Messages

For context: my undiagnosed borderline mother physically, emotionally, and sexually abused me.

Mothers Day is tomorrow and my feelings are weirder than in previous years. For the last five mothers days (this will be my sixth since going NC), I've dealt with flashbacks and surges of anger and elevated SOT. But this time around, though on the struggle bus more than usual, I am surprisingly put together and calm. I've even been entertaining the possibility of reaching out to her. I went so far as to write a letter and to mull over what I would say. Then, for the first time in a long time, I read back through my journals and reaquianted myself with all that I went through. I had forgotten so much of the horror! In healing so much, in having properly integrated my traumatic memories, I forgot just who I was dealing with. I lapsed into a default assumption that my M is someone I should honor. But having been reminded of what I've been through, and having reminded myself that I can expect absolutely nothing good to come from interacting with her, I once again truly remembered why I put the NC in place to begin with. It wasn't because of the abuse I suffered as a child, but it was because there was absolutely nothing about her that had changed, that she continued to treat me poorly, and she was treating my children poorly as well. The NC wasn't punishment for a bad mother; it was self-defense. It isn't that my mother is a bad person and shouldn't be honored so much as it is the case that I, functionally, never had a mother. Even the sweet moments growing up are tainted with her manipulation. Instead of a mother, I had the opposite: not someone who gives, but who takes. Not someone who loves, but who demands love. Not someone who models healthy relationships, but who twists all relationships to the breaking point. She was no true mother to me, and acknowledging that fact is deeply freeing. As I told my T the other day, I have other mothers in my life I can honor: my wife, my dad's mother, my wife's mother, my wife's grandmother, and many friends who are mothers.

Thanks everyone! I had a great session with my T this past week and I'm taking a couple of days off of work next week. I'm also putting every non urgent thing in my life on the back burner and proactively doing things that bring me joy (playing with my kids, drawing, etc) for the next couple of weeks.

I have engaged in minor SH in times of high stress (biting my cuticles, picking scabs, pulling hairs, etc), but I've never wanted to hurt myself seriously. But every so often in times of super high stress (from external circumstances) I fantasize about getting hurt bad enough that I have to be hospitalized and can get a  socially acceptable break from my own life. Currently in that spot now and not sure what to think. I know my T would say it is a sign I need to take a break and step back, but a) I have no idea how to do that and b) stepping back from the busy-ness of my life would mean I would have time to face my internal battles and that seems worse. Can anyone relate?

Hey all--it has been awhile, but I am dropping back in. I've been doing a lot of offline work with my T and really leaning into IFS. Here is the latest internal dialogue:

Dramatis Personae:

True Self (TS–this is the authentic self, the Holy Spirit led self, the core and true *me*)--NEW DISCOVERY

Inner Adult (IA—this is the outward facing self, the one who makes the decisions, who I am in everyday life; this is the teacher, the husband, the father. He is almost always in the present)

Inner Critic (Icr—this is the primary manager and probably my most active other part. He views his primary responsibility as keeping the exile from waking up. He does this by critiquing anything that might upset the exile in order to stop me from getting into situations where the exile might be subject to harm. The Icr ranges between 13-18 years old. He lives in a liminal space between the past and the present).

Inner Child (IC—this is the exile. He is approximately 9 years old. He is mostly asleep but with troubled dreams. When he wakes up he is terrified, alone, isolated, and extremely angry. He is the last of the inner children to not be integrated. In therapy a couple of years ago the IA rescued the infant, toddler, little, and teenage me, but this child refused to leave).

Firefighter (FF—this is the firefighter in traditional IFS terms. Historically, his job is the job of an anesthesiologist; he is supposed to keep IC asleep. He does this through a soothing routine. His primary tools are food, prayer/meditation, isolation, massage, entertainment (podcasts, TV, YouTube, music, etc), sex (porn before I was married), and alcohol. He is the least defined in terms of age because he has grown along with me).

Philosopher (P—this part was a new discovery for me recently after Icr asked him for help. This part is my highly rationalistic, analytic side that is just highly skeptical. He isn't skeptical of people like the Icr, but just skeptical of claims about anything. He needs things to be clearly articulated and defended. He is pretty dispassionate and only comes to the surface when asked, which is mostly in the context of my daily work as a teacher. He came into existence in high school and has grown with me).

