My wife doesnt get it. She knows I was abused and abandoned. I do not want to constantly remind her. I can not keep doing this , it is just too painful. I am lost and don't know if I can go on. She gets pissed if i can not be functional , maybe it is time
If this is an emergency, please find the appropriate emergency contact or hotline in your country.
I can really relate to having a spouse who cannot even imagine what I have been through, and also finds it very difficult when I cannot function. It can make it very difficult to establish equality in the relationship when one person both feels and is made to feel like their contribution is less. It is a horrible feeling that you are a burden on those around you.
I just want to tell you that what we go through to function is more than equal. There are many things that seem insignificant for others that may be moving mountains for you, and your efforts, no matter how succesful the outcomes are IS valid. As a survivor you ARE strong. You have made it so far.
When people are struggling with more outwardly visible illnesses they may get more support and understanding, but I, as well as many others, can relate to your daily struggle. It is very real.
It's important to try to have compassion for ourselves, and to try to parent ourselves in the way we never experienced.
You are more than C-PTSD, you are a complex person with needs and feelings, and you are worthy of having those needs met.
Sometimes people who I've known for ten years still need a reminder when I have an incident. To others C-PTSD is just something they can forget about, it's not constant like it often is for us. It's good to remind people about what you are going though even if it's nothing they can ever grasp. Your voice is important.
I hope the community here can help you to feel better. You're not alone in this.
Quote from: Bermuda on August 22, 2021, 06:32:36 AM
If this is an emergency, please find the appropriate emergency contact or hotline in your country.
:yeahthat:
From our Guidelines on suicide posts: "For the safety and well-being of all OOTS members, only posts that talk about suicide/self-harm in a very general sense will be permitted in this forum. Sadly there have been an increasingly number of posts about feeling suicidal/wanting to self-harm and
as much as members of OOTS may want to help, none of us are trained to do so. Posts which do talk about current intent directly or indirectly will be removed and the poster will be advised to
contact a professional ASAP."
Please read the following https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=5897.0
There is information and a number of links to professionals you can speak to or email.
Also from our Guidelines "
Don't wait though if your thoughts persist, reach out for professional help. Contact your physician or therapist, a local Emergency Room" or one of the organisations listed at the link above.
I'm a believer in emotional helplines for when we really, really need to talk. They're trained listeners and have tools and referal networks that can actually help. I used to have friends who worked on helplines. They were compassionate people. They helped a lot.
thank you, I am really trying to find a support group or at least someone to talk to. I am not sure about help lines, i am worried they might call police and baker act me.
I echo what others have written Larry. It's crucial that you get help in real life if you are considering suicide. You can also go to your local ER, normally you will be seen by a psych resident/doctor who can get you the help you need.
I'm afraid we don't allow posts about intent to commit suicide here because it's just so important to go and get help and because it's traumatizing for members. I do hope you'll reach out to a telephone help resource or your ER, they are trained and want to help.
We really do care and that's why were suggesting this :grouphug:
thank you !
If i call a hotline, will they call police and baker act me ?
I am scared and don't know what to do ?
going to the er
Hi Larry, I don't know of any hotline that does that. I am so sorry you re feeling as badly as you are right now. Really glad you've decided to reach out in real life. You are worth it and deserve to live a life where you are not in pain.
Please let us know how you're doing, we do care.
I am doing ok, went to the er, cried in the parking lot for 2 hours, went home exhausted. I have been working hard today trying to bury and supress my emotions and feelings. Things are usually better when I am numb.
Anyone here to talk? i really need a friend right now
What's going on Larry?
Sending you love and support. It's painful but you've got this. You CAN handle these emotions. You can feel them without hurting yourself or others. Give little 6/7 year old You a hug. It's not his fault his dad left. There's nothing wrong with Larry.
thank you, i feel better today, things got a little rough last night
Glad to hear that Larry :grouphug:
anyone here? i am so lonely and scared
i don't now why, probably f@@ing christmas, i can't sleep. scared to even try. what is wrong with me ?
