It's been a while since I posted and a lot has happened. After my friend lost her little one,I spiraled with flashbacks and memory loops from when I lost a baby too. It wasn't pretty and I struggled to get out of bed each day.
Then on an up swing I got a new job in the ER as a Mental Health Tech. I started orientation the week before covid shut down happened lucky me. So I've been a front line worker through all of this at a children's hospital. Loving the job change, not the covid timing.
Being mom, teacher, and student, working and being isolated from my support people has been really rough.
Pulled put A's in my classes by the skin of my teeth. Not exactly sure how. Glad I have a break for the summer, and just have to figure out how to pay for the fall. :stars:
My kids are getting really stir crazy which is getting really hard for me to deal with, it's triggering me really bad right not, cause I'm not sleeping and I can feel myself losing my temper and I want to reach the way my NM did. I don't but I have to really fight the urge.
My heart and head continue to rage and war against each other. I'm ready for peace. But don't see it in sight.
Good to see you, Tee. The current situation is crazy, but well done on classes and for getting the new job. :hug:
Dear Tee,
Welcome back. It's good to see you again. I can see that you've been through a lot since you were last here. Well done for your new job, and your class results, and hope that you get some peace in your Summer break - although I know you've got a lot on your plate, and especially with the current situation - wishing you the best, and sending you a hug :hug:
Hope :)
Thank you Hope, and Snowdrop I appreciate the hugs and support. :hug:
Welcome back! Thank you for being on the front lines. And good job for getting A's, that's a lot of hard work and studying!
:heythere:
Glad to hear from you, Tee. :hug:
:wave: thanks notalone and 3R :hug:
Welcome back, Tee! I have been wondering how you were doing. :hug:
Thanks Bach.
There was a big thunderstorm that rolled through today. We have gone on a little vacation to visit my husbands family which has been a good way to my current loop. Which I'm thankful for. My kids have actually transitioned back to precovid baseline which is good.
Back to this storm As I sit watching this storm roll in I wished that rain could wash away the junk in my mind. The sheets were coming down and I just wished it could wash my brain. And that flash of lighting and clap of thunder could scare me not because of my past but rather the uncertainty of the future. One day, one day I hope that a storm will wash away My struggles. Until then my storms will come and go and I will weather them. Waiting for the one with the rainbow at the end. Thanks for the support.
Hi Tee,
I saw a rainbow tonight. I hope you find the rainbow you're seeking at the end, and I like your image of the rain washing away the junk in the mind. I think that would be amazing too, and I wish you some peace and I hope that your vacation goes well visiting your husband's family.
:hug:
Hope :)
Your words made me feel as though I was sitting watching the storm with you. :hug:
Thank you Hope and snowdrop.
*TW*
I've been struggling with memories from early in life. I have hit a wall we'rei feel like little me is struggling to understand why no one cared she was abused by the babysitter or my mom. It's hard to process how to move past the abuse that made me in visible, allowed for so much more abuse and hurt as I grew into my teen years.
Struggling to find a way out of the memory loop and processing sludge.
To Little Tee: I am sorry that no one paid attention when you were young. You are seen and I care about you.
No one cares about mme. :no: I'm invisible. :disappear: Only Tttee's T friend knows mme. I'm too little to to be around much, but thanks nnotalone.
Quote from: Tee on June 25, 2020, 12:27:02 AM
No one cares about mme. :no: I'm invisible. :disappear: Only Tttee's T friend knows mme. I'm too little to to be around much, but thanks nnotalone.
Sweet little one, I care about you. If it feels safe, I'd like to give you a gentle hug. :hug:
Little t, I care about you and am sending wishes that everything can be the best for you. It hurts me to know you have been so ignored and badly treated. I hope this little and very gentle :hug: will let you feel cared for as you deserve.
I hear you. I see you. I care about you. Don't be afraid! Here is a hug if you want it :hug: Have it now or come back when you need it!
:'( I I nnot sure I'm allowed to to be on here bbut thanks for the hugs they make mmme ccry :hug:
You are allowed and you are very welcome to be on here.
Do you have a stuffed animal or doll you can cuddle with?
I I have mmy dolly :'(
Hold your dolly close and remember that T cares about you, I care about you and others on here care about you too.
Ok 😊 thanks
Hello, little one. It's safe here, and you're allowed to be here. You're not invisible, and I care about you. I'm glad you have your dolly to hug, and here's an extra one from me if it's welcome. :hug:
Thanks everyone for showing kindness to Little. I'm not sure how she found this forum. She uses speech to text and is very young. She is about 3 or 4.
There's a lot back there that I'm starting to have to look at in order to help myself and Little it's hard. :'(
:hug:
I'm glad the little one found this forum.
Yes, it's hard. :hug:
Thanks notalone I'm not sure if I'm glad or not. At this point she's only been around my therapist and unlike previously I am unaware of what she does and am just learning or remembering the horrors we lived through and what she holds. :stars: I know it'sa lot and I'm not sure she will adhere to the rules here. :Idunno: At least so far she has been kind of shy.
She is reaching out and she is precious. I want to wrap my arms around her and read to her and sing with her. I am so sorry for her and for you that there are horrible things that she holds.
Quote from: notalone on June 26, 2020, 10:25:56 PM
She is reaching out and she is precious. I want to wrap my arms around her and read to her and sing with her. I am so sorry for her and for you that there are horrible things that she holds.
Exactly that. She is precious.
Hi again. Ttee ddidn't get mmad at mme being here so so I I guess it's ok. :Idunno: Ththank you for being so so nnice.
I had bbad ddreams last night they were scary. I I ddont like them mmmommy ppulls my arm and and makes it ppop while she screams and and tells mme how bbbad and Ststupid I I am. I I usually get lllots of spanks with the the bbbelt too. :'( :'( :'( :'(
But I I ttry to be ggood :sadno: it it just doesn't help.
Does anyone know how I I too not have bbad dreams no no more?
I'm glad you're here. Will you be my friend?
I'm sorry you had bad dreams, little one. They sound scary. You didn't deserve to be treated like that. You deserve to be treated with kindness because you're good and precious.
Would a hug help you feel better? :hug:
BBach I I don't have any ffriends I I guess you can be mmy ffriend if you want tto. :Idunno:
Snowdrop ththanks for the hug I I like hugs, but I I not gggood :no: I I bbad :disappear: :'(
I I try though :'( :Idunno:
I I don't want to go to to ssleep. I'm scared :aaauuugh: bbad things happen in mmmy dreams I I ddont know how to sstop it. :Idunno: mmmy friend T says to have my dolly or a key when I go to bed. Bbut I I lost the kkey I I had , and Ttee's kids and and husband were laughing that I I had a ddolly :'( so I I ddont know what to to ddo
I'm sorry you're so scared. I wonder if your friend T might have other ideas about how to make the bad dreams stop?
I know bad dreams are horrible, but please know that you're safe, and I care about you. :hug:
:hug: thanks snowdrop for the hugs
You're not alone with that little, I've also been laughed at when I carried around my stuffed bear. It's not a nice thing that my people do but I see that there is not really any malice in that so I don't really think back to it that much. I'm sorry you're feeling scared. I just hope you find comfort in your dolly. Wish I could wrap you with a gentle hug. :hug:
Sorry if this doesn't help much.
Hello little Tee,
I know how much it hurts to be laughed at when you're just trying to help yourself, like you with your dolly. I'm sorry they are doing that to you. :'( :hug:
Could it help you if you imagined a whole lot of us from here on OOTS standing with you while T's H and kids laugh? You might feel stronger that way and better protected? I have a big bear, about as tall as a 2 year old and some other smaller stuffed animals and I'm sure you and I aren't the only ones on here. :grouphug:
:hug: thank you blueberry and Marta. My T says they just don't understand that I'm little cause I'm in big Tees body so they see tees body carrying hugging a dolly and don't understand. :Idunno: She said to just tell them it helps me sleep better sometimes. I did and they stopped laughing but still look at me funny. Thanks for your kindness. :hug:
Little one, I'm sorry you are having bad dreams. I hate bad dreams. I wish I knew how to make bad dreams stop. I'm sorry that Tee's family laughed about your dolly. I think you T is probably right that they just don't understand. One of my Littles has a doll and they all share a teddy bear.
I'm wondering if your T could give you something small to hold to remind you that you are safe.
I lost my key that I was suppose to use to open the door and leave the bad dream☹️
Could Tee get you a replacement key?