Artist (A—this part atrophied for a long time, but has come into his own in the last five years. He is highly creative and is a writer, an actor, and he draws (primarily the human figure). He also enjoys tinkering with home improvement projects, but doesn't actually know what he is doing most of the time. He is consulted, often along with P, in the course of my daily work. He, along with P, has grown up with me).


Inner Dialogue V: October 2024

IA: I have gathered you all once again in order to make a most serious proposal. There is one whom we have not recognized, who has sat behind all of us, and who, until recently, was unknown to us. He is the True Self.

***The TS walks out of the shadows into the center of the room***

Now, I know that several of you will be suspicious, but please bear with me. I have led us for the past several years, but it has not gone smoothly. After our conversation with T a couple of weeks ago, I came to the realization that I was never meant to be thrust into this leadership role. I thus propose that I cede my place of leadership to the True Self.

TS: Thank you IA. I don't really know what to say except to open myself up to questions.

Icr: Where have you been hiding? How come you haven't revealed yourself before now?

TS: I haven't been hiding. I have been here all along. But we just did not have the resources or knowledge to differentiate me from among the rest of you. It took T to call me into coherence.

Icr: Ok. What makes you so special? Are you like IA who thinks he knows everything and is more prudent than the rest of us?

TS: Let me ask a question (and please, just follow my lead): how did you come into being?

Icr: I was aware of myself a separate part in the moment I told M to never touch us again.

TS: Right. What about you, IC? When did you show up?

IC: I don't remember for sure, but I think it was after we touched sister.

TS: Right. What about the rest of you?

P: When we joined the debate team in high school.

A: When we started to perform in theater productions.

FF: I don't remember exactly, but I think when Dad first read the Hobbit to us and we learned to lose ourselves in a story to avoid the pain all around us.

IA: When we started dating DW and she told us to grow up.

TS: Thank you all for sharing. Do you know when I came into being? At the beginning. From the moment of conception. For God "created my inmost being; [and] knit me together in my mother's womb." You see, you all came into being at necessary moments in my life to help me deal with whatever circumstances I was facing. And I am profoundly thankful! Thank you for protecting and defending me. Thank you for helping me face a life filled with difficulty. But you all, and you especially, IA, have had to bear more of a burden than you should. If you will let me, I would like to assume leadership over us all.

P: Interesting proposal TS. And if everything you have said so far is true, it makes sense. But seeing as we hardly know you why should we cede you the authority to lead us?

TS: Because we have now reached a critical juncture. Since I have been perceived for the first time, our system cannot return to how things were. Surely, you can sense that I am qualitatively different from each of you.

A: You do have a numinosity that is hard to understand. Your thoughts are not immediately apparent to me. Unlike the rest of us, I cannot see into your mind.

Icr: I noticed that as well! You seem to be more substantial.

P: You put me in mind of C.S. Lewis's comment in The Great Divorce: "Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows. But will you come?" I think I understand us better, now. We are true parts, not merely masks or screens, but each of our remits is quite light compared to you who are led by the Holy Spirit.

IC: But what about me? Will you forget about me?

TS: No, child. I will not. To quote Lewis again, "That is what mortals misunderstand. They say of some temporal suffering, 'No future bliss can make up for it' not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory."

IA: Ok, everyone, let's take a vote:

P: I'm in

A: Me too

IC: ME!

Icr: I suppose 🙂

IA: Me as well

TS: Thank you. I am excited to take the helm

Hey Kizzie,

I am actually planning to make a report today.

I ended up having a fairly long talk with the boy, after which he was "grounded" and prevented from coming to our house for awhile. Then first his uncle and then his grandparents came and took him away for a week or so. Then, at one point, we heard knocking on our front door around 10:00pm. When I went to open the door, no one was there. A few minutes later, the man knocked on the door and asked us if his wife had just visited us and, if so, had she said anything to us. We told him "no," at which point he told us that his wife was severely mentally ill and he was really sorry she came to our door (he said he saw her from his window). After that, the boy has come back over some. He has also told me that he hides in his mom's closet because of all of her "ghostly whispers." Anyhow, after this most recent development, we are going to make a report.

