I journal some with an actual pen and paper, but that can feel so lonely. Lately I've really gotten taken with the idea (inspired by Patrick Teahan's excellent YouTube channel (https://www.youtube.com/@patrickteahanlicswtherapy/featured)) of writing out dialogues between my inner child and my inner adult. It is really important, at least for me, to identify both the child and the adult as being "inner." In the past I have thought of myself as the adult and my inner child as a previous me. But that isn't the case at all. Both are truly me in the present. Anyway, I want to use this journal to write my dialogues. I am writing this here and not in a private paper journal or in a document on my computer because having readers a) helps remind me that all of this is real and not just some figment of my imagination and b) helps me feel safer because I am around others I trust.
A couple of bits of information that will help with context:
-I am male, straight, married to a woman, and have three young kids
-My abuser was my mother who has undiagnosed BPD.
-I was physically abused, sexually abused, and very VERY emotionally abused (the SA became covert incest when I got a bit older)
-My inner child is primarily 10 years old. I will specify when he is some other age.
Final caveat: all names and identifying details have been fictionalized.
Here is my inaugural dialogue:
* * *
Inner Child (IC): Oh no! We are going to get in SO MUCH trouble.
Inner Adult (IA): Hey buddy. Woah. What's going on?
IC: We made an inappropriate comment around some colleagues and now we are going to be fired!
IA: Gotcha. Wow, that does sound scary. Can you tell me more about it?
IC: We told a story about using the bathroom when we were a kid and Sarah made a disgusted face and said "TMI."
IA: Oh man, I am so sorry that happened. How did that make you feel?
IC: That story was inappropriate and Bill is going to fire us! I am sure HR is already processing a sexual harassment claim against us.
IA: That sounds super scary! Do you mind telling me how Sarah's reaction made you feel, though? I realize you are scared Bill will fire us or HR will discipline us, but do you mind if we talk about us for a second?
IC: What's the point? Everyone knows we are disgusting and gross. I feel like I am a gross excuse for a human being, that I am the kind of thing people wrinkle their nose at. Which is why HR would be justified in taking action or Bill would be justified in firing us.
IA: You are NOT disgusting! You are a beautiful and wonderful boy with a lot to share with others. I love you exactly as you are.
IC: Yeah right. Mom always says we are gross, that no one can love us but her.
IA: I understand that Mom told us that kind of thing, but I think Mom was wrong about that. Can I remind you of something? We married a wonderful, beautiful woman who delights in us. We have three wonderful kids who love spending time with us. They even fight over who gets to sit next to us! We have a fantastic father who is so, so proud of us. The only person who ever suggested we were gross was Mom. And we both know Mom has her problems.
IC: I know, I know. But did you see Sarah's face? She averted her eyes and grimaced and laughed a nervous little laugh while saying "TMI!"
IA: I know, I know. But what was Sarah reacting to?
IC: ME!!!
IA: But she didn't react that way until we told the story, right?
IC: I guess.
IA: And she didn't react that way once the moment had passed, right?
IC: Yeah.
IA: So what was she reacting to?
IC: The story I guess.
IA: I think so. She had a little reaction to a bit of potty humor. Lot's of people don't like potty humor. But that doesn't mean she is disgusted with you! And, to top it off, we don't even know if she was disgusted. She didn't say so.
IC: Then why does it feel like she is disgusted by me?
IA: I think it is because we learned to be disgusted with ourselves, to find ourselves loathsome. And we both know who taught us that!
IC: But what if she really was offended and goes to Bill or HR?
IA: Can we cross that bridge when we get there? Have you ever known Sarah to not address a problem with you directly if she had one? Have you ever known Bill to fire anyone for something so minor?
IC: No, I guess not. But you never know!
IA: True, we can't know for sure how other people feel, what they think, or how they will behave. But we can choose to live our lives consistent with what we know to be true about ourselves.
IC: I understand, but I really feel like texting Sarah to apologize!
IA: Are you trying to see if she is upset with you?
IC: YES! That way, I can know what to expect.
IA: If Sarah is upset with you and holds a grudge or bitterness toward you but refuses to address it with you, then that is a problem with her, not you. Is your conscience clear?
IC: Yes. I wasn't trying to do or say anything off color. I just was telling a story from our childhood.
IA: Right! Do you think you might be more circumspect in the future where Sarah is concerned?
IC: Of course! I don't want her to feel uncomfortable.