:no: had to work today.
hey, tee,
haven't been able to keep up w/ what's going on w/ you, but have been thinking of you. just wanted to say hi, send you love and a hug full of support :hug:
:hug: thanks San i know you have been going through a lot. I appreciate your love and support. Big hugs back. :hug:
my d reminded me a couple weeks ago that when she was having bad dreams as a little girl, i took her outside, brought a jar with me. i opened the lid and told her to put all the bad dreams inside, then closed it right up and left it outside the house. for her, it helped. or possibly some kind of container that can be taken out to the trash immediately. maybe something like that would be helpful for you, too. that way you don't have to worry about losing anything, either.
i have bad dreams sometimes, too. they're awful. happily, they aren't as often as they used to be. i think working thru some of the issues has helped with that.
hang on tight - we've got you. love and hugs all around :hug:
:hug: thanks San :hug:
:hug:
:stars: well today Facebook reminded me of a post I put up 3 years ago. It's said " Not everything happens for a reason. Sometimes life just sucks."
Today my H and I left the house to go to the bank to change our accounts because e are going to pay off our mortgage on Friday. We then went to the store to pick up a few things before heading back home. As we were getting ready to pull out onto the road we hit from behind by a big truck. Our little cars trunk and bumper is totally screwed while his truck has no damage. My H and I then spent an hour in the ER to make sure there was no major medical damage even though we were sore and dizzy. It sucksAnd there isn't much to be done :pissed: my car May get totaled and I hurt.i wish life could just be easy for a little while. :no:
i wish so for you, too, tee. sometimes, it does just suck. sounds like this was one of those days. so very sorry for your car - i hope you and your hub are ok tomorrow, too. sending love and a hug filled with hope :hug:
Thanks San :hug:
Tee, I'm sorry to hear about the accident. That is distressing and exhausting even if you weren't physically injured. I hope that you can take some time to rest and recover. Sending love and good wishes :hug:
:hug: thank you Bach
So sorry to hear about the accident. An emotional, physical and financial blow.
It just sucks really sore today :'( thanks though notalone :hug:
I'm sorry about the accident, Tee. It can be a shock when something like that happens. I hope you feel less sore today. :hug:
I'm sorry about the accident too Tee :hug: :hug: I wish you a phase without anything bad happening.
So sorry to hear about your accident! :hug: if you're able to take baths, maybe a hot bath with Epsom salts would help take the soreness away?
:hug: thanks for the idea 3R. Doing a little better today.
:hug:
Dear Tee,
I am so sorry to hear about your accident. I think Three Roses suggestion of the Epsom salts bath is a lovely one, it is a relaxing thing to do and might help with soreness. Hope you recover ok.
:hug:
Hope :)
Thanks I'm going to like 3 times a week for a while my spine was way out of line. :Idunno: :hug:
:hug:
Thanks everyone for the hugs my back is starting to feel better a little. Still struggling a bit with it. :hug:
School is getting ready to start for my kids but note is all online :pissed: this is not good for my youngest. I have no one but my NM to watch her on days I'm working. I'm half wanting to just leave her with her brother but they are not quite old enough for that. :no: So I don't know what to do.😞🥺😢
I really don't want her with my M but I'm not sure I have another choice. :stars: ???
Hi Tee,
Glad that your back is starting to feel better a little. :hug:
Hope :)
:hug: thanks Hope it comes and goes we will see how things go as school starts in the next couple of weeks. :Idunno: :hug:
:hug:
Tee, how are you doing?
I have been really struggling with new parts and new memories. I haven't here much because I have been struggling with flipping between myself, and my 4 year old part. It's hard to make it through the day. Thanks for checking on me. :hug:
Hi Tee,
Sending you a gentle supportive hug, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
Thinking of you, Tee. Dealing with new parts and new memories can be difficult. I care about you, irrespective of how much you post here. :hug:
Thinking of you, Tee :hug:
:hug:
Tee, sending care to you, four year old Part and all Parts. :grouphug:
:hug: thanks everyone sorry I've been away is just been hard to breathe some days. :hug:
I've been thinking of you all too.
i get it, tee, the hard to breathe part. i'm just glad you're still doing so, even during this rough time. sending love and a hug filled with your favorite scented flowers - maybe they'll help you keep breathing, lift your spirits a bit. :hug:
I get hard to breathe too. Do what you can to bring comfort to yourself. On my worse days, laying on the floor with my bear, and being totally covered with a blanket, feels the safest. :grouphug:
:hug: thank you San and notalone. Your support means a lot. :hug:
Dear Tee,
I am sending you a hug, and thinking of you. I hope that you are able to breathe better, and I wish you the best. :hug:
Hope :)
Thank you Hope.
My life is still very stressful October is a hard month for me. I'm making it day by day. It's hard to write about me right now. :hug:
sometimes it's very much enough just to get from one day to the next. you're doing that, and i'm glad about it. :thumbup:
i hope october smooths out for you, dear tee. love and hugs :hug:
Tee, I about for you. :hug:
TW
I have been struggling a lot since Wednesday. Today is a trauma anniversary. Every year I'm paralyzed by there past. This year is so bad I can't push through and do my school work. :'( :aaauuugh: :stars: I look at and my head starts spinning and then it's flashbacks.
:doh: I feel so dumb. I'm not there he can't hurt me anymore. But my head replays it over and over till my body aches, and I can't function. :'( :'( I tried all day today to my school work and I just couldn't wrap my head around it. I feel like a failure because I can't overcome this crap.
You're not dumb, Tee, and you're not a failure. Your reaction to a trauma anniversary is completely understandable. I get it.
Is there anything you can do to bring comfort to yourself? Can I bring you a cup of tea or a soft blanket?
Sending you safe, gentle hugs. Here for you. :hug:
:hug: thank snowdroo
if you want some company, we don't have to talk if you don't want, i'll just sit by your side. maybe in a favorite place of yours until this passes. i echo snowdrop - you're not dumb, nor a failure. trauma anniversaries are extremely difficult to navigate. we've got you, tee. much love and hugs :grouphug:
Thanks San! :hug: :hug:
Still struggling it doesn't help that my T is on vacation. :'( But trying to survive. Turned in a paper not sure it will get a good grade but it won't be a zero.😏.
Haven't slept for five days more than an hour or two a night. Tomorrow I have my first day of clinicals for 8 hours and go directly to work from 7p to 7a so that should interesting. 😖☹️😭
I'm not sure how that will go as I'm still struggling so much. :'( :stars: :disappear:
Thanks for being with me.
Dear Tee,
I hope that you get through your first day of clinicals ok - that sounds like such a lot, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug :hug:
Well done for turning in that paper. Especially after struggling with your sleep for so long - I really hope you can get some more sleep. Another hug :hug: and wishes that you might sleep better tonight.
Hope :)
Thank you Hope,
I made through yesterday. The clinical was interesting. Then working 12 hour overnight shift. Being awake for over 24 hours actually made it so I was out of for a little bit today enough that I drooled on my pillow. I don't think of dinner that since I was a kid. :doh: Anyway I got some sleep today. Thanks for the hugs. :hug: :hug:
Glad you got some sleep Tee. :hug:
Hope :)
:grouphug:
still with you, tee, even if i haven't been around. you're in my heart, tho. love and hugs :hug:
TW
what is wrong with me
The scares to deep to see
Soul crushed before the age of four
Abused in everyway behind my door
What is wrong with me
Told I was bad and trash daily
A murder no good useless
At three how can I be faultless
What is wrong with me
My mommy only yells when she
Sees anything it's all my faults
Not the bad thing done by adults
What is wrong with me
Invisible to most I've learned to be
Except those who pretend to love
Those trick each time check pros above
What's wrong with me
Life hasn't been easy
From the start I've lost
My innocence faith hope all at what cost
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME
IS NOONE CARED TO SEE
THE BRUISES WHERE BRUSHED ASIDE
NO ASKED BECAUSE OF PRIDE
that's what's wrong with me
Invisible unable to see
Broken from the start
With too trusting a crushed heart
Dear Tee,
Sending you a safe and loving hug of protection and safety :hug: Whenever you've written 'what is wrong with me' my thoughts are 'there is NOTHING wrong with you' - you are precious and the bad things done by the adults, they were WRONG to do those things. They should have kept you safe and looked after you. Someone should have seen, and cared to see. Protect you, and look after you.
I hope you don't mind my reply to your poem. You've expressed so much, and I want to send you another hug. :hug:
Hope :) (I always like to put my smiley after my name, and I want to smile with you Tee, but I feel angry at the adults in your life, who should have cared about you, and seen you and protected you. I therefore hope you see my smile as a caring one. I see you. I care about you.
Tee, heartbreaking. I agree with Hope. There is nothing wrong with you. There was something wrong with the adults who should have protected you.
