inner critic - enemy or part of me?

[Dalloway]

Hi everyone,

I am in a big dilemma about this thing right now and I would really like to hear your opinions/insights about this.

So I just finished reading Pete Walker´s book on CPTSD - From surviving to thriving and there was this concept of the inner critic. He writes that this bunch of negative thoughts and negative self-talk and self-shaming mechanism is not part of ourselves because it´s projected into us by our parents/caregivers/perpetrators. He also writes that sometimes it is useful to shut it abruptly when we recognize that we have an inner critic attack and just say like NO, SHUT UP and stuff.

BUT

I also think for some reason that every and each part of us belongs to us in some way, like in the internal family system theory, that the critical voice was useful at some point in our lives even though it´s unhelpful right now. So I can´t help but to think that if I was you know harsh or aggressive to that critical voice, it would be to some degree as if I was rude and aggressive and violent towards myself via that part that also belongs to me. And I was raised in a household with constant verbal abuse so maybe it would trigger me into a flashback every time I used that technique.

What do you think?

[Armee]

I agree with your take, very much. I'm being taught when I notice a difficult part to say something like "thanks I'm glad you're here. What do you want me to know" ...etc. Talk to that part as you would a wounded child who is acting out. Find out how it's trying to protect you and the whole system. Thank it for its help, remind that part that you're x years old now and can help that part and all your parts and are a capable adult now and safe. Telling a thought to shut up is a pretty sure way to keep it around but understanding that thought and why it is there and appreciating the intention softens things a lot in my experience.

I think in a lot of this trauma work, your own personal instinct is very important. Not everyone knows what's best for you and some books are a bit old. You know what you need better than anyone. Good job listening to your gut! 

[Dalloway]

Yes, that´s the way of looking at this inner voice thing I can relate to more, too. It´s so interesting how much not listening to my gut feelings affects my life, even just by reading a chapter and wanting to ´get it´ and be a good student who understands everything and ignoring in the process my natural feelings about that particular thing.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me 

[MarkTheRobot]

One thing I have taken from my T regarding Walker is, take what works and leave the rest. He is writing from the POV of someone with CPTSD as well as being educated about trauma, so I kind of view it as "this worked for me, try and see if it works for you" type of self help manual, and some of it is great. I haven't finished the book myself but I have found a lot of comfort from it in the parts I have read and discussed with my T. There are parts I didn't identify with but overall I am thankful it was suggested to me. 

My inner critic is my parent's words. Specifically my dad. For me personally telling the inner critic to shut up exacerbates things as it removes me from the moment and makes me come from a place of anger. Standing up for myself wasn't safe. Grounding work helps a lot when the inner critic is fierce. I like to narrate what I'm doing out loud. It quiets the inner critic if I move slowly and talk about what I'm doing. 

[Hypervigilant]

My inner critic was my mother, vitriolic and cruel so I drown her out with singing. The brain cannot think of lyrics and be her at the same time.
We all have differing perspectives so we all have differing solutions. If it works for you to listen great but if it doesn't it's okay to drown them out with Shinedown or your own musical equivalent.

[Dalloway]

I´m starting to perceive this inner critic voice as something that´s -- in its twisted way -- trying to save me from failure and danger coming from the outside world. It used to be very useful in my childhood when I needed to find a system in the chaotic world of my mother´s rules that changed every moment. So this voice was telling me what to do and how to do it to comply with all the rules and also to be as invisible as I could be, because following the rules meant protection from being seen and hurt. So by criticizing me it also saved me back then.
So yes, it´s very difficult to relate to that voice because of all the negative connotations and memories but I agree that being aggressive towards the inner critic also doesn´t help (and that aggressive tone can also be triggering for people who have a history of verbal/physical violence in their families, like me).

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey Dalloway,
I appreciate you writing this. I think it's given me some important teachings on handling my own inner critic. It makes so much sense, of course my inner critic is going to keep being critical if I tell it to shove off. They hate the world and everyone around it because nobody cares for them, and I'm just exacerbating that very notion, meeting their entrenched pessimistic expectations.

Standing up for myself wasn't safe.

It wasn't safe for me either... so I do wonder if trying to stand up for myself, trying to stand up to my inner critic, is a trigger in itself. Ideally we would be respectful and ask what the inner critic needs from us, discuss things in a healthy and mature manner like adults - but our parents who were supposed to train us this very skill failed to do so. So no wonder our first desires are to tell the inner critic to shut up.