:grouphug:
Larry I'm so sorry that this time of year is understandably so deeply triggering for you. I'm really proud of you for facing so much of it in its raw pain without numbing too much with alcohol. That'll help this slowly get easier in the future, along with the work you do in therapy. I'm sorry that your dad abandoned you and started a new life. That is so wrong and hurtful. It would hurt even an adult. But you were just a little kid and he was your dad. He was messed up to do that to you. You didn't deserve it. You deserved unconditional love and protection from your parent and he couldn't provide it. You've scraped together and given to yourself what you've needed enough to make it so far in life. YOU are amazing.
But as to your question: "what's wrong with me?" Trauma. What's happening to you is normal for people who have been traumatized. Nothing is wrong with you, except your nervous system is stuck responding to something in the past. That's not your fault or a matter of shoddy will power, you just haven't had the opportunity yet to retrain your nervous system to stay present and not whip you back to the past. It's a matter of learning what works for you and practicing it over and over and over. Once your nervous system is rewired to not react to the past as if it is a current threat this won't feel so terribly overwhelming.
It is possible. I've done it with very deep suicide fear and trauma. It took three years of very hard work.
thank you s much armee, i have been doing so good with drinking, until last night, i stayed up until 5 am and drank way too much. i don't want to do that anymore. i guess it is a new day. things look a little fuzzy this morning, i got about 4 hours of sleep. i am going to try to stay sober, alcohol seems to help not feel pain or emotions, i really want to find a better way
I understand. 4 hrs isn't enough but pretty good all things considered. It's a tricky balance. We need to feel the pain and emotions to heal but not so much at once that it overwhelms our ability to cope. But when we start this work there's no controlling the spigot. It's either off or fully on drowning us. Thats where alcohol or other forms of self harm come in. It'll get better and you'll find ways to slow down the surge without needing alcohol but it'll take time. Gentle with yourself while you learn to use other healthy tools.
;) i am so glad you are here, i really appreciate all of the support.
Nothing is wrong with you. You are responding to trauma. I hear that it is really hard right now. You are not alone.
thank you not alone, i hope you have a great day !
anyone here tongiht?
:wave:
I'm a bit late to the party. I'll be up for about 30 more minutes. Tough night? What's on your mind?
I can make you laugh, maybe. I was staying up late to make some banana bread but as I was putting the batter in the oven I accidentally knocked the pan against the oven and dropped it all over the oven where it dripped all through the racks, and out the cracks in the oven door. Lord it's such a mess and looks and feels like baby diarrhea but she amazing! 😁. I can't clean it all right now cause the oven is hot. The cockroaches are eating well tonight, I guess.
I'm here, Larry. Are you having a tough time?
anyone here tonight ?
I'm here but have probably missed you. What's weighing you down tonight?
i really don't know.....
anyone here tonight ?
:heythere:
Hi!
I don't know if it helps but I'm often knocked on my butt after a couple good days, or a good feeling etc. The blowback can be tough. I think we are all super familiar with the one step forward two steps back routine. Over time you might start to notice that your steps forward get bigger, and your steps backward get smaller, and you are making progress getting better. It is almost imperceptible until one day you realize how far you've come.
You did really good today I think! I'm sorry you feel especially bad right now and that things are hard with your wife. Its super hard to be vulnerable and tell anyone how much we struggle. I find it's helpful but I know it's so hard and I still take months to tell my husband anything.
anyone here tonight?
i am really scared and just need someone to talk too.... i'm sorry, i don't want to bother anyone,... i really need help.....
why is it so hard, i just want to be like everyine else, i jus want to be happy,... noone understands the pain, no one... they think i make * up. or i should just get over it. i can't do this anymore.... no one knows, no one cares, i really don't want to be like this,... i can't do this anymore
Hi Larry,
I hope you are sleeping peacefully by now.
