A flashback i dont understand fully

[Sienna]

Think i want to just vent some feelings that i dont really understand.
Its frustrating and different for me to be so confused
think I'm in an emotional flashback.
Sometimes in the day, there are many, and they sort of, separate and you move on from one to the next, and sometimes, they kind of, crash into each other.

Guys, sometimes the flashbacks are many and they all roll into one, but i cant explain them with out writing reams and paragraphs.
I am stuck. I keep experiencing the same ones again and again. Catastrophizing.
I feel lost as to what to do * myself. I feel overwhelmed sometimes. The feelings feel too huge to deal with.
I feel like a small child who has just been left, and who is frantic and suffering. Not to sound too dramatic.
I dont know how to take care of myself, and the desire isn't there anyway.
Its too triggering to take care of myself, as its a reminder of that want i have for someone else to be here for me and to help me.
Know one where I'm living will understand and i cant explain it to them and i feel ashamed and stupid for comming back to the refuge each day yet in another flashback, even if they dont know.
I just want to self sabotage today.
There was absolutley no point writing this. Maybe part of me is trying to reach out. But maybe thats not the right thing to do.

[bruisednotbroken]

"I am stuck. I keep experiencing the same ones again and again. Catastrophizing.
I feel lost as to what to do * myself. I feel overwhelmed sometimes. The feelings feel too huge to deal with.
I feel like a small child who has just been left, and who is frantic and suffering.'

I feel this precise way over the last couple of months, but have been unable to put it into words effectively. Thanks for doing just that.

Reaching out is exactly the right thing to do! I know how difficult it is to reach out, and the horrible inner voice that activates whenever I decide to. It tells me that looking for help is pointless, that nobody will ever want to help me, let alone actually make the effort to do so. That inner critic tells me all sorts of awful things about myself which just makes it even harder to seek help or comfort. But I am slowly learning to recognize the inner voice for what it is; a knee-jerk reaction to the abuse I suffered. I have to literally take a deep breath and tell myself that the voice is wrong. I don't think I'm at the point yet where I can tell myself all those helpful little positive things about myself, but at least I can remind myself that the voice is just a reaction. And it's the wrong reaction.

I may not know the perfect thing to say to you right now as I never really learned the skill of comforting or being comforted, but I want to tell you this;
Needing help is NOT wrong
Asking for help is NOT wrong
Accepting help is NOT wrong
I understand how you feel and I know how painful it is
You are NOT alone

I will be thinking of you and sending you hugs!


"If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging." ~Will Rogers

[Sienna]

Brushed and broken, I'm so sorry you struggle too. I'm glad I was able to help you put how your - well- this flashback germs, inep words.
Thank you for your hug, I appreciate it so much,
Thank you for understanding.
I will write when I'm more clear headed. I have been drinking and am quite out of it. I'm sorry,
I feel so much guilt.
I can't leave my room to pee in fear that they might notice and I'm too guilty and out of it to explain if I have to.
Being in control always is card.
Bring out of control is hard too but I needed the release.
I'm also sorry to be impulsive and to vent.
I am here for you, only I need to write when I'm more clear thinking. Otherwise I would not be helping or supporting properly,
Huge hugs to you 

[Contessa]

Don't be sorry Sienna. Vent away. I have over the last few days... I I I, me me me... feel so egocentric but its helping. And you have been instrumental to that.

This is only place where anyone has ever understood. I see other people writing my thoughts down perfectly here. Keep venting and rest up. Sending a big hug to you Sienna.

[Sienna]

brusedandbroken, I'm sorry that my reply was not good to you last night.
and Contessa, thank you.

I feel so ashamed. I feel ashamed for drinking. I think that drinking made it worse, or made it continue. Maybe it was a good thing in a way, because then more feelings can come out.
Didn't eat anything last night, and only ate lunch in the middle of the day yesterday. People are telling me I'm loosing weight, and i think its not eating, and also due to stress perhaps.

If i explain what happened here, not for you guys, but for me, it might help...i dont know.
Things were fine yesterday.
Then this guy at volunteering offered me a lift as it was raining heavily.
This guy i feel self conscious around as i have feelings for him, feelings that i would like him to be my father (in a fantasy dream world)
I said no to the lift. Just heard myself saying *no*.
I couldnt go for fear of feeling self conscious in the car with him. I didnt want to feel how i feel when i am dropped off somewhere...like i did with the lady i was friends with, who i wanted to be my mother- she was undiagnosed Npd. I felt so sad and so much longing. I wanted a hug before i left. I never had that with my mother. Sometimes i would get out and sort of slam the car door (in a way so that she wouldnt know i was angry as that wasnt allowed), but i felt worthless and so uncared about.  I felt that she was glad to get rid of me.
There was no expression of love.

I said no to this guy too, to push him away. I think that maybe I'm angry at the world, I'm angry at what happened, I'm angry that i asked for hep with the forms I'm doing but got none after being promised help. I feel that i am alone and that i have to do everything myself, just like my parents made me I'm realising.
Maybe I'm taking this anger out on myself.
If narc X when we were together, would imply something, or i saw that he didnt care, (but didnt trust myself about his actions or lack of them)-
i would take things to the extreme and push him away, shut him out, and do everything myself.
Now that i can't do that counter - dependant thing, maybe I'm trying to push others away that I'm not in a relationship with, and maybe I'm taking it out on myself.
I have no outlet at the moment for this anger, living where I'm living.
So i waited for the bus in the rain, getting drenched.
Sometimes, theres a part of me that really takes pleasure out of hurting myself, out of self sabotaging, out of not taking care of myself.
When i stopped eating, when living with X and having flashbacks, i felt powerful in a way. Maybe that was the only thing i could control.

