TRIGGERS for whole post
As I've already posted, sexual abuse in the family I grew up in had a lot to do with M's fascination with buttocks. (I choose a word hardly used in FOO, because words commonly used in my childhood trigger me). Anyway, other than M sticking her hands down children's (under)pants and all that, when she spanked (an action she seemed to take pleasure in), the sexualisation was palpable. Not just in her looks (which I also mentioned in previous post) but somehow by touch from her hand to my skin. So a reason to behave myself the way FOO and in particular M deemed appropriate was not just to avoid physical pain and humiliation, but to avoid this sexualised feeling. It has followed me to this day: fear of setting any kind of limits towards people in a position of power over me. Although I don't usually re-feel the sexualisation immediately any more, I do have all these other reactions like forgetting to breathe, throat tightening, going numb, skin all over my body itching etc.
All that just because I've just sent F a limit in an email, because of an email he sent a few days ago, implying that I'd hurt my M with my behaviour. I told my T this week what I was intending to send - just one sentence - and T OK'd it. A clear limit, he said. No JADE, I say.
OK, that 's enough for today. Now I need to go and push off walls and maybe move to some music to bring myself back from my semi-dissociated state.
Standing with you, Blueberry! :cheer:
Quote from: Three Roses on April 08, 2017, 02:59:48 PM
Standing with you, Blueberry! :cheer:
Me too :hug: :hug: :hug:
And me too - standing with you, Blueberry. :hug:
Thank you all very much! :hug:
It's really surprising, but I'm doing fine again! I didn't even mention this yesterday in T. It's good to reaffirm for myself that even an EF from this abuse can disappear within the space of a few days.
Yesterday we worked on another effect of this abuse and apart from feeling a bit irritable, a little bit dopey in my head (but only a little bit), and wanting to eat as well as procrastinate and not finish tasks, I'm doing well. That sounds like a big list of bad things, but not really by my standards. Especially because not the immediate physical symptoms.
One of my coping mechanisms as a child, which I had started by 8 years old at the latest, feels pretty addictive and very hard not to do when I'm triggered in a few particular ways, though I'm not always sure what these ways are. I'm not triggered and catapulted into this coping mechanism as often as I am into eating / denying myself food and healthy drinks (like water) and pulling out my hair, but when I'm there, wow, has it been hard to not eventually give way.
We have worked on it a bit in T, I think even via screen technique and cutting off the emotional connection between me and perpetrator, I mean I think that was the last topic in screen technique. So last time the impulse came to carry out this coping mechanism, I did what my T had suggested which was lay my hands on my stomach and try and feel from the point of view of NOW what the Inner Child(ren) feel. Self-hate was the answer. I was however able to refrain from doing the coping mechanism and also the impulse went away. It wasn't a case of white-knuckled abstinence. The only way of getting rid of the impulse used to be acting on it. This morning I had the impulse again, and again I put my hands on my stomach. I didn't get any answer as to what the Inner Child(ren) were feeling, it was just blank, but again the impulse disappeared. This is huge progress for me. So I'm giving myself :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
I'll give you some too :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
More dancing - I had an AHA! moment when you said dancing eases your dissociation.
Time for some 1970s Funk!
Slim
I just read through this thread, and I would like to also congratulate you ! That's wonderful and very exciting...
Quote from: Blueberry on May 25, 2017, 09:37:17 PM
One of my coping mechanisms as a child, which I had started by 8 years old at the latest, feels pretty addictive and very hard not to do when I'm triggered in a few particular ways...
We have worked on it a bit in T... so last time the impulse came to carry out this coping mechanism, I did what my T had suggested which was lay my hands on my stomach and try and feel from the point of view of NOW what the Inner Child(ren) feel. .. I was however able to refrain from doing the coping mechanism and also the impulse went away. ... This morning I had the impulse again, and again I put my hands on my stomach. I didn't get any answer as to what the Inner Child(ren) were feeling, it was just blank, but again the impulse disappeared.