I believe you. I don't think you are making stuff up. I think you are really really suffering and it is really hard. So hard.
Get some rest. The morning will be different.
Larry, on here we know, we care, we understand.
I know it's really hard to see when you're in the middle of really hard cptsd times, but things will get better.
Since you've been on the forum, I've seen a change in you and in what you write, I've seen you progressing. Baby steps count here.
i need help , i tried, i don't know how tog et help. i am so scared, ... i don't know what to do. i have tried to ask for help, no one hears me.
Hi Larry. We hear you. I guess the hard thing is...well I feel really helpless and it actually hurts to see you suffer. But we can't get you help only you can. I wonder if others in your life also feel so much pain watching you suffer and not being able to help?
Hi Larry,
I'm sorry you're going through so much right now. I think it's hard to navigate these feelings. Maybe it can be quite profound (and difficult to admit to yourself) that you do need that help in the first place and the drinking is not something you can manage on your own? I know you were upset when the T mentioned it before. I just want to say that there's no shame in admitting it. We're all just doing the best we can with what we have and everyone, everyone copes in different ways, or has coped in the past.
To me, normal is something that takes work and has to be learned. I've learned how to set boundaries and manage my feelings better, and it really sucks that I didn't get to learn that growing up, but I'm learning it now and I owe it to myself to not feel bad about that. There's a lot of grief that comes with it, for the life I never got to have, but I think working through it will help me have the life I do want to have. Even now I'm just learning that there's some really good resources out there on grief.
We do hear you and are listening.
dolly
I have been somewhat ok, but depression has been really bad. i try. i want to be positive. drinking has been better. but i still get so depressed i can't get out of bed some days. i have lost interest in the things i use to enjoy. i don't want to be negative, i really am trying to be like everyone else. i am lost.
i feel so alone, i am scared. i just need someone to talk too
how do i get reall time help, how can i find someone to talk to now. tomorrow might be too late. i really need help
Hi there...You're not alone. :grouphug:
What's going on?
Hi Larry. Go to the emergency room and while you wait call or text a crisis line ok?
i am afraid they will call the police, i don't know what to do. i just get so depressed sometimes. i am trying ,
If you are in the US here is info for crisis call or text lines:
https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/988
Kizzie also has a list of resources in this page on the forum "read this before you post here"
Please do get help. It is urgent and you do matter. I want you to be here tomorrow OK?
It's OK if they call the police. This may be what you need to get help. Whatever is happening you can get help. Help is available. You deserve to be helped.
i called a taxi to take me. i'm sorry.... i feel like i have let everyone down
Larry if you are getting help that is the very opposite of letting anyone down. I wish i could give you a big hug. It takes so much courage to seek help. I'm so proud of you.
I hope you get help Larry, that's what the ER and other resources are for. It sounds like you need some professional help right now so please reach out. We're here but we can't do much other than let you know we care, support you and suggest you find help in real life.
You are worth it Larry, we all are.
Hi Larry,
I hope you're doing better. Here's a list of online AA resources for groups meeting via Zoom.
https://aa-intergroup.org/oiaa/resources/
dolly
anyone here? i really need someone to talk too
I'm here, Larry. I care. I hope you're ok.
Me too, Larry. Always happy to talk if you're struggling
I have been doing so good, i have not had a drink in 56 days, but today, i just want to drink until i don't feel anymore, why do some people treat me different, why am i treated as less of a person..
Larry, I'm sorry it's so hard. Hang on. You've been doing so well. One moment at a time.
:hug:
anyone here tonight?
:wave:
What's on your mind?
I'm listening Larry
:hug: if okay
I'm just feeling lonely and depressed, i don't have any friends to talk to, thank you both for being here.
i had a few drinks, i really don't want to do that. having some negative thoughts, i feel like i need to get numb, with alcohol or drugs, i just can not do this by myself
I'm happy to be here for you. You are important and matter. I wish you were not suffering tonight. Is there anything I can say in this moment that would feel soothing?
