Please could I have a reality check? (TW CSA)

[meanwhileup]

Hi. I'm having couples therapy and it's really making me revisit my traumatic childhood (which is probably a good thing but I'm finding it really unsettling). Today I realised that I was abused by a neighbor's daughter as a child. I feel really ashamed and confused because it's taken me until now (35+ years later) for it to even occur to me that it was abuse. Even now, my almost impenetrable wall of dissociation is telling me that "it wasn't that bad", "I'm over exaggerating", "other people had it much worse than me".

In my head I think I was abused and that was a bad thing. But I've no idea how to respond to that. I experienced so much different trauma as a child that it is all so normalized for me that up until now, I've passively accepted everything. Most of the crazy stuff that's happened to me I've just passed off as amusing anecdotes to tell people about my weird upbringing (not everyone can say that they had a stranger escaped from a secure psychiatric hospital sleeping in their living room for 6 weeks when they were 9, or that their mother convinced them in their early teens that they were too sick to go to school for a year just so that she could "care" for them). It's only really now that I'm realizing that none of what I experienced was appropriate for a child and I'm starting to grieve for the years that I've lost and for the negative parts of my life now.

How do you all even try to come to terms with trauma in your childhood if you have no reference points for how it was supposed to be and learned coping mechanisms which blank all feelings about it all out?

[Kizzie]

How do you all even try to come to terms with trauma in your childhood if you have no reference points for how it was supposed to be and learned coping mechanisms which blank all feelings about it all out?

Slowly, one step at a time with help from other survivors, a therapist who knows about abuse and neglect and CPTSD, and anyone else who is prepared to support you with compassion, validation and care including adult you helping younger you. As survivors most of us know what life should have been like as as children and because what we went through was diametrically opposed to that we blank out memories and feelings so we can survive. Coming to terms with our pasts is difficult to be sure; part of the solution is to reach out here just like you have done. 

[BecomingMe]

Hello Meanwhileup and glad that you found your way here - it's a place where you can express yourself safely amongst others who can understand and support you without judgement and with empathy. I think minimising and "playing down" our experiences is one of the most common "side effects" of suffering childhood trauma as it's a necessary coping strategy for children when they are enduring any type of neglect or abuse. Your comments...

"it wasn't that bad", "I'm over exaggerating", "other people had it much worse than me".

...are very familiar sounding and something that most of us have in common. When we finally realise that our childhood was (in fact) far removed from what we should have experienced, it brings a lot of confusion and mixed emotions - including grief, anger and a range of other emotions that we don't initially understand. As Kizzie said, finding a good trauma-informed therapist that can work through this with you is probably one of the most essential/beneficial things you can do. It's not easy - but it IS worthwhile and when you can actually start to feel some healing take place it helps to continue the journey. That's how it works for me anyway.

I'm truly sorry for all that you have gone through and are going through now. Grieving is such a big part of the healing journey so it seems you have already started - even though it may not feel like it right now. Welcome to this forum and I'm sure you will continue to find support and resources to help you progress further. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself and hope it's okay to send you a warm hug