:hug: thank you Hope and notalone, I'm stuck in a pit trying to get out. Writing sometimes helps get the junk out of my head for a little while but right now more just keeps piling on. I feeling like I'm being burried alive. At times I can't breathe most of the time I can't sleep, not sure how I still put together a similence of functioning. The struggle to stay present and alive is real. Thanks for your kind words. And care it helps keep me going. :hug:
I'm in much the same place as you right now, Tee, but I'm here and I care and am sending hugs and good thoughts :hug:
:hug: thanks Bach I feel the same about you. :hug:
dear tee, i echo everyone who says there's nothing wrong with you - there is something definitely wrong with anyone who didn't protect you and care for and about you. i believe that as children, we, of course, trust with our whole hearts. we have to because the adults in our lives are supposed to keep us safe, and we have no other choice at that age but to trust with everything we have. that's not a fault of ours - it's a human characteristic. just like our emotions, trust is part of our dna when we're born. it's only thru neg. experiences that we need to learn not to trust as a child does. (sometimes that comes sooner for some than others).
i'm with you, my dear, sitting, giving you a shoulder to lean on if you need it. please, keep taking care of you - i care about you a lot. love and hugs :hug:
:hug: thanks San I care a lot about you too thanks for the kind words and support :hug:
Hi Tee,
I was just thinking of you, so thought I'd pop by and send you a hug :hug:
Hope :)
:hug: thanks hope that means a lot.
I've just been catching up with your journal, and I wanted to say that I agree with the others. There's nothing wrong with you. You should have been cherished and protected.
Sending you big hugs. :hug:
:hug: thanks snowdrop! Missed you! :hug:
with you, tee. love and hugs
Today has been rough. I've been struggling for a week.
TW
I'm trying not to feel the emotions attached to Little's stories. I can't yet acknowledge or let the barriers down to feel her emotions. I'm very upset and mad at the fact my NM hurt Little at such a young age as crawling and 2-3 that she has vivid memories of. That she didn't protect our see her from the others that abused her at 3, 4, and 6. At 6 she wanted to die, that was the first split.
I feel like a jerk cause I don't want to even feel the anger or her pain and sadness. :no:
End TW
Well then I find out that I may have been exposed to Covid at school. One of my classmates is now positive. We were both wearing masks, and I wasn't near her long. But it looks like I'm going to have to miss school for like 2 weeks. :doh: Which sucks cause that probably means missing my clinicals too. I'm just done fighting everything. I'm sure I've been exposed working in the ER to Covid multiple times way more than in class. But this is going to screw up my life. :disappear: ready to leave life for a while.
Tee, I am so sorry that you might have been exposed to covid and that it will mess up your school schedule. That is really stressful and frustrating.
Please be kind and gentle about experiencing Little's feelings. Feeling upset and mad at your NM are feelings of care and protection of Little. It is so much to hold. :hug:
Missed you too, Tee. I care about you. :hug:
You're absolutely not a jerk regarding Little. What comes across to me is that you've listened to Little, and that's why you feel upset and mad at NM. As Notalone said, it shows that you want to protect Little, and care about her.
I'm so sorry that you may have been exposed to covid. That sucks. I hope you stay well. Thinking of you. :hug:
dear tee, sometimes it's just too big to feel those emotions. you've acknowledged them and that's a great first step, to my mind. many times, i've had to whittle down chunks of what's come up for me cuz i couldn't deal with it all at once. you're doing just right for you. please, don't forget that, ok?
i hope you stay well. you sure don't need being sick on top of everything else. with you all the way. love and hugs filled with health and well-being. :hug:
:hug: thanks notalone. Snowdrop, and San. I'm trying to be patient with myself and allow myself to feel how I feel, but I don't like being angry or upset, was never allowed to really show any emotions growing up. Just plaster on a the porcelain mask with a small little smile and away I went. It's hard to acknowledge any truly allow myself to feel the full measure of any emotion at the moment I'm afraid I might break.
The Covid thing is really frustrating it looks like I will likely be out of school, but work doesn't consider it an exposure.🤦♀️ So not sure if I should tell my daughter's school or not.🤷♀️ And freak them out. :aaauuugh: I hate life right now.
Thanks for your love and support. I will continue to send mine. :hug:
Lots of love and hugs, Tee :hug: :grouphug: It's an overwhelming time but it won't be like this forever :hug: :grouphug:
:hug: thanks Bach
I hope you're staying well, Tee. :hug:
:hug:
Hi Tee,
I would like to send a hug to you and just wanted to say that I know you're experiencing a lot at the moment - and I hope you're able to find whatever will help you to cope. Most of all, I hope you stay safe and well. I care about you. :hug:
Hope :)
:hug: :grouphug: thanks everyone for the love and support. I still haven't gotten sick and plan to return to school on Wednesday next week. I feel like I'm drowning and out of place with what going on there though.
TW
My Little has recovered new horrible memories. From around 6. She is scared to sleep and struggles when she's out. Thank you to those the have sent her love.
My struggle lies with how to deal or feel about the memories. I'm not so sure how to cope with current life. Then I get my filled with pictures of horrors done to Little that make horror movies seems like Saturday morning cartoons. I'm not sure what do with that information. I'm not sure how to proceed how to process the information to make it fade and stop looping through my brain whether it me or Little. And my body feels the pain of it to remind me it was real. I hate that part for some reason my body always gives me physical reminders of the trauma too I guess so I can't lie to myself and say I made that part up. I'm struggling with what the next step is. I hurt physically, mentally I'm Frozen cause I can't break the walls down around Little cause she holds Soo much. So I feel like a failure there.
TW end
the struggle is real thanks for you love and support. Trying to make it through.
:grouphug: :hug:
T
I am so sorry that you are dealing with new memories. I can relate to so much of what you said: the horror, the looping, physical reminders. Have you told your therapist the memories? That usually slows down the looping in my mind. Doesn't make it go away, but lowers the intensity a bit and helps to not be alone with it.
My heart is full of compassion for Little 6 year old and for you, Tee. :hug:
(I will be checking my emails for your PM.)
dearest tee and little - how terrible to have all this piled up on you at once! i agree with notalone that perhaps being able to even talk a little bit with your t might be helpful. no pressure, tho. i've just found that sometimes simply talking about stuff running thru my head and body has a calming effect, and i'm able to push those memories out of their loop.
i've gone thru so much of what you're talking about, what with these memories interfering w/ functioning, sleep, thought processes - my heart goes out to you both. i'm glad you're hanging in - right beside you on that.
and, o so happy to hear you didn't get sick! :cheer:
slow, slow, slow while getting back to the school thing, ok? it's ok to be out of it for a bit until you get your legs back under you. this year has distorted so much, i find it difficult to stay balanced from day to day. sending love and hugs to you both! :hug: :hug:
:hug: thank you both I'm trying :hug:
I'm so sorry you're going through this, Tee. :hug:
I was thinking of Little, and whether anything that's helped me might be helpful to you. One thing I wondered is whether there might possibly be another part involved that's overwhelming you? One that's finding it hard to cope with Little's memories and emotions. When this has happened to me, I've had to help the part that's finding it hard to cope before I can help the part that's holding the trauma.
I don't know if this is relevant to you, so please ignore these thoughts if they're not helpful. I thought I should say them just in case.
Much love and support to you and Little, and I'm glad you haven't gotten sick. :hug: :hug:
:hug: thank you snowdrop I approach your thoughts. I'm not sure sure that I have other parts. I might who knows :Idunno: but as of now I have had two alternate personalities that I actually flip too. For the most part I re-integrated one of them so now I have hold all of her memories and she keeps me calmer and more level headed. So now as far as I know it's me and Little.
I'm not sure if that make sense or not and I'm sure I do have the IcR, and others like you wrote about. But Little actually comes out to play she talks to me T and depending on how upset I am when I flip ssomettimes I don't know what is said our what she does when I'm not around.
Thanks for the love and support I will try and see if there's anything I can find to help.
:hug:
That makes sense, Tee. I think you've done really well reintegrating the other one. :hug:
:hug: thanks snowdrop where her and I were flipping she was little Miss perfect and I was more of a hot head like Ying and yang. But I think I've gotten it figured out now. I'm really kind of scare to break down the walls between Little and I though I'm not sure when those start coming down I'll be able to function.
