I married my MIL???

[sorrygirl]

Hi,

I've been married for 21 years and started a therapy 1 year ago and was diagnose with C-PTSD last week. I turns out that I just realised that my husband is a lot like my MIL that emotionally abused me when I was young.

Critisizing, a lot of anger, negativism, judgmental,... I don't feel safe around him (not physically, but mentally).

What do you do after 21 years of marriage!!! And I'm not in a emotional place where I can make a decison about leaving the relationship. 

[Wife#2]

Boundaries, my friend. Boundaries. If nothing else, write down and discover what YOU deserve in the way of treatment. Then, don't make rules, make boundaries. HOW would that look in life?

1) As a person with intrinsic value, I will not allow people to speak 'down to' me. I will remove myself from the presence of anyone who attempts this.

Then, decide what you are actually capable of doing if it continues - drive around some hours, visit friends for the evening, get a hotel room - whatever YOU know you can do reliably EVERY time, so that he knows this isn't a 'rule' with flexibility, but a boundary not to be crossed.

NO explaining, no negotiating - boundaries aren't negotiated, they are absolutes.

Even if you NEVER leave him, having boundaries in place can empower you to feel safe and valued - if not by him, then by the people you visit while 'removing' yourself from his presence! 

[sorrygirl]

Yes, I have a hard time setting my boundaries. The thing is I don't know if I can forgive him for all the thing he said to me...

[Wife#2]

Sorrygirl, I think you've made that decision then. Emotionally, you want to check out.

So, while you decide if that's what you really want, and in an effort to begin protecting yourself, use this website to test some ideas about boundaries. What would you do to defend those boundaries? And, begin an exit strategy just in case leaving is the only thing that will help you get healthy.

The first boundary could address that which hurts the most - how you are spoken to. Remember, boundaries aren't rules, they're boundaries.

A rule: Stop talking to me like that or I'll leave you.
A boundary: I respect myself enough to refuse anyone to speak to me with disrespect. I will take whatever measures are necessary to distance myself from anyone who speaks to me with disrespect. I will not return until I feel safe that the person will speak to me with respect.

*** Always make your consequence for a boundary violation something you CAN and WILL do each and every time. Like training a puppy, you must be absolutely consistent. No variation or you confuse the puppy. ***

Imagine stating your boundary for the first time - knees shaking, heart thumping, just SURE the world will stop because you stood up for yourself! And, then, when the disrespectful criticism of your boundary comes and you pivot on your heels with keys already in hand (because you KNEW he'd do that), snatch up your purse and leave the house! And stay gone! For an hour! Without responding to the 10 zillion texts blowing up your phone! And, after drawing out some cash from the ATM and filling up the gas tank, heading home.

But, you're heading home to gather some clothes to stay at a friend's house (or whatever works for you), because you KNOW as soon as you get in the house, he's going to start yelling, he's going to call names. The disrespect will be worse than ever. Firmly state the boundary again, get what you want before leaving and walk BACK out the door.

Because, at least this much is true: You do deserve to be spoken to with respect.

I don't know if this will work for you, but I can say that every time I thought the world would stop because I was going to stand up for myself - it didn't. Sure, I heard yelling, fussing, cussing, but my PD's are safe enough for me to do that. Only you know if yours are.

You don't have to forgive anyone anything. If you choose to, that's different. But you are under no.... catch this word... OBLIGATION to forgive. See, forgiveness can't work under obligation. If you choose to and if you decide that it is what you want, then you can forgive from an open heart. And you don't have to be around him or tell him you did forgive him. But, obligated forgiving is like obligated blood donation. It doesn't work. There will be damage. So, don't forgive him. You aren't ready, even if you wanted to. So, peace to your heart about that subject. Breathe. You're going to be ok.

[sorrygirl]

Thanks wife#2,

That is a lot to think about and to work on. For me it will be all baby steps...