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I seem to have reached the 'anger phase' in my healing journey. I find I dip in and out of anger when things are going well and I'm being well supported, maybe because it allows me to feel I am valid in my own right, and my needs are valid that it brings up past memories where I was NOT ALLOWED to have negative reactions at all. My mum and eldest sister in particular would rile me up SO MUCH and be so nasty and/or inappropriate and push me and push me - its like they would push me to get angry and then react with either outright fury or silent fury or an infuriating 'sssshhhhh! Look at you getting all riled up, forget I even brought it up! sssh' (my mum LOVED to do this). She'd say deliberate inflammatory remarks then I'd get angry and I just remember her smirk, she enjoyed the whole thing so much. My god, remembering this now makes me so mad. I've been no contact for a while and honestly, maybe I sound awful, but remembering all the frustrating ways in which she would deliberately invoke reactions in us makes me so mad, I begin to feel vengeful and just like....who does she think she is?! I hate narcissism, NPD is so vile, it makes me so mad thinking of all the things they enjoy doing to people that involves hurting others!

Anyone else experienced feeling this angry? I've seen on various sites that getting angry is a good thing..a sign that i am feeling mu rights and worth and identifying with the ways in which i was wronged and having this response towards that. I just don't know what to DO with this seemingly delayed anger. I mean, it was always there when the incidents first happend, but I had to suppress and contain my anger rigidly at the time to survive and now its popping up out of context and away from the abusive people - where am i supposed to direct it at? and HOW do i process it?? 

Thought I'd introduce myself, just signed up to this a few days ago and considered joining to implement this resource as part of my recovery. Well, hopefully.

I've just graduated. And I'm terrified. Because graduating from my degree in this country means taking up work (doctor) a few weeks later. I am almost at a loss as to even know how I made it this far now I have discovered what the monster is that I've been living with all my life (C-PTSD). I guess my degree has aided me - sometimes its felt like studying medicine has given me the 'insider scoop' on mental health. But nowhere did they teach us about C-PTSD. I've accessed the university psychology service amongst other counselling services for years dealing with the symptoms (anxiety, depression, guilt, flashbacks, shame etc) and at best, one counsellor told me I would go into 'ptsd-like symptoms' when things became too stressful.
It was only 2 years ago, when things became stressful beyond belief, that the C-PTSD became a living nightmare. I got it from being raised by a very narcissistic mother. Constant abuse. My dad was very ill from before I was born so most of my memories of him are 'his leaukemia'. I have an older sister who is sociopathic. Extremely abusive. Won't go into too many details yet. Another sister has bipolar disorder and my youngest has a very discernible lack of empathy. I suspect she has gone down the NPD route. Is mostly concerned with how attractive she looks, how intelligent she is, likes to surround herself with people 'of high status' and uses and abuses people's kindness unabashedly. 2 brothers who are dysfunctional in their own ways. One of them is mum's loyal servant and believes her to be akin to the second coming of christ (a narrative she likes to push) and the other - angry, selfish, always out to see what he can get from others.
I spent YEARS and YEARS trying to 'fix' and help everyone. Finally I cut them all out. I'm too scared right now to go into the different types of abuse different members subjected me to but enough is enough. They're all out.

I'm free and yet I'm trapped within the confines of my own mind. The cognitive dissonance is terrifying me. My lack of concentration and poor memory at the moment is terrifying me - how on earth can I be a good doctor if my memory continues like this? I have made plans to find a therapist as soon as I move to my new city where I will start work. I have been putting a lot of effort into healing. Because I do not want to fail my patients, my supervisors, or myself. I do NOT want this to define my life.

But boy is it hard. Just the other day it hit me that I'd forcefully shaped my personality over the years to the whims of narcissistic abuse. Thinking it was normal and that I was the problem - and if i could adapt and get accustomed to that very familiar pattern of idealisation - devaluation - discard and the very characteristic ways of narcissistic injuries, narcissistic rage etc, that I could finally master 'life'. I've effectively been brainwashed and added to that myself. I'd always been told my real self when i dared express it is 'too sensitive'. Of course it would be convenient to call me too sensitive if someone does not want objections to their behaviour - of course it would be the nice way to avoid accountability. This makes me feel SO angry when I think of this and how my delicate child self accepted this and began to self-torment daily.

Well, no more. I don't know what the future holds but i sure know what it doesn't - and that is,  a continuation of living by the rules of disordered people.

Sorry to have just blurted out all my thoughts and ramblings here - I have been in a difficult place of feeling too overwhelmed and yet not wanting to burden my friends with all of my deepest thoughts.

I hope everyone here is having a nice day and it would be nice to get to know some of you. Sending everyone some hugs