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Tomorrow I'm invited to go on a road trip with a good friend and a lady I haven't met yet. I'm experiencing social anxiety. I don't want to be a Debby Downer but I haven't much to say except all the medical crap I've been through. I'm under doctor's orders to be more social and I really want to go, but I'll be afraid to open my mouth. I'm out-of-sync with people who do not have PTSD and it's obvious.

Your post reminded me I had a whopper of an anxiety attack on the way to see the shrink I described in my post "My shrink told me I'm sick I have a disease." Thanks for the heads up. That should have raised a GIANT RED FLAG. One of the other ladies in my group therapy filed a complaint against him and got transferred to another doctor. I wasn't thinking of making a formal complaint against him as he is the only doctor in the 15 years since 9/11 that ever fine-tuned my meds just right. I credit him for that. A former T of mine told us "Don't keep going back to a hardware store for milk" meaning not everyone can or will give us what we need or want. When you find out someone is a hardware store, stop going to them for milk. So I guess the shrink I described is a drug store and maybe I'm a whoopee cushion factory. If you'd ever been prescribed Sertraline, you will know what I mean by that. ;-P = = =

I had one T that was so blank, she didn't remember anything from one week to the next. If my name wasn't on the cover of my file I doubt she would have even remembered that and she was my insurance company's preferred provider. To get real help I had to go from a $20 co-pay to $150 out of pocket which I could not afford on a weekly basis. My out of network T was excellent but I just didn't have the money to keep seeing her. Now I'm covered under the Zadroga Act as I was at the WTC on 9/11. The doctors and therapists there are very interesting. Some in very good ways, some in not so good ways as I have described elsewhere (My Shrink says I'm Sick, I have a Disease).

today I am grateful I went outside. I felt like sitting in front of the computer nonstop all day. Then I remembered the Out of the Storm rule "Don't sit in front of the computer all day. Get up and go outside." So I did. The sky was so beautifully blue and the clouds were so brilliant and fluffy. The trees are full of bright spring green twinkling leaves and the pansies are blooming in every combination of colors and what a lovely smell fills the air. Well I had to log back on and contribute to this thread. I hope everyone gets to enjoy as lovely a day often. 

Ok, have you tried a white noise machine while your child is eating. I have one to help with my sleep disorder. it's so calming and soothing and really does mask and block out other noises. I love mine. It not only helps me sleep better, I use it when I'm trying to read and external noises are distracting me. I hope it helps you and your son enjoy peaceful, guilt free dining.

The other stuff, take to your professionals, I'm in therapy and medicated. It's changed my life for the better. Stick with it. You have accomplished amazing things.

P.S. I love you too.    

Dear Flyingfree,

I keep a dream journal. I have been fascinated with dreams since I was a child. I taped a symbol to the wall at the foot of my bed to remind me to remember my dreams. I had the dream where you wake up shaking and are unable to remember what it was about.  Very disturbing! I don't want to know what it was about, but why did our subconscious create something so horrible that our minds dissociated from it's own creation? What was the point of wasting our precious dream time? Before they had a name for it, I practiced recognizing when I was dreaming and influencing the direction of the dream. Kati Morton has a YouTube video describing how to direct dreams. Sorry I don't have the link, but search her site and you will find much that is helpful.

Sincerely,
Danaus

P.S. I have severe dyslexia and at first had read your name as Flying Tree and envisioned all these beautiful winged Ents (Lord of the Rings) for your avatar.

Kati Morton has many YouTube videos on all of the above mentioned stuff. Kati is a licensed therapist specializing in eating disorders and self harm. She has a pleasant cheerful voice. Sometimes I replay her videos just to cheer myself up and reinforce her advice. I have Disordered Eating and often buy clothes 3 or 4 sizes too large for myself and really believe these over sized clothes fit me. It took several people commenting "Why are you wearing such baggy clothes?" before I began to realize the whole rest of the world does not see  what I see when I look at my self. Months ago I bought something in my real size and was afraid to even try it on. Thanks to Therapy, Meds, good friends and Kati Morton's videos I am wearing those pants today. I'm still wearing a baggy tunic over them, but as we say here "baby steps."

This reminds me a bit of my former shrink. I posted about him. /I think the title was "My shrink says I'm sick, I have a disease" or something like that. If you can find it, you're welcome to read it and see if any of the advice I was given is helpful. Also do you watch Melanie Tonia Evans? She gets heavy into the narcissist's B.S.

yes and I'm on her PTSD forum. 

Would this mother appreciate your changing the child's diaper? Perhaps she's overwhelmed too and acting out at the child's expense. You obviously care about this child and have expressed a desire to be accepted by these people. You didn't cause this mother's behavior and you can't control, change or cure her. Even if it makes you cry, you have the capacity to change a diaper. Please stop being ashamed of your tears. My mother used to say stop crying right now or I'll give you something to really cry about. She's dead now and I can cry whenever I please. I can even cry for her.

What floor is your bedroom on? It's only that you frighten me when you say you climb out the window to smoke. If you are on disability you may be offered free assistance quitting smoking.

Do you watch Kati Morton on YouTube? She is a therapist and discusses many of the family dynamics you have described. She has a chat line and forums on her site.     

After my checkup yesterday with my retina surgeon I am grateful I will not need another surgery on my eyeball at this time. The retina in my left eye tore three times and came close to detaching from the macula, but my doctor caught it in time. The exam is almost as painful as the surgeries and leaves me with blurred vision and a headache. I'm grateful I can see to read today, also the sunrise this morning was spectacular.

I experienced debilitating EF for 10 years after my husband died. Meds were the only thing that made a dent in it. I'm still wearing his shirts although they are missing a button here and there and starting to fray a bit about the cuffs. 

Today I'm grateful my phone service has not been cut off. After receiving three "Why haven't you paid us?" texts from my phone company, I called them and explained my old card had been canceled due to fraudulent activity and my new card with my new number was "in the mail." The nice lady at my phone company granted me a 10 day grace period and even waved the $5 late fee. 

Thanks Mourningdove, for the meditation. I'm bringing it to my Women's 9/11 Survivors Group to play for the others while we wait for our therapist to evict the doctors having lunch in our therapy room. 

That is an excellent visualization. Make it into a YouTube. I'd give you a