Being Kind

[sigiriuk]

Being kind to myself, makes me agitated, and makes me want to run away and escape.
Children who have grown up in State run children's homes, often react the same way, being suspicious of any kindness, fearful of where it might lead.

So whether the kindness comes from within me or outside, the alarm bells sound.

How can I get well, when kindness triggers traumatic memories?

I have found it easier to identify with the characters who verge upon hysteria, who were frightened of life, who were desperate to reach out to another person. But these seemingly fragile people are the strong people really.

Tennessee Williams

[Deep Blue]

Hey Slim,
I'm sorry about your kindness trigger.  I'm not sure if it will help but lately when I'm triggered I've been telling myself "im safe." 

Any chance you could do something similar?  Is telling yourself you are safe triggering as well? 

Hope you find answers

[sigiriuk]

Yes Deep Blue, thanks for sharing that. I will try to do that, and see how I get on. It is such an obvious thing to do, but trauma is like a blindfold sometimes, don't you think?

[Deep Blue]

I wholeheartedly agree with you.  Often when I'm triggered I forget what I did last time to get myself out of it.  Just another lovely effect 

[Three Roses]

Agree with all of the above. After I realize I'm probably triggered, I have a mantra: "It is now, I am here, I am safe."

Rinse and repeat.

As far as being kind to myself, I will sometimes tell myself I am being kind to a "part" of me - for instance, a child-part within me. It's easier to treat a child the way he/she should be treated, than to treat myself functionally.

[milk]

Slim, kindness triggers still plague me. When it happens I assess the situation, look at the facts, inquire about intentions, notice how I feel—— ask myself, do these feelings match the actions I am experiencing? Then I am a bit closer to being present to it.

may you find a way through that works for you

[radical]

I can relate, but I have found that there has never been an option in which I  can enact abuse on myself, including neglecting to be kind and respectful towards myself, and recover.  There is dissonance and a feeling of threat somehow, in self-kindness.  It is the very definition of unfamiliar because what I learned about myself in my family arose from lack of kindness and respect.

The way I see it, I have a choice in this between the 'familiar' , - quite literally what I originally derived from my family, and the unfamiliar and frightening experience of self-compassion, self-kindness and self-respect.  Without these, I can never deeply connect with others who might validate these attitudes, or with the world itself.

[Blueberry]

As far as being kind to myself, I will sometimes tell myself I am being kind to a "part" of me - for instance, a child-part within me. It's easier to treat a child the way he/she should be treated, than to treat myself functionally.

It was the same for me for a long time. The fact that it's now different - long story and not relevant here.

[LilyITV]

    I love that Tennessee Williams quote. 

I don't think kindness is a trigger for me, but I am deeply suspicious when someone is kind to me.  I always question whether they truly mean it and if they are secretly resentful at having done it.  Sometimes I just don't know how to handle it.  Am I supposed to reciprocate? Will the kind person be upset if I don't reciprocate or in the right way?  It sometimes feels like a test that I am set up to fail.