Messages

Naturluvr

I don't feel like your post is at all whining in self pity. I think it's beautifully written. You are expressing something that is absolutely true, and I believe you have every right to be angry at your mother's drinking and at the repeated bullying that you took way too often all those years later.

When I see responses from other members, like this one from Forestedlot, I see that by you sharing your truth, you're already helping others to feel less alone with the same sorts of struggles.

As it "gradually comes out, one layer at a time", I also welcome your writings and I'm honored to be able to read what you feel compelled to write. Most of us on this forum have been made to be quiet for far too long, and the best cure for having to stay quiet is opening up and exposing the truth. It doesn't matter that your mom didn't understand (or maybe didn't care) in 1961 the dangers of drinking while pregnant. That doesn't mean you have to accept it. It happened and you've suffered for it. You have the right to be angry about it. I'm angry about it with you!!!

HOpe,

The clunkiness in knowing what to write is perfectly okay. I can really feel the complexity of your emotions in your writing. It isn't clunky to me, it's heartfelt. You're feeling a connection to a movie, and now you're reaching out to your friends for support. Nothing clunky about that. I do it from time to time too. There have been a few movies that have done this for me as well. The line you describe proves that someone supported a woman in ways that you wish someone had once supported you. I have felt that same emotion in movies too.

I agree with the others, write what you feel like writing. No more, no less. Let it be clunky if that's how it comes out. We're not English teachers, we don't grade the posts.  We all seem to know that each of us sometimes just needs to reach out and feel that there are supportive souls surrounding us.

We're surrounding you now. What you're feeling is unique to yourself, but we support you because we've felt similar things, and we will likely feel them again.

We all want to give and receive the support we once missed out on.

Slashy

I'm sorry you're starting to feel the pain again. I hope that the friendships your making on the forum are able to bring some comfort to you as you feel this. The beauty of this community is that we understand each other in ways that hopefully help us each feel less alone with our (sometimes painful) healing journey.

I truly believe that I can handle a lot more grief when I know I have people on my side ready to send a hug emoji or a few kind words when I feel alone and adrift.

I'm sending you a hug emoji now. It carries true emotion and support with it. I hope you can feel that. 

I very much enjoy interacting with you. I hope that helps in some way.

PC.

Good point, Narckiddo,

When we start to feel compassion for our inner child, it shows we are starting to understand the damage that was done, which is the first step in any healing.

It's painful, but it begins the journey of healing.

SH,

One thing that I've come to believe for my own healing is that any treatment I pursue that involves a blend of physical and spiritual concepts works. Any treatment that is only physical is just me spending money and time on chasing a carrot.

To clarify: I am not religious. I believe spirituality is more a sense of believing that I'm connected with others in a bigger picture than I can see with my eyes. I personally don't profess to know what "god" is, but I do feel some sense of connection to all things. So I sometimes call it God, but only as an umbrella term that means: I don't know what the energy is, but I feel it, so I focus on it. It brings me peace. It teaches me how to love instead of fight for power or ego.

That being said, I have read and reread The Seat of the Soul about a dozen times now. The author, Zukav, has a chapter on power that has helped me to see through all the advertising and corporate and abusive power that I witness every day in real life and TV and movies. People who choose to obtain power on the horizontal (Physical) path can never get enough of it. They're on a treadmill that goes nowhere fast. They get what they think they want, which is to control others, but then discover that it didn't make them feel safe, so they try a little harder to do it wrong again. And then again. And then again.

They succeed to destroy the lives of others, and create servants out of creative thinkers, but in the end, they die miserable and unsatisfied. Physical power only lasts as long as you're breathing. In the end, we all die alone and take nothing with us past the deathbed.

I've been learning that while these abusive physical giants take what they want from me, I have a choice to join them on the horizontal path, which only sends me into anger and frustration, or to learn the ways of spiritual thinkers and look for my power on the vertical path, which feeds my soul more than my body.

I don't connect with religions, but I do read about the ways that some of them teach how to let go of things that I can't control, and to find my bliss within myself and any connection I have with any higher level of consciousness or existence. To me, spirituality is simply believing that what's happening in the physical world is not all there is. It's a sense of connection to energy that's bigger than myself. It's a connection to Love rather than to fear. Corporate greed is driven by fear and competitive thinking. It's a treadmill. Nobody ever wins that game. It drives the monsters crazy in the end.