Just know that we're here and we've got you. :hug:
:hug: thanks snowdrop
i'm in on the 'we've got you' bit, too, dearest tee. we're not letting go. love and hugs all around :grouphug:
:hug: thanks San I appreciate it. But if I end up in locked up in a hospital I won't have you guys. Hoping I can go show enough that doesn't happen. :hug:
no matter where you are, we are there with you. right now i'm on the porch with you, and will always be there if you need it.
a few years ago, when i left mexico, i was riding in a car with 2 strangers, pulling all the possessions i could fit on their trailer behind us. i was distraught at having to leave my home, my husband, and the country that gave so much to me. before i left, i wrote here about how i was feeling about it all, and before i had to pack up my computer, several people from the forum told me they would be with me even as was being driven away from so much i loved.
we were in line for about 2 hours, and when we finally got within sight of the border crossing and the guard house, i imagined a group of people from here about 20 feet away, all walking along as the car inched slowly toward the actual border. there were about 15 of them, they doggedly walked along, keeping pace with the car. they stood there, their energy giving me the strength i needed to make this life-changing move after 16 years living there.
When we finally hit the guard house and the actual border, while the guard was checking around my stuff in the trailer, it was if all these people surrounded me, holding me up, reassuring me i wasn't alone. it was one of the most profound experiences of my life, and it happened because i was part of this forum.
i just want you to know, we will be there with you no matter where you are, where you go, whenever you need us. from experience, i know the words 'we've got you', when spoken by people here, is the truth. and, we've got you, too, tee. you are not alone. love and warmly embracing hugs to you. :grouphug:
:yeahthat:
Here for you no matter what. :bighug:
:hug: thanks
Sweet Tee, I am here for you, too. I struggle to speak but I am here listening and caring. :hug: :bighug:
Hi Tee, I know I don't post much on your journal, but I always have you in mind. I follow all your steps, and as everyone has said before, I'm also here, supporting you and listening to you (wherever you are). I'm sorry you're struggling so much. If I could take some of the pain off of you, I would, because I hear your pain. Sending you love and support, and a warm hug (if it's ok) :hug: .
Thanks everyone. :hug:
Thinking of you, Tee. Hope you're doing ok. :hug:
Me too :heythere: :hug: :hug:
I'm making it. Turned in my last paper of the semester today. Just have to study for my finals next week and I'll be done with another semester. :doh: I'm so done. Struggling. Having medical issues not sure what but all joints are hurting all the time. Trying to figure what's going on. :Idunno: :'( But I'm still alive. Thanks for checking on me. :hug:
Hi Tee,
Glad you've turned in your last paper of your semester :cheer: Sorry that your joints are hurting, and I hope that you are able to get some relief from that, so you can study for your finals, and I want to wish you lots of luck for that. :hug:
Hope :)
Blankets, a warm drink, and gentle hugs for Tee :hug:
Quote from: Tee on December 03, 2020, 02:33:45 AM
Turned in my last paper of the semester today. Just have to study for my finals next week and I'll be done with another semester.
:cheer: With everything you are carrying, what you accomplished is really amazing. :hug:
Sorry your joints are hurting. :'(
Tee, I wanted to join in and send you my hugs (if it's ok) :hug: Hooray for turning your last paper in! I know how much you've been dealing with, and achieving all of that deserves lots of pats on the back :cheer: Sending you lots of support, and hope you're doing ok (as much as you can) :hug:
:hug: thanks for everyone's support I finished my last final today for this semester. The only thing I have left is next semester's 40 hours a week of clinicals. Not sure my finishing grades for the semester but I'm pretty sure I'll pass. Thanks for all the love and support it has meant a lot this semester. Still struggling with my past, but moving forward into a new career. Sending love and hugs to all my friends. :hug: :grouphug:
Well done Tee! Hooray! :bighug:
Quote from: Tee on December 10, 2020, 12:17:41 AM
:hug: thanks for everyone's support I finished my last final today for this semester. The only thing I have left is next semester's 40 hours a week of clinicals. Not sure my finishing grades for the semester but I'm pretty sure I'll pass. Thanks for all the love and support it has meant a lot this semester. Still struggling with my past, but moving forward into a new career. Sending love and hugs to all my friends. :hug: :grouphug:
So brave! I am so proud of you. Go Tee! :cheer: :applause: :hug: :hug: :bighug:
Hi Tee,
I am happy to hear that you're pretty sure you'll pass - I think you deserve to, that's for sure! Sending you lots of hugs and also cheering for you :cheer: :hug:
Hope :)
:hug: thanks I'll let everyone know how I did when she finally posts grades. :doh: :hug:
I am so proud of you!
A hug for you, sweet Tee :hug:
:hug: thanks everyone. Why does it take over two weeks to pay scan tryin test results? And why can't the teacher of psychosocial semester not understand that PTSD is a disorder not an illness? I'm so upset. Because I tried to advocate for myself and she said maybe I need to take a semester off to "get well" before I tried to do my level 2 clinicals. I'm not going to be able to snap my fingers and get well. What heck lady. :pissed: :doh: I'm beside myself right now
hey, tee,
i think people see ptsd as belonging under the sub-heading of 'mental illness', and therefore file it away as an illness, to be getting well from. or, they're just ignorant. same goes for c-ptsd. too many professionals don't understand what goes on underneath that heading, and want to treat it the same way they treat ptsd. i have no idea how long we will continue to have to fight these battles and advocate for ourselves. to my mind, it's already been too long, yet the struggle continues.
this crapola is so frustrating! i don't blame you for being pissed. :pissed: i'm right beside you on that.
keep taking care of you as best you can, ok? much love and hugs, my dear. :hug:
:hug: thanks San and I just PTSD because I didn't want to try to explain c-ptsd. I don't know I probably actually have both technically. In any case she doesn't seem to think that accommodations are necessary, either that or I'm too sick to do my clinicals now, and now in between. :stars: :'( :pissed:
My T says I'll be ok and she will help get me ready. And my brain does a good job of splitting and compartmentalizing. But as I continue to go through my past crap to "heal". I feel my super power to be able to stuff everything down till I have time to deal with fading. So I'm not sure I'll be able to turn off my past and just focus on work. When working I'm too run down.
I'm not sure what's going to happen. :Idunno: :disappear: :no:
HI Tee,
I am glad that your T is supportive to you, and that she will help get you ready.
I feel annoyed with the other person, who doesn't seem to be able to comprehend that you could be enabled to carry on your studies with the right support - but I suspect it's because she doesn't really understand C-ptsd. Maybe if she had some information explaining it, she might be better able to understand it, and offer you support that is beneficial.
Sending you a hug of support :hug:
Hope :)
I'm glad you have a supportive T. Thinking of you, dear Tee. :hug:
whatever happens, t, you are not alone. we're here to support you as you go thru everything that comes your way. take care of yourself as best you can, ok? i'm glad your t will help you get ready. love and hugs :hug:
Sending love and good thoughts, Tee :hug: :hug: :hug: :bighug:
:hug: thanks Bach :hug:
Sending you warm thoughts, and wishing you a happy new year!
Struggling on a daily basis gets so exhausting! Why can't life just slow down and let me breathe. Why can't my littles stop finding new memories to haunt our dreams.
For the first time ever in my life I failed to hide my crap well enough to function. I totally forgot I had to work today and missed two hours of my Twelve hour shift. :disappear: I'm so low and tired of life and the struggle. :'(
Sorry to read you're so exhausted, and that your little ones are reminding you of old wounds all the time.
I don't know where you live, or if it is at all possible for you to get a sickleave for a few days to a week. To at least, perhaps, catch up on some sleep? Sending you some warm thoughts. 12 hour shifts seems inhumane to me.
Tee, you have so much going on. Even without your cptsd, the pressures of family, school and work would be a big stresser for most people. Add to that the Littles and memories. . . goodness, friend; that is sooo much. :hug:
Sceal I only work two 12 hour days a week for the emergency department at the hospital.
Notalone it is alot which is why I'm struggling so much. But one more semester I think I can do it.
Thanks for your support everyone!
Hi Tee,
One more semester, and I hear your positivity that you'll do it, that you can do it. I think you can too. I know you've been very tired and exhausted though, so I hope that you are ok. Sending you a hug of love and support. :hug:
Hope :)
:hug: thanks Hope just worried that I'm not going to make it. Went shopping today and about had a panic attack trying to check out. Is going to be a long semester. The crazy starts tomorrow. 3 twelve hour shifts then I start clinicals. 😳 Hoping it goes well. :Idunno: :stars: :hug:
i'm adding hope that it goes well, and faith in you that you'll do what you need to do to get thru this. always here with you, even if i'm not visible. love and hugs, sweet tee :hug:
:hug: thank you San that means a lot! Know I'm here for you too even if I'm not posting I'm thinking of you and send hugs and encouraging thoughts. :hug:
I thought I'd drop in and see how you're doing, Tee. Sending you a big, big hug, and a soft blanket to keep your littles safe and warm. :hug: :hug:
Tee, thinking of you and the giant load you are carrying. Sending lots of care to you. :grouphug:
Hi Tee,
I was thinking about you, and wanted to pop by with a hug :hug:
Hope :)
Tee, I know you are really busy with your clinicals. I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. :hug:
Thanks everyone for stopping in and checking on me. It been busy, stressful, and a struggle of a time. My first clinical placement is almost over which is kind of bitter Sweet I really like the location, the person over me is mean though and had unpredictable expectations which is really hard to deal with so glad to be done with her. Friday is my last day there and then I'll start at a new location Monday with kids.