Im finding life really hard, and i have thoughts such as, know one cares. And know one cares what happens to me.
Narc X, does not care. He always said he doesnt want me to end up on drugs with out him, getting mixed with the wrong crowd. But now i think he doesnt care. He has shoved any feelings he had away, - if he had any for me for this whole 8 years we were together.
I know its his narcissism. But part of me feels ..i dont know what the feeing is. Uncared about. enraged.  He wouldnt care if i died. He wouldnt care if i went back to live with my dad, or my narc mother, and realising this yesterday really hurt.

It felt like this cloud , slowly comming over and covering me.
I went to the cafe in town as usual, to do these forms.
The forms about my visual impairment is giving me flashbacks.
I feel shame and guilt.
And I'm worried i wont able to do them right as i have no help, despite asking for it
so then, i wont be able to get a place to live. I need the money for that.
I feel how i used to feel when i was in my room as a child, doing homework.
Like i need to cry, frustrated crying.
As a little girl, i would talk to the papers and take it out on the papers.

But i think that i was really frustrated at not being able to ask for help. My mother would complain saying that her parents didnt help her with her work, that she could be sitting reading her magazine and drinking a coffee, but instead, she has to be up here helping me.
There was a lot of fear. My mother would get angry with me, put me under pressure, say things such as, For gods sake (name).you should know this by now. Don't you listen to anything you are taught in that school...etc etc.
Sometimes she would get so angry she would shame me for reading *my silly books*, and tell me to *get my head out of the clouds*. She put them on the stairs in a pile and i was not allowed to read them.
She would storm out of my room and slam my door. I think = though its vague, i think she slammed it one time, over and over and over.My book shelf would rattle and things would fall off.
I was frustrated and angry that i couldnt just work out the questions, and i was scared of getting them wrong after id written them, in fear of my mother being angry.

In reception class, i remember the teacher telling me to stop screwing up my face like that, but i was trying not to cry.
I just dont feel good when i have to work.
Getting stuck may seem a silly reason to get so angry. But i have no help. And i if i cant rely on myself to sort it out, i have nothing.

I am scared of my future. I worry there wont be one. I cant go back to dads. And i dont want to end up in a rubbish flat with hardly any money.

Maybe Pete Walker is right, saying that underneath all the despair and catastrophizing there is really fear. And that fear is of my future not working out right, maybe not of my mother, because i know she is not here, so she wont punish me if i get it wrong.

In the flashbacks, i dont remember her doing what she did, just the feelings.

Last night, i started denying my trauma past. It suddenly seemed so crazy, and i thought that i was the one who is just imagining things.
Im not a normal person, i should be doing better. Whats wrong with me- there is something very wrong with me. Lots of shame about it.
Since narc X left, - lots of flashbacks beyond my control.

I felt guilty for drinking. Despite being alone. I knew that i didnt have to drink but something was driving me to. Loneliness?? this feeling of emptiness...lack of for fillment in my life? yet another evening alone? ive not worked it out yet. There seemed like no reason not to.
and i could have not talked through the flashback with myself. i have been doing it as a new thing to try to release feelings.
Talking didnt ease the feelings but i could have absorbed myself in youtube and not thought about it, but i have this sick need to hear what my inner child is saying to me.
I feel guilty, that it was my fault i spiralled, because i *looked at the feelings*, instead of just shoving them down and disassociating.
Maybe its that, even if i can get through it, if i let myself hear her, there is know one with me for support , or even a hug.
My inner life is invisible to the world.

And a text from my dads girlfriend was triggering. Its triggering that if i told her the truth about my FOO, she wouldnt believe me. she would be confused if i said that seeing dad does not make me feel any better. (in my drunk state, i told her i wasnt feeling too great today, after she asked, then i told her to forget i said it, that it doesnt matter)
And i woke up late today too.
I dont know how to do the forms when i feel angry and like crying each time i try to do them.
Its making the process longer. No matter where i am, maybe i just need to take myself away and cry, then maybe id feel better.

This, and the abandonment flashbacks, are continuous. I can't move past them as they just keep comming.

[Sienna]

brusedandbroken,

Do you mind if i ask you, if there is anything you do to help yourself with these flashbacks you also have?
Thank you for saying to me, that reaching out is ok.
It tells me that looking for help is pointless, that nobody will ever want to help me, let alone actually make the effort to do so.
Yes. and i do have others in my life who i ditched, as they dont care. And the narc has told them lies and twisted the truth of what happened with us I'm sure. But they never showed they cared about me anyway.

I have to literally take a deep breath and tell myself that the voice is wrong. I don't think I'm at the point yet where I can tell myself all those helpful little positive things about myself, but at least I can remind myself that the voice is just a reaction. And it's the wrong reaction.
Umm. Thats a good idea.

I may not know the perfect thing to say to you right now as I never really learned the skill of comforting or being comforted, but I want to tell you this;
Needing help is NOT wrong
Thanks. Same here about the not knowing what to say thing, but i think you said all the right things.
Last night i really felt, that needing help is wrong. maybe i still do, and perhaps these feelings i dont feel crop up at times.
Why cant i accept help? What is this guilt? maybe i think that peoples intentions are not genuine.

Thank you for helping me to feel less alone. Thinking of you too. 

[Sienna]

shoot- so sorry, i never put a trigger warning. Always forget to do that. oops.