IA: Then, I see no reason to discuss the matter further with her or anyone else unless she reaches out. In the unlikely case that she is offended, then that is on her to bring up, not you.
IC: But I am still nervous!
IA: Of course! But now we have the opportunity to manage those nerves, to practice self-love and acceptance. I love you and our wife loves you and our kids love you and our father loves you! And God loves you too, just the way you are! HUG!!!!
OMG this is so good gcj07a - thank you for posting your inner adult and child.
I'm just starting to learn about parts and so this is so helpful for me
And I like and agree to both are adult and child are one in the present.
:yourock:
Beautiful!
Please see my original post for my caveats and background information. Important for this post: I teach high school students in my day job. This dialogue is with my 13 yr old inner child who is usually HIGHLY critical and exceptionally vigilant in an effort to protect us.
As above, all names and identifying details have been fictionalized.
***
Inner Child (IC): We are going to be accused of misusing school property!
Inner Adult (IA): Whoah! That sounds terrible. What makes you think so?
IC: Supervisor told us today that he saw some social media posts which we had filmed from our office.
IA: Gotcha. Is that all he said?
IC: No. He also told us that he didn't know if having our office as a background was a problem or not. So he suggested we talk to Principal to make sure.
IA: Ok. Did you talk to Principal?
IC: NO! THAT would be crazy.
IA: Why? Principal is a nice person who told us in our last one-on-one meeting that he wants us to apply for the promotion and thinks we are great.
IC: Well, he didn't know about our social media adventures did he?
IA: Umm. I don't know, actually. It isn't like we keep our social media accounts under a rock. They are publicly viewable on purpose, right?
IC: Oh yeah . . .
IA: We made them public in order to provide educational content, right? We want to help others out there.
IC: Yeah, but we violated school policy big time by filming posts from our office!
IA: Did we? Supervisor wasn't sure and suggested we check with Principal to find out.
IC: We CANNOT let Principal find out. He will fire us.
IA: Well, he actually can't fire us. There is a board for that, though he can recommend our firing. But more importantly, do you think Supervisor would recommend we consult Principal if our actions merited firing? Wouldn't he report us to Principal and HR?
IC: Maybe. But Supervisor is a nice person and probably wants us to take action to eliminate the threat. This is probably a subtle warning from Supervisor to clean up our act!
IA: That seems very convoluted to me. What makes you think Supervisor would communicate in such a roundabout way?
IC: Because he knows he can't say something obvious without also reporting it, so he wants us to get the hint so he doesn't have to report it.
IA: Gotcha. Is this how Supervisor normally behaves? Does he usually beat around the bush or otherwise speak in code?
IC: Not usually. But if ever there was a time, this would be it!
IA: Why? Does he usually cover for teachers who commit firing offenses?
IC: Um. No. He was the one who reported Bad Person several years ago.
IA: Exactly! So, maybe he actually thinks you should consult with Principal in order to get guidance.
IC: Ok. Maybe that is true. But I suspect he doesn't actually know the policy then. Principal will definitely have us fired if he finds out.
IA: So which policy have we broken? Did you consult the Employee Manual?
IC: Well, I have looked at last year's manual, but this year's manual hasn't been released yet.
IA: What does last year's manual say about school property appearing in Social Media posts?
IC: It doesn't say anything directly.
IA: Gotcha. So, maybe Supervisor does know the policy and is uncertain? And wants you to check with Principal so we can gain clarity?
IC: Maybe, but I am SURE this year's manual will make social media posts with school property in them a firing offense.
IA: Even if that is true, would we be fired for something we were unaware of? I mean, if it is in the new manual and we made the posts last year without knowledge of the new manual, will we be fired? That doesn't seem fair.
IC: I guess not.
IA: So, how should we figure out what to do?
IC: Delete our social media accounts and pray nothing was screenshotted!!
IA: But that won't give you clarity, will it?
IC: No, but if Principal knew, we would already be fired. But we aren't fired, so he must not know. If we delete our accounts now, then Principal will never know.
IA: That may be true. But I think you will lose out on a couple of important things that way.
IC: Like what?
IA: Well, you will lose the opportunity to work on a real relationship with Principal. If you don't seek clarity, you will always think of him as ready to fire us at a moment's notice. But if you take the risk and ask, we gain the opportunity to be guided and to grow in our relational skills.
IC: But that sounds scary!!
IA: It is scary! And you have done such a great job in the past protecting us from being hurt by Mom. But she was nuts and had no idea that there could be anything less than perfection. We have learned, haven't we, to accept "Good Enough" in a number of areas, right? Can you think of any?