It's important to have support as you go through this, for sure. And some new coping skills too would be really helpful to have in your pocket. Because you can't just rip away the drinking and not replace it with new ways to handle the traumas. Is that maybe something that you could ask the therapist for help with on the 16th? Coping and soothing skills? :hug: We're with you.
hi armee, just being here means so much, thank you, i am trying, i just don't know what to do
:bighug:
it has been hard coping without drinking, maybe i can get a session before the 16th, i am trying to learn coping skills, it is amazing how you recognize these things, i don't know why i get like this, i am so thankfull for you both for being here
:wave:
Hi Larry,
I am here for you as well.
I don't know if you struggle with this but my inner critic is very strong and often tells me I'm worthless, not worth trying, no one loves me or even likes me. Self destruction then ensues. It is so hard for me to change the thought/behaviour patterns when I see no point.
I'm sorry moondance, I feel the same way, I hope you are ok
When I was first off work, on disability now, my thoughts just wouldn't stop. I was in serious crisis, in need of help. I was pretty isolated and continue to be but at the first I was so exhausted from all the thoughts. I did not connect with my current T til December and I'd been off work since May. Anyway, I did not know this but I was in so much turmoil, experiencing EF's like crazy. My body was not grounded, I was so tense I could not get a massage even if I could get there. Anyway all to say that the first thing she wanted to do was get me regulated as opposed to dysregulated.
Yes I'm okay - thank you for asking.
I'm probably just babbling - hope you don't mind.
I just don't know how to get regulated, I always run to alcohol, i have been so good, i went 57 days without a drink. I just don't know any other way right now. I just started therapy agin, only 2 sessions a month, i think i need more, and i missed my last session. i have a few good days, then i get totally lost
You did great Larry and are doing great by reaching out. Try to be kind and gentle with yourself. You matter Larry.
Say you had a 7 or 8 year old sitting in front of you, feeling/experiencing what you are experiencing. How would you treat that child, what would you say to that child?
i have no idea, i was an abused child, i don't feel like i could take care of a child, maybe i could, but i would be so afraid of doing the wrong things
The first step to regulate me, my T taught me is called polyvagal. If you google it, you can learn how to do it. Another tool T gave me is called "The container". T told me to find a place in my head to keep stuff in, stuff that I can deal with at a later time. T suggested this to me because I was overthinking, hypervigilant. T told me to put whatever I wanted in the "container". I often put overwhelming thoughts in the container, I also put feelings in my container. It helps me not be so overwhelmed.
thank you moondance, a previous T suggested the container thing, i need to try that again. i feel like i have drank enough to get throught the night. starting to not care about anything. maybe tomorrow will be better. thank you for being here
I think probably you would be supportive to that child in front you. You would most likely let the child know that they matter.
I hope you can learn to be gentle and kind to yourself because you do matter, your important. I guess they call that parenting yourself.
It's time for me to sign off for the night Larry.
I hope you can get some sleep and face a new day tomorrow.
:hug:
Please reach out for help when you need.
Quote from: Larry on May 09, 2023, 04:53:57 AM
i have no idea, i was an abused child, i don't feel like i could take care of a child, maybe i could, but i would be so afraid of doing the wrong things
Hi Larry,
I get this, I really do. It was the same for me for 'quite a while' and it even still is sometimes - 'no idea', my brain and heart are a complete blank. Or I'm frightened of doing, saying something wrong and hurting an Inner Ch. again and making everything worse.
One thing I did do which helped was read up on child development and modern methods of bringing up children so I have an idea.
Or for real basics: do you have a pet? or even a house plant? Talk to them in a friendly way. That gets your brain habituated to non-abusive thoughts and talk (which is often in a kind of loop in our heads).