TW**
I've learned more of my repressed story which has been really hard to deal with and I've actually fractured myself again to cause I can't function right now with everything that's going on and deal with that too. So yeah for disassociation. Why does life have to be so crazy? I'm so tired of everything right now. 9 more weeks till I'm done with school. Then I'm getting a puppy to train as a service dog. Looking forward to that. It means a lot to me that you guys are care and are checking on me. Sorry I can't be on here as much right now I just don't have the time or the ability to stay present long enough to do it. Big hugs to all know you all are in my thoughts. And I'm sending hugs to you. :hug: :hug: :hug: :grouphug:
Hi Tee,
Big hugs to you too :bighug:
Nice that you have your puppy to look forward to in 9 week's time, and good luck with your school placement in the coming weeks. Sorry to hear that your first placement has been stressful.
:hug: :hug:
Hope :)
I hear how hard it's been. Here's a big hug to help hold you together, and to say I care.
:bighug:
I hope the new location goes well, and the puppy sounds great! :hug:
Thanks for the hugs :grouphug:
Well I passed my first Clinical. :cheer:
It's over just realized with the abrupt ending it had I left somethings there so now I have to figure out how to retrieve them. :doh:
Looking forward to working with kids again. I've done that for years so I think I'll Rock this 8 weeks with a week vacation / spring break.
I can't wait to get my puppy. It should be born at the end of the month. I'm so excited I should be able to pick it up right about the time I'm done with school. I can't wait. ;D Thanks for the encouragement. I still need it. I'm thinking about you all and am sorry I don't have more to give here at the moment. :no: :Idunno: Big hugs to last a while. :bighug: :hug: love you all.
Well done, Tee! :cheer:
:bighug:
:bighug:
Well done! :cheer: I'm glad you have a week off. I'm excited for you that you're getting a puppy. Fun.
5 1/2 more weeks and I'll be done with school. I'm struggling with life, with clinical's which should be easy. I'm just done with the struggle. I'm not sure what do anymore I feel broken. Like nothing I do is good enough and I'm just going to fail at everything.😔😖 struggling to keep going but still trying.
Hi Tee,
I wanted to send you a supportive hug :hug:, if that's helpful at this time. I hear your struggles. 5 and a half weeks to go. I know you're still trying, and I think that's amazing - you are getting there (I hope it was ok to say that, but I felt it and wanted to say it). :hug:
Hope :)
:hug: thanks Hope :hug:
:hug:
:bighug:
Well I screwed up my clinical got kicked out. Now waiting to hear my fate. Lower than low. Life is crashing down around me. Can't eat, can't sleep. Can't move without searing pain in my head, wanting me to let it out some where else. Not sure my next steps. Just waiting to hear from the school. Needed my Friends.
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
Dear Tee,
Also sending you a big hug. Thinking of you. :bighug:
Hope :)
Thank you for the hugs.
Still not A hundred percent sure what going to happen with school for sure will not be finishing this semester because my mental health screwed that up. There are times I want to just scream and lock myself in closet for a month or two until the world stupid hating me. I hate having issues people don't understand and can't see. I'm now just waiting to hear how screwed my alert has made me. And I have no record recourse.😔😖😥😭
Spent yesterday in the hospital cause my doctor meet Little on accident So they sent me to the ER for psych eval which was very traumatic. And they let me go home. Because though my life is crumbling around me I still have my sweet kids that need me.
So as much as I would love to leave this world I can't give up yet they still need their mom. I'm just really tired. :'(
I hear you. Sending gentle :hug: :hug: and care and support
On here you're seen and understood as are your issues. I know we're not people in your RL but we are people :grouphug:
:hug: thank you blueberry
Oh Tee, I'm so, so sorry. :grouphug: :hug:
Aw Tee. I'm new here and haven't read through your journal but it sounds like you are just managing so so much! It is exhausting. It's ok. You'll get through this set back. Slowly slowly you'll heal more and more. Your kids will be so proud when they know everything youbebpulled through to be a great mom for them. (((((Hugs)))))) You all deserve to feel better. :grouphug:
Hi Tee,
I hope you're safely back home again now. Or wherever you are, I hope you're ok. Sending you a hug, and hoping that the staff at your school are able to be supportive - I wish there was someone there who could advocate for you and support you.
:hug:
Hope :)
Thank you for the hugs and support. My meeting will be Tuesday morning at 8 to find out how screwed I am over 45 minutes and the lie of coming in early. To cover leaving early. Life sucks I'm not sure what is going to happen. I feel so stupid for lying. If I would have just left I would not be in trouble. :doh:
I'm so dumb. My protector was trying to help and just screwed me over. :stars: :'(
Tee, wondering how it went today, if you want to share. :hug:
They brought up a bunch of stuff that had nothing to do with the actual issue that I was dismissed for. And then ended with they are still meeting to figure out what is going to happen because they feel it will be a liability for the school to put me back in a clinical. :blink: they said they would get back to me by the end of the week which they lied about. So where are thier ethics. Leaving me someone with mental health issues dangling. 😔 So still waiting to find out if I have to get a lawyer. :'(
Tee, sorry this is happening. Dragging it out makes it even more difficult. :hug:
Aw, Tee. This sounds so freaking painful. Just big emotional hugs to you out there.
Thanks
So never thought I would go running to a lawyer. But I also never really thought I would tell so discriminated and scrutinized that I would have to. :aaauuugh: :spooked: :disappear: Talking with an advocacy lawyer tomorrow to see what he says about whether or not he thinks I should pursue lehar action against my school and teachers for not giving me accommodations and trying to kick me out of my program five weeks before graduation. :Idunno: I feel so defeated and sick I don't really know what to do. :stars:
Hi Tee,
I would like to wish you the best for your meeting with the lawyer tomorrow. I really hope that they can advocate for you and support you. Please know that I'm behind you, and hoping that you get a supportive outcome. :grouphug:
Hope :)
Let us know how it goes Tee. This is heartbreaking. You have worked so incredibly hard while dealing with huge burdens. :grouphug:
Oh wow!!!!! That is so huge! Getting a lawyer! I'm so proud of you! That says you care about Tee and what is right and sticking up for yourself! That is just amazing. And yes, do let us know how it goes.
hey, tee,
sorry it's been so long. and, also very sorry to hear what's happening to you! how awful! i have a few choice words for those people who are doing this to you, but i can't use them here on the forum. just so you know, my heart is with you. hang tough, sweetie. we've got you. love and hugs :bighug:
:stars: so I am not sure what to do at this point. Part of me does want to go with the lawyer and sue the school because they should have accommodated me to begin with. :Idunno: :disappear:
Then again I did screw up and leave a dissociative part off me at my clinical to lie and cause problems. :doh:. which is what got me kicked out :disappear:
So finally had my meeting with them they gave me the same way back into another clinical as the other girl, which is a paper about what would happen if this would have happened as a practitioner, and then a 8 week independent study of ethics with the teacher that discriminated against me :spooked: then she'll give me another clinical site. And I'll graduate in December. ??? So I'm not sure what to do. :Idunno:
This whole thing just sounds really frustrating and overwhelming in terms of knowing what to do. It's probably not a bad idea to talk with a lawyer for advice since it may happen again and you may want to know your rights and have some legal support? I know I would probably take the easy path and not stand up for myself though so obviously no judgement if you choose to not get a lawyer. Sometimes we just can't take on one.more.thing.
It makes me sad to hear you blame yourself though for leaving a dissociated part behind. Be kind to yourselves. ((((Hugs))))
Hi Tee,
Firstly, sending you hugs of support, comfort and care from me to all of your parts :hug:
I found the option offered to you by your teachers (i.e. the 'paper about what would have happened as a practitioner') to be very interesting, because maybe it would be an opportunity to write some of the things that you've found out about feeling discriminated against - i.e. maybe it could be a platform to communicate some of your concerns about how parts of you ended up feeling. Acknowledging people's vulnerabilties/issues/concerns is important too. Surely practitioners should be able to do that, and they as organisers of an educational establishment should be able to listen and take things on board.
Sometimes when I want to decide between two options, I write the pros and cons of each and add up the scores to find out how I feel about something.
