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So, I finally caved in and cut this morning. The urge had been mounting for days and I couldn't take it anymore. I figured I'd rather do this than the other addictive thoughts running through my head. I am NOT suicidal nor do I intend to do it again, at least not today. It had been 5 months since my last episode. I do not plan to tell my T or my psychiatrist. It will just freak them out. So now I get to deal with the shame and the scars. Way to go. Not a good decision, but now it's my reality.
Texannurse

My T wants me to do a "trauma egg" exercise. My general understanding is that you get all your trauma onto one page using only symbols - no words - then go through it with your T and look for themes to help focus the treatment.
Has anyone else done this? It looks scary and pretty overwhelming.

Texannurse

Just wondering how important or essential crying is in the process of recovery. I REALLY struggle with identifying and feeling emotions and never cry about the past. Occasionally something said or done in the present causes me to cry but only a little. The only time I really cry is when I'm angry.
Is this just something that will come with time?
Texannurse

Good afternoon! I saw my T last night and we discussed a few sexual assaults that happened when I was 16-19. I have always blamed myself for what happened .... I led them on .... I wanted it .... I'm a bad person, so I deserved it.

What she told me was that I was NOT at fault, that no one has the right to hurt another person. 2 of the incident were at the hands of men 20+ years older than me - one I felt attracted to and had dated. The other was the husband of a friend. She said they essentially groomed me for abuse. Why can't I believe her? I don't want to believe it was their fault - and I don't know why.

Then we talked about the original abuse when I was 9. No matter how many times she or anyone else tells me, I believe it's my fault. If I had just said no when he asked if I wanted to continue... I don't know why I think the way I do and I'm confused. I would think being told "it's not your fault" would help - but it never does. It just leaves me confused.

Texannurse

Good morning! I have a question about forgiveness. My therapist keeps trying to get me to understand my parents' backgrounds so I can understand why they did what they did to myself and my siblings. I don't want to do that. I don't care about their past. I don't want to feel sympathy for them. Is that totally selfish?
I'm really struggling with forgiveness - any help would be greatly appreciated.
Texannurse

Hello all! the more time I spend in recovery (currently in recovery for CPTSD, self harm and addictive behaviors) the more I seem irritable and angered so easily. It seems like it is getting worse instead of better. My T tells me I have much grieving to do - for what did and did not happen in my childhood. How do you even grieve something so long ago? I can barely deal with what I face today, much less open that old can of worms. Could all this anger be the starting? It's not directed at the past or my family, but current situations are triggering me really bad. I feel like I have a meltdown every day and I don't know how to process it - but I'm really good at shoving it all inside or turning it on myself.

Someone please tell me it gets better!

Loree

I am so confused - yesterday was a great day and today I feel horrible. All the trauma related memories are flooding my brain and I can't get them to be silent. And I do NOT have time to process right now. I am in pain and feel like I'm going to explode. Any suggestions for how to move the pain out of my line of vision so I can do what I need to do at work?

My therapist has me listen to inner child meditations, where you see your IC and relate to her, mother her, etc. But mine never shows up.
Is that normal? Does it just take time? or does it just not work for some people?

I really struggle to feel anything when I talk about my past. I mean, I get angry sometimes, but never sad or hurt - I've never shed a tear about what happened to me. Is that normal? My therapist said people who don't shed tears on the outside rust from the inside. Maybe I'm just not emotional... I don't cry at movies or feel deeply touched by anything sad.

Hi! I'm new here. Just got diagnosed with CPTSD yesterday. Previously diagnosed bipolar, ADD, compulsive self injury and sexual addiction. I just feel so alone - with such a mess going on inside my brain. I have no idea where to start. Now that I am starting to feel again - due to my 4th round of therapy - 10 weeks so far - I feel more out of control than ever.

Can anyone relate? It's hard to feel alone.