My wife, kids, and I just moved. Across the street from us there is a family that has all of my spidey senses tingling. I have met the husband. He says his wife is really sick and is bedridden. When asked for more details, he just smiles and says she isn't contagious (his affect is pretty creepy; makes my skin crawl). They have one child. This child is the same age as my youngest, around 6. He comes over to our house all of the time to play. When he comes over, he often tells us that he just had to get out of his house. That he is scared. But then he laughs and says he is scared of everything. When pressed for details he just dodges and runs off. When we ask the kid about his mother, he just says that she has to stay in bed all day. He says he checks on her every day and that his hiding place is her closet.

I am persuaded that there is something seriously wrong here. I don't have any hard evidence, of course, but my gut is screaming that this kid is being neglected/abused and that the wife is similarly being mistreated. So, what do I do? In my State, the statute says the standard for making a report requires a "reasonable belief that abuse/neglect has occurred or is occurring." BUT THEN I chalk all this up to my own c-ptsd and hypervigilance. I am probably just making this up, seeing mountains where there are only molehills.

What do I do?

Hey everyone. It has been awhile, but I am back. So thankful for this community.

Back in early December, my sister reached out to let me know that she was divorcing my narcissist BIL. She disclosed the PA and EA she experienced at his hands and, among other things, explained that he had dictated or controlled all of her communication with me over the last few years. She expressed that, with the help of a good T, she had finally managed to see that she was being abused. She knew she had to get out.

At first I was skeptical regarding her communication with me, but time has borne out that she was telling me at least some of the truth (for more on my fun history with Sis, read this). She apologized profusely and has sought to make amends. We have been able to spend some time with her and her kids while at my F's house, and those visits were great.

On the flip side, she has gotten even closer to our undiagnosed BPD mother, the one who abused me my whole childhood, including PA, EA, and SA. I have disclosed all of this to my sis. Previously she just denied that I was telling the truth, but now she admits the EA and the PA (which she also says she experienced) and admits the possibility of the SA. We had another interesting chat yesterday. Would love your thoughts:

Here is my summary of that chat:

1) She apologized for, at Christmas, delivering presents from M for my kids. She reiterated that she did not want to hurt me. She doesn't understand what I am going through, but she respects it.

*********I asked her if she reported my sexual abuse allegations to M**********

2) She said that she did tell M about them. M has racked her brain and cannot recall any such incident. 

3) She said that she wasn't disbelieving me; she just has no way of knowing for sure.

4) She floated (again) the idea that the abuser may block out committing the abuse.

5) She said that M has been to A LOT of therapy and has admitted to being molested by my Grandpa (her father--this is the first time she has admitted this, though we have long suspected it), though she is still quite hesitant to call it abuse.

********I asked if M would be willing to sit in a therapy session with me and my therapist*******

6) She said that M would be willing to do that at the drop of a hat.

7) She offered herself as a mediator between me and Mom. 

She suggested that if I couldn't be around M, then maybe DW and the kids could. 

*******I mentioned that the NC had been driven in part by her mistreatment of my girls*********

9) She said that M had done the same to her kids, but she had intervened and they had had good talks and established good boundaries.

10) She reminded me that M had been her abuser as well, especially during her teenage years. And while it had all been verbal/emotional, it was bad. On this basis, she asked me to take her word, to trust her, that M had changed.

***********I mentioned the idea of Too Toxic for me, Too Toxic for my kids*****************

11) She reiterated her intention to have a relationship with me no matter what ended up happening with M.

12) She told me M has become content with never seeing me or the girls again this side of heaven. 