Due to this suggestion of putting my hands on my stomach, I've started to make real physical contact between my hands and my stomach, almost like caressing my own skin. This is significant progress because I can't caress myself otherwise. More likely I scratch myself or pull my hair out and feel repulsed by my own body. I used particularly to feel repulsed by my own body fat and now my stomach is probably the fattest part of me and I'm enjoying the feeling of my hands running over it.
TRIGGER WARNING
The coping mechanism for the sexual abuse (mentioned at the top of the thread) was also hands-on physical contact but violent, unloving, had to hurt in order to provide enough release to allow me to stop doing it and to get rid of the trigger. It wasn't on my stomach either. Ts used to suggest I do it in a more loving way and then I might be able to accept it and myself better but I couldn't just change it that way. Something else obviously had to change. The place on my body, and other things that I'm not aware of, yet. The 'other things' because I know that my mindset is different, I'm not even triggered when contact between hands and stomach. In fact, I'm definitely grounded in the here and now.
There was some idea my M had which she did sort of express in my childhood about fat children or fat parts of body being free-for-all. Like, it was your own fault if you were touched because by being fat this part of your body was visible, just waiting to be touched. That was just an excuse of course, she touched children she didn't consider fat. Not that I was fat anyway then, but some body parts are by nature rounded. I kept them covered for years in baggy clothing.
You'd maybe think I'd be anorexic after all that. Well, I used to be, but now I've gone the other way, as sometimes happens. With feelings of: I'm entitled to exist physically, I'm entitled to be visible, I accept myself and my body, and (even) I enjoy the rolls of fat on my stomach.
Yes, I do realise having fat on your stomach to the extent I have it is exceedingly unhealthy BUT lots of what has been going on in my mind and soul for decades is pretty unhealthy too. People don't point to that (unless they themselves feel affected by it) but people don't seem to have so much problem about fat-shaming even if they are not going to be affected by it. So please no comments on this aspect.
It could even be that once I've fully acknowledged the steps I'm making accepting and caressing my body fat, I'll be able to let it go. At the moment it feels like a big and major breakthrough anyway.
Quote from: Blueberry on June 03, 2017, 09:01:51 PM
Yes, I do realise having fat on your stomach to the extent I have it is exceedingly unhealthy BUT lots of what has been going on in my mind and soul for decades is pretty unhealthy too. People don't point to that (unless they themselves feel affected by it) but people don't seem to have so much problem about fat-shaming even if they are not going to be affected by it. So please no comments on this aspect.
With 'no comments' I really meant no comments on unhealthy stomach fat! On all other aspects of my post I'm very open to comments.
In the past couple of days, I posted elsewhere on the sexual abuse done to me. It did help with processing a bit and also just with realisations. On the other hand, I suddenly felt kind of guilty for exposing FOO in public etc. (although they aren't going to read it). And as I'm capable of telling other people: it's not our guilt, it's not survivors' guilt, it's perpetrator's guilt!!! I was just feeling it for them as I was taught to do as a child. But I didn't feel it was an appropriate place to write on the other forum that this guilt was resurfacing.
On the other forum I can write more on sexual abuse for some reason, but here I get much more compassion. I'm 'heard' more here. So I want to find a better balance and not write too much without having witness to my pain / pain of little Blueberries. Here it's as if I have witnesses in all of you who just say things like: " Standing with you." It can be more, but it doesn't have to be, just that one little sentence is enough to show me I'm not on my own
again. I need to be more mindful for me. Becuase when I start feeling guilty towards members of FOO, the hard-won stability I have disintegrates fast. I need my stability to function more or less IRL and to continue to heal.
Quote from: Blueberry on May 25, 2017, 09:37:17 PM
One of my coping mechanisms as a child, which I had started by 8 years old at the latest, feels pretty addictive and very hard not to do when I'm triggered in a few particular ways, ..., but when I'm there, wow, has it been hard to not eventually give way.
Had the impulse again today and as I merely imagined putting my hands on my stomach for a split second, the impulse disappeared. :cheer: This is progress!
I last said to my T that I use my body fat to scare narcissists away. >:D
When the time is right, the weight will come of, that's my opinion..
So no worries there, Blueberry.