Whatever you decide to do, please know that I support your decision - it's your life, and you are important within it. :grouphug:
I wonder if there's another person within your educational system that you could approach to maybe talk through the options. Do they have any form of counsellor or is there a teacher you feel is more impartial and supportive of you, to just discuss options?
I hope you don't mind my saying all these things.
Whatever you do, I hope you are ok.
Hope :)
i think there are some good suggestions here, tee. i, too, will support whichever choice you make. maybe one, maybe more. i do think getting as much info from different sources can be helpful. i hope you can take care of yourself during all this. sending love and a hug filled with clarity. :hug:
Tee, that is a lot to consider. Whatever you decide, you have my support.
Thank you all for the love and support. As of now there is a lawyer looking into my case though I'm not sure how far I want to take it at this point I really do just want to graduate. I wrote the paper the way they wanted it without waves very triggering but it's done and turned in so there's that. I did advocate for myself to a professor I thought was more on my side and cared, by asking about doing the next step the 8 week course during the summer and to see if a different professor could supervise me as currently I'm unsure of my next steps forward with the discrimination case towards the one professor who the said would be the supervisor as I don't feel she has my best interest at heart. I only sent it to her and made it so she couldn't copy or share it. So now I have another meeting. :spooked: :disappear: :Idunno: :fallingbricks: I'm not sure why. I did say I was currently talking with a lawyer and had the formal complaint paper work for the school but wasn't sure of my next steps in that regard. That I really just want to graduate not cause problems for her.😖😔 So now I'm just done I don't know what to do I want trying to scare them or anything I was just trying to be honest. Why is honesty such a bad thing?
You don't have to take the lawyer thing any further than you want to. For now, maybe just let the lawyer know you want to understand what your rights are in these types of situations as it is possible they could arise again?
Ugh I'm sorry. Your poor littles. How are all the parts of you feeling right now about all this?
Hi Tee,
I think you did well to submit that paper, especially with all the stress that has been going on around the situation - and really good that you advocated for yourself in the way you did - I'm wondering if maybe the 'other meeting' is maybe because (hopefully) they have listened to you, and might be going to explain something further and might want to do it face to face because of the sensitivities of issues.
Are you able to have someone attend the meeting alongside you, who could advocate for you? Or maybe ask that different professor if he/she could attend it?
Honestly Tee, I admire you sharing things in an honest way, that is surely a good thing?
Sending you much care and supportive hugs :hug:
I agree with what Armadillo said - you have the option to proceed with the lawyer thing, but again, maybe the meeting will show some more avenues to consider.
Maybe taking a pad of paper to write some notes down, and seeking time to reflect and decide on anything - those would be helpful?
I know you're not asking for advice, and I'm not trying to give you any, but I wanted to say those things, as I thought of them, as I really hope you're able to see through your desire to graduate - you've worked so hard and deserve the credit of having done that. Really hope the outcome works out ok.
:grouphug: for all your parts, to those that want to have a hug.
Hope :)
Right now I feel dead inside. I'm not taking very good care of myself. It's hard to eat, sleep, or get out of bed most days. My little are scared and upset. One keeps self harming 😥 depression is hard to deal with on top of everything else. I appreciate the love and support here. Last night was the first time back with my classmates had a group presentation. Got a 100% on that, but it was stressful seeing everyone and having no one talk to me.😔
Hi Tee,
If I had been there last night, I would have talked to you. That must have been hard to experience that. I want to say Congratulations on getting 100% in your group presentation, that is really good.
I know you're struggling at the moment, and your little is scared and upset, and I wish there was something to help your little to feel safer.
I think depression is hard to deal with on top of everything else.
Sending you hugs of support, and caring - if they are ok for you right now :hug:
Hope :)
Hey,
Like, Hope, I wish I could have been there for you and your littles. And when it is safe to feel a bit that dead feeling inside might slowly clear. And maybe things like pride for getting through this, for getting 100%, for sticking with this even though it is hard ("hard" doesnt do it justice, does it?), and for standing up for yourself...maybe some of those positive feelings will slip through and warm you up a bit.
Congratulations on your presentation! Congratulations for doing the hard work of showing up even though hiding and disappearing probably would have been easier in the short term.
I'm proud of you, and happy for your accomplishments. They are hard-earned and deserved.
Thank you Hope and Armadillo it means a lot to have your support and encouragement. It is hard to face each day.
I still have my kids that need me and is hard to see them knowing that I can't give them what they need. My daughter is 8 and comes to me to love on me and try to help which makes feel like better and worse at the same time. She should have to worry about me.😔😥
I'm getting a puppy in a week in a half that's going to be a service dog for myself. I get to go see it next Friday. My counselor thinks it will be really good for me. I'm looking forward to it. But am also a little overwhelmed with the fact that I can't get out of bed and take care of myself and now I will have to take care of this puppy. But it will give me something to focus on beside my current circumstances and the the past trauma that caused the current circumstances. So I guess that's good.
Going on vacation in the weeks that should be interesting as well FL with my new puppy. 😜🙂 My husband is horrified.
Hey Tee. Take that love warmly from your daughter. The best thing for her is
1. That you get better, and hating on yourself will slow that was down.
2. That she feels like she has some control. So like if she hugs you and it seems to help even a little she'll probably feel good instead of powerless.
The hard thing for me about growing up with my mom's mental illnesses was that she was happy if I showed sadness about things and that no matter what I did it didn't change anything so I just felt helpless and scared. Love her, let her love you, and it will all be ok. :grouphug:
Doing the paper and communicating with the professor sound like really positive, good steps to me. I agree with Hope, that if it is possible to bring someone to the meeting, that could be helpful.
It is very understandable the you and your Littles are having such a hard time. Sending my care to all. :grouphug:
Thanks I'm trying to love on my kids as best I can. :hug: It's just hard. I'll just keep going the best I can thanks for your support.
Quote from: Tee on May 07, 2021, 06:40:24 PM
Thanks I'm trying to love on my kids as best I can. :hug: It's just hard. I'll just keep going the best I can thanks for your support.
That's all you need to do, Tee. Nothing more. I can tell right here. You LOVE your kids and they LOVE you. You don't need to be different or more.
tee,
sometimes my d is the only reason i take one more step. i get it. i hope your puppy helps - i know support animals have been so very precious to people who need an extra oooomph.
know that i'm with you, even if only virtually. may i make you a beverage, bring you a cozy blanket, and wrap you in warmth and comfort? i'd really like to be able to do that, but only if it feels good to you. sending much love and a hug filled with support :bighug:
Thanks for the support and love. Found a new puppy cause the breeder took the one I wanted for her stud fee.😥 But went and met and tested me puppy today she passed all tests with flying colors. So meet Kita I get to bring her home on the 17th. :yes: :cheer:.
I sent my classmates a message saying how proud I am of them and how much I have enjoyed getting to know them over the past 3 years. That I am happy for them and I will be graduating in the fall. Next Wednesday at 12 I have a meeting and then my last class is at 6. :disappear:
Then I'll just have to get my puppy and pack for my trip to Florida which that won't be stressful at all :aaauuugh: :spooked: :doh: well at least I'll have Kita with me so I can retreat with her if I need to. :yes: :hug:
Thanks again for the love and support I'll let you know how the meeting goes.
Tee, I'm proud of you and how you are handling this painful situation. Sending your classmates that message was beautiful. Congratulations on your puppy!
Thank you notalone some days I'm doing better than others. But I'm trying
Hi Tee,
I saw a TV programme that showed Florida, and it looks so beautiful. I hope that you will enjoy your holiday there, and that your puppy (KIta) has a lovely time alongside you there - hope that you are able to enjoy things, and that you have a safe journey there and back again.
A agree with Notalone that your message to your classmates was beautiful.
:grouphug:
Hope :)
:hug: thank you Hope I'm looking forward to it. I can't wait for one more week to pass. Then I will have my puppy in my arms and something new to focus on.🙂 :hug:
Finishing classes and getting a puppy and getting out of town! I hope despite the stress that that feels GREAT once you are on the road.
I too am so impressed that you were able to email your classmates such a sweet and thoughtful note and set a good example of how to be a kind human.
Wasn't sure I could say it in person so wanted to say it to them beforehand. :hug:
tee, i admire your perseverance. keep at it, and keep taking care of you as best you can. love and hugs :hug:
:hug: thanks for your support San.