IC: We have accepted (mostly) being a "good enough" Dad and a "good enough" husband and a "good enough friend."
IA: Right! Can we risk being a "good enough" employee?
IC: I don't know. Our paycheck is on the line.
IA: Sure, but you can't let the financial threat be used as blackmail. If Principal really would recommend we be fired for those social media posts, and the board went along with it, then we would need to RUN as far away as possible from that school. It would be a bad place for us anyway. Haven't we learned how important it is to actually value ourself? To accept in our employment only what we are actually worth? To insist on just treatment? To push back against bullies?
IC: Yes. YES! I think you're right? We can't let ourselves be dominated by bullies. Not anymore.
IA: Right. So either Principal is a bully (which I highly doubt) and we need to walk away, or he is a reasonable person who will provide us clarity, just like Supervisor suggested.
IC: Ok. Makes sense. One problem: I already deleted our Social Media accounts.
IA: I know. But you should still talk to Principal. Whether or not you ever post on social media again, we will still gain a lot from having an honest conversation about it with Principal.
IC: You aren't mad at me for rashly deleting those accounts?
IA: Not at all! I get it.
IC: But I still feel nervous about talking to Principal. Not because I genuinely think he will fire us, but because that kind of vulnerability is difficult for us.
IA: I know. And you certainly don't have to. I am NOT pressuring you. I get it. Take it slow. We can't make these changes all at once. I just don't want us to have to live in the existential dread.
IC: Makes sense! Thank you! I love you!
IA: I love you too buddy!
:grouphug:
I love reading these dialogues, gcj. I'm not this far at all in word-dialoguing with Inners and even figuring who is feeling what, but gives me something to aspire too maybe. Or just a smile of pleasure at somebody else - you! - being able to communicate like this from your adult Inner with younger Inners! ;D
Gcj07a,
I can so relate to the fear of being accused of things that will get me fired. It's absolutely a part and parcel of my C-PTSD. I was raised to be punished, or cast out of groups, for anything I said or did. Now, any time I put myself out there today, my inner child goes into a panic, and I expect to be severely punished or cast out, even if just for small comments.
I tend to walk the world gingerly, as if on eggshells, trying to be true to my own thoughts, but also being afraid of being cast out for having them.
I feel a great compassion for your childhood situation with your mom. She had no right to cross your boundaries how she did. While I can't imagine the severity of what you've been through, I can relate a little bit to how my mom made sure I was ashamed to be a boy. Her SA of me was mostly verbal, only mildly physical, but it was there. She made sure I knew that boys were gross, and I've lived in the shame of my gender ever since. She didn't allow me to become involved with girls. She and my older sister, routinely manipulated me into breaking up with any girl I ever showed interest in. At 22, when my wife and I were dating, we had no choice but to run off and elope because Mom and my sister were already starting to talk me into not liking my girlfriend. When we came back from our elopement, there was some real heck to pay with Mom and Sis. They were fuming mad that I'd married someone. I never understood that. They didn't want me to be gay, but they didn't want me to be with a woman either? What was that all about? But post nuptials, it was now too late to break up my relationship. They couldn't make me leave her now that she was my wife. That was 40 years ago, and I'm still married to her. Sadly though, I am still ashamed of being what my mom would call a disgusting, smelly, ugly man.
Also, I like how you post with these dialogues. It's a clever way to really share your inner thoughts. Very cool! Very easy as a reader to follow.
Thanks Papa!
I so relate to one of your comments:
Quote from: Papa Coco on September 03, 2023, 07:36:59 PMSadly though, I am still ashamed of being what my mom would call a disgusting, smelly, ugly man.
She regularly told me I was disgusting and nasty. A gross boy that no one in the world would love except her. She made sure I never dated in high school. I started dating my now wife when I was 21 in college. Mom feigned support and love, but she clearly saw my wife as a threat. She went out of her way to get alone time with me as an adult (usually calling me to come take care of her when my dad was travelling for business). She just wanted to keep her claws in me, to make sure I would never leave her. But being genuinely loved by my wife began my healing. And watching my M try to sink her claws into my kids woke me up to how horrible she is. As I began disconnecting, she turned extremely nasty toward my wife. That was the wrong decision. It was my love of my wife (and her love of me) and my desire to protect my kids that finally caused me to break off contact. But as I wrote here (https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15373.0), her voice is still with me.