:hug:
Lingurine
Thanks Lingurine for the vote of confidence! I love your devil. :thumbup:
You are always so welcome Blueberry and keep writing about all the things that bother you :thumbup:
Lingurine
Quote from: Blueberry on May 25, 2017, 09:37:17 PM
One of my coping mechanisms as a child, which I had started by 8 years old at the latest, feels pretty addictive and very hard not to do when I'm triggered in a few particular ways,
I did it again the night before last. Now that I've read through this thread again, I remember:
put your hands on your stomach. But that idea was far away the other night, not even on my radar. I know I could have a symbol for it on my wall or a written note by my bed to remind me, but that could well trigger me too. It's an idea though. Since I'd stopped the coping mechanism I'd imagined it wouldn't come back but it did. Reminds me that somebody on here (Dee?) mentioned that it's not a question of
whether we go back to self-destructive or addictive behaviour but
when we do.
I've been reading around on here and commenting on other people's threads for quite a long time as in a couple of hours, putting off writing about this maybe? Wasn't even conscious in my mind. Yesterday I thought about writing it but didn't.
Quote from: Blueberry on September 15, 2017, 12:15:38 AM
Quote from: Blueberry on May 25, 2017, 09:37:17 PM
One of my coping mechanisms as a child, which I had started by 8 years old at the latest, feels pretty addictive and very hard not to do when I'm triggered in a few particular ways,
I did it again
last night in fact.
*** Severe TW! ***
The idea of putting hands on my stomach was very far away. It was more: I wanted to do this to myself.
And in my visualisation I'm the perpetrator to small children. I read a post over on OOTF on CSA and got triggered. It was trigger warned, so I could have decided not to read. In my visualisation I was doing what was done to them, which was similar to what was done to me.
IRL, I am not a danger to small children or anybody else in the least. Not at all. I used to feel frightened for small children that something might happen to them like when they were sitting on someone's knee (not on mine). Real live children are completely and utterly safe with me. I tried to warn my sibs about the menace in FOO but they didn't want to know.
Blueberry,
It's ok. You are safe. It's may 2018. I think a hug may be too much for you right now. I'm sitting with you.
Love,
Deep Blue
Thank you Deep Blue! A hug would be fine actually.
I'm safe, you're correct. It's interesting you said that because I didn't actually feel unsafe when I posted. My 'coping mechanism' gets rid of the primary trigger. I would only start feeling really antsy again if I were to go back in my head into explaining the coping mechanism. I was never forced to do anything to other children so it's not triggering to me in that sense. It's more that the whole topic of sexuality is a self-imposed no-no for me. That way I avoid a mine-field of triggers from pre-verbal times.
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Lots of hugs then :bigwink:
Struggling with old coping methods is a struggle for me. I still want to do them quite often. If I give in, i tend to beat myself up over it as well. They only help for about a half hour... so I do my best to fight it.
:hug: :hug: :hug: to you then too. I find self-compassion very difficult but it is healthier than beating self up.
BlueBerry,
I found it rather ingenious, your coping method of hands on your belly. It's something that can be so easily explained away, if someone notices you doing it.
:hug: :hug: :hug:
I heard said, once upon a time, that round is indeed a shape! And if the shape you're in, is round..well...then...you're in shape!
I never once imagined you being a danger to young children.
:hug: for feeling bad about exposing FOO in public. You are so brave, and I just want to tell you that. :hug:
There was a trigger yesterday that had nothing to do with CSA, more an emotional boundary thing. But the dreams I had last night - they were obviously tainted with CSA. Preverbal trauma - I get all mixed up. Even my fear of my flying seems to be mixed up with CSA. Not that it was done in airports or on planes that I know of but the connection seemed to be: on account of CSA no firm ground under foot (metaphorically-speaking) and in an airplane no firm ground under foot literally. That connection turned up quite a long time ago in T.
So going to move to some music now.
Blueberry,
Can I offer a safe hug? :hug: the connections our minds make with trauma seem endless. Please take good care sweetie
Thank you Deep Blue, yes the connections seem endless and incomprehensible sometimes but I'm sure they do all have their logic somewhere.
I sent you a pm.
Hi, just want to say we stop to visit, and see you. Safe :hug:if okay.
