My Official Introduction

[BigGreenSee123]

Hi.

I'd posted a few times before realizing I never made an official introduction in the right thread. So, here I am and here's a bit of my back story...

I first heard about CPTSD on some random webpage. I was doing as I often do when I'm feeling bad and lost - trolling the internet for answers. All the descriptions felt very familiar to me, especially the sort of pervasive, enduring nature of it. I feel like I've been trying to make sense of my world for years. By this time I had already been diagnosed with depression and knew I could easily fit into other diagnostic categories like social anxiety, GAD, depersonalization/derealization, and maybe even schizoid personality disorder (in a discussion about personality disorders my T once noted she thought I came closest to this, though she was never one for officially assigning any labels). I identified with the information I found on CPTSD, though, especially the concept of emotional flashbacks. So I tried to get whatever information I could on it to help me through.

In particular, I felt like it helped me in understanding some things that didn't make complete sense to me, especially the more I grew to understand the way I related to other people. I am terrified of people. I could likely fool you, I play the part of the socially competent girl well. But, I just do what I need to do to survive in the social world. Ultimately, I can't get close to anyone. I've never really had a romantic relationship, even the people I am closest to are kept at a distance, and the prospect of coming any closer to anyone or revealing my authentic self is threatening.

So, the CPTSD has given me a new perspective, yet I still feel like I am lost. I have really always identified more with the outcomes side of it, not the causes. The proposed etiology of this disorder is that it comes from trauma (hence the name, of course). And me? I don't know that I have any more trauma than the average individual raised by parents who are human and inevitably flawed. I know that just before I turned two my brother was diagnosed with leukemia and my parents were dealing with that for the next year or so. I know that my mom has told me she regrets leaving me behind during that time, distracted by my brother's disease if not her own depressive response to the situation. I know I freaked out when I was left at someone else's house or something in the years after. I know that, years later, my parents got divorced and my dad got a bit bitter and my mom got a bit depressed again. I know they both remarried to people who I felt were passive aggressive and had issues of their own. I know my mom is a fairly anxious, neurotic person herself and my father is emotionally distant - I haven't really been in contact with him for the last 3-4 years and, for whatever reason, seem to be relatively unbothered by that fact.

But that's it. It makes very little sense to me how my internal, chaotic emotional life developed out of this pretty mundane life. I remember being in high school wishing for things like car crashes - not because I wanted to get hurt but because I wanted to have a reason for already being in pain. I still feel this way. I really really don't want to harm anyone in saying so but I've been working on trying to work on authentically revealing my experience to others recently so I have to admit that I sometimes find myself wishing terrible things had happened in my life. I wish my father hit me so I could understand why it doesn't bother me that we never see eachother. I wish someone harmed me because then I would get why I can't seem to get close to anyone ever. Maybe then I'd be able to make sense of my story. Maybe then I'd be able to mourn.

But that's not the case and I am not someone who could pretend it was. I have no memories of terrible things happening to me. I just have vague memories of a slightly sub-par childhood and the recognition that I am often feel stuck in the desire for someone to validate my seemingly unexplainable pain. But I don't understand it, I don't know where it comes from, and I often don't know how to deal with it.

So I hope that's alright, and I hope you don't mind my presence here. I still find I can relate to things many of you say and it's a bit of a relief to feel like there are others out there who could understand my struggles. Again, I hope I didn't harm anyone in mentioning how I feel about my own history. I just wanted to be honest, and I hope that those who are reading know that I make no intention of trivializing anyone else's experience or manufacturing a story like theirs in order to manipulate others. I have never done so, it's just some kind of fantasy. I hope you can understand.

Thanks for listening.

[woodsgnome]

BigGreenSee123,

Thank you for your intensely honest and well-crafted introduction.  .

The comparative nature of how this cptsd messiness works seems rather immaterial. As you say, you recognized when you heard about it that cptsd was a fit for the path you find yourself on. Degrees of abuse are all over the map for us, but they all fit together--we were damaged, we know it, and we don't know where to turn to now.

People came here via many different paths, but they all involved intense struggle with self, others, and the world as we've experienced it so far. The "so far" element seems a key, so I'll paint a little scene. It's like we're at a door with a hundred ways to unlock our pain, lots of advice on what to do next, which one will turn the lock, etc. ad infinitum. It's easy to panic, maybe even give up it seems so hopeless. Eventually the outside advice dies down and we're left where we started; alone, still depressed, probably a bit angry, but hoping that somehow we can muster the strength for what we need to truly be about getting that blasted door open.

So that's kind of my take on why we've all landed here. In some instances we've tried all options. For many, therapy seemed key, but as gets discussed here, that road has some potholes in it, too.

Something you wrote hit home for me. You said:

"I am terrified of people. I could likely fool you, I play the part of the socially competent girl well. But, I just do what I need to do to survive in the social world. Ultimately, I can't get close to anyone. I've never really had a romantic relationship, even the people I am closest to are kept at a distance, and the prospect of coming any closer to anyone or revealing my authentic self is threatening."

You made similar comments along these lines in the recent "acting" thread, and I knew well what you said there, and how you've expressed it in this post. I've been close to so many, but no cigar, as they say, almost always. Im petrified of people, which I talked of in another thread where I relayed all that I ever learned from the adults who abused me and peers who bullied me (sadly at the adults' bidding). My lesson, my mountain of pain from those years seems to have left me with one lesson: "Love hurts, trust kills."

