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It never stops surprising me how good people with trauma histories are at looking normal to the outside world. If you asked anyone they would say Im doing great, Im that person if anything happened everyone would say how surprised they are. I have no contact with a therapist or the mh service, i dont see my gp about mh issues. I go to uni, im not a top student but I do ok i volunteer an stuff but under it all im a mess. I have no family no friends no one who knows me, no one has ever even been to my house. If im not st uni i often go days without talking to any one. I am constantly tortured by memories feel low and alone.

I was just wondering how people recover when they are all alone. I dont mean feeling lonely i mean being alone.
I have no one in my life. I have no one to call for a chat, no one I can call to go cinema or dinner with. I dont even have any one i can put as a emergency contact or come to uni events with me. I have no friends or family.
I just dont get how im meant to recover with no one in my corner no support network.

Does anyone feel scared? Like all the time?
I constantly feel scared. Not on high alert or anything just scared. Ive tried to reflect on it and figure out whats behind it and I have no idea. I dont feel like im waiting for things to go wrong or like someone will hurt me i just feel scared. Deeply scared. Sometimes its just an emotion but sometimes for some no reason it becomes a physical sensation like i dark pit full of fire in my tummy. My head becomes spacey and foggy and the fear starts to become a real sense of panic. Ive tried to shift it I try and think logically or accept it and move on but i just cant shift it.
I have felt like this for as long as i remember. I have had moments of not feeling scared when i was with someone i trusted but i dont have them anymore as that person isnt in my life. I remember the fear going, the fog lifting it was like everything became clearer, my head slowed down and i got some rest.
I need to not feel scared. I need a rest from the fear. I need a chance to rest and see things clearly but i dont know how to do it.
How do I stop feeling scared? any ideas?

Long post but need to just get it all out sorry

Ok so a bit of background. I was taken into care aged 4 due to neglect, abuse and domestic violence. The abuse was emotional according to my file but I have suspicion for a number of reasons that there was other types of abuse as well. Once I was taken into care I stopped having any contact with my family. I was with one foster career for 4 years and then another for 8 years. Both were emotionally and physically abusive however no one really helped. I was made to go to a number of therapists during this time as my behaviour was out of control but none of them lasted more then about 6 weeks so didn't help. I was then moved to a residential children's home which was at least safe however I didn't get any real support there.

During that time however I went to an amazing boarding school 5 days a week. I had a teacher who if im honest saved my life. For the first time I had someone who I knew was on my side no matter. He made me feel safe, cared for and he really got me. He was the closest thing to a dad I have ever had. (please see my post letter to an old teacher for more background). I really didn't make the most of it, I trusted him but didn't let him in as I didn't trust myself that I was trusting the right person. It scared me that someone was so close so I spent the whole two years trying to push him away (not that he let me) and now I hate myself for wasting the chance to get better.

After my gcse's I decided not to go back to school. At the time I really let I was making the right decision as I felt that I wouldn't cope with sixth form and that I was better of jumping before I was pushed. Looking back know however I see I was stupid and scared so ran away and I think part of me wanted to see if school would fight for me which they didn't. Shortly after this I tried to kill myself which I got into loads of trouble for and kicked out of the children's home and moved into a supported living. Things were mainly ok there until another resident attempted to sa me and I lost control leading to me getting thrown out of there. I was then homeless for around 6 months.

With the support of a mental health nurse I got settled in a flat and sorted my life out. Im at uni and quite settled. I stopped seeing the mh nurse about two years ago and have seen a therapist for a year since then however it just wasn't a good fit.

To the outside world im doing fantastic but in private I'm a mess. I'm sad, keep crying, feel lost and cant control the thoughts in my head. I have no friends, no one who cares about me and if I'm not out I just lay in bed. I haven't tided my flat in two years and it's a health hazard to be honest. I just eat junk food and have put on a lot of weight.

The whole time since leaving school I feel like I have been grieving. I lost the closest thing to a father I have ever had. I just want him back but its been so long I'm not even sure if I want him or the him in my head if that makes sense? All I know for definite is that I have never felt so alone and isolated in my life. I need someone who gets it, gets me knows how to reach out when it gets too much and can help me feel safe. I need a rest I need the world to slow down for a bit. I want a family I want someone to hold me tight, to net let go and just let my cry it out. I want someone to hold my hand when I'm sad and tell me they are proud of me when something goes wrong.

