I went NC recently with my entire narcissistic FOO. My eldest sister may be a sociopath -- I have seen her take pleasure in my pain and suffering and she has attempted to push me toward suicide in the past. I have seen no evidence of a conscience, if it exists.
To show you the utter contempt I am held in -- that sister actually explained to me how to wipe my bottom when I was in my 20s. A few years ago, my other sister said I was a mentally handicapped pervert, and my mother agreed. My father attempted to get me to drop out of one of the most prestigious colleges in the country by telling me I wasn't smart enough to be there. My mother orchestrated an attempt to sever me from my entire extended family when I told her in a respectful but firm way that I was going to take some space.
I realize that my immune system issues, years of depression and anxiety, PTSD, imposter syndrome, low sense of self-worth, difficulty trusting others, past tendency to pick narcissistic partners, and crippling self-doubt are all consequences of being emotionally and financially abused, manipulated, scapegoated, discouraged, unprotected, and attacked for my entire life. When I outperformed them or achieved anything it brought heaps of rage and abuse onto me. They have conditioned me to fear success.
I am so angry and hurt. I hate their guts. This is weird for me and difficult to process. I am a gentle person who doesn't normally hate people, even when given an excellent reason. If someone behaves in a way that disturbed, usually I think through how badly they must feel inside themselves or how little connection they must have with other people to have to lord over others and treat them that way. And I feel bad for them, because they are stunted. But I hate my parents and my siblings right now.
I never learned to be comfortable with anger. It's hard to tell what is grief (and healing) and what is PTSD (and needs treatment like EMDR). I've been in and out of counseling for over a decade and it has been a huge struggle to value myself enough to make good decisions for me. I have an *excellent* therapist, but she doesn't do EMDR. Most of my old overt PTSD symptoms have been dealt with, but I remain easily triggered. I'm terrified that if I have children, someday they will hate me the way I hate my parents and siblings right now. I know it's not rational... but it's there.
I managed to break the cycle in my dating habits and now have a loving, genuinely kind and caring spouse. I'm so tired of the merry go round of depression and self-doubt bringing me down. I want to be steady and emotionally stable. Is that even possible?
To show you the utter contempt I am held in -- that sister actually explained to me how to wipe my bottom when I was in my 20s. A few years ago, my other sister said I was a mentally handicapped pervert, and my mother agreed. My father attempted to get me to drop out of one of the most prestigious colleges in the country by telling me I wasn't smart enough to be there. My mother orchestrated an attempt to sever me from my entire extended family when I told her in a respectful but firm way that I was going to take some space.
I realize that my immune system issues, years of depression and anxiety, PTSD, imposter syndrome, low sense of self-worth, difficulty trusting others, past tendency to pick narcissistic partners, and crippling self-doubt are all consequences of being emotionally and financially abused, manipulated, scapegoated, discouraged, unprotected, and attacked for my entire life. When I outperformed them or achieved anything it brought heaps of rage and abuse onto me. They have conditioned me to fear success.
I am so angry and hurt. I hate their guts. This is weird for me and difficult to process. I am a gentle person who doesn't normally hate people, even when given an excellent reason. If someone behaves in a way that disturbed, usually I think through how badly they must feel inside themselves or how little connection they must have with other people to have to lord over others and treat them that way. And I feel bad for them, because they are stunted. But I hate my parents and my siblings right now.
I never learned to be comfortable with anger. It's hard to tell what is grief (and healing) and what is PTSD (and needs treatment like EMDR). I've been in and out of counseling for over a decade and it has been a huge struggle to value myself enough to make good decisions for me. I have an *excellent* therapist, but she doesn't do EMDR. Most of my old overt PTSD symptoms have been dealt with, but I remain easily triggered. I'm terrified that if I have children, someday they will hate me the way I hate my parents and siblings right now. I know it's not rational... but it's there.
I managed to break the cycle in my dating habits and now have a loving, genuinely kind and caring spouse. I'm so tired of the merry go round of depression and self-doubt bringing me down. I want to be steady and emotionally stable. Is that even possible?