Container exercise: I had step-by-step instructions in a book on setting up the container, but I didn't get anywhere with that. Instead a T taught me and actually had to help me access my creativity and powers of imagination. (All that had long since disappeared and/or most of it had never developed in the first place due to the nature of the emotional abuse I grew up under. At first my container was far away in some magic place only I have access too. Later on I also had a 'container' in a different T's cupboard.
I agree with those who say that first you have to get regulated and ime that doesn't take place in just one T session or even 5 sessions. It takes time. No point forging ahead with whatever methods when the foundation is missing. I had to be helped by successive Ts to NOT drift off into dark areas in my imagination. That might not be an issue for you - hope it's not - but if it is or if some other unknown thing 'gets in the way', it's
quite OK to need help setting up a container and then practising so you get there semi-automatically when in need.
Anyway, I have to get on with my afternoon. Take care, the best way you can. We can only do our best here, we with cptsd. We can't perform miracles in healing every day. (How I wish!) :hug:
:yeahthat: Blueberry! ;) :hug:
thank you all so much, now that i am sober and reading this, it is very helpful. I try to be good to myself, i don't know why the negative thoughts and depression take over sometimes. I had 3 drinks after work today, i didn't even want to drink, i felt terrible this morning, didn't get any sleep last night, and was a little hung over. feeling a little depressed now, but i'm going to try to get some sleep.
Have you tried watching comedy shows? It's something that works for me cause laughing helps me stay present. The depression and drinking are because you are essentially being pulled into the past. Stay present. Here. Now. Everything is ok. You are not being abused anymore. You are safe.
thank you armee ! ;)
anyone here tonight?
I really need help, i just can not do this by meself anymore. i don't have anyone to talk too, i feel like i just don't matter to most people, i don't know what to do.
:hug: yup. You're not alone
thank you armee, i just feel so alone, i don't know why i get such negtive feelings, i just feel like i don't deserve to be happy. i try so hard. but the feelings just will not go away
i'm going for a walk, i hope i am here tomorrow
I hope you are too Larry. I'd be heart broken if you weren't. Crisis line, hospital are both good options. They have their flaws but they can keep you here long enough to have a chance to feel better in the long run.
anyone here ? having a hard time tonight. i'm at home, i really need a drink but don't have anything here. i need something to calm down, really need a friend
:hug:
thank you armee, i'm feeling better this morning,
Sorry I saw this just now. Hope you are feeling better Larry.
thank you blue sky, i had a few bad days, but feeling better. thank you for being here ;)
i hate christmas, i hate most holidays, i try so hard to act normal i just want to be like everyone else i want to have friends and family i want to feel accepted i try so hard, what do i have to do to be like everyone else i called the hotline, they tried, but i just do not know how to continue
Unlike the past you have a network of support now. :hug:
;) thank you... I really need to control alcohol, seems like i only get that way is when i over drink
Larry, how are you feeling today?
Hi storyworld, I haven't logged on ina few weeks, thank you for checking on me. I am doing ok
Glad to hear you doing ok
thaank you bluesky ! still having some good and bad days, but i feel ok, really trying to focus on my health.
i am trying to stay positive, but i don't know how much more i can take. i feel like i have pushed everyone away. i feel isolated and alone, it is so hard watching people enjoy time with friends and family, i just want to feel normal. i am loosing hope
:hug:
Maybe you needed to push people away?
Anyway, we are here cheering you on thru the rough days and the better days. :grouphug:
I totally agree with Armee.
I'd also suggest that you maybe try not to worry too much about feeling "normal". I often say that to my therapist, about myself. She says that "normal" is very subjective. Our trauma reactions are totally normal based on what we have been through. Of course we do not want to keep having these reactions, especially if they are no longer necessary because our circumstances have changed. So of course we need to try to heal - but please don't beat yourself up for not doing/thinking/being like everyone else. That really would not be "normal" in your circumstances.
thank you armee and NK, ;)