing left I have to pretend about or "be good" for, or monitor myself about. I didn't realize how much I had done that until now. I was and have been really devastated about this shift in energy and spending time together. Sick in my stomach in a way I hadn't felt in a very long time. But now that I've been processing it, something about letting go feels good. Relieving.

 

I don't know Kizzie. I guess I've been taking my time, observing how I feel..I've gone back and forth over shame, self-blame, in true cptsd fashion. Then I think, well, I don't get why it would burden HER if I am struggling...why do I always feel the need to explain? I don't think that's a new feeling. I think I've been a bit codependent in this relationship, altering and acquiescing, or, at the least, not always being my full self. So in that sense I feel responsible for getting to this point.

She has expressed about other people how she has little patience for people who stay "stuck" in a problem or in illness, and she made it clear that she think I am stuck and not doing enough about it(which I disagree with.) so, instead of feeling 100% at fault, I feel like I wouldn't want to disturb her weekend and maybe should wait until I am 100% (sarcasm). I have a side of my family that is this way. Everything is suck it up buttercup not allowed to be sick or take care of yourself. My first year of teaching I got pneumonia by pushing through when I was sick when I broke my leg I got back to work prematurely and hurt it by a kid falling up against me. I guess I've never felt a safe place so not feeling safe in that way felt normal.

I've got all of these mixed feelings about it. I hate to lose a friend, but it's also sort of a relief oddly.

Well I thought I would just weigh back in about my friend..the last time we went to dinner, I thought we had a great conversations, made fun plans for the near future..then the next day I got a text saying things needed to change, and that she had "tried to help me for a while now." Huh? I'm not the type that asks or wants help..the only thing I can think of is I have continued to have some Covid symptoms and have somewhat felt the need to "explain" since we normally do activities that I haven't been able to do lately.

Anyhoo, after the text I was going back and forth over if I had anything to apologize for, if we could talk and work out our "differences", and what I've landed on is that *? I think I've been a bit over explain-y, overly concerned, and she has become annoyed with any amount of my sharing my struggles about it. If I hadn't explained, would it not be strange I wasn't doing the normal activities we do? I don't know. I just think a true friend might actually be concerned or empathic about long Covid,. She is more the disbelieving or non understanding type I guess. Clearly I am annoying to her which brings to mind the old adage that once you feel you've annoyed someone, never disturb the, again.

I feel like so many things we were shamed about, or are regularly shamed about, are simply not true. We are surrounded by people who case harm, and then shame us for being harmed. We didn't go out into the world and are shamed by society, coworkers and partners for their own perspective and things that simply aren't true. But, until recently, I internalized all of those negative things just like I did as a child. No wonder I always feel like an alien. Outside messages simply don't compute to what my body and brain knows.

Yes! I'm sorry your mom did this too. That's the thing- just don't be dramatic and cause everyone to worry and then say nope to doing something about it. Crazy making.