Today has been a really bad day. Im seriously battling with sh thoughts for the first time in years and don't understand what has triggered the downward spiral. I need help I need to work through the grief, but I also need support. I need someone by my side. I just don't know how to do it I can't see a way forward (I'm not suicidal though), I'm scared, alone and need someone to love me and fight with me.

Any advice or support is greatly appreciated.

Hi, just wondered why will the nhs not help? I'm seeing my psychologist through the nhs, have to do 12 weeks then be discharged for 2 weeks then go back again 2 weeks after by a self referral, I can see the original therapist as she knows my history etc, but if I hadn't have been comfortable I could have asked for a change, originally I was given a male therapist and I point blank refused and that was fine no questions asked and have the one now which I'm very lucky with as she's helping me a lot.

I went to the nhs and the lower service said they could not provide therapy or a psychiatric nurse as I was to complex and the higher tear said I need long term support (ive been in therapy with current therapist for a year and a half twice a week) and they don't provide that.

Sometimes we don't connect with our T's, and that can be painful and damaging in the course of healing and recovery.
You mention nhs, so I then assume that you're somewhere in britain. I have a friend from the uk who couldn't go to a therapist, but instead got a psychiatric nurse to talk to. Is that possible for you? It might not be a psychologist or psychiatrist, but nurses can be utterly life saving when it comes to mental health.
Whenever I went into between periods of therapy, I'd have a psych. nurse and my GP, and both where vital. They might not have been able to give me the wisdom of a T, but they were able to give me support and let me know I was being heard and not alone in everything.

Hi. yes I am in England. I went to the nhs and the lower service said they could not provide therapy or a psychiatric nurse as I was to complex and the higher tear said I need long term support and they don't provide that. Ive been seeing the therapist for over a year and we get on she just isn't the same as my old therapist and I know I shouldn't compare but she just doesn't get me in the same way

I'm wondering if you could speak to your GP/CPN/psychiatrist to explain what went wrong? Sounds like there wasn't much of a connection with the therapist to begin with, maybe it would be helpful to explain that?

I see my therapist privately she took me on as her 1 free place. I don't have a CPN or psychiatrist and my gp just says she cant help. I think the connection is there and we get on but I just feel like she doesn't get me

I feel like the world is crashing down around me. I'm scared and alone and unsure what to do. I feel dissociated and floaty like nothing is real I'm just floating through it
I have been in therapy for a year and a half now and have got no where and just font feel like I'm getting what I need. I have told my therapist I'm not going back and she doesn't seem to care at all. I'm regretting quitting cause it means that I have no one at all no one to talk to or contact when things get bad but at the same time I know there is no point going back cause it wasn't helping
All I want in the world is my old therapist back when I was with him I felt safe and like I could face everything but I know I cant have him back
I cant get another therapist as nhs wont help and I cant afford anyone else
what do I do know

