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Thank you all so much for the support. I can't tell you how much you helped.

When I finally sent the text about one minute later, she replied, saying she had tried to call to let me know she was Ing for giving out my number and that it would not happen again. Then she asked if I forgive her and of course I do. But then she didn't address the other stuff and I wonder if she even read it based on how fast she answered. Either gaslighting or something strange I don't know but I think I feel better and now if she does it again, I can at least point out that this is what I was talking about in my text.

I did it. 

Well, I think I've tweaked and thought this thing to death. I can really deconstruct all  the ways c-ptsd affects this type of thing. I had weird dreams related to it all night and woke up thinking of my great grandpa of all people.

I guess I, going to Hail Mary and send this text. She has been calling, texting and instagramming every day since our gathering, but only with "had a great time" and "positive" quotes. Gaslighting much? I offer to talk to her about it later if she would like. I hope I'm not throwing myself to the dogs, but if I am,I understand that it will be her choice to force me to maintain a distance.

Yall have really helped me take a deep breath, and I could feel the tension relax. Thank you. Yes it's like I go around and around in my head and analyze the way I say everything and what exactly I say and is it exactly what I want to say and will it come across that message. And I get amped up and my head starts spinning and well. I usually feel like I've waited too long and the time has passed and then the person feels like I ghosted them. I don't want to do that. Oddly this is an important person to me so I want to handle it correctly, but I don't believe she is self-aware at all and I guess the fear is the usual fear. How the person who is unconscious of their misbehavior will react.  I can say who cares all I want but my nervous system does care apparently. Lol.

Ugh. And now I keep tweaking the text and still haven't sent it. 

Thanks BB and Kizzie, I like the point that either way it's uncomfortable so may as well do it! I've spent way too long writing a short text out this morning. She called last night and I saw her name and froze and didn't answer. One part is the major violations of that night and the other part is more covert. She did do a little of it that night as well just the way she responds to me with toxic positivity And almost like she's correcting what I say. I think of it as she is policing my thoughts and feelings. It's bizarre because she gaslight herself and does the toxic positivity thing to herself, so of course she does it to other people, but she does it to me more. I feel like a target of sorts. When I've said things to her in the past she has been, well toxically positive. But in condescending covert way it's hard to explain. It's to the point where I already feel on guard around her. I tend to think she would not like that but then that's what this whole dynamic creates I guess. as usual, I feel responsible .

Interesting thread, narc kiddo and others! This resonated with me so I thought I'd share. I knew with your TW it might be humorous, and hairballs did not disappoint!

Touch for me is a nuanced topic, and I think for th most part it is the 'expectation' that makes it repulsive for me. First, my NMom who was physically abusive, a,ongst other types..fear-inducing and not loving, then around people she would put on a display of hugging me. Then, her hugs are the creepy, too clingy, too long type of hugs that make your skin crawl.

My enabling dad's hugs had that lingering too long, and somehow slightly sexual in innuendo. Like his hand would be a little too low or high. Whatever the case, I never got the sense from my parents that hugs were a comforting, comfortable or endearing thing. They were sort of a creepy requirement, mostly for show around other people.

That said, I'm OK with hugs from certain people. I can tell the type of people who have a healthy way of interacting and hugging, and that's fine.

Just with basic touch, though, I am more sensitive than the common person. I don't like people touching my hair, especially. Don't like people who walk up and get all touchy-feely and if you poke me for any reason, I will likely come unglued internally when I say something like, please don't do that most people make a comment like I'm too sensitive or a cold or they were just being friendly. Maybe I don't have a sense for what, but I do know that I don't like.

Thank you Kizzie. I've been maintaining through challenges, but some harder situations have come up that I'm struggling to handle better. Like a cousin who I occasionally see, but who has always been a close cousin and friend has amped up her boundary, crossing and frankly way of communicating with me that is very offputting. I think you could call it toxic positivity on steroids I can barely express a thought without her, correcting me and some sort of toxic positivity way. Then, we were out and she was talking to, some guy and she gave my number to him (since she's married). I didn't know that until later, but now I feel very violated, and like I should have called out the other stuff sooner. So now I'm overwhelmed with feeling like I have to bring this up and talk to her about it somehow. And I don't know that she's the type who can hear it.

I've been stuck in dorsal vagal shut down for a while. I haven't been on here. I think I wrote one discombobulated post that I deleted because I didn't even understand it myself.

Feeling overwhelmed and have events coming up I really don't want to go to. Having trouble staying true to myself and boundaries. Yesterday Myself in a situation where I once again fawned and stressing over whether or not to say something and if so, what?

