My Emotional Abuse "Possible Trigger Alert"

Ladybug · November 17, 2014, 08:46:30 AM

My mother was emotionally abusive. She herself had a narcissistic mother, which I think affected the way she parented me. It was like living with two different people: sometimes she was the loving, caring mother she wanted to be (and who I believe she truly is), and sometimes she was emotionally abusive. She called me names, I specifically remember "piss ant", asking her what that was and her laughing when she told me the definition. She threatened to kill herself many times, and I think this frightened me because my dad wasn't around and I thought I'd be left alone, even though my grandparents on my moms side lived in the same town and were very active in my care. I didn't want to be the kid that lived with her grandparents; I was already ashamed of "not having a dad". I remember having low self esteem and poor body image in middle school, and telling her that "she was the reason" I had low self esteem. the name calling I suppose. I remember being sick and asking her to feel my forehead and her refusing. I was in 10th grade and had the flu. So many little memories like that. She threatened to kill herself so much I finally told her to go ahead and quit crying wolf and after I said that once or twice I think she did stop. I don't know why I never told anyone. I did tell a close friend that was 2 years younger than me that lived next door, but I guess she never told anyone either. Maybe I was ashamed of my crazy mom. I am estranged from her....haven't seen her in maybe 4 years? Even though we live in the same town. I'm glad not to be on that emotional rollar coaster anymore, but it's sAd not to have a relationship with either of your parents. I have no brothers or sisters, and am not in touch with my dad or his family. Once my moms mom passes I will be alone. I'll post more as it comes to me. Thanks for "listening".

Rain · November 17, 2014, 12:50:42 PM

We are here for you, as you can be for us in our Journey. We believe you. I'm sorry for what you've gone through, Ladybug. It is just awful.

And, as mentioned before, the Pete Walker web site www.pete-walker.com and his books are very healing and can take help hugely on understanding what happened back then, and how it impacted you. It is a kind and caring book; a wonderful author.

Ladybug · November 17, 2014, 03:09:14 PM

I came across BPD years ago in my research and I do believe it's a fit with my mother. I bought a book about the BPD mother. I need to dig that one out and read it again I think. I don't know if she's NPD, but I do believe that her mother (my grandmother and only living family member) is. I do plan on getting a couple of Pete Walker's books. Waiting until Black Friday - I'm sure Amazon will have a sale!

thank you so much for your replies, Rain.

Rain · November 17, 2014, 03:24:43 PM

We are all here for you, Ladybug, as you can be for us, as well. And, you're welcome, Ladybug.

p.s. - I hope Amazon has a sale ...my book wish list is long!!!

Ladybug · November 17, 2014, 06:40:36 PM

I did some more research, and I do see that threatening suicide can be a characteristic of NPD. *sigh My mother has told me that the only reason she won't kill herself is because it would prove her mother right "that she really is crazy" when my mom wants to believe everything is her mother's fault, rather than accept some responsibility and seek the counseling she needs. She was always blaming everyone else. So frustrating. She says my grandmother was hard on her (they have been estranged for 6-7 years, after her dad passed away. He held the family together the best he could) and I know that she was, but it is still her responsibility to seek counseling for what she went through, but she sees getting counseling as admitting fault for some reason. She always said "I'm not the one that needs help, she (her mother) needs help". Big ol' stupid viscous cycle. I'm trying to stop it.

Rain · November 17, 2014, 07:29:23 PM

Oh Ladybug, your FOO and extended make my brain turn into a pretzel! eeeek!

Gosh, I hope you can find loving, kind people ...back away and get away from that grossness. oh sigh.

You'll navigate it. I know you can. oh, what some children go through when it should be giggles, bubbles, fun, and sweet memories.

Ladybug · November 17, 2014, 08:55:58 PM

I guess I am ahead in that I do not blame myself for how I was treated. I am also aware of what you said "parents are not to talk about their own adult issues with their children. None of them. Period. Children are to be children and not take care of parents, including listening to parent's adult problems." So many times I felt like I was the parent and she was the child, because in a way she was (immature) since she did not get her needs met as a child. It seems she sought them from me at times.....such as approval. It is such a convoluted situation.

I love the responses I'm getting here bc this is the first time I am relating to anyone about what I've been through! I hate that we all went through what we did but hooray for bein able to help each other along.

Rain · November 17, 2014, 09:27:02 PM

I'm so glad you are comfortable here, Ladybug, and you can share, and see in others what you've gone through! Everyone brings a piece of the solutions puzzle to the table here at OOTS.

It is easier to step away from the crazy past, with kind people to move towards, and be with in the transition.

zazu · November 18, 2014, 10:58:28 AM

Hi Ladybug,

It sounds as if you have a good grasp on what happened in your family and it's great that you don't blame yourself for your mother's actions. That can be a really tough for some people, so IMO you're already ahead.

It is sad (though probably necessary) that you can't have any relationship with her. It seems strange to grieve for a family member who's still alive. Yet it often ends up being something we have to do with the PPDs in our lives.

Badmemories · November 29, 2014, 12:24:06 PM

to YOU ladybug,

Ladybug wrote:
I did some more research, and I do see that threatening suicide can be a characteristic of NPD. *sigh My mother has told me that the only reason she won't kill herself is because it would prove her mother right "that she really is crazy" when my mom wants to believe everything is her mother's fault, rather than accept some responsibility and seek the counseling she needs. She was always blaming everyone else. So frustrating. She says my grandmother was hard on her (they have been estranged for 6-7 years, after her dad passed away. He held the family together the best he could) and I know that she was, but it is still her responsibility to seek counseling for what she went through, but she sees getting counseling as admitting fault for some reason. She always said "I'm not the one that needs help, she (her mother) needs help". Big ol' stupid viscous cycle. I'm trying to stop it.

I think that is what separates those of Us who are working on our problems rather than blaming others for our problem.

Rain wrote:

But, I am responsible to address issues in myself that I have as a consequence of their choices. Life is not fair, but it is what I have in front of me, as for you as well.

Keep on keeping on!