I've always liked the idea of keeping a diary. I find that my thoughts become clearer and I am able to make better sense of things when I write it down. The problem is I find verbalising things even in writing so hard I feel like I am wasting energy doing it and no one reading it. So, I've decided to start a recovery journal I figure it will be like a diary but that people can read. Please feel free to comment or give any insight I find it really useful to hear other people's viewpoints especially people who have been through it.
I've already *hopefully* started my recovery so I thought I'd start with a bit of background.:
At the age of 4 and a half I got taken into care when my step-dad tried to kidnap me. Before this I lived with my step-dad and my mum. I only remember flashes of things that happened before this point. I know that I was emotionally abused and neglected and I remember being constantly scared.  I witnessed lots of drug taking and domestic violence. If I'm honest with myself I have the sense that a lot happened that I am blocking out but I'm not sure what and I'm not sure if I want to know.
After being taken into care I had a string of unsuccessful foster placements during which I was constantly told that I was bad and horrible and was moved for being too naughty. My first long term placement of 3 years was very abusive. I was physically and emotionally abused by the foster career and her two daughters. During this time, I was adopted twice and neither lasted more than two weeks. I also saw 4 different therapists but I never felt able to trust them so made no progress.
I then got moved to my second-long term placement which lasted seven and a half years. This placement was again abusive. I was locked in pitch black rooms for hours at a time, hit and neglected. I started getting into trouble at school all the time and was excluded over 40 times. In the end, I had a breakdown and ended up refusing to get out of bed or go to school for around 6 months. While at this foster career I saw 8 different therapists and these varied from them saying I was a pathological liar (apparently foster careers can't be abusive), to them saying I needed to be moved to a secure unit to one just telling me to give up because I was to damaged to improve. Throughout my time in foster care I had over 20 social workers and all told me that my future involved either getting pregnant young or going to prison so I thinks it's fair to say that I never saw much a future.
After this I got sent to a boarding school Monday – Friday and then went back to the foster careers weekends and holidays. I think it's fair to say that my two and a half years at the school saved me and changed the whole path of my life. Im not ready to write about this yet. But I have posted a recovery letter for anyone who wants to know a bit more. While at school I saw my mum once for the first time since I was four but this is something Ill also save for another post.
6 months into being at the school I got moved from the foster careers into a children's home. It was definitely the best placement I had on the whole the staff where nice. I really struggled with the fact that the ones I liked always left after a few months so I closed myself down emotionally and kept my distance but at least I was not abused. The other children were awful and most of them were violent towards the staff and did drugs but I saw them as family and I hate the fact that I am not in touch with any of them.
When I left school, I hit rock bottom. All the good work went down the drain. I realised that yet again I was back to being unloved, uncared for and alone. I was back to having no future, and what was worst was this time I knew that there was another option. I felt hopeless and ended up trying to kill myself. This led to me getting thrown out of the kids home because they felt that being suicidal made me a danger to the other children. So I got moved to a supported living which is when things went from bad to worse. 
If I'm honest writing this has really tired me out so I am going to leave it there and add part two tomorrow.

I have suggested taking a break a few times to my current T but she has always said that she strongly felt it was a bad idea. She said that she doesn't feel our relationship is ready for that or that I could cope on my own yet or cope with sessions after the break but has never said why. This is very different to my old t as we had regular breaks due to school holidays.

This is slightly worrying to me. Question rises why you wanted a break and why she felt to say it's a bad idea. To me, a good therapist would give you room to explore how strong you are without therapy. Is this something you want to do?
Talking here about these things and exchanging thoughts about it is a good independent step I think.



Lingurine

I have to say when she said no I was a bit concerned as well. I think I need to ask her about this again and get a better understanding as to why she said no.  She is an expert in CPTSD within the NHS so I think I sometimes just go along with her rather then challenge/question. There are a few other things she has said that concern me for example she said that within the NHS she sees people for between 6-12 months once a week. yet we have been working together for a year and she thinks that we have at least another two years work left.
I'm really finding this site so useful to hear what other people think as in my real life no one even knows I was in care or am in therapy so I have no one to talk to.

Hi kezkel101 and welcome to OOTS! These are some valid questions you ask. I'm with radical, too much dependence might be risky for those suffering from CPTSD. I think especially when developed in childhood, the insecure suture with caregivers makes us vulnerable for those who take advantage of others. I don't know if that's the case in your situation though. I do think it's good to distance yourself from any therapist, because of the risk of codependency. Last year I took a vacation of six months from my T because I wanted a break. If your T is any good, you can discuss those things with her. Transference is almost always something to be aware of in therapy IMO.

Just thinking.

Lingurine

Thanks for your insight. I definitely think you right that too much dependency would be bad. I don't really know if I was depended on my old T that is definitely something I need to go away and reflect on. I have suggested taking a break a few times to my current T but she has always said that she strongly felt it was a bad idea. which is why this week is our first break of over 5 days she normally sees me during her breaks. She said that she doesn't feel our relationship is ready for that or that I could cope on my own yet or cope with sessions after the break but has never said why. This is very different to my old t as we had regular breaks due to school holidays.

I don't believe there needs to be the sort of 'transference' which means you feel bereft if you don't see your therapist.  I'd be interested to hear other people's thoughts on this.  If I have some sort of psychological crisis I might feel a need for support, but if not, I'm getting on with my life. 

The word 'intensity' worries me.  I'm not sure I see it as a good thing in any relationship because I tend to experience intensity in relationships which are most unhealthy for me.  This may be different for other people.  Intensity, for me, is about an insecure attachment. 

Do you feel safe, believed-in, cared-for and free to be who you really are with your T?  You say you feel you are making good progress and that you hope your lack of anxiety is about being in a good place.  You haven't mentioned anything to the contrary.  Is there any reason you feel uneasy about not feeling uneasy?

