Forging New Paths

[Blueberry]

When deciding on a new Journal, I looked back at old Journals as usual. From earlier this year https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15014.30 which was useful to read. But I also looked for "beneficial" and came up with 3 previous Journals of mine and read in one: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=8679.msg60768#msg60768  The following struck me particularly: Then it will be beneficial to do constructive activities that really help me move on. What these are will also vary, depending on whether i'm still stuck in an EF or already beginning to move out of it. There are some activities that are almost always beneficial and constructive to moving on: washing the dishes is one; conversing with my pets while I still had them was another. OK, good realisation. Keep in mind. But don't rush off to adopt more little furry creatures right now. Another one from spring to fall is going down into the garden and seeing what's growing. Smelling a nice scent. Moving my body, even if just stepping on the spot. I know it's good to go ahead and do one of these. If it doesn't work, try another. Don't give up.

Allow myself less beneficial activities e.g. playing Patience sometimes, but know that it's not such a mindful beneficial activity as say colouring (because the senses and creativity are not much involved). However, remember that blanket bans bring out a relatively young IC who is practised at self-destructive activities in the face of blanket bans from on high.

The second para is interesting. The first still hugely relevant.

So up to now I've had Beneficial and Constructive; Beneficial, Constructive and Mindful; Taking Those Beneficial Steps.
And now it's the Easiest, Most Beneficial and Constructive. Though up in the title line, I wrote 'concrete' instead of 'constructive' so I wonder what that's about?

When I'm sitting at the computer running my fingers through my hair and/or reading around on the news or any number of websites of which OOTS is by far the most beneficial for me, followed by photos of animals up to hijinks, followed by the month's best photos sent in by the public in one of my home countries, this is a sure sign that at least one Part of me needs something much different. This is a Journal to remind me of that, but also to point me in the direction of actually doing what that Part needs. Or at the very least doing something which is generally beneficial, which could be as simple as opening the window to let in sunshine and fresh air or looking out at the trees and really taking them in.

One beneficial activity I've been putting off for ages is to shower and wash my hair. I did actually shower a few days ago but didn't wash my hair. This may not be the easiest activity for me this evening, but it is time to go through with it. What are the benefits: I'll simply feel better afterwards, it'll be easier to go out of the house and go among other people knowing my hair isn't in an anti-social state, so I'll definitely notice things are EASIER afterwards and less exhausting, I'll get all warmed up in the shower since it's a little chilly this evening.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, sometimes less mindful activities such as playing Patience might be beneficial just to give your brain/mind a break for a while.  i've done it myself, like today.  playing computer games can relieve my mind, give it a chance to not think for a few hours, be involved in not thinking about the stuff that bothers me.

the other things you mentioned are beneficial in different ways, such as washing your hair and feeling better afterwards.  it's a chore i deal w/ 2x/week, same as showering.  just do what you can, what you want, when it feels best for you.  nothing wrong w/ that.  when you have the energy, the other things will fall into place.  you unconsciously know what's right at the moment. 

i don't mean to be encouraging you to not take care of yourself, whatever that might mean for you, just gently letting you know you're not alone and we do need to be kind to and gentle w/ ourselves as we go thru all this.  we do have c-ptsd, after all.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

You're right san    Thanks

And although I have been running my fingers through my hair tonight, it doesn't now seem to be because it's obvious that a particular Part needs to be doing something else. It's probably because of something I'm doing tomorrow that I'm a bit anxious about, but I can do more or less of that, as seems fit.

I have now washed my hair. And it was OK. But it hasn't stopped me running my fingers through my hair or suddenly made everything easy, so that's how I realise you're right, san. Yeah, we do have cptsd don't we? Wish we didn't, but we do. And unfortunately that makes a big difference, your T was right.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate your reflection and reasoning for choosing the name of this journal. 

What it reminded me of is how I keep hoping there is that "one thing" out there that will fall into place or that has been hidden in me that will resolve all the challenges I face. 

I recently read a post on social media from an Autistic group that talked about nurturing one's nature (in this case autistic nature) instead of "coping."  I was really drawn in by that idea.  I also wonder how we nurture CPTSD, show it care and see how that impacts our relationship with ourselves and with it.