Quote from: Papa Coco on September 03, 2023, 07:36:59 PMAlso, I like how you post with these dialogues. It's a clever way to really share your inner thoughts. Very cool! Very easy as a reader to follow.
Thanks! I have a creative writing bent and find this sort of thing easy and very helpful for myself. I am glad it can help you.
Gcj,
Your story touches my heart again. My wife's love for me is also the love that taught me that love could be a positive thing. Up until my wife proved to me that I could be unconditionally loved just for being me, I thought what my family called love was all there was. Conditional. Transactional. Binding. Manipulative. One-sided. They never had to forgive me, but I always had to forgive them. And any time I wanted to express myself, I'd find out later that I had hurt them and now I have to feel shame and guilt for being who I am.
It's good to read that another kindred soul has found good love in a spouse and did the right thing by putting distance between his current family and his Family Of Origin (FOO).
I like your creative writing bent. Another similarity between us. I have a love for writing realistic fiction. I think that recovery from Complex PTSD is enhanced when we express ourselves through an art. Any art. Many of us with CPTSD were quieted as kids. We were made to live trapped inside our pain without any way to ask anyone for help. In so many cases, we didn't know we were being abused, we only knew that we hated our lives and didn't really know why. (Hence the "Complex" in Complex PTSD. Our situations were not a car crash; they were a lifelong complexity we couldn't figure out. Our triggers are complex, and our reactions are complex) How could we possibly communicate that stress to anyone once our voices have been gaslighted to the point that we don't even know what the heck is happening to us?
Many of us were like those pictures people used to post on social media of people with black tape over their mouths—that was us. Today, expressing ourselves through an art is super releasing. The art says what we couldn't find words to say. It could be through poetry, painting, drawing, photography, music, dance, or anything expressive. Trying to just tell my story verbally is anxiety producing. I'm so sure I'm going to be scolded for telling what I'm feeling, that I end up scolding myself before I can even finish my story. But writing it as fiction allows me to say it all without having to sweat and shake and babble on incoherently.
Your use of the dialogue between adult you and inner child you is genius. A great way to cut through the confusion and just report the conversation. I really like how you did that.
I've written three fiction novels so far, and I don't care if they sell or not. Just having written them, and having put them out for the world to read if they so choose, has really, truly helped me release a ton of the bottled up emotion that I couldn't find any other way to release. As the author, not the character, I was able to see his life more clearly. I had to make the story make sense, so I had to research my character's situation from a neutral viewpoint. For me to write a fiction story about a boy who has endured what I endured, gave me the third-party perspective, which helped me to objectively assess and view my own life as if it was someone else, which helped me understand myself even more.
And since my story so closely mirrors my real-life story, I feel a sort of a healthy, vindictive joy that I've tattled on my family and bullies and posted it for the whole world to see. I don't see that as a bad thing. I feel vindicated, and released from their prison because I finally exposed them. Before I posted my books, their story was the truth. Now that I've exposed them for what really happened, MY story is now the truth. It feels empowering.
Another thing I can report is that I always wanted to write a book, but could never get past the writer's block. But on the very day that I finally made the absolute commitment to break all ties and go total NC with my own family, the writer's block vanished instantly. I don't know if I really wrote the books, or if the books wrote themselves using my fingers. It wasn't a choice for me. As soon as I felt free from my FOO, the books started gushing out of me. I recognize that as a release. My jailors were gone and my fear of being punished for telling the truth vaporized. At first, I'd planned to write under a fake name, but a year into it, I decided those mean people had taken enough from me. I felt it would feel painful again to use a fake name, because I really, truly wanted to be heard and I wanted to be heard for who I really am. The stories are in a fake town with a fake family and all fake names, but the author is me. ME. And it feels satisfying to be ME telling this story.
Whew. Sorry. I didn't mean to say this much. But...it's gushing out of me again.
Whatever you do with your creative writing, I hope it brings you much of the same empowerment, clarity and release.
Take care, my friend, and thank you for joining this forum. Your posts speak to me in many positive ways.
Thanks Papa!
I completely agree with what you have to say about art. I have written quite a bit of poetry with a couple of pieces published. I also am a self-taught figure artist. When I had my first C-PTS "break" (my F filed for divorce and things never before discussed were discussed) and I had to take a leave of absence from work because of my symptoms (including lots of SI and severe depression), my T recommended I try a creative outlet that was non-verbal. And man o man did it benefit me tremendously. In spite of everything, I am quite religious and have done a lot of religious art (in the form of graphite & charcoal renderings of famous icons) as well as more traditional figure art. Learning to draw the nude figure has aided tremendously in my ability to see the bodies of others as good and beautiful, and by extension to appreciate my own body, to be present in it instead of dissociating from it. One of the most difficult drawings I did was a self-portrait of me based on a childhood photograph. You can just see the pain and fear and helplessness in his eyes.