We can't recreate the relationship we didn't have with our caregivers as children, with therapists, once we are adults.  I think we can be the child parts of ourselves at times, but I feel that therapy relationships that have an adult to child dynamic to the exclusion of healthy adult-adult trust and respect, can be extremely dangerous, and foster unhealthy dependence.  Hero worship is an ego boost to the therapist.  I don't feel it is beneficial for the client.

The most troubling thing for me is the association between intensity and attachment.  From my own experience, it seems that securely attached children feel safe to explore the world, it is insecurely attached children that are preoccupied with the parent and feel the need to constantly seek reassurance.

I'm not sure I should press 'send'.  Obviously this is just my take on things, and I'd be interested in others' thoughts

I'm pleased you did press send its a really interesting take on things.
I think your right I do associate attachment with intensity. I grew up in care and had abusive foster placement after abusive placement and so before my last t had never been attached to any one. I think that along with the fact he was based in my boarding school so I was seeing him every day made it intense. It was a new experience for me so I was learning how healthy relationships work and how to trust. It took me a long time with him to learn that he would always come back and just because we had an argument didn't mean he would leave. I was definitely relating in a child to adult way.  I suppose now I am passed that with my new T it is a much more grown up relationship.
I think I feel uneasy with my current T as I really dot feel able to be as open as I was with my last T. I also don't feel s understood. With my old t I felt like he really understood why I did what I did and could then help me to understand. In time this meant I was able to understand why I did what I did. With my current T I feel like she isn't as Intune so I have to explain every little thing and she often misses small signs that I'm struggling that I don't notice till after but I feel she should have noticed at the time.

Hi there, I do have personal experience to offer if it helps. I have found that I am attached to my T but nothing like it sounds like you are used to. I find that it is very worth going still. It is a great therapeutic relationship, and I think it probably depends on the dynamic in session more than that of outside the session. I know I can text mine like you know of yours  but it is okay not to need to I think.

Thanks that's really helpful. I suppose the dynamic in is more important then out. In session I feel that I like her and that she gets me. I suppose I am just used to intensity but maybe my relationship with my last t was unusual not normal.

So, tomorrow is my first therapy session after a 8 day therapy break. This is the longest break we have had in 15 months. I normally see her twice a week. I was expecting the break to be *. With my old therapist, I struggled when I didn't see him even if it was just when he was on a training course or something. I saw him within a school environment so even when I didn't see my therapist I had lots of other support. Now however I have no support other than my therapist so I was really expecting to struggle.
The truth is I haven't. I haven't thought about her, I haven't missed her and I haven't really noticed the distance. She told me that I could text her as much as I wanted/needed to yet I haven't texted her at all. I haven't needed to.
I'm trying to figure out why I haven't struggled more. I'm hoping that it's because I'm in a good place in therapy and trust her so know she is coming back. If I'm honest though I think it might be because I'm not as attached to her as I was to my old therapist. I like her we work well together but there isn't the intensity I'm used to.  I'd love to know what other people think.
If it is because I'm just not that attached is there any point in me still going to therapy. Can therapy work with out the attachment - without the intensity? If not is there any way I can make it form?
Any insights or opinions or personal experiences would be welcome. 