After listening to several good lectures and podcasts about how psilocybin works, and acting on my T's advice, I decided I wanted to give give it a shot. Based on the protocols established in a few different phase III drug trials, and in consultation with my T and with a Registered Nurse, I designed and implemented my own therapeutic protocol (it included designing the setting, the mindset I went in with, the music I had, the medications available, etc. I also had a trip sitter). I accessed the magic mushrooms via the gray market (not legal per se, but decriminalized). The insights and spiritual experience I has was fantastic, but even better than that is the virtual elimination of all of my C-PTS symptoms. On the scale used by my psychiatrist, my depression symptoms are virtually non-existent and my anxiety symptoms are their lowest of all time. I have not had an EF since my trip, my SOT has only been activated when I almost got in a car accident, my interpersonal relationships have remarkably improved (esp. with my wife), etc. Maybe most notable of all, however, is how fast and how successfully I have done IFS work with my T since my trip. If you go over to my recovery journal, you'll see my latest dialogue between my parts. That was written after my trip. My most enduring symptom (and most debilitating one) has been my Icr, but he currently being helpful and nor harmful.

I do have fear that all of this is temporary, and maybe it is. But I am hoping that the rewiring in my brain that occurred will at least give me the time I need to move the furniture around in my head before everything locks back into place.

Without any hesitation or caveat, this has been the single most useful thing I have done for my CPTSD.

[Dramatis Personae:]

Here is a new dialogue comissioned by my Therapist. Enjoy.

Dramatis Personae:

Inner Adult (IA—this is the outward facing self, the one who makes the decisions, the *me* in everyday life; this is the teacher, the husband, the father. He is almost always in the present)

Inner Critic (Icr—this is the primary manager and probably my most active other part. He views his primary responsibility as keeping the exile from waking up. He does this by critiquing anything that might upset the exile in order to stop me from getting into situations where the exile might be subject to harm. The Icr ranges between 13-18 years old. He lives in a liminal space between the past and the present).

Inner Child (IC—this is the exile. He is approximately 9 years old. He is mostly asleep but with troubled dreams. When he wakes up he is terrified, alone, isolated, and extremely angry. He is the last of the inner children to not be integrated. In therapy a couple of years ago the IA rescued the infant, toddler, little, and teenage me, but this child refused to leave).

Firefighter (FF—this is the firefighter in traditional IFS terms. Historically his job is the job of an anesthesiologist; he is supposed to keep IC asleep. He does this through a soothing routine. His primary tools are food, prayer/meditation, isolation, massage, entertainment (podcasts, TV, YouTube, music, etc), sex (porn before I was married), and alcohol (I gave up drinking about 4 months ago after I blacked out while I was supposed to be caring for my children). He is the least defined in terms of age because he has grown along with me).

Philosopher (P—this part was a new discovery for me recently after Icr asked him for help. This part is my highly rationalistic, analytic side that is just highly skeptical. He isn't skeptical of people like the Icr, but just skeptical of claims about anything. He needs things to be clearly articulated and defended. He is pretty dispassionate and only comes to the surface when asked, which is mostly in the context of my daily work as a teacher. He came into existence in high school and has grown with me).

Artist (A—this part atrophied for a long time, but has come into his own in the last five years. He is highly creative and is a writer, an actor, and he draws (primarily the human figure). He also enjoys tinkering with home improvement projects but doesn't actually know what he is doing most of the time. He is consulted, often along with P, in the course of my daily work. He, along with P, has grown up with me).

Dialogue

IA: I have gathered you all in one place at one time to discuss what we must do going forward. As you all recall from our last session with T, we cannot maintain the status quo. Something must give.

Icr: Do you have a plan? Because I am NOT sure about this. What if he wakes up?

IA: I plan to wake him up when the time is right. He deserves to be part of any decision making process.

Icr: Absolutely not! I refuse to participate.

IA: Do you want a seat at the table? We need you. I need you. I need you to keep helping us live well.

Icr: [storms off]

IA: Ok. Anyone else object?

Icr: [from other room] I STILL OBJECT

IA: If you want to be part of the decision-making process, then please come back in here. Decisions are made by those who show up.

Icr: [slinks back in] Fine. But I object.

IA: Duly noted. Anyone else object to waking up IC?

FF: How will we put him back to sleep? It's one thing when he wakes up delirious and in a nasty dream. We can usually soothe him back to sleep with some snuggles, prayer, and a snack. But if we wake him up on purpose, aren't we risking a catastrophic meltdown?