I love that you gained so much from writing your novels! That warms my heart. And I also love that your wife's love has been instrumental in your own healing. It wasn't until I met her that I realized love could be given and received without condition or transaction. I remember one of the times before we got married that we were making out on the couch in her house and she paused and asked me if I would be comfortable taking off my shirt. I had never got shirtless in front of a woman (and rarely a man) since I was little. It was too triggering. But I loved her and I wanted to be loved and I felt safe. I took off my shirt. And she took off hers and well, we anticipated our wedding night by a few months. That was the first sexual contact I had had since my M had molested me. And it was SO HEALING.
Thank you for the encouragement. And it is so great to "meet" you here on this forum.
You take care as well!
Here is my latest dialogue. T asked me to write this one. Same caveats as above apply. Right now, my ICr and my Manager (in IFS terms) are indistinguishable.
* * *
IA: You have been super loud lately. What's up?
ICr: What do you mean?
IA: I hate it when you play dumb. You've been torpedoing or attempting to torpedo most of my relationships.
ICr: Excuse me? [arms crossed; turned aside]
IA: [rubs forehead] Ok, ok. I'm sorry. I came in all accusatory. I am just so tired.
ICr: Then you should go to bed earlier, dimwit.
IA: [physiological sigh] Thank you. But seriously, are you ok?
ICr: [blinks in surprise] Wha, what do you mean?
IA: Well, you seem to be very scared. What are you afraid of?
ICr: I wouldn't say I'm afraid. I don't want to commit to that emotional disposition.
IA: Ok. But are you worried about anything? Anything on your mind? Are you preoccupied with anything?
ICr: [whispers] I don't want him [gestures toward sleeping young child] waking up.
IA: What sorts of things might wake him up?
ICr: Seriously? You don't know what things wake him up?
IA: To be honest, I haven't thought about him specifically all that much.
ICr: [clearly flabbergasted] But how? How do you go through life without thinking about him? He is literally ALL I think about. If he wakes up, then we are doomed.
IA: [shrugs shoulders] I just don't. I have lots of adult things to think about. Please tell me what sorts of things wake him up.
ICr: What wakes anyone up? Loud noises. Crying. Being touched without warning. Being spied on. Being criticized. Being challenged. You know, the basics.
IA: Umm. Ok. Those last three seem different from the first three. How would he know if he was being spied on, criticized, challenged, etc?
ICr: Whatever.
IA: That's a genuine question!
ICr: I DON'T KNOW! I just KNOW that he hates those things!
IA: Ok, ok. I get it. But, if he is asleep, would he know if those things are even happening?
ICr: You are missing the point! If I slip up somehow or don't pay attention, then he might wake up when one of those things is happening. And then ALL * will break out.
IA: So, how do you shield him from those things?
ICr: I make sure we are never put in a situation where he can be criticized, spied on, or challenged.
IA: So, what does that look like?
ICr: Well, it's what you called "being loud" earlier. I turn on the sirens just as soon as I suspect we might be criticized or are being spied on!
IA: What are the sirens?
ICr: Well, over the years, I developed a number of tactics, but the easiest one to flip on is the anxiety machine. I shoot our anxiety levels up when I think we might be about to enter a situation that might lead to us being criticized or spied on.
IA: Do you have some recent examples?
ICr: Oh sure! Remember when our wife wanted us to go to Costco? Remember how we would have to get our own membership card which would involve giving out our cell phone number, email address, and taking a picture for our membership card? Well, I know that has a high likelihood of us being spied on. No corporation needs that information!
IA: Right. Anything else?
ICr: Do you remember the anxiety spikes you experience when a student meets with you in your office?
IA: Yep.
ICr: [smiles smugly] That's me!
IA: But why?
ICr: Because I want you to STOP taking those meetings. If you don't meet with students in your office, then you can't be accused of anything unprofessional!
IA: But it is part of my job to meet with students, to advise them on a number of things. Principal explicitly said that was the reason for the fishbowl approach to our offices. The large windows make it so anyone nearby can see into the office.
ICr: Yeah, but they can't hear what you say!
IA: Which is why I follow our protocol and keep the door open anytime I am meeting with a student. I have been well-trained on safeguarding.