Quote from: Blueberry on April 07, 2017, 11:37:31 PM
TRIGGERS for whole post
As I've already posted, sexual abuse in the family I grew up in had a lot to do with M's fascination with buttocks. .. Anyway, other than M sticking her hands down children's (under)pants and all that, when she spanked (an action she seemed to take pleasure in), the sexualisation was palpable. Not just in her looks but somehow by touch from her hand to my skin. So a reason to behave myself the way FOO and in particular M deemed appropriate was not just to avoid physical pain and humiliation, but to avoid this sexualised feeling. It has followed me to this day: fear of setting any kind of limits towards people in a position of power over me.
And again today in therapy this topic came up. I feel so ashamed, though I know cognitively it's not my shame. Ashamed of even verbalising it, ashamed that it bothers me.
I think it's in "Surviving to Thriving" that caregivers manage to teach you really early on what the boundaries are. Pre-verbal stage. M didn't have to do this stuff too often for me to be constantly striving to not get this punishment. But the fear of it is still deeply, deeply engrained in me.
Today in T I spoke about the time in the summer when I spent a weekend with my godson, his sibs and their mother, who's a good friend of mine, but I was constantly either blowing a fuse or just managing not to. Not relaxing for anybody. My T asked what the feeling was underneath the anger. Fear. And beneath that? Visceral feelings of that type of CSA. There I have my answer: no wonder things were so hard that weekend. I was trying to bottle up all of that. Very pervasive what was done to me because CSA affects so many areas of my life. Not just the obvious and/or common like relationships and body image and food/eating.
QuoteVery pervasive what was done to me because CSA affects so many areas of my life. Not just the obvious and/or common like relationships and body image and food/eating.
Found myself nodding here. It affects so many areas. Trust, safety, hypervigilance, intimacy, friendships, and on and on the list goes....
:hug:
Quote from: Blueberry on June 07, 2017, 10:38:26 PM
here I get much more compassion. I'm 'heard' more here. So I want to find a better balance and not write too much without having witness to my pain / pain of little Blueberries. Here it's as if I have witnesses in all of you who just say things like: " Standing with you." It can be more, but it doesn't have to be, just that one little sentence is enough to show me I'm not on my own again. I need to be more mindful for me. Becuase when I start feeling guilty towards members of FOO, the hard-won stability I have disintegrates fast. I need my stability to function more or less IRL and to continue to heal.
I know you wrote this a few months ago, but I've just read what you wrote, and I think you're doing so well at processing so many things, and I just wanted to say I'm standing with you :grouphug:
Hope :)
Thank you so much Hope, I really appreciate it! :grouphug:
**TW**
A few days ago I dreamt that F was attempting to touch me in the sexually inappropriate way that M used to do and possibly still does to children. In the dream I was a young adult, certainly not a small child anyway, and I stood up for myself and objected so he didn't touch me. But what he did instead was argue. That it wasn't my decision alone, he had rights too. :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah:
I know that this complete scene didn't happen irl. Touching the way M did - well, I noticed once within the past 10 years when I managed to stop M doing it to a small child, F went and did it instead :stars: :disappear: Would be good if I felt :pissed: but I'm not that far along. He wouldn't have noticed that I was stopping her because I did it discreetly. So I don't think he was doing it to get back at me, but more because he didn't see anything wrong with doing it to an infant. At the time I was somewhat shocked: Him too?? But I don't have all these weird visceral feelings in connection with him. I'm 99% sure he didn't do it to me or my sibs when we were children, but possibly babies since he did it to this one baby within the last 10 years.
So the dream was more symbolic: F not accepting my boundaries, F resorting to 'rational' arguments to back up his or some other FOO mbr's inappropriate and abusive behaviour. That's enough on this topic for today.
After writing this, I felt shame and guilt: how could I do this to my father - write these accusations in public? I was reminded of T along time ago who first pulled this information out of me and then agreed it was a boundary violation but then later said it wasn't CSA. This T didn't want me in the SA group (inpatient). She also said that I needed to be careful and not say things like this about M because it could ruin our relationship forever. ??? Our relationship was already ruined due to M's abusive behaviour in multiple ways.