Yesterday I started reading a book I found online called Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender, by David R. Hawkins. It's not religion based, he's a Psychiatrist who has discovered that letting go of emotion heals the body and the mind. I'm already a third the way through and its proving to be very helpful for me to find the way to letting go of my anger at the world. My stomach is so sick because of my lifelong stress that I'm at a point where it's do-or-die. Sadly I sometimes need to hit rock bottom before I'll reach for help. I think I'm at rock bottom with my ulcers and digestive system. If I don't learn to let go now, I don't know how much longer I'll be around.

Narcissists are known for being miserable people who pretend to be proud of themselves. The more they hate themselves, the more they treat us with cruelty. They are said to be insanely jealous of the fact that we are able to be loved and they are not. Some of them are coming out and writing books now, telling the world how miserable they are because they know they can't feel love and they wish they could. They admit that they do harm because it's the only emotion they can connect with.

They mistakenly believe that horizontal power is what they need to feel like they are in power. They tend to become more erratic and out of control as they age, in part, I believe, because they can't stop running on the treadmill of trying to fight their way into happiness. I think that's part and parcel to the old saying "Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely." Because, like a gambling addict who keeps thinking the next roll of the dice will be the one, they keep thinking the next person they take something from will be the victim to finally make them happy. The more they fail at finding joy, the more they believe they need to try harder to hurt their way into happiness with just a little bit more stolen power.

And with the explosion of billionaires on the earth now, those sorry souls have more power to hurt more people in their search for stolen happiness. What they think is their advantage is just a longer rope to hang themselves with in the end.

As the world becomes more and more dangerous, I am being driven more and more to letting go of it, and finding my peace in moments of quiet meditation, and feeling gratitude for who I am and for having been blessed to not be a narcissist. I can see how some narcissists are born and some are created by circumstance, so I feel like I can thank whatever power I feel above me, for allowing me to escape that horrible affliction of trying to find happiness by hurting others.

I would rather be a nail than a hammer because in the end, nails keep the house together while the hammer is eventually tossed aside and forgotten. I find more comfort in reaching for power on the vertical path of life and letting the hammers have the horizontal path. In the end, even the billionaires will die alone and broke.

Forestedlot,

Welcome to the forum. Your introduction post is perfect!  Armee and Narckiddo are correct, most of us join feeling sheepish, like we don't deserve to be here, but that's proof that we DO deserve to be here. We're here with others who share in the feeling as if our personal struggles are our fault, when in fact, our struggles were pushed onto us by people who have severely overstepped our personal boundaries and who have wrongfully convinced us that we are not worthy of being respected.

I think it's awesome that living in a camper is a dream you've always wanted, and now you're doing it. Good for you for making that dream come true!!! Keep believing in that dream, and a day will come when you can move it off your parents' property. One step at a time. It'll happen.

This community is filled with people who feel isolated even when in a crowd. Sharing that feeling of being the odd-one out is what helps us begin to feel accepted by people who are very much like us.

Your intro touched my heart in many ways. I'm glad that this community is here for you, as it is here for all of us who feel as conflicted as you describe.

As you interact with the loving and compassionate people on the forum here, you are okay to say as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. Some members (me included) tend to write long posts. Others write very short ones. Never feel like you are obligated to share what you don't feel comfortable sharing, but also don't feel afraid to say too much. The rules are pretty simple here, mostly about not being cruel to each other, not talking too much about politics and religion...stuff like that. But when we keep it in kindness, we're allowed to share what we feel compelled to share.

It's been my experience that no matter how unique I think my feelings are, when I share them with this community, the response from others proves I'm not so strange after all. We all have different backstories, but somehow, we all ended up here, and we share a LOT of similar emotions and fears. It's comforting to know others know what it feels like to be who we are today.

If you haven't read it yet, C-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, by Pete Walker, is a very good book to help us understand how we came to be who we are today. It proves that there are millions of people who feel similar to how we feel.

Welcome!

Slashy,

I hear ya. Emotions get tangled up and really hard to sort through.

The poor child didn't deserve to have these feelings get all tangled up, and I hope that as you slowly sort through the tangle, you are able to start finding the self-love that is there, but difficult to identify.

PC.