ICr: Doesn't matter. It is a risk. What if you say something you shouldn't? What if you get reported? What if you get fired? How is HE going to feel about that?
IA: [rubs temples] Enlighten me.
ICr: He is going to feel like HE has been rejected, that he is worthless and gross and deficient and like he should just jump off a bridge. I CANNOT handle him getting loose like that. No. No. No. Absolutely not.
IA: Ok. Suppose he does feel that way. What's the harm? He is deeply hurt? We both know that. What's the danger?
ICr: Because he could TAKE US OUT! Do you not remember the last time he really got loose?
IA: Can you explain it?
ICr: Yep! You, in your infinite wisdom, had decided the time was right to come off our meds. Those meds were absolutely essential to keeping him tame. So I made a bad deal with firefighter (FF). He said he would just replace the pills with booze. I figured if it knocked the kid out, then life would at least be tolerable. I didn't know what to do. But stuff got real that Saturday and FF went overboard. We got so drunk we blacked out while we were supposed to be caring for our kids. And I decided in that moment to protect us. We were done with FF's methods!
IA: Yeah, I remember. Thank you SO MUCH for making that decision. I actually really appreciate that you stepped up for us.
ICr: You're welcome! But I should not have had to do that and I am still upset about it! I had gotten to the point where I thought I could trust you, where I didn't have to constantly watch out, but you betrayed that with your experimentation with our meds!
IA: I am so, so sorry for that. To be fair, though, I don't think you are telling the whole truth.
ICr: What?!?!?
IA: Well, I think you were terrified that he would wake up when we got Mom's letter in the mail, so I think you attempted to beat him into submission. But your plan backfired because you sounded so much like her. You were the one who woke him up. At that point, you turned to FF for help. It is true that I was messing with our meds, but I had started titrating down months before all this began.
ICr: That might be true. All I know is I am now running a tight ship and do not plan to take chances.
IA: How have you felt with me overriding your decisions lately, leaning in to doing what I think is right regardless of how it may personally cost me?
ICr: I have absolutely HATED it. And I think I have made life difficult for you so that you have had to think twice.
IA: Remember when we first got the OCD diagnosis?
ICr: Yes.
IA: And you had no idea how OCD worked so you were constantly spiking our anxiety levels at the drop of a hat, at the barest intrusive thought that wasn't perfectly virtuous?
ICr: Yes
IA: Do you remember how T and I were able to convince you to work with us?
ICr: Yes.
IA: And how you became my staunch ally, acting like a conscience to push me toward doing what I actually needed to do to care for us? By the end, you were often the one suggesting that we pursue ERP, right?
ICr: Yes. So?
IA: Do you think you can trust this trauma therapy process too?
ICr: I have no idea. It seems dangerous and highly likely to wake him up.
IA: I think we need him to wake up. He is the one who needs the help.
ICr: NO! We are functioning JUST FINE!
IA: It doesn't seem like that to me. He needs professional help; he needs something you cannot provide him. And wouldn't his healing be better than your constant fight to keep him in bed?
ICr: . . .
IA: Well?
ICr: I . . . I don't know.
IA: Ok. Let's leave it there. But can we talk about it with T tomorrow?
ICr: I suppose . . .
IA: How gracious!!
ICr: [glares]
Wow. These dialogues are so engaging. It's a really powerful way of illustrating the internal push-pull.
The part where IA says he needs to wake up and ICr says we are functioning just fine really resonates with me.
If you turned this into an actual stage play I wonder when (or whether) audience members would realise all the characters are part of one person. I'm pretty sure trauma survivors would catch on.
Hi Gc,
That's great, looks like you really made some progress in getting to know your inner critic, what motivates him, and even become aware of the exile he's protecting :cheer:
gcj this is so good. My inner child and teenager haven't been able to voice much but it's so great reading this. Hope this inspires them to speak to me.
:grouphug:
Thanks everyone!
The dialogue proved to be a catalyst for a fantastic session with my T yesterday. We were able to get really deep into the pent-up rage felt by the exile.
Hey GCJ,
As I read through this today, I can see how profound and detailed your inner dialogues are. I can only imagine that them being so well observed must raise the potential of achieving breakthroughs and laying new neural pathways which will help your healing tremendously. It has really inspired me actually...
I too have a mother with BDP (feel free to hop over to my intro post to see if our circumstances align).
I want to ask you - how are you able to fluently note down which inner "parts" are speaking with you and precisely what they say? I really want to develop this practise.
