Messages

Hi Artemis23,
Thank you so much for these kind words, this is exactly what I needed to hear    This just made my day 

Thoughts

Today I feel selfish for taking time off for myself. I am having problems having compassion towards myself, and I feel I should be "over it" by now. I know that recovery isn't a linear process, but it's hard to remind myself of this when I feel I should be better. I left my FOO when I was 17, and now, at 21, I am no longer in that environment and it feels like I should be better. My mother told me the same thing on the phone the other day, that I had seen a T back when I was 17 (she and I were not a good match, it turns out), and that I shouldn't be having Emotional Flashbacks of my father. I have found a great T right now, but I still feel selfish for taking up so much time for myself to heal.

I read Pete Walker's section on Angering, and I think I feel more angry towards myself than I do towards my parents (or even my abusive ex), and my Inner Critic is still very strong. Any thoughts on how to quiet that voice down? 

Thank you Dutch Uncle!   

Hi Contessa and welcome!     

Thank you Dutch Uncle!   
My FOO often held financial matters over my head and made me feel like a burden for taking up all their money. I think I still feel like this and I am very much terrified of wasting money 

Thank you for your kind words, it's very much appreciated. 

I don't know where I should post this or if this matters at all, but I'm facing a dilemma and I don't know what I should do. I am taking some summer classes at my university and it's been rather hard to deal with my panic attacks and follow my courses. This one particular course, although really interesting, demands a lot of work (a lot of papers, etc.) I've had problems and anxiety with writing academic papers due to some of my FOO's abuse (I come from a strict family of academics) and have talked about it a bit with my T. I feel that I took on too much of a work load by signing up to this class, and I don't know if I should drop out or not (there can be no refund at this point, but I have no academic penalties if I withdraw from the class). It also seems that the professor triggers me, and I've had to leave the class a couple of times because of panic attacks.

I don't know if this is a stupid subject, but what should I do? Should I withdraw from the class or should I continue it? 
Feeling a bit overwhelmed... I'm sorry if this post seems whiny 

It's unfortunately sad that we end up in these situations because of how dysfunctional and abusive our FOO was. That's why we have to recognize our own dysfunctional tendencies and address them so that we can break that pattern. In my case, it feels uncomfortable and stressful when I am with people who treat me right, because being treated badly and being abused is what I know and has become "comfortable" for me. It seems harder for me to recognize when I am being abused because it is what I expect in a way.

It's a sad situation and takes a lot of work to overcome, I hope that you're able to sort of piece your situation together in order to break free from that and learn to have healthier relationships. You deserve so much better than the abuse you've been through Chairmanmeow 

Also thank you Silverlight for your input, it helps knowing that I'm not alone in this 

Chairmanmeow, I totally get what you're saying, I can see parallels with your last relationship and mine. Although I don't think I experience helper's high, I think I get the concept. From what you're describing, I think you did everything you could in that relationship, as I did in mine. The fault lies with the people who abused us, not with us. But I think our fawn-freeze tendencies make it easier for us to stay in these kinds of abusive relationships without realizing we are being taken advantage of. Like you said, having someone to take care of, or just having someone there with us does really make us happy and satisfies a need we have. However, we seem to forfeit all our other needs in order to be with this person, and even when this person hurts us, we don't recognize it or expect them to take care of us and respect our needs. I think that addressing these tendencies can allow us to find healthier relationships with people who respect our needs, and in my case, it's pretty hard because I feel like people are dangerous and can't be trusted, and I tend to stay away from people all together. Until someone shows me a tiny bit of kindness, and that's when I'll forfeit my own needs and boundaries, and in the process, I open myself up to any kind of abuse. This is my case, and I'm not sure if that's how you feel, but from what I understand it fits in the fawn-freeze tendency.

The part about the client who couldn't stop apologizing really struck a chord with me, I have that problem too. I tend to apologize for situations that are clearly not my fault, and I've apologized countless times when other people hurt me, either physically or emotionally. I still have a problem apologizing and it's really hard to break free from that. For example, if I execute a move perfectly on someone in my MMA class, I will immediately apologize to them thinking that I've hurt them, even when they reassure me that I did everything correctly. I don't know if anyone else who has fawn-freeze tendencies can relate to that, but that really hit the nail on the head for me.