After I wrote the previous post, I actually wanted to delete it - but I didn't! I managed to leave it up. :thumbup: :applause:
Hi Blueberry,
I'm glad you left this here, and that you didn't delete it.
I wish I could say something helpful here, but I would like to send you a safe hug, if that's ok. :hug:
Hope :)
Thank you Hope. Validation is good all by itself, and so is your hug. :hug:
Hi Blueberry. Once again I am so moved and inspired by your bravery and perseverance. Wanted to send support and a safe :hug:
Thank you MoonBeam :hug:
Blueberry,
I wish I had words of wisdom. I care.
Caring is great on its own, notalone. Idk if there are words of wisdom for this kind of topic. It's the kind where I usually go blank myself.
On the surface I'm feeling OK about this now, at least not triggered and/or images or anything. That could change if I read my post again though. So I won't. There's enough going on irl atm.
TRIGGERS *** CSA and (C)PA *** for whole post
Quote from: Blueberry on October 23, 2018, 01:48:06 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on April 07, 2017, 11:37:31 PM
As I've already posted, sexual abuse in the family I grew up in had a lot to do with M's fascination with buttocks. .. Anyway, other than M sticking her hands down children's (under)pants and all that, when she spanked (an action she seemed to take pleasure in), the sexualisation was palpable. Not just in her looks but somehow by touch from her hand to my skin. So a reason to behave myself the way FOO and in particular M deemed appropriate was not just to avoid physical pain and humiliation, but to avoid this sexualised feeling. It has followed me to this day: fear of setting any kind of limits towards people in a position of power over me.
I feel so ashamed, though I know cognitively it's not my shame. Ashamed of even verbalising it, ashamed that it bothers me.
...
Today in T I spoke about the time in the summer when I spent a weekend with my godson, his sibs and their mother, who's a good friend of mine, but I was constantly either blowing a fuse or just managing not to. ...My T asked what the feeling was underneath the anger. Fear. And beneath that? Visceral feelings of that type of CSA. ...Very pervasive what was done to me because CSA affects so many areas of my life. Not just the obvious and/or common like relationships and body image and food/eating.
I'm making progress with this topic again. As I wrote over in
Successes,Progress I've started standing up to FOO irl and simultaneously staying in my body. In T, we've been working on me staying in my body for aaaages. Ever since I started there undoubtedly and I think that's about 5 years now.
In lots of places - group therapy, yoga, non-trauma-adapted therapy..., you're told to feel a certain body part and its contact with the floor or a chair. It's pretty difficult when as soon as that body part is even mentioned, it starts numbing, you start dissociating... With time in places like yoga, I learned to switch off ahead and/or talk to ICs during and certainly not feel into anything at all. That was all triggered merely by the
mention of the word.
Kazillions times worse when ordinary or visceral memories of what was going on in my childhood came up. I don't even want to think about it but I will try and write about how it was today because it was so much better.
In a dream where I was back home with FOO and probably in my early 20's I was 'put in my place' as particularly M liked to say with some method of physical punishment but since waking I don't know how. It might even have been dealt out by B1 and his fists. No, now I remember it was a clip across the ears by a Narent. It was probably F because he tended to back up the others before I started rocking the FOO boat too much. They made some excuses about why I'd been punished but I knew fine it was because I'd stood up for myself, though idk what about anymore. They all left the house (Narents, B1 and B2) and for some reason I started cleaning up in the kitchen though I wanted to get it done before they came home so that I could possibly leave for ever before then. They came back before I was finished and claimed that because I was cleaning the kitchen, I obviously felt remorse about my actions preceding the punishment. (FOO was big on coming to these types of conclusions and proclaiming them as the one and only truth.) I know that I contradicted that calmly and although I did do a spot of JADEing / trying to explain some aspect of cptsd to them, I left off soon and I felt OK about it, not "oh no, oh no, what have I done??" but rather "shrug, what can they do to me? Nothing."
Quote from: Blueberry on October 23, 2018, 01:48:06 PM
I think it's in "Surviving to Thriving" that caregivers manage to teach you really early on what the boundaries are. Pre-verbal stage. M didn't have to do this stuff too often for me to be constantly striving to not get this punishment. But the fear of it is still deeply, deeply engrained in me.