Additionally, your Inner Adult is very compassionate. Has this always been the case, or has this developed with practise.
Within myself, I'm rarely able to dis-identify with the negative emotions and consequent thought patterns that crop up with even the smallest of triggers... I also rarely am able to articulate these emotions and feelings into words and sentences such as those you are able to within your inner dialogue.
As I said, your posts here have really provided me with a hope to develop this practise, and to develop a lot more self compassion.
I hope your healing journey is continuing to go well
Hey Bert,
A pleasure to meet you!
I am so sorry to hear about all you have been through. I resonate with your description of your M. If you know the classic BP "types," growing up, my M was mostly the queen with a strong dose of the witch. As I grew older and the physical and explicit sexual abuse stopped, the emotional abuse was heighted and came with a very toxic, insidious form of covert incest. She very much became most often the waif but sometimes the hermit (though the queen was always in the background).
As to your questions:
Quote from: Bert on September 24, 2023, 11:12:01 AMI want to ask you - how are you able to fluently note down which inner "parts" are speaking with you and precisely what they say? I really want to develop this practise.
Well, I have spent an extraordinary amount of time in therapy, meditation, and journaling. I received my C-PTSD diagnosis about four years ago and have been working ever since. These dialogues come at the end of a long process of work. I did not have this clarity at all when I first began. Also, I am a trained writer. While most of my writing is academic, I have been in creative writing workshops and have written creatively a lot. The trick, for me, is to treat the parts as characters in a drama. I don't think there are any actual parts in me--that is, I don't have alters like someone with DID would. Rather, my parts (and the whole IFS framework) is a creative way for me to imagine the tensions within myself. So, this is less of a recording of actual conversations between discreet entities and more a creative expression of the tension within my mind.
Quote from: Bert on September 24, 2023, 11:12:01 AMAdditionally, your Inner Adult is very compassionate. Has this always been the case, or has this developed with practise.
Absolutely not. He used to be merged with the Icr. Early on, I could not get any distance between my IA and my Icr. Thankfully, doing lots and lots and lots of EMDR cultivated that compassion within me for my IC. Also, and maybe more relevant, I am a father to three kids and those kids are the ages when the abuse was at its worst. Seeing how vulnerable and young they are has really increased the compassion I feel for the IC.
Quote from: Bert on September 24, 2023, 11:12:01 AMWithin myself, I'm rarely able to dis-identify with the negative emotions and consequent thought patterns that crop up with even the smallest of triggers... I also rarely am able to articulate these emotions and feelings into words and sentences such as those you are able to within your inner dialogue.
Right. I was right there with you for the longest time. Something that really helped me was reading the Stoic philosophers and then doing what they said, especially the Enchiridion of Epictetus. While I don't think CBT is all that useful for the treatment of C-PTSD itself, I do appreciate the practice of being able to create a critical distance between myself and my thoughts, to observe them as they pass by. I honed this skill when I was first being treated for my OCD (diagnosed about 7 years ago) and it has served me well since.
Anyhow, thanks Bert! I appreciate the comments and I also wish you well on your healing journal.
Here is a new dialogue comissioned by my Therapist. Enjoy.
Dramatis Personae:
Inner Adult (IA—this is the outward facing self, the one who makes the decisions, the *me* in everyday life; this is the teacher, the husband, the father. He is almost always in the present)
Inner Critic (Icr—this is the primary manager and probably my most active other part. He views his primary responsibility as keeping the exile from waking up. He does this by critiquing anything that might upset the exile in order to stop me from getting into situations where the exile might be subject to harm. The Icr ranges between 13-18 years old. He lives in a liminal space between the past and the present).
Inner Child (IC—this is the exile. He is approximately 9 years old. He is mostly asleep but with troubled dreams. When he wakes up he is terrified, alone, isolated, and extremely angry. He is the last of the inner children to not be integrated. In therapy a couple of years ago the IA rescued the infant, toddler, little, and teenage me, but this child refused to leave).
Firefighter (FF—this is the firefighter in traditional IFS terms. Historically his job is the job of an anesthesiologist; he is supposed to keep IC asleep. He does this through a soothing routine. His primary tools are food, prayer/meditation, isolation, massage, entertainment (podcasts, TV, YouTube, music, etc), sex (porn before I was married), and alcohol (I gave up drinking about 4 months ago after I blacked out while I was supposed to be caring for my children). He is the least defined in terms of age because he has grown along with me).
