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When I was a teenager, my dad choked me to the point of blacking out. So anything involving throat pressure or not being able to breathe triggers me. It used to be so bad that if I had a cold I'd sit bolt upright in bed panicking if I got really stuffed up in my sleep. Today My 16 month old and I were cuddling in our recliner and he slammed himself into my throat and grabbed my hair. All the memories resurfaced and I panicked from the pain/lack of air for a few seconds, then calmly detached him and held him. I thought about why this triggered me and separated the situations- my father's abuse and my son's roughhousing both hurt me in similar ways, but my son's actions were involuntary. He's a baby- pulling hair and climbing people are his thing right now. He didn't do it purposefully, to hurt me. Something has been sitting oddly with me about the memories coming back up and I think it's that I'm looking back at it and I'm so glad I reacted the way I did, instead of letting the panic take over.

I have recurring dreams that tend to follow a theme. I'm escaping my childhood home but I'm driving a different car and it operates differently. Or I'm punching my mother in the face until my hand hurts and then I switch hands. I'm not a violent person in real life at all- this one disturbs me. My parents were mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually abusive throughout most of my adolescence and teen years, and my mother continues to be mentally and emotionally abusive. The escape dream I think is rooted in my actual experience of leaving home against my parents' wishes to attend trade school and live with my fiancé. The punching dream I think is tied to ongoing emotional and mental abuse from my mother. My father died years ago, but we made amends and had a good relationship when I was no longer living with my parents. I treat these dreams as things that are trying to teach me something so that I can heal. Generally, once I heal the issue or fix the problem, they stop. I've had recurring dreams like this but different for most of my adult life. When my grandmother was dying and I was pregnant, I dreamt I was preparing my family to survive a tornado that was coming. I think my subconscious mind takes over and does some of the healing/emotional release work that I can't do in my waking life. Because obviously I'm not going to slug my mother!