Still Struggling ...

[LadyFinn]

I am new here , well "sort of new". I was here in a couple of years ago and today I just needed to find my way back. I thought I would be far better ( if that ever happens) but this past weekend I had the worst blindsiding trigger reaction that I have ever experienced. It has been well over a year since I reacted this acutely to anything, so .. here I am back. I I need to learn more from others and seek support and just be in contact with people struggling like I do . My story is on here somewhere ( maybe I will paste it ) and I continue to experience daily anxiety , ruminating .. and anger that can come from no where .

my original post was in 2015 (!)


I am new , desperate and feeling so broken in many many ways . I have recently completed a 56 day hospitalization for PTSD and now back at home . I have learned a lot... but have a very very long way to go. I try hard to apply all the techniques but the daily never ending anxiety will never stop. My spouse of 30 years betrayed me .. lied , had an affair with my friend . For 8 months he was in his own crisis from extreme abuse as a child . MLC apparently and he destroyed everything , blamed me and all the "typical" mid life horror show . I was so traumatised by this deceit in was beyond anything I can describe.. even I knew it was a reaction that was so severe, so inconsolable painfull ... I wanted to die . I could not rise above it. I turned to my mother for support or something , and she "blamed me and accused me of causing him to leave " etc etc .. that was the end . I should have known not to go anywhere near her as she has blamed me for all "bad things " in the world since birth. It was the final betrayal of a mother to a daughter . In treatment , I learned that my mother is " narcissistic spectrum mom" and my reaction to abandonement was soo traumatic due to my own childhood . I knew she was cold and mean and I have fought with her since birth .. but I never understood narcissist . So many painfull discoveries . I have much work to do to heal. I need all the help, wisdom and support I can get as I struggle incredibly with almost every PTSD issue . I appreciate any words from anyone that can offer some advise or simple support.

I am going to learn my way around this forum and stick with you lovely people... I still have much to learn .

[Blueberry]

Welcome back! 
Sorry to hear that you're still struggling, though not so surprised. Don't get me wrong, since we don't know each other at all, but C-PTSD involves quite a lot of struggling unfortunately.

So I hope you read more and post more and move out of the current struggle. 

[Three Roses]

Welcome back! It's good this forum exists for times when you need support the most.

Have you ever seen the Spartan Life Coach on YouTube? Might be just what you need - he has a ton of videos but here's a link to one of the shorter ones:

https://youtu.be/-ZnrQhk3eNQ

[Rainagain]

Hi ladyfinn,
Sorry to hear things have gotten so tough for you at the moment, I hope the good people on here help you through this.
I wonder if its a temporary response to coming out of hospital? Maybe it will settle down once you readjust to being back home?
Just a thought, change unsettles me (understatement) which is why I wondered if that is causing you to get triggered so strongly.
Maybe if you think of it as a temporary readjustment thing it will make sense to you more and start to go away, worth a go.....

[LadyFinn]

Thank you for your responses an suggestions...I will watch the utube videos. My "trigger" was to do with feeling abandonment , that I do not "matter" and that I am invisible . I react to that trigger with an intensity that is not describable.  I feel like a 5 year old in emotional immaturity and deep embarrassment an shame add to the internal chaos. I become consumed in "flight" and need an escape RIGHT NOW!. It is the worst thing I have ever experienced ... and in hindsight only... it was not even true. It is MY perception, in my body and not the intention of the other person . So scary, so scary.... oh my. It makes me want to stay in the house, never go out and risk that anguish again...but I KNOW that is wrong. I cannot allow my feet to go down that path. I still need techniques to "thought stop" and somehow access the part of my brain that is in better working order. This is sometimes *.

[JamesG]

Hi LadyFinn

all sounds pretty familiar I'm afraid, that attack when you needed support, I cannot tell you how many times that happened.

But it's them and not you, remember that. You are normal, they are not, and that's why you were so deeply hurt, you expected normal parenting and normal relationships, as you should have, as we all should.

One thing I find helps is to write down the conclusions you come to after one of these down episodes and keep it there for when you feel yourself sliding, once or twice I have headed off major panic attacks like that. Remember, your emotions are perfectly understandable, they are a symbol of your experience, an experience you should not have had but a record of your humanity nonetheless. You can't make the past improve, but you can choose to rise above it, something you have already shown you can do. Falling back from time to time is a reality of such a past, and we have to expect it, like dust rising in a car when you hit a bump in the road. But living despite all this pain is a challenge worth taking, bigger and more inpressive than any marathon or academic quaification. It is defiance, plain and simple.