Thanks for the thread, this is very insightful.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[CactusFlower]

Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families calls this the Critical Parent. That resonated for me because it's absolutely his voice I hear when those hurtful things are said. I find it nearly impossible to be aggressive or the like towards this voice as well. What I've figured out for me is a way to make it into something I can't take seriously. (works most of the time) There's a cartoon called Big Mouth (NOT for kids) and the dad of one of the main characters is this mousy looking, ineffective, sniping kind of whiner who constantly complains and isn't happy with anything. (voiced by Richard Kind) So I envision my Critical Parent as him. It kind of helps take the wind out of the sails, if that makes sense. It's easier for me to then hear that voice and roll my eyes at it and/or mentally say "Oh, stuff it."

Technically, it's a part of us, it just has a programmed voice. So I try to de-program it to remove its power.

[Dalloway]

CactusFlower, your approach is very interesting, I like it very much. I always like to use my imagination and find creative ways and I think that we, people with CPTSD, are particularly good at finding something useful that we can transform into something good, in all our painful experiences. We are the most talented people at taking our struggles and folding them into a beautiful origami swan. 

For me the inner critic is something/someone that doesn´t have a voice yet. I can´t figure out who´s voice is that talking to me. I mean, obviously it´s my mother´s and her "parenting style´s" influence on me, but for me it´s something more like me saying those things to myself (I don´t know if it makes sense though).

But I really like the idea of picturing her as someone who cannot be taken too seriously, so you don´t feel the urge to  identify with it. Thank you for sharing this idea. 

[Desert Flower]

Hi Dalloway,

In reply to Aphotic's post about her IC being alive, I just now wrote:

"Whenever I notice the IC saying something to me I tell her very forcefully to shut the f* up. It gives me some angry power that I can use. And sometimes, it stops the worrying instantly."

It does work for me sometimes.
Although, like you say, this may be another approach than 'befriending your parts'.
I do have trouble picturing the IC, she does tend to look like my mother and this is difficult because my mother is so old and fragile these days. But sometimes I'm so angry, I just blow her head right off by my words, like in a cartoon, and this does work for me to feel different. And then f* the guilty feeling that comes right after. Sometimes.

(Apologies for the language.)

[AphoticAtramentous]

CactusFlower, I appreciate your method of taking that power away from the inner critic. As Dalloway said as well, I think CPTSD folks can become incredibly adept at being adaptable. I've developed my own rather interesting methods of overcoming my fears and anxieties, and it's interesting to see how others uniquely handle their own too.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[dollyvee]

This is an interesting discussion and the inner critic is something that I haven't really delved that much into, but think it's probably one of the strongest protectors. I think this is because like Bradshaw says in Healing the Shame That Binds You, most of the these thoughts/voices (he says they are internalized parental voices) are unconscious and automatic.

I'm also on the fence about how to deal with them and see both approaches, either shutting them down or befriending them, as having merit. I have to go back and reread this to be sure, but I think that the legacy burdens can show up as the inner critic where we are carrying things that don't really belong to us. Or, perhaps we've taken on 20% of this and the other 80% belongs to someone else. I can see this as beneficial to shut the parts that don't belong to us out. For example, I had a part show up in an IFS that was my m and wouldn't stop attacking/bullying me. There was no way to befriend it, just seal it up. So, interesting how the inner critic plays out and definitely something to come back to. Jay Earley has a book on the inner critic and IFS that I started reading, but remember that the exercises were difficult to focus on I believe. I might have to go back to that.

[Kizzie]

I think the voices are ones we've internalized from our abuser(s), but also ones we create to keep us safe.

No matter what their origin though, I've found what's most helpful for me is to ask myself why is this voice speaking, what's behind it? And whatever the reason, in a sense it doesn't matter if it's my abuser(s) or me speaking. The most effective reaction I've found is to calm the voice, speak up to it if it's being too critical or shaming, and tell it I don't deserve that kind of talk. The voices seem to die off once you believe you should not be spoken to in such a negative manner, ever. 

[Papa Coco]

When I walked away from my FOO in 2010, my evil sister's evil voice was there, taunting me, for over a year. One day I did a ritual. I sat down in a ring of salt. I imagined a bubble around myself that she couldn't get through. I pretended she was a witch who was in my head.

It worked as a great starting point for getting her voice out of my head. her voice still pops up as a critic once in a while, but after I made a deliberate attempt at protection, I started the ball rolling to get her most of the way out of my head.

I don't care, personally, whether what I did was an actual exorcism, or a placebo ritual. It made a noticeable improvement so whether it was real or silliness, I'm okay with it either way.

This summer I read Robert Falconer's book, The Others Within Us. Powerful. He addresses the possibility that some of the voices in our heads really don't belong to us and that a good therapist can help us heal all the different kinds of parts; those who we created ourselves, those who came with us through birth, and those that dropped in on us while we were unable to protect ourselves from them.