Philosopher (P—this part was a new discovery for me recently after Icr asked him for help. This part is my highly rationalistic, analytic side that is just highly skeptical. He isn't skeptical of people like the Icr, but just skeptical of claims about anything. He needs things to be clearly articulated and defended. He is pretty dispassionate and only comes to the surface when asked, which is mostly in the context of my daily work as a teacher. He came into existence in high school and has grown with me).
Artist (A—this part atrophied for a long time, but has come into his own in the last five years. He is highly creative and is a writer, an actor, and he draws (primarily the human figure). He also enjoys tinkering with home improvement projects but doesn't actually know what he is doing most of the time. He is consulted, often along with P, in the course of my daily work. He, along with P, has grown up with me).
Dialogue
IA: I have gathered you all in one place at one time to discuss what we must do going forward. As you all recall from our last session with T, we cannot maintain the status quo. Something must give.
Icr: Do you have a plan? Because I am NOT sure about this. What if he wakes up?
IA: I plan to wake him up when the time is right. He deserves to be part of any decision making process.
Icr: Absolutely not! I refuse to participate.
IA: Do you want a seat at the table? We need you. I need you. I need you to keep helping us live well.
Icr: [storms off]
IA: Ok. Anyone else object?
Icr: [from other room] I STILL OBJECT
IA: If you want to be part of the decision-making process, then please come back in here. Decisions are made by those who show up.
Icr: [slinks back in] Fine. But I object.
IA: Duly noted. Anyone else object to waking up IC?
FF: How will we put him back to sleep? It's one thing when he wakes up delirious and in a nasty dream. We can usually soothe him back to sleep with some snuggles, prayer, and a snack. But if we wake him up on purpose, aren't we risking a catastrophic meltdown?
IA: I hear you. Philosopher, what do you think?
P: Well, it is all risk vs reward, right? Why do you want to wake him up?
IA: Because he deserves a seat at the table. And I am persuaded after our last session with T that we won't get better until he gets better. And he isn't going to spontaneously recover by being sedated.
P: I guess the question is whether he can recover. I mean, he might be damaged beyond repair. In cases like this, it seems best to leave the patient sedated.
A: No one is damaged beyond repair. The world is full of surprising joys, of beautiful things made from the dust. You only have to look. If we are voting, I vote we wake the poor kid up. We might be surprised at what we find.
Icr: But the risk is enormous. Waking him up, especially if we can't control him, could be disastrous.
IA: You are right that things could go badly, but we don't seem to have much of a choice. Our current trajectory is untenable. If you have a workable alternative, please present it.
Icr: I . . . I—I don't!
IA: [gently] What is the risk we run if we don't get him help?
Icr: I don't know what you mean.
IA: You have the potential to become something like our conscience, pointing out when we have missed the mark and helping us to craft a plan to return to virtue. So what I mean is, is there anything morally concerning about leaving him sedated until we die?
Icr: Um. I—I guess leaving him sedated is not very respectful of him. It isn't how children should be treated.
IA: Ok. Anything else?
Icr: Help me out Philosopher–what is it that you are always quoting from St. Bernard of Clairvaux?
P: Oh yes, the four loves. The lowest love is the love of self for the sake of self. Essentially, I do whatever makes me happy. The second love is the love of others for the sake of self. Basically, I enter into a quid pro quo with another person. The third love is the love of others for the sake of others. This is when we sacrifice ourselves truly for the good of others. The fourth and highest love is the love of self for the sake of others. This is when we care enough about others to make sure we are at our best.
Icr: Thanks! So, basically, I guess the moral danger is spending so much of our energy on keeping the kid sedated that we are unable to be present with our own kids and wife and students and friends.
FF: I never thought of that. What could I be doing with myself if I wasn't spending all of this time on sedation duty?
A: And if the atmosphere around here wasn't so negative, I might be able to make more beautiful things.
IA: Wow! I love all the insights. So, are we agreed, do we wake him up? Let's take a vote. This needs to be unanimous. FF, how do you vote?
FF: I vote yes.
IA: A?
A: Yes.
IA: P?
P: Yes. I think your analysis of the situation is spot on.
IA: Icr?
Icr: I say yes. The worst that will happen is that we will go insane and then, if needed, we can get help in an in-patient unit.
IA: I doubt that will be necessary, but you are correct. Ok. Let's wake him up. Buddy, little one. Wake up. Can you hear me?
IC: [murmurs] Mommy? [crying] I want Mommy!
To be continued . . .