Well finished class done for the summer. Signed up for the independent study next semester.😏 Get my puppy on Monday. Trying to eat but it just makes me feel sick so I'll keep working on that. Soon will have the puppy to focus on and then will be on vacation.🙂 :hug: thanks for the support from everyone sometimes I wish I could just forget the trauma my life. :yes: :Idunno: :fallingbricks: Unfortunately there's no undo button or delete.😥 Thanks again for the love and support. :hug:
you're so right, tee - there is no delete button. wish there was.
sounds like you have some nice things to look forward to, and i'm glad about that.
congrats on finishing the semester! well done! :cheer:
sending love and a hug filled with tenderness :hug:
Did you get the puppy and get off to Florida? Congrats on being done!!!
I get my puppy tomorrow morning and then we leave for Florida the next week. So it's all it getting close. I'm really excited about the puppy but I haven't gotten as much done around the house as I had hoped cause I've been so down😔 but I did clean both doggy creates so that's good. And I have a bunch of puppy stuff. I need to get a puppy basket for her toys and stuff. :cheer: Can't wait till tomorrow morning. Thanks for the encouragement sending love :hug:
yay! it's puppy day! enjoy enjoy enjoy!!! love and hugs :hug:
Hi Tee,
Hoping that you're enjoying time in Florida and time with your new puppy.
:hug:
Hope :)
:stars: getting to Florida was a little stressful but we did make it. Missed the first flight but they put us on one an hour later. Puppy did great for her five days at Disney. She needs a pin or something saying she survived 5 days at Disney but everyone thought she was so cute and wanted to pet her. :yes: :wave: She was hot and tired but did great. I'm doing ok it's been nice to get away. But unfortunately my birthday is a trigger and though we were here with other things going on the anniversary trigger of my birthday has snuck in as well. :aaauuugh: Trying to keep it at Bay but it is hard. Thanks for the thoughts and support. :grouphug: :hug:
:hug:
Hope that trigger melts away fast and let's you enjoy everything else.
Puppy!!!! :cheer:
dear tee, sounds like the puppy is adorable! so glad he did well. disney can certainly be a source of sensory overload for anyone.
sorry about the birthday trigger. as armadillo said, i also hope it melts away and causes you no further distress. love and hugs, my dear. :hug:
How are you doing, Tee?
Thinking about you, too, Tee.
:hug: thanks for the check ins I'm doing ok. Training is going well the puppy is getting bigger she is very smart and showing her string will. She is very bitey. Working on that. :doh: :Idunno: But she is also very sweet and is helping me get out of bed and do more. I'm doing an IOP which is going ok I guess it seems like a lot but the people seem nice and I'm trying to make the best of it. My T says it's part of showing I am trying to do more to "fix" myself so I'll be ready for the fall. It seems like a lot of bunk to me but I'm trying to keep an open mind. Have a good day hugs thanks for your support. :hug:
Good to hear from you, Tee. Glad you are enjoying your puppy.
TW---- mushroom cloud :blowup:
So I feel like I need to start lying... I kind of feel like I'm six again and my emotions don't matter I just need to be better. I'm going to the doctor today and she is going to ask me how I'm doing. I don't know what too freaking say. I feel like everything is exploding into a mushroom cloud and someone hit pause and now it's just there. To explode again and again and more anytime I'm not busy with something else or distracted by current life or depression.
How can real life continue on when the life of horror and trauma looms over me like a mushroom cloud waiting for the blow up bigger or the ash to fall and cover everything and suffocate or chocked out the light of the current.
Trying to figure out how to live and cope with DID and my life story. While trying to be "ok" so I can finish my schooling. Feeling father from "ok" than I've ever been. Lost in transition of trying to find ways to live without trying to hide who I am as a whole from beginning to now From the outside in. How to show where I am without displaying the scars of where I've been. But when the scars don't show but their the wounds are deep how do heal so the next step out the next breath you can take without the ashes choking you out?
((((((((Tee))))))))
Let us know it goes with the doctor. I don't know if she is trustworthy enough to be honest with. :(
But you're right, there's not a pretty bow to tie on your life right now. It's hard. You are struggling. You are trying. But you're in the middle of the fight and you don't know when it ends. You don't have a countdown clock.
I hope you can share a little of your emotions and truth though. Your emotions do matter and there's non quick fix to make the past go away and the present easier.
It's not fair. It isn't supposed to be so hard, Tee. But it is hard. There's nothing wrong with you that you just can't walk away and let the mushroom cloud fizzle into a magic sparkly rainbow.
I can't imagine Tee, what you are going through. But I know you deserve so much support by everyone around you. I know you matter, what you have been through matters, your feelings and struggles matter. :hug:
:hug: thanks armadillo for your kind words. I'm just tired of everything and trying to be ok for school on a time line when I've worked throughout this whole process. I'm just feeling very defeated and frustrated. :doh:
Quote from: Tee on July 03, 2021, 08:50:44 PM
How can real life continue on when the life of horror and trauma looms over me like a mushroom cloud waiting for the blow up bigger or the ash to fall and cover everything and suffocate or chocked out the light of the current.
Trying to figure out how to live and cope with DID and my life story. While trying to be "ok" so I can finish my schooling. Feeling father from "ok" than I've ever been. Lost in transition of trying to find ways to live without trying to hide who I am as a whole from beginning to now From the outside in. How to show where I am without displaying the scars of where I've been. But when the scars don't show but their the wounds are deep how do heal so the next step out the next breath you can take without the ashes choking you out?
Tee, I have been in that place where I'm covered and choking on the ashes of the past. It is so incredibly painful and feels impossible. Then add to that having to live current life and trying to be okay. . . it is an enormous burden. I wish I could reach out my hand to you and pull you out of those ashes. As much as possible, take one day, one moment at a time. Sorry that in is so, so hard right now.
:hug: thanks notalone I wish you could too. Thanks for the encouragement. Hope you are in a better place now.
Sending love and support to you, Tee. :hug:
Dear Tee,
I am sending you a hug :hug: I really hope that you are ok. Thinking of you.
Hope :)
Thanks Hope and snowdrop, I really appreciate it. :hug:
So I have my puppy who has finished her schooling and become a certified service dog. :applause: :cheer: Yeah her. But I was basically just told that she isn't allowed at my niece's wedding, so if I want to go she's can't, so I feel like I have to cut my arm of and leave it in the hotel or not go to the wedding. And I don't think they even understand that. :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :doh:.
I don't know maybe I am over reacting. I feel like my life is crashing in when I thought things were starting to look up. It seems so stupid. :fallingbricks:
Hi Tee! :wave:
That's wonderful your puppy has finished school and earned her certification; yay! :cheer:
I'm very upset to hear how unwelcome she is at the wedding! I can't understand people like that, nor do I want to. I'm sure you're right though, they don't understand how you're feeling. :hug:
My mind immediately starts jumping to ideas to "fix" the situation, which tells me that the situation is unacceptable to me. I've learned that I can't fix anyone else's problems though, we all have to do our best to work things out for ourselves.
I think your emotions are stronger than most people's; mine are too! To people with emotions which are less strong, I'm sure they would say you are overreacting. It's important to realize your feelings are different from theirs, and they don't have any right to judge you.
You were given an ultimatum. No one is going to feel good about that, especially when it is between two loved ones. I'm sorry that your family is treating you this way. I hope you find more positive and uplifting people in your life. :hug:
Whatever you choose to do about the wedding, I'm sure it will go fine. If you want, I can tell you what I'd do, but our lives are different, so it's important for you to make the best choice for your own life.
Tee - congrats on your doggo finishing the training and certification! That will be sooooo much help. I'm sorry your family member is being so unpleasant about it. Do they not understand what the training entails and they're worried it'll be disruptive? I hope it's ignorance and not just being mean. If you are in the USA, whatever facility the wedding is at can't refuse a certified service dog. Just FYI if they try that excuse. I wish you the best and wave from a distance to the doggie!
:pissed: so tried to have the bride call me instead her mom called me. I called her back and she basically told me she wasn't trained because she still nips, (well she's just barely 4 months and is teething) and then shamed me saying that if I can go to work for 12 hours then why can't I go to a half hour wedding with family with out a dog. I tried to say I take her to church and restaurants and pretty much everywhere with me and she doesn't bark and is fine. And by October she will be 4 months older and she has a job that she does for me. And she just coming back to she can be in the hotel just not at the hotel. And I tried to explain that she is trained to do something for me and she said no she's not. Then I lost it and started swearing at her and hung up I can't argue with ignorance. You wouldn't ask a diabetic to leave their insulin pump in the freaking hotel room. What the heck. :blowup:
Oh that's just :blowup:. She just doesn't get it, does she. :pissed:
Everything you said was perfectly reasonable. I think her mind was already made up, and there wasn't anything you could say to change it.