[Blueberry]

What it reminded me of is how I keep hoping there is that "one thing" out there that will fall into place or that has been hidden in me that will resolve all the challenges I face. 

Oh I sure get that! It's one of my hopes too. The "one thing" through which I'll be healed instead of the plod-plod-plod of activities, thoughts etc that keep me afloat and/or help me come unstuck.

With the title I actually mean as a regular reminder to myself so that I come unstuck and/or keep activated since i tend to freeze and do round about zero when certain things are tough. The easiest thing now. One thing for ever - that would be 'nice' but I think we wouldn't need OOTS if it existed!

I recently read a post on social media from an Autistic group that talked about nurturing one's nature (in this case autistic nature) instead of "coping."  I was really drawn in by that idea.  I also wonder how we nurture CPTSD, show it care and see how that impacts our relationship with ourselves and with it.

That's an interesting idea. Maybe we nurture cptsd partially by accepting that we have it instead of trying to fight it?

_______________________

Some new thoughts last night / today: "beneficial" is something I often try and work towards and it fits because of its opposite - "self-destructive" which as been well-practised by me for decades. It would also work as a sub-title. A new title to honour changes irl could be Forging New Paths because that's what I'm striving for at the same time as realising that I often need to drop back to old, familiar ways for a while. I wrote quite a lot in my paper Journal yesterday about what those new paths could be. Partially the neural paths in trauma brain, partially physical paths in my new apartment which involve using the whole place instead of just select areas e.g. computer, bed. But then to also realise that - as happened this morning - trying to force myself to do new tasks or forge new paths when it is simply too early for at least one Part leads to a General Strike and I stay in bed / go back to bed / doze / do word puzzles. Then it's a mighty effort to lay word puzzles aside and GET UP as opposed to laying word puzzles aside and dozing off again or picking up a book I can lose myself in.

And although I think I shouldn't be on the computer too much (oh, there's that 'should' again) because it does kind of impede things like creativity or my simply getting involved with all 5 senses as in Beneficial for all Parts, otoh there are a number of activities on my To Do list which can certainly be done fairly efficiently via computer and telephone and these ought to be done by end of month, which is in just a few days. That will certainly help my Adult of Today feel good.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, sounds like you're looking at your situation from different perspectives now instead of remaining fixed in only one.  i see that as a sign of growth, moving forward.  my T once said this is a marathon, not a sprint, and it gave me a new perspective.  like rainy, i was hoping for that 'magic' piece that would click into place and have everything make sense, and bingo! no more problems. unfortunately, that's not the case w/ us, as you said.  i hope you can give yourself credit for the progress you've made.  i can see it even if you can't.

love and hugs 

[Blueberry]

blueberry, sounds like you're looking at your situation from different perspectives now instead of remaining fixed in only one.  i see that as a sign of growth, moving forward. 

Oh, it is a sign of growth, you're absolutely right about that. Today after occup. T, I took one of my garden chairs and sat outside in the sun which also gave me a different perspective on the house I'm now living in. As well as something else I don't really have the words for - like an animal marking its territory. Except I'm not saying this is mine, I'm just giving myself the chance to get acquainted with different parts of the property, so more saying I have a right to use the garden too or I have a right to sit in the sun too. Nobody has said I didn't except undoubtedly some old trauma stuff makes this hard.

Thanks for giving me credit for progress made. My occup. T does that too. I sort of get it cognitively but it's still not coming through in my feelings, but I guess it will when I can allow it.

I collected some of my bulbs from their temporary spot in another garden and planted them out in the new garden in a spot where I can sort of see them from my kitchen window, though they're kind of far away, but I do like to be able to see my own flowers from my windows. I also did some weeding in other parts of the garden since new LL suggested I might like to do some general garden work. Edible weeds are sprouting! I figured I'd do some harvesting, but that also removes them from the flower bed and keeps those weeds in check a bit Win-win.