SH

I always enjoy your posts. I struggle with how we institutionalize raising children also. Not only do they need more recess, and more active time, rather than sitting at desks, I also struggle with getting them up at 6 am to get them to school on time. Children need a LOT more sleep than adults do, and we can do them a big service by letting them have that sleep.  I raised boys. They had a lot of friends who were at the house all the time. I was a boy. I remember how boys tend to grow mostly during summer vacation. Both of my sons went through massive growth spurts during summer break. In both cases, they outgrew shoesizes in less than two weeks. They each had a summer when we bought them brand new shoes, that they outgrew in a matter of only days. Their voices changed during summer break. My wife and I were talking about our grandsons and their growing patterns. She said "I think it's because during summer, they sleep in and don't have to sit in a classroom all day." I believe there's truth to that. Let them be who they are and their bodies and minds are allowed to grow.

Normal. It's not real. there's no normal. Even when we, as a society, define it, that definition is temporary. When I look at the things we called normal in the 1970s, I see things that are horrifically offensive today. And things we call normal now, were horrifically offensive then. It's a moving target.

To me, normal isn't a descriptive word. My search is for happiness. I want to feel safe, happy, and satisfied that I am who I am and I don't need to feel bad about that on any level. Those of us who are truly good people have the right to be who we are because we're not hurting anybody by doing so.

If given a choice, I'd rather be happy than normal.

Butterfly

  Your love speaks highly of you. Your family's abuse speaks lowly of THEM. No matter what, you hold to the kindness of your own heart. They didn't take that from you. You are awesome. It's good that we break ties and protect ourselves from abusive toxic bullies, and it's good when we keep our own good hearts intact rather than become like those people.

I say this all the time: We, the people who struggle with cPTSD, are the good people of this world. We suffer because we yearn for good, and we didn't become what they became. It hurts. It's a heavy burden to carry, but in the end I'm proud to be a part of the community of people who have not become like them.

Cascade,

I just want to give another safe, long-distance hug. 

I like the open "awakened" state you're writing to him from. You are taking back your power. You're speaking your truth. I can feel the positive, healing energy in your letters to him.

I think using purple is a great method. Anything I do that connects me with the loving energy of spirit while dealing with issues of the physical world seems to help me more than just doing it physically.  In fact, I've also noticed that only the CPTSD healing methods that include spiritual connection work for me at all.

Keep it up!    

Great to see you back on-line James,

It's always inspiring to witness the determination in those who keep searching for answers. You are exploring new ways to deal with past issues and it's working for you. I'm excited for you and hope that the positive changes continue to keep you upright and on the journey toward a better life.

I was doing some microdosing with mushrooms here, and while they were helping with my energy and focus, they were proving to be hard on my stomach, so I had to move on to other methods. But, like you, I'm open to new things, and they are often very helpful.

I hope you keep posting your progress. It's helpful to see what is working for others as I search the solutions for myself as well.

[They hate it when their victims stand up to them or escape them.]

Parnassuspete,

OMG. Your comment that she interpreted your action as hostility resonates so much with me. My older sister, 11 years my senior, did that to me all the time. For a little while I had an email footer that said "Sincerely" and then my name. That monster interpreted my standard footer as an act of aggression.

Here's what I believe: BULLIES hate one thing more than ANYTHING else in the world: They hate it when their victims stand up to them or escape them. That will send them into a rage faster than anything else. By you ending the call, or by me allowing my standard footer to end an email, felt, to them, like we escaped one of THEIR attacks. So, they reacted by blasting the airwaves with lies about how we are too emotional or too unstable to participate in family.  AND if this was about a parents' funeral, then the will is at stake. When my parents died, my sister wanted both ALL of their money and ALL of the attention. On both counts, I was the blunt end of a lot of lies and rumors and accusations as she worked hard to turn my entire family against me. 

I didn't care. I left the family. She got the money and the attention, and I got FREE FROM HER!

I win.

Little2Nothing

I've enjoyed your sharing. Thanks for all you've contributed so far. Be well!

In so many ways, we're all in this together.

I find so much comfort in that, after spending a lifetime believing I was alone with it all.

This really is a safe place for me too.

Cascade,

From my heart to yours, here's a nice, safe, distance hug just because we have felt some of the same things. There IS an end in sight.