In an odd way, I can also relate to your "wanting harm" sentiments. I had plenty of it, in spades sometimes, but it's weird, I guess I almost wished for that car crash you mentioned, or that something would end it. Because I wasn't wanted, and if I were gone at least I wouldn't be anyone's toy to be kicked around anymore.

Thanks so much for being here. I've found your posts very relevant and enlightening. Actually, some things you said in the "acting" thread charged my thinking to ponder what my acting/real self conundrum really means. It was like a jolt of realization that has me reviewing that important aspect of my life--in a good way!

Thanks again...hope to see you further on this trail. We're all journeying together but separate, hoping still for that key we lost en route. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi big green see 123
Thank u for sharing ..
I think it's fantastic to be here and be around others who are low judgment and it feels safe to share with
It's interesting what you share and it got me thinking about the word 'trauma' I haven't got a dictionary to hand but I was relating it to physical trauma referred to by medics - eg someone has a bad bruise and they say 'there is trauma to the right arm - or whatever
My father is and was emotionally unavailable and it has had a big impact on me -
If a parent is not engaged in this way then I know for me I felt so many things from it such as not loveable, unacknowledged and not seen - also not protected or to have that safe space to share any of my feelings ...
Relationships depression and anxiety - fear  have been my life long issues ) with low esteem and self hatred
I don't feel offended at all by you saying
Quote ' wishing terrible Things had happened ' if u fit a cptsd and identify with it then that is v good as a workable framework - what effects one person may have a different impact on another person I think the key is to know how and what u experience and that the emotional distance you experienced from your foo has effected you as a person -
For me emotional lack of connection was my biggest thing even though my mother was emotionally abusive the lack in our house all round I think is what has effected me most -
Attachment problems are common for us - and this has been a prevalent issue throughout my life it's now at 42yrs I finally feel I am becoming more functional in this area
Re emotional flashbacks I found it such a relief to have a name for them - emotional problems have always been my difficulty
I am not diagnosed with cptsd ( no diagnosis in UK ) but I identify ( like you ) in the criteria
And a huge sense of relief that I'm not a weird black sheep as I'd always felt
I like what Peter walker says in his book
Quote 'if cptsd were ever given its due the Diagnostic Manual would shrink to the size of a pamphlet
In other words the role of traumatised childhoods in most adult psychological disorders is enormous. I have witnessed many clients with cptsd misdiagnosed with various anxiety and depressive disorders

So you have a rightful place here just as we all
Seemingly do and if the solutions fit then that is a gift
All these labels are just labels - but they do provide a framework for recovery - and we all are experts in our internal world
Go well and all best wishes for your new recovery -
Peace comes from knowledge and awareness and Lord only knows over the past 20+ yrs I have got it from where I can and what feels right

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi and a pleasure to meet, again. 

I remember being in high school wishing for things like car crashes - not because I wanted to get hurt but because I wanted to have a reason for already being in pain. I still feel this way. I really really don't want to harm anyone in saying so but I've been working on trying to work on authentically revealing my experience to others recently so I have to admit that I sometimes find myself wishing terrible things had happened in my life. I wish my father hit me so I could understand why it doesn't bother me that we never see eachother. I wish someone harmed me because then I would get why I can't seem to get close to anyone ever. Maybe then I'd be able to make sense of my story. Maybe then I'd be able to mourn.

What you've written here strongly resonates with me. I know those feelings. I 'wish' I had it worse, for it would 'fit better', I would then certainly have a reason to 'claim' cPTSD. Or even 'simple' PTSD...

So I hope that's alright, and I hope you don't mind my presence here. I still find I can relate to things many of you say and it's a bit of a relief to feel like there are others out there who could understand my struggles. Again, I hope I didn't harm anyone in mentioning how I feel about my own history. I just wanted to be honest, and I hope that those who are reading know that I make no intention of trivializing anyone else's experience or manufacturing a story like theirs in order to manipulate others. I have never done so, it's just some kind of fantasy. I hope you can understand.

Thanks for listening.

Thanks for sharing, and your presence is welcomed.

[BigGreenSee123]

Thank you all for the kind welcome. I have been having a particularly rough few weeks now and came on here in the hopes of some support and relief - and that is exactly what I have gotten. I am truly appreciative. The care and compassion I have seen expressed (not just to me) has been sorely needed and also prompted me to reflect on how I interact with people. Though I typically view myself as a kind individual I tend to be fairly restrained when it comes to extending support to others (because showing you care may lead to a sense of interpersonal closeness, something which I tend to run away from). However, the example you all have set makes me motivated to continue working on this issue.

Woodsgnome - I really like your metaphor about the door. It reminded me of an art project I worked on once. I made a screen print of a detailed line drawing of my childhood home, the door of which was the only colored element in the thing - a solid, heavy red. I don't think it was a coincidence that the print turned out this way. I am, indeed, looking to unlock many things - my personal history, who I am, my emotional nature, healing, etc. The funny thing I feel I've learned thus far, though, is that I'm often fooled into thinking there is only one door. For me, at least, it's been more like I get one open (or maybe I just crack a window and sneak my way into the bathroom), only to realize there is another right behind it.

I wish you all the best on continuing down the path. Thanks