On account of the dream and the fact that I'm still seated on a chair with no numbing whatsoever, this fear is obviously no longer quite so deeply engrained. Which is big progress.
I woke up knowing at least one small IC was involved because I had the impulse to listen and move to lullabies and that type of music. It makes sense too, considering how the fear must have evolved at a pre-verbal stage.
Blueberry, supporting you in your process and progress. :hug:
I tend to think of dreams as revealing truths from our deep subconscious. Therefore, the thought that your progress has trickled down to the depths of your dreamlife is very encouraging. I'm happy for you that you've reached this juncture. There's so little that encourages me anymore, but this was good to witness :)
Sending you and your little ones care, a well done on making progress (very brave!), and a thanks for sharing and inspiring others here to keep on with healing and recovering. :hug:
Thank you all for your comments, especially since the topic is a hard one for me to post on or talk about it in general.
saylor, I'm happy that my post has encouraged you. :grouphug:
I had another dream last night which showed me I'm making progress. Just in case I'll give it a *** TW ***
In the dream I was an adult and I had just arrived at my paternal GrM's house but it was after her death. She wasn't there at all. My parents were there and they'd made up a bed for me for the night right next to theirs. My makeshift mattress was touching theirs :aaauuugh:. True to (my old) form in dealing with FOO, I didn't object or make a fuss, but got into bed. F was originally meant to be beside me and M the other side of him, but instead M got into bed beside me. I lay there pulling into myself, like willing my body to make as much space as possible between it and whatever clothes I was wearing. But I could feel M's spine in places against my back.
Then I was suddenly able to stand up for myself. "This isn't working at all! I'm going upstairs to GrM's old spare bedrooms." M had 'forgotten' about their existence. (Yeah right). In the dream I figured that M hadn't wanted to bother cleaning the spare bedrooms so that's why I was meant to sleep next to my parents' bed. I didn't care about a spot of dust or unvacuumed floor, I just wanted to be on my own.
Somewhat later M came poking around in the spare bedroom, hovering over me. First I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep, but since that didn't work, I again got the courage to stand up for myself. I opened my eyes and told her to leave, which she did. :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:
In retrospect the reason for my parents assuming I would sleep in their room right next to their bed is irrelevant. The whole situation is in fact a little bit reminiscent of the last time I was with the whole of FOO (where I had to share accommodation with others, although not a bed fortunately), except this time I managed to act before the whole situation got out of control and I managed to act on my own. I didn't need backup or support or encouragement from anybody. I didn't have to phone friends in my home country for help. And in the dream I just had to deal with my parents. No siblings or SILs around (or ghosts of grandparents the way there sometimes are when I'm doing Screen Processing).
I mentioned the dream here https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13773.msg106394#msg106394 earlier today.
I'm having dreams again where FOO particularly M turns up. It feels regressive e.g. I'm in a FOO place and can't seem to get out, though I don't remember any of it too clearly when I wake up. No wonder self-care is a bit difficult. One good thing - some healing is definitely going on though because I'm managing to stay in my body and even touch areas that are generally difficult e.g. lower back when I wake up.
Dreams that put us back in the house of FOO can be very troubling. :hug:
Thank you for your care and validation, notalone. :hug:
Re-reading now because of your comment helps me understand why I'm finding self-care so difficult and why I'm so apathetic atm also why I'm finding it so difficult to move along on some small steps to achieve some business goals, e.g. translation of children's lit. There is one person and one very small company I want to contact. I've been intending to on and off for months.
The 25th wasn't that long ago so no wonder this is all so difficult atm.
Quote from: Blueberry on October 23, 2018, 01:48:06 PM
Today in T I spoke about the time in the summer when I spent a weekend with my godson, his sibs and their mother, who's a good friend of mine, but I was constantly either blowing a fuse or just managing not to. Not relaxing for anybody. My T asked what the feeling was underneath the anger. Fear. And beneath that? Visceral feelings of that type of CSA. There I have my answer: no wonder things were so hard that weekend. I was trying to bottle up all of that.