It's a bit chilly today but nice and warm in the sun. I cycled to occup. T, which I almost always do. Today I was only 10 mins. late which is really good by my standards atm. I used to be a reliable person but in that kind of sense I'm not anymore. I just can't. Today I had a lunch invitation and I was punctual, but I didn't think I was going to be, it just happened by accident so to speak.

My student isn't coming tomorrow because he's ill. Now that I'm not absolutely desperate for money because FOO has finally stepped up, it comes as a relief. There's enough for me to do otherwise e.g. finally get on with laundry instead of tidying tomorrow morning. Before it was always kind of a pain when my students were ill, or when I was. I no longer have my students on a contract. There are downsides to that, particularly financial, but otherwise it's mostly a relief and less stressful for me.

[natureluvr]

Just wanted to say I really agree with your quote.  I hate the word "should" myself. 

What do you teach your students?  Nice that you planted your flowers where you can see them. 

[Blueberry]

I teach English as a Second Language.

Today I'm kind of back to doing zero. Oh well. Although I know some stuff is churning around below the surface in the process of settling.

[Blueberry]

I copied the following over from my March 27th post: And although I think I shouldn't be on the computer too much (oh, there's that 'should' again) because it does kind of impede things like creativity or my simply getting involved with all 5 senses as in Beneficial for all Parts, otoh there are a number of activities on my To Do list which can certainly be done fairly efficiently via computer and telephone and these ought to be done by end of month, which is in just a few days. That will certainly help my Adult of Today feel good. 

I did do a fair bunch of that stuff yesterday. That's good, it was necessary. But it doesn't make any part of me feel good.

I decided to change the title of this whole Journal for a number of reasons I'm not going into atm. The only things I will say is that all the different ideas for titles possibly reflect something opening in me, some creativity going on AND I'm pretty sure they reflect OSDD, which I'm coming back to accept, embrace maybe even.

"Coming back to" because w/o knowing the diagnosis but feeling the symptoms, I was onto this years ago in healing but then was firmly encouraged out of it in one inpatient place and this encouragement had a long-lasting effect on me. But the inpatient place last year said the report from the other place was self-contradictory, which helped me feel better about myself and my recovery path. By the end of my stay last year my T was able to give me the definitive diagnosis OSDD (Other Specified Dissociative Disorders). 

[Armee]

 

Having the right diagnosis can be really important. I've pushed back against this too, especially afraid to acknowledge it for fear it would get worse, more obvious. But I too have finally let go of that in the hopes instead it will help.

[Blueberry]

Armee, quite a number of years ago mine seemed to be getting worse, at least that's what that inpatient place said back then. They said that's why more and more inner children and inner teens were cropping up but since they weren't real (duh, I knew that) and I definitely didn't have what was then Multiple Personality D. (DID now I think), I needed to get back in my Adult and basically forget the Inners. They also said I needed to do things for me, like if I wanted to colour in, then I should admit to myself that my Adult of today wanted to do that and not an Inner Child. Some of the therapists' objections in that inpatient place did make sense, but otoh swung too far the other way. Sometimes it definitely is an Inner Child or Teen that crops up and pushing them away and/or ignoring them is not helpful.

I did get on with some stuff yesterday and today that needed getting on with. Some of it admin stuff on computer/phone and some of it more householdy stuff using gadgets. The latter very difficult, I was very tentative and slow with my hands, so no wonder I've been putting it off. The admin stuff is easier but I also discovered I filled some forms in wrong last week, a type of forms I fill in regularly. So I can admit to myself that I'm kind of all over the place and that at least has something to do with the move. Emotionally I haven't yet arrived where I'm living and I certainly haven't found my new paths within my new apartment and round about.

Nevertheless I have made some progress, done some hands-on stuff ie. starting some tentative new routes. Roots could come later. But for now just routes.

[Armee]

Routes are a great start. 

[Not Alone]

  For the steps that you've taken and for listening to yourself and being kind.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Notalone especially for pointing out I'm being kind. I hadn't actually noticed.

Today a thought popped into my mind seemingly out of the blue: I'm good the way I am!
I said so in occup. T and am still thinking so. 
That's big. Especially since I had the impulse in occup. T to say "despite xyz" but then didn't!

It's also a sign that a big new path is being forged in my brain and in my soul