I think I've just changed, for one thing, and have a hard time with other peoples projections and discomfort. This is why I isolate, I often feel uncomfortable around others. My boundaries are often crossed because I've always been a pleaser. I don't want to be like that anymore, but I struggle to assert myself in a functional way. Then I just shut down and isolate and people think I've ghosted them.

Why can't I just tell them how I feel and let the chips fall where they may? That is just a terrifying notion to me, unfortunately.

Thank you for your response, blueberry. I do agree with what you're saying. It's hard. And the closer it gets the more I'm feeling depressed and panicky about the situation. I'm really struggling lately for multiple reasons, and this is just coming along at a really bad time adding to it.

I'm going to keep thinking about what you said, and what my truest gut feeling is in the end. I wish I could just be happy and enjoy the wedding, but then I already know I don't live in fantasyland anymore.

So, a sibling is getting married. I have a decent/good relationship with this sibling and don't want to be no contact with her.

However, everyone who I have issue with will be there. NM and her husband, who I am no contact with, LC dad and stepmom, and a sprinkling of " family is everything" aunts, and uncles who have treated me different since they caught wind. I am no contact with my mother, sort of held out hope for far too long something might change. Last thing that happened was my stepdad texted me that she is "granting me my wish and letting me go for good." so that says the narrative is still all twisted around and that there is no hope.

It's a small wedding in an intimate space. I want to support my sibling, but I don't know if I should just go and ignore everybody, or make a huge statement by not going. I know if I don't go it will be a huge deal to family who are there, and it will probably mean that I am now no contact with my entire family. it's just an example of how I'm the one who's ostracized for not taking abuse anymore.

I don't really want to miss her wedding, but it is very overwhelming and I'm kind of pissed that it's set up to where I have to choose. I also think it's sort of silly to be marrying someone she hasn't known that long. I've only met him three times and never met his large clan of young children. I feel like she doesn't really care how I feel about it which is normal but maybe we're not as close as I always thought we were.

Thanks, Armee..yeah, I don't manipulate, at least not purposely. But I don't think I do. I would be mortified to do the things my NM does to manipulate. I still feel mortified over things I said or did years ago sometimes, things that don't come close to the damage done by every day comments and actions of my NM. For instance, NM was very PA to me regularly. When I was around 6 I remember smacking a dog in the face to get it to behave. I have been mortified at myself ever since, and hope that somehow my soul will connect with that dogs soul in th elect life so I can apologize and hug it. My NM doesn't think she owes me any apology for a while hood of PA and lifetime of EA, and smearing me to my family.

I told her I wasn't sure if I would go if it was at NM's. I would like to go for her, it just sucks that it always and will always involve NM and her flying monkeys.

I love my niece and nephew and wanted to be their involved aunt, but my time with them is drastically reduced and now it seems even they believe the narrative that this is all my choice and issue. I think part of it is carried over by my GC sister even. She doesn't do anything to stop it.
I don't really know the details about that, it's just a hunch by the way they don't want to spend as much time with me, and when I'm there they stare at their phones or stay in their room. Regular teenagers? Maybe.

They will now all live in a house like the Brady bunch so my time there will be nil.

Thanks, blueberry. Interesting for sure. This helps visualize what's going on. I know from experience my response to the juggling would likely be fawning and laughing at myself. Which I hate when I'm doing it. I know intellectually I don't have the skills to juggle 5 balls so why would I be able to? But, also feeling very exposed and on the spot if someone was expecting me to. Like I had to at least try. Ugh.there would be some dysregulation going on. Especially as a kid. I would have expected myself to know how to juggle.

Reading your very well expressed personal talked on this subject, I'm already feeling a lot calmer about this. I really hear what each of you are saying. I think once I recognize something in me that fits, I'm horrified that I have a trait like that. For instance, I knew I have trouble connecting to others like other people around me. Like I always feel like I hear a bunch of gibberish when in a group and like everyone is laughing and enjoying the conversation, and I can't even hear what anyone is saying, nor think what I do hear is funny. lol. Now to lear that narcissists can't connect with people, I've been down on myself.

I also feel I used to connect well until person after person betrayed me in some way. I now understand it likely had more to do with the "home" like vibe of abusive people I was drawn to for friendship and partners.

Anyway, I digress. Yeah, I don't believe the label themselves are the important things, but understanding these behaviors are not "our fault. And having a framework to understand helps a lot. I do self reflect and see things in myself, and while that may discount NPD, it's still disturbing! And, if I DO have traits of NPD, all I can do is recognize them and do my best to change them as I go. And so what if I'm deemed self focused by some. Maybe I am due to trauma on trauma. Many people don't even try to figure it out, so, what's wrong with trying?