I think you did well contacting her and trying to get it sorted, and it's wonderful news that your puppy has graduated. :cheer:
Hugs to you, Tee. :grouphug:
:hug: Hi Tee. I'm sorry about the rude treatment and just really lack of understanding from family about the puppy and your symptoms. :grouphug:
hey, tee,
congrats on all the progress with your pup. and, i loved what you said about expecting a diabetic to leave their insulin behind. great analogy.
sorry i haven't been here lately. hopefully, the largest part of the nightmare i've been living thru is behind me, and i have some energy both for myself and others. you're always in my heart, tho, i hope you know that. sending love and a hug filled with doggy poo for those insensitive people you've been dealing with. :hug:
:hug: :grouphug: thanks everyone trying to decide what to do about the wedding. Can't go with the dog. So :stars: have to decide to go out not.
Visiting a friend in hometown where 90% of trauma took place. :aaauuugh: :doh: :disappear: Struggling to stay present. Here to help friend cause her husband died. :yes: :hug: But forgot to think about location and triggers. :doh: :disappear: :spooked: :doh:
Here now have been thinking for the last couple of weeks about reporting the abuse crap that took place when I was 15. There is no Statue of limitations so I can but I'm not sure. There's a lot to think about
:grouphug:
That's a lot. Supporting a grieving friend. Back around trauma triggers. Thinking about filing an abuse report. Trying to figure out whether to go to the wedding.
Not that it is easy to figure out but someone wise tells me to do the kindest thing for Armee when making decisions. Sometimes what that is isn't very obvious but it's a good guiding principal. And having to be respectful of where I am at and how triggered I am and what the costs may be to my functioning. Perhaps if the wedding isn't too far away there's a compromise to go for just a short bit in a way that protects you from a lot of damage and sends the message that you are not able to do more without your supports. But if this will be used as "proof" later by these family members that you don't need your supports then I'd maybe be inclined to hold my ground.
Take whatever time you need to decide on reporting. That's a really tough decision to make and one with repercussions all around. It's courageous of you to even be thinking of doing that. :grouphug:
:hug: thanks Armee I appreciate your kind words and support.
i agree with armee all the way. supporting you no matter what you decide. taking care of you first is always important. sending love and a hug filled with what's best for you. :hug:
:hug: thanks San as always I appreciate your love and support. Will keep posting as I go through the week.😏🙂
:aaauuugh: :spooked: well I went to the police and reported my year long trauma. From when I was 15 and 16. I'm struggling to stay present now and am now not sure what will happen now. Scared that I will have to see him.
Wow! That is so big and important. That is a very very difficult thing to do. I wouldn't know I can only imagine how you are feeling right now. Please please please take extra good care of yourself and let us know: what do you most need to hear from us?
:Idunno: thank you Armee I'm not sure what I need. I'm just struggling currently with knowing what to do now. The detective said that they now have to track him down and since it was so long ago they have to get his side of things. So who knows what will come off it if anything. :Idunno: :spooked: :disappear:
Wow, Tee, that's huge! That's so courageous of you, particularly with everything else you have going on. Well done! :applause:
I hope you can be extra gentle with yourself after something like that. I'm here offering support, hugs, soft blankets, comforting drinks and anything else you need.
:bighug:
:hug: thank you snowdrop in trying. I'm mostly scared at this point that he has thought of me for years and now he will come after me. :stars: :doh: :aaauuugh: :spooked:
I understand the fear, Tee. When I think about doing just tiny things regarding any of my abusers, I get really scared and find it hard to function. What you have done is much bigger, so I think feeling scared is a normal reaction.
But Tee, please know that you're safe. It's in hand, you're safe, and we're all here for you.
Here is a big hug of safety, love and support.
:bighug:
Snowdrop said it quite well. This is what makes it such a courageous and selfless act for you to have reported.
Tee, it'll be normal for this to stir up a lot of symptoms. Present moment, present moment, present moment. Every minute, every second if you need: "Where am I?" "I am here _______" "Am I currently right this second safe?" "Yes, right now everything is ok and I am safe."
:hug: thank you both Armee and Snowdrop I know that right now I'm safe. But if they actually to after him. For the first time in many years he will think of me. I'm afraid he will look me up and then what if he comes after me or my family. :aaauuugh: :fallingbricks:
I'm just not sure what possessed me when I walked into the police station.😔 :Idunno: :no:
Now it's out there and I'm not sure how to stop flipping and calm down enough to stop cycling through the horror he put me through. It's totally stressing my puppy out.😣😔😥
:hug:
This is just a thought, but is it worth telling the detective these fears? I can imagine how :aaauuugh: this is, and I wondered if the detective might be able to offer some reassurances. :Idunno:
:hug: thanks Snowdrop I don't want to bother him in pretty sure he doesn't want me bothering him a bunch on a case that's over twenty years old.😣😔😥
Tee, maybe the detective would love nothing more than to offer reassurance to someone who suffered and continues to suffers.
But if calling the detective feels too much, how about a domestic violence or sexual assault hotline. Anyone working those lines would know about the process and the feelings of reporting and may have some reassurance or tips for you. :hug:
Hi Tee,
I just wanted to say that I hope that you and your puppy are managing to cope today - I want to send you both a safe hug, if that's ok :hug:
I had a thought about the detective and that was that the detective is likely to want to help, and to support you. I would think that would be likely. But I do understand your fears about everything you've expressed.
Hope :)
:fallingbricks: so made it home last night called the police at home today and the city police basically said there's nothing they can do if he shows up then call. Got to love City cops. :no: :Idunno:
💛
That's not exactly the response I hoped you'd get, but I think you did well to call them. :hug:
:disappear: USA City police suck.😔😣 If he makes it to my door step then it's too late to call 911 :aaauuugh:
But rationally I it would be more likely for him too run and hide than to come here. But fear from trauma is real. 😣😔😥
:hug:
:hug: thanks San
Hi Tee,
I agree with you that fear from trauma is real. I wish that the police had been more reassuring and helpful to you. I am sorry that they weren't. I hope you're ok, and I wanted to send you a hug of support :hug:
Hope :)
:hug: thanks Hope that means a lot. At this point as far as I know they haven't even contacted him yet. So I'm freaking out for no reason. I need to focus on getting through school. That's the next thing. It's was stupid of me to start another big stressor before this one was done. I need to stop being stupid. I have 16 weeks to graduate I need to focus on that not on the dumb stuff that screwed me up in the first place. :doh:
(((((Tee)))))) :hug:
You do know that what you did to report someone who abused you and did something criminal....that is not dumb. I know you know that. I know that what you did was hopeful and courageous, necessary, and super super scary. You did it anyway because it was the right thing to do, even with repercussions. You didn't have to do it though. You chose to do it because of who you are, and those are GOOD things, not dumb things.
Yes, the triggering and fear of that may make it very hard to move through your present life without hiccups, including school. That's ok. Do your best to stay here and present and live your life you fought hard to survive into.
I like what you said:
QuoteAt this point as far as I know they haven't even contacted him yet. So I'm freaking out for no reason.
Keep living right now as much as you can. Of course you will worry, panic, wonder why you reported, blame yourself. That's normal. But you are not to blame, you can get through 16 weeks of school, you can face this when it's time. You are brave. You are kind. You are capable. This is scary and you are doing it anyway. Be proud of yourself. You are doing something very very hard and you are going to get through it because you get through stuff.
Hi Tee,
I also agree with Armee, and I think what you did was very hopeful and courageous. I don't think it was stupid or dumb stuff, it was and is incredibly important.
Wishing you the best with getting through school. 16 weeks to graduate, you still have plenty of time, and I hope you have support and encouragement to achieve everything you wish to achieve, or which you want to do.
:hug:
Hope :)
:hug: thanks Armee and Hope. The 16 weeks may prove harder than it should be. The stupid professor seems to think she doesn't have to follow the accommodations that by law I need for my PTSD. :fallingbricks: I asked for clarification on the time frame of the second 8 weeks which is when I should be in clinicals and she responded she doesn't have a placement yet and probably won't be able to get me anything but a nursing home. Which I can't do because of triggers. :doh: She hates me and wants me to fail!
i agree with armee and hope about the reporting. very brave and courageous of you. :yes:
one foot in front of the other for school. you've got this! love and hugs :hug:
:hug: thanks San hope you are well sorry I don't have enough right now to read others journals. Know I'm thinking of you. And sending caring hugs. :hug:
Sending a wave and hug your way. :wave: :hug:
and right back atcha, my dear :wave:.
i agree, sounds like your professor is less than wonderful! to the max! geez, i hope things begin to go smoother for you. love and hugs, tee. i know you're with me, and i'm grateful for that. :hug:
Tee, in case you pop onto OOTS, I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. I hope you are well.
Not Alone