How important is it to remember?

[eucatastrophe21]

I have a lot of fog regarding my memories of certain periods of my life. And I know that's common for people with CPTSD.  This journey is fairly new to me since I only this year (I'm in my mid-forties) I discovered how I sugar-coated my past (my older brother looked at me in disbelief when I said something about our time at home and he proceeded to tell me things I didn't remember -- I had was the youngest and particularly targeted.

I just read in Pete Walker's "The Tao of Fully Feeling" that "Real forgiveness depends on the adult child clearly remembering the specifics of her parents' abuse and neglect. ...Unremembered and ungrieved traumas block the tender feelings that are the matrix for feeling forgiveness."

I'm still not sure what there is to remember. But I FEEL the resonance from living through years of shock and dissociation. My memory has always seemed worse than anyone else I know. What happens if you simply cannot remember? I do remember enough to know things were bad...unsafe, stressful. I remember the state of shock.

But how to proceed without being able to remember more?

[Dee]

This certainly has been the topic of many posts here.  I was told recently (by a therapist) that I don't have to remember to recover.  I don't know exactly what that means yet, but it still resonated with me.  I like that idea.  For me, what I remember is enough and I really don't want to remember more.  However, I do have things just come back to me too.  Like I never forgot them in the first place, I just didn't think of them.  This has only happened in the last 6 months or so.  I don't think the memories added anything to my recovery.

[sanmagic7]

hey,eucatastrophe21,

personally, memories, whether willfully being remembered or just popping up, has been helpful to me for realizations, validations, putting pieces into place, and understanding.  i am not able to remember at will some of what i believe happened to me because it was before i was 2 yrs. old.

still, i don't think memories are vital to recovery.  i do think that we'll remember what is needed at the time it's needed, and, in my book, that's enough.  the results tell the story that isn't remembered.

as far as proceeding, it seems you have enough to be going on with.  that resonance, symptoms, behaviors, thoughts and feelings that don't help you in your life, are of no benefit to you, gives you what you need, to my mind, to continue on a path of recovery.   best to you with this.  it can be confusing.   big hug.

[Coco]

I'd like to start by tipping my hat to your inner protector, who has held down the fort for about 40 years to protect you and keep you safe and functional, out of love for you. Your protector has done an exceptional job shielding you, and deserves acknowledgment and appreciation. That length of time is an accomplishment!

It must have taken a toll (safe hugs)

In fact, huge love and respect to everyone's amnesia right now. It's a beautiful safety mechanism.

I've been like you euca - total amnesia. Then I remembered too much, all at once, in a dramatic fashion, like an internal bandage was ripped off. **TW** That period of my life was very dangerous and I was literally lucky to survive **End TW** It is worth noting that this uncontrolled bombardment of memories was partly spontaneous, and partly willed into happening, by me. I was so stuck in my life and thought I had to remember to heal and move on. I didn't know what I was getting myself into though. So I willed it all out, and my psyche co-operated. But the memories had not been processed at all. They had all been stored whole, like mini movies. So when I re-lived them, they were broadcast out of my cells like a living movie, and it was exactly like being there again. I had to process the horrific memory itself as well as the shock that I had experienced it and forgotten as well as the layers of shame and horror that people are that abusive, and many levels of pain, fear of loss of control, fear of the power of the memories, body sensations - a lot.

I still don't remember everything and still have poor day to day life memory. I kinda feel like I'm literally brain damaged. The other night I saw that in my inner world, there is a shimmering black wall and underneath that wall are yet more memories which I have no context of, but my inner selves don't see any point in exploring it - too disruptive. And that is a very real thing to consider. How disruptive is this going to be, and what is the outcome I'm seeking?

I think it makes sense to accept and trust where we are at right now. Memories can be emotional or visceral without context or content. Your memories might show up somatically, or as feelings rather than visual scenes. I hope this isn't the wrong thing to say, but be prepared that remembering can be extremely destabilising.

I think we are marvellous, miraculous creations who are always seeking to balance themselves. I think your system will present memories to you as the timing is right, when your internal landscape is prepared. And I believe that what you do know and remember now is plenty to work with. Whatever you have access to now, is perfect for your next step of healing.

I've been through a few rounds of remembering, each less painful than the last, because with practice I learned a) I'll survive this and b) to judge/resist less. I got more flexible with my view of myself and life.

If you and your life are functioning relatively well right now, there's no real need to go excavating. You can make space for locked down memories and the accompanying fragments of yourself stuck back in time, by cultivating a lot of self love, self kindness, self acceptance, feelings of safety in the body, relaxation, and stability. Then maybe some memories will peek their heads out to reveal themselves into the light of your consciousness - but I don't think they will do that, or your inner controller will allow it - unless it seems safe to.

Whatever is right in front of you in your life right now, demanding attention, is the evidence of you and your trauma. Just deal with that moment by moment. All your memories are in your subconscious mind which is asserting its influence on you all day every day, so I don't think that you not remembering things means you can't heal. I think each of us are different and will walk a different path, and there is plenty you can do to love and soothe yourself whether you remember things or not.

[Blueberry]

I'd like to start by tipping my hat to your inner protector, who has held down the fort for about 40 years to protect you and keep you safe and functional, out of love for you. Your protector has done an exceptional job shielding you, and deserves acknowledgment and appreciation. That length of time is an accomplishment!

Bucket loads of it!

I admit, I haven't read much of Pete Walker, but I'm wondering if his words on fully remembering to enable true forgiveness are not to be interpreted as: "You must forgive, therefore you must remember everything first" but rather "Don't try and forgive hastily because if we pretend to ourselves we have forgiven and the memories aren't finished coming up, we can't truly say that we have forgiven."

I used to try so hard to forgive and I thought I did too, again and again while growing up. I was told by abusers and enablers and some well-meaning people that I needed too. That did not lead to recovery.

Also the subject of forgiveness has come up here on a few threads and a number of us agree that we do not need to forgive our abusers in order to heal. Forgiving ourselves - that, yes, probably.

[woodsgnome]

Specific memories don't seem as important as the gut instinct that something wasn't right, normal, or appropriate for what is rattling around in the memory cage.

Here's what seems crucial, though--to be open to the possibility that memories might further crystallize in the form of emotional flashbacks, for instance. This has upset those times when I was sure my memory bank was clear.

As to forgiveness, if it seems appropriate, perhaps. I know I've never been able to accept the usual suggestion that all will be well if one just forgives. Perhaps just getting away from the abuse and its hold on one's life is the only means of for-give-ing one needs. Still it's sticky, as has been pointed out; one of those many cloudy conundrums with no clear answer that fits all who've been so badly hurt.

[eucatastrophe21]

Wow! Thank you all for such thoughtful and helpful replies. The memories that I do have are coming up a lot in day-to-day life and are indeed destabilizing--just reinterpreting things that are obviously terrible sounding if you say it to someone else but we're just normal for me.

These replies to my post remind me to be patient. I have had so much anxiety and deadness and depression for my whole life. Now that I understand more,  both a hopefulness and urgency to move on. 

Many thanks!