Yesterday sometime after I wrote on here the above situation floated back up in more of a "Now I understand" way than anything else, i.e. I didn't feel triggered. If you've read other parts of this thread, you may have picked up that some punishments done to me were sexualised. That's the "that type of CSA" mentioned in the quote above.
I don't think it was clear to me at the time when I was talking to my T that what was really triggering was being with 3 children, one of them a girl, and they were squabbling back and forth the way children do. On that particular day certainly some of 2 boys against their sister. Although my friend, the children's mother, didn't start exploding or threatening her daughter with consequences for reacting towards her brothers as happened to me in FOO in my childhood, the situation was enough to trigger me into a visceral fear of that type of punishment. That's what was going on that weekend or that's what I was thrown back into.
It feels important to me to write about how I've had some deeper realisations about that weekend and about how difficult these types of triggers are for me. The fact that this memory came back up again yesterday is undoubtedly connected to something else going on for me in the past few days. No wonder things are so difficult atm. No wonder my favourite activity is cowering under the blanket and/or keeping warm under there.
Hi Blueberry,
Thank you for sharing and being so brave to share with us. I also experience intense and frightening dreams about my FOO, but I am never able to stand up for myself in them. I wish I could, though.
It sounds like you are doing a lot of very important and difficult work by coming to these realizations. I can see you are being kind to yourself by staying cozy. Will be cheering you on in all aspects :cheer:
Thank you mojay.
I used not to be able to stand up for myself in dreams about FOO either. Progress in healing has brought that ability, slowly but surely. I imagine it will for you too. :)
Somebody else's post about boundaries, yesterday or earlier today I think, but I can't find it anymore, brought a realisation for me. Actually part of it was that stuff about Andrew from the RF, but I still don't remember what sentence it was. I don't suppose it really matters anyway.
TRIGGER WARNING
One aspect of the CSA in my FOO was that punishments from one parent were sexualised. I sensed that as a very small child before I had any idea what was going on. Since setting limits and having my boundaries accepted was a big no-no when I was a child, attempts to do so ended up often enough with this s_ _ _ _ _ised punishment. Not always, but often enough for me to not attempt to set limits or stick up for myself etc. It has had a terrible effect on me. Even into my late 20's / early 30's meetings at work would give me visceral memories and fear. So I couldn't and didn't stand up for myself, not even to say that I needed a break from some discussion. My counsellor at the time told me that was within my rights to do so. That was news to me. These work meetings weren't even on anything particularly controversial. Still - there was a supervisor in the room, who was a good boss actually, I didn't have a problem with him, but it was enough that he was a supervisor.
As is often the case with me, I think back to a time when there was less or no healing on some aspect of my childhood trauma and think :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: No wonder I didn't survive long at work after I'd completed my degree - about 2.5 - 3 years before I got more and more ill and finally collapsed completely, ended up inpatient and have never got back in the normal workforce. I also think/feel :aaauuugh: about having these visceral memories regularly at work. Probably not all the time, but often enough to be too much. And I hadn't really made the connection and I had no idea what to do about them. I felt embarrassed about them and kind of crazy. Undoubtedly they didn't help me concentrate on my work. They certainly made progress up the career ladder difficult.
End TRIGGER warning
Before I wrote that, I re-read my whole thread here. It is heartening for me to see the progress I have made with this topic. Not healed, but a lot less likely to be triggered in day-to-day life. Not constantly dissociating and numbing, especially not my whole body. :)
Quote from: Blueberry on September 15, 2017, 12:15:38 AMQuote from: Blueberry on May 25, 2017, 09:37:17 PMOne of my coping mechanisms as a child, which I had started by 8 years old at the latest, feels pretty addictive and very hard not to do when I'm triggered in a few particular ways,
I did it again ... [today 26 Aug 2023]
I've been reading around on here and commenting on other people's threads ... , [for at least two long spells today 26 Aug 2023, putting off writing about this maybe?]
Or maybe triggered by something completely different, out of my own life that is, not anything I've read on here today or written so far in response to others.
My mind was very far away from remembering that putting my hands on my lower stomach could help and does help usually.
:hug: if that's okay.
Thank you blue_sky, it is. Helpful too, since it reminds me to comfort Little Blueberries.