New understanding of how bad it was

[Rainydaze]

Recently my brother and his family came to stay with me, which was really lovely. There was a lot of talk about the past though and my sister in law told me some stuff about my mum which now makes perfect sense. My mum died she was 51 and I was 15 from cancer, which left me living alone with my narcissistic, emotionally abusive father. I think my mother protected me from him far more than I ever appreciated because once she was gone everything took a nosedive. This I've been trying to come to terms with for a long time into adulthood.

What is fairly new to me is the fact that my mum knew my father's behaviour was wrong and was looking for ways to leave him. I always thought she was a saint for putting up with him but clearly and very much understandably she had reached her limits. He found a box of newspaper cuttings she had kept about women being abused and how to get out of the situation. I've only learnt of this years later, he never told me any of this. Apparently he then gave the box of cuttings to my brother who was about to sit his university finals at the time, talk about passing on the shame.  I wonder whether my mother left this box for him to find intentionally or whether she forgot about it. I also wonder if him finding this box actually made my life worse because I was the only one living with him at the time he found it and he would have taken it out on me. In a way I'm angry because I think this is probably the case, however a big part of me screams, "Whoop, go mum, good for you!"

Little things come back to me about the way he treated her. I only remember her having one friend, a lovely old lady who lived opposite, and I think he probably resented her even having that. I remember being very little and sitting down at the table eating, with him laying into her about something so relentlessly that she got up and went into the other room. This was a shock to me at that young age. I remember how she never bought herself new clothes either and would do her clothes shopping at charity shops. It turns out that he used to criticise her for supposedly spending too much, even though most of her expenditure was probably just groceries and school stuff for us, so she felt she should never have anything new for herself. This was coming from a man who cheated the benefits system at the age of 40 and didn't work a day after that. My mum didn't work for years, even when I was older which I thought was strange. Turns out my sister in law touched this subject when she was chatting to my mum one day and upon suggesting that my mum could look for a part time job she was told that she couldn't bare to leave me alone with him. I knew she wanted to protect me and although I ultimately ended up alone with him for years it is at least something. I grieve for the independence and confidence she never had though.

So now, with an adult perspective on her situation, I find it tragic and I feel so sad for her. She died young after having a hopeless, unhappy marriage where she felt trapped. There is no justice in any of it.  I can only distance myself from his toxicity as far as I can and be grateful for the wonderful husband and stable home life that I now have.

[Three Roses]

  to you. So sorry to hear what you've gone thru.

[Rainydaze]

Thank you, Three Roses.  Lots of stuff keeps clicking into place just lately.

[Dee]

I understand this.  I am not relating it to my mother, but my marriage and being a mother.  Divorced in June and Separated for a year I am starting to understand what happened.  I have two children, and while my husband yelled at both (and me), my son was often the target of his constant criticism and still is.  Somehow he isn't like that with my daughter and I can't understand it.  I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not stopping it. 

I tried to do things that I thought families should do.  I wanted us to eat dinner together, at the table.  However, this turned into my son eating too fast, not chewing right, drinking too loud, not holding this utensils correctly, cutting his food wrong...etc.  So I finally gave up and we ate in front of the TV.  I would listen to it for as long as I could tolerate and then I would say something.  It then turned into not supporting him, I shouldn't of said anything in front of my son.  When I tried to talk to him in private, my ex dismissed me.  I once heard my son's friend ask him why his dad hates him, my son said I don't know, it is just the way he is.

I was in my own *.  Not knowing what a marriage should be like.  Asking him to leave, not being able to get him to go.  Threats of taking my kids away by exposing my past abuse.  "No judge would ever give you custody with your past."  Constant control and power issues.  I had no access to finances, even though I made most of it.  Dealing with untreated depression.

Now we both endure constant texts and demands.  Wednesday night we both received about 30 each because my son didn't get some homework in.  He is 16 and I have told him he doesn't have to reply, he doesn't have to read them, he can choose if he sees him or not.  I also told him I am not trying to keep them apart, I just want him to know he has a choice.  Yet it is hard to break away from the norm.  He reads his text telling him he is never going to amount to anything, he is lazy.  In the 3 or 4 times a month his dad wants to do something with him he feels obligated. 

My hope is one day my son can come to the realization that you have.  It gives me hope.  My therapist tells me it isn't too late.  Children are still forming their cognitive thinking until they are 25.  I hope she is right.