IA: I hear you. Philosopher, what do you think?

P: Well, it is all risk vs reward, right? Why do you want to wake him up?

IA: Because he deserves a seat at the table. And I am persuaded after our last session with T that we won't get better until he gets better. And he isn't going to spontaneously recover by being sedated.

P: I guess the question is whether he can recover. I mean, he might be damaged beyond repair. In cases like this, it seems best to leave the patient sedated.

A: No one is damaged beyond repair. The world is full of surprising joys, of beautiful things made from the dust. You only have to look. If we are voting, I vote we wake the poor kid up. We might be surprised at what we find.

Icr: But the risk is enormous. Waking him up, especially if we can't control him, could be disastrous.

IA: You are right that things could go badly, but we don't seem to have much of a choice. Our current trajectory is untenable. If you have a workable alternative, please present it.

Icr: I . . . I—I don't!

IA: [gently] What is the risk we run if we don't get him help?

Icr: I don't know what you mean.

IA: You have the potential to become something like our conscience, pointing out when we have missed the mark and helping us to craft a plan to return to virtue. So what I mean is, is there anything morally concerning about leaving him sedated until we die?

Icr: Um. I—I guess leaving him sedated is not very respectful of him. It isn't how children should be treated.

IA: Ok. Anything else?

Icr: Help me out Philosopher–what is it that you are always quoting from St. Bernard of Clairvaux?

P: Oh yes, the four loves. The lowest love is the love of self for the sake of self. Essentially, I do whatever makes me happy. The second love is the love of others for the sake of self. Basically, I enter into a quid pro quo with another person. The third love is the love of others for the sake of others. This is when we sacrifice ourselves truly for the good of others. The fourth and highest love is the love of self for the sake of others. This is when we care enough about others to make sure we are at our best.

Icr: Thanks! So, basically, I guess the moral danger is spending so much of our energy on keeping the kid sedated that we are unable to be present with our own kids and wife and students and friends.

FF: I never thought of that. What could I be doing with myself if I wasn't spending all of this time on sedation duty?

A: And if the atmosphere around here wasn't so negative, I might be able to make more beautiful things.

IA: Wow! I love all the insights. So, are we agreed, do we wake him up? Let's take a vote. This needs to be unanimous. FF, how do you vote?

FF: I vote yes.

IA: A?

A: Yes.

IA: P?

P: Yes. I think your analysis of the situation is spot on.

IA: Icr?

Icr: I say yes. The worst that will happen is that we will go insane and then, if needed, we can get help in an in-patient unit.

IA: I doubt that will be necessary, but you are correct. Ok. Let's wake him up. Buddy, little one. Wake up. Can you hear me?

IC: [murmurs] Mommy? [crying] I want Mommy!


To be continued . . .

Hey Bert,

A pleasure to meet you!

I am so sorry to hear about all you have been through. I resonate with your description of your M. If you know the classic BP "types," growing up, my M was mostly the queen with a strong dose of the witch. As I grew older and the physical and explicit sexual abuse stopped, the emotional abuse was heighted and came with a very toxic, insidious form of covert incest. She very much became most often the waif but sometimes the hermit (though the queen was always in the background).

As to your questions:

I want to ask you - how are you able to fluently note down which inner "parts" are speaking with you and precisely what they say? I really want to develop this practise.

Well, I have spent an extraordinary amount of time in therapy, meditation, and journaling. I received my C-PTSD diagnosis about four years ago and have been working ever since. These dialogues come at the end of a long process of work. I did not have this clarity at all when I first began. Also, I am a trained writer. While most of my writing is academic, I have been in creative writing workshops and have written creatively a lot. The trick, for me, is to treat the parts as characters in a drama. I don't think there are any actual parts in me--that is, I don't have alters like someone with DID would. Rather, my parts (and the whole IFS framework) is a creative way for me to imagine the tensions within myself. So, this is less of a recording of actual conversations between discreet entities and more a creative expression of the tension within my mind.

Additionally, your Inner Adult is very compassionate. Has this always been the case, or has this developed with practise.