Hi,
It's been 4 years since I have seen you now. I'm not even sure if you would remember me, I was just one of the many people you were paid to help. That said you touched my life in a way no one else ever has or will and I need you to know how much you meant. Logically I know there is no chance of you ever reading this as I will never send it but I hope that by getting it down by letting some people read it, I can finally start to move on or at very least understand what's going on.
My whole life I've been scared. Scared of letting anyone in, scared of being hurt and of letting anyone see the real me. There have been times when I've been able to rationalise their fear, use logic to convince myself that I'm safe yet I've never felt safe – that is until I met you. I don't know what it was about you, logically there was a lot about you that should have put me on edge but it didn't. From the first day, I met you and for ever after all you had to do was walk into a room and I felt something shift that fear turn into an overwhelming feeling of safety. I trusted you, trusted that whatever happened you would take care of me stop things spiralling out of control and keep me safe. Now I'm worried that without you I'll never feel safe again.
Even when things were at their worst and I couldn't see a way forward you made me believe anything was possible. You are the only person that I've ever shown the crazy to who has been able to hold it, not hate me, not get over whelmed – just help me work through it. You showed me a part of me I never thought was real. You showed me that I could be confident, caring and maybe even vulnerable without anyone judging me. You taught me that it was ok to feel, that I could be angry or sad or just be however I was feeling and not let that overtake me. I could sit with the uncomfortable feelings and still be kind to myself – still be me.
I've always been scared of silence. Sitting in a room with people when no one is talking is one of the hardest things for me. It gives me the space to think about things, to worry about what the other person is thinking - to obsess over the last words spoken. Yet with you I didn't just deal with the silences I needed them. You let me know that you were their when I was ready, yet didn't push me. You taught me that sometimes it's ok to just be, that I could figure things out myself safe in the knowledge that you were their ready and waiting to pick me up if I fell, to chase away the darkness in my head.
There were times when the silence wasn't enough. When I needed to hear you speak it didn't even matter what about. You didn't even have to be talking to me I just needed to hear your voice. I wonder if you ever realised. Did you ever figure out that that was why I sat by your office? I always wanted to tell you but was worried it would freak you out. Your usual voice was just normal but you had another voice. A calm, warm and safe voice. A voice that told me you knew I was hurting and that you cared enough to be there. A voice that managed to reflect my emotions whilst still being full of hope and calm always so calm. I'd do anything to hear that voice again.
My whole life I've been treated like a child. Even now at 21 all major decisions are made for me, people are constantly talking about me not to me. You were different. You treated me as an equal, you explained things to me, challenged me both emotionally and intellectually, you always pushed me. To this day you are the only person to hold me accountable refusing to let me blame others yet still helping me move on. This is all the more surprising since you are the only person who has ever seen my inner child. You even said it to me once I'm still a scared little child. You treated me like an adult yet when I needed it you were like a farther. You let me make mistakes, yet stopped me making any truly terrible ones. You guided me with patients and care yet weren't afraid to put in place consequences and boundaries. You're the only person that has ever done that.
I know that I've put you on a pedestal, I know that you weren't perfect no one is. There are things that you never did that I wish you had. You know me better than anyone so I know you knew what I wanted yet you never gave it to me. I needed you to hold my hand and tell me that everything was going to be ok, I needed you to hold me tight and let me cry. I needed you to be real, you were always so professional to this day I know nothing about you. How was I meant to tell you things when I didn't know who you were? You never gave anything away I didn't know what you were thinking/feeling I couldn't predict how you would react to what I told you, it was like someone one coming on a journey but watching it on a screen. You know I need predictability you never gave me that, it didn't scare me because it was you but it made it hard for me to open up. At the time these all felt like unconquerable obstacles now I see how unimportant they were, I wish I'd realise that then, moved through them and given you a chance to really help me. I wonder where I would be now if id managed to grow up all those years ago.
Yet despite all of this a part of me hates you. You should have realised that I was getting attached and distanced yourself. I became addicted to you, you where my safety net, I forgot how to function without you, and I'm still lost. I was terrified, I felt it happening yet I wasn't strong enough to do anything about it probably because it was something I'd never experienced. My past had taught me that all it took to lose someone was an argument – yet with you that didn't work. I tried to make you push me away, tried to make our relationship make sense but you wouldn't play ball you made me push you away and now I'll always have to hate myself for that.  I hate that rather than working with you, talking to you and working through everything that had happened to me I wasted my chance. I just want a do over.
I've been seeing a new therapist twice a week for 15 months and were getting now where. I like her I trust her but there is no intensity. I don't feel the overwhelming sense of safety I got with you, I don't feel the pull to talk to her like with you.  I know no one will ever replace you but I was hoping she would help me move on. I don't know whether to give in or keep seeing her. The stupid thing is you're the one I was to talk to about it and I cant. I know I need therapy my life before you and since has just been trauma after trauma I need help I need to move on I just don't know how to make therapy work.
So what now? I really hope that somehow you will read this and reach out to me but logically I know that will never happen. I know that I need to move forward, get over you not forget you but not be scared of facing the world without you. I just need to figure out how to do this. Four years on and I miss you just as much now as ever, I still cry at the very thought of you, write you letter's when things are hard and wish you were there to share the good times. I just don't know how to do it and no one else seems to be able to help.
From,
Me