That's interesting, I've never actually heard of helper's high. I don't know if you're referencing the actual need to help people, regardless of whether people want it or not, or if you're referring to tending to other people's needs and helping them with their problems because it's easier tending to other people's needs than to your own. In this case (the last example, and like my own situation), it would be a fawning response, as you would take care of other people's problems at the profit of your own needs. It seems that was the case with your last relationship. Where she took advantage of your help (and that's clearly abusive on her part), you also forfeited your boundaries and weren't maybe able to communicate your needs either. I hope I am making myself clear, and I am really not trying to blame you for her behavior. I think though that some of our fawn-freeze tendencies have the potential of attracting people who abuse our willingness to help.

Did that clarify anything? 

Chairmanmeow, what you are describing sounds a lot like how I feel too, about having no expectations of a connection with people, or viewing them as dangerous, but also self-abandoning, or forfeiting my boundaries and identity, when someone shows me kindness. From what I understand, this seems to fit the fawn-freeze hybrid type, as we often dissociate from people or hurtful situations, but we also fawn and merge ourselves to other people too. Currently, I'm trying to find ways to work through this problem as to be able to have a healthier relationship with people instead of either dissociating or fawning (or using a combination of both).

I hope this helps! 

Three Roses, do you think it would be beneficial for me to write down the unspoken rules in my abusive relationship as well? For example, in my FOO one of the rules was: "Don't draw attention to yourself". However, with my ex, one of his rules was: "Draw attention to yourself by wearing revealing clothing". I adopted my ex's rules during the relationship even though they made me feel uncomfortable and went against some of my FOO's rules (that were also restrictive in their own way). What I'm left with now are two sets of different rules. Maybe it would be good for me to write both my FOO's rules and my relationship's rules down too (if that makes sense), what do you think?

By the way, it helps so much knowing that someone has gone through some of the same things, sharing tips on working through this is so great, thank you! 

Chairmanmeow (love the name by the way), I totally get what you're saying about being like a cat and being happy that someone is actually with me, but not being able to tolerate their affection. That could be because we're not used to having people express their affection towards us in a healthy way, and we view this as an automatic forfeit of our boundaries and identities? I think that's my take on relationships with other people that I tried to express in my previous posts, if that makes sense. I'd be curious to know about the passage omitted about men as well.

Three Roses, don't apologize for the length, this really helped, this was exactly what I needed, thank you! 

I've started doing step 1, and it's a constant upkeep, but I had never heard of step 2. That's really great, I never thought of writing the unspoken rules of my FOO down before, but it makes a lot of sense! Like your family, my FOO had the same "Don't draw attention to yourself" and "Never talk openly about your feelings" rules, it's interesting to see them written down. I will probably take up this exercise as well, it seems like a great way of addressing my problems, thank you for this!   

i would rather be alone than risk getting conned and betrayed again.

Arpy1, I totally get what you mean, I have the same feeling too. I'd rather keep myself safe and be alone than risk getting hurt again.
Dutch Uncle, I think I get what you mean, whenever I meet someone at first, even if I forfeit my boundaries, I still pull away at times and am considered to be rather distant. Like Arpy1 said, I think it's a kind of defense as not to get hurt.

I think ultimately, I view relationships with other people as an automatic forfeit of my boundaries and identity, and I have never been able to see this pattern. I may have a reluctance after I have forfeited my identity and pull away as not to get hurt, but I still seem to enter that pattern regardless. I've been blaming relationships, thinking that they were unsafe and unreliable (and my early relationship with my FOO was without a doubt), but I haven't seen how I contribute to making relationships unsafe for me. I have a choice now to either continue avoiding relationships, saying that people are unsafe and can't be trusted, or I can learn how to establish boundaries early on and how to maintain my identity with other people as to be able to have healthy relationships. The problem is, I don't know how to establish boundaries or how to start being myself with other people. Any thoughts and suggestions? 

Thank you Dutch Uncle and arpy1!!       
It makes me feel better knowing that I'm not the only one with this.
Does anyone find it hard to relate to other people? I seem to feel that people are dangerous and I should avoid them, but when someone shows me a tiny bit of kindness, I forfeit all my boundaries. Does anyone relate? 

Thank you Silverlight! Sending you hugs too, that 10 year relationship sounds awful, I'm so sorry to hear that   

I've been really hyper-vigilant about people lately, I'm really really scared of ending up in another abusive relationship like the one I had. I also tend to blame myself for not recognizing some of the red flags early on, as well as the abuse that occurred during my last relationship. So I think that's why I'm a bit worried about therapy and recognizing my fawn-freeze tendencies. I may be beating myself up about this though.