Absolutely not. He used to be merged with the Icr. Early on, I could not get any distance between my IA and my Icr. Thankfully, doing lots and lots and lots of EMDR cultivated that compassion within me for my IC. Also, and maybe more relevant, I am a father to three kids and those kids are the ages when the abuse was at its worst. Seeing how vulnerable and young they are has really increased the compassion I feel for the IC.

Within myself, I'm rarely able to dis-identify with the negative emotions and consequent thought patterns that crop up with even the smallest of triggers... I also rarely am able to articulate these emotions and feelings into words and sentences such as those you are able to within your inner dialogue.

Right. I was right there with you for the longest time. Something that really helped me was reading the Stoic philosophers and then doing what they said, especially the Enchiridion of Epictetus. While I don't think CBT is all that useful for the treatment of C-PTSD itself, I do appreciate the practice of being able to create a critical distance between myself and my thoughts, to observe them as they pass by. I honed this skill when I was first being treated for my OCD (diagnosed about 7 years ago) and it has served me well since.

Anyhow, thanks Bert! I appreciate the comments and I also wish you well on your healing journal.

Thanks everyone!

The dialogue proved to be a catalyst for a fantastic session with my T yesterday. We were able to get really deep into the pent-up rage felt by the exile.

Here is my latest dialogue. T asked me to write this one. Same caveats as above apply. Right now, my ICr and my Manager (in IFS terms) are indistinguishable.

* * *

IA: You have been super loud lately. What's up?

ICr: What do you mean?

IA: I hate it when you play dumb. You've been torpedoing or attempting to torpedo most of my relationships.

ICr: Excuse me? [arms crossed; turned aside]

IA: [rubs forehead] Ok, ok. I'm sorry. I came in all accusatory. I am just so tired.

ICr: Then you should go to bed earlier, dimwit.

IA: [physiological sigh] Thank you. But seriously, are you ok?

ICr: [blinks in surprise] Wha, what do you mean?

IA: Well, you seem to be very scared. What are you afraid of?

ICr: I wouldn't say I'm afraid. I don't want to commit to that emotional disposition.

IA: Ok. But are you worried about anything? Anything on your mind? Are you preoccupied with anything?

ICr: [whispers] I don't want him [gestures toward sleeping young child] waking up.

IA: What sorts of things might wake him up?

ICr: Seriously? You don't know what things wake him up?

IA: To be honest, I haven't thought about him specifically all that much.

ICr: [clearly flabbergasted] But how? How do you go through life without thinking about him? He is literally ALL I think about. If he wakes up, then we are doomed.

IA: [shrugs shoulders] I just don't. I have lots of adult things to think about. Please tell me what sorts of things wake him up.

ICr: What wakes anyone up? Loud noises. Crying. Being touched without warning. Being spied on. Being criticized. Being challenged. You know, the basics.

IA: Umm. Ok. Those last three seem different from the first three. How would he know if he was being spied on, criticized, challenged, etc?

ICr: Whatever.

IA: That's a genuine question!

ICr: I DON'T KNOW! I just KNOW that he hates those things!

IA: Ok, ok. I get it. But, if he is asleep, would he know if those things are even happening?

ICr: You are missing the point! If I slip up somehow or don't pay attention, then he might wake up when one of those things is happening. And then ALL * will break out.

IA: So, how do you shield him from those things?

ICr: I make sure we are never put in a situation where he can be criticized, spied on, or challenged.

IA: So, what does that look like?

ICr: Well, it's what you called "being loud" earlier. I turn on the sirens just as soon as I suspect we might be criticized or are being spied on!

IA: What are the sirens?

ICr: Well, over the years, I developed a number of tactics, but the easiest one to flip on is the anxiety machine. I shoot our anxiety levels up when I think we might be about to enter a situation that might lead to us being criticized or spied on.

IA: Do you have some recent examples?

ICr: Oh sure! Remember when our wife wanted us to go to Costco? Remember how we would have to get our own membership card which would involve giving out our cell phone number, email address, and taking a picture for our membership card? Well, I know that has a high likelihood of us being spied on. No corporation needs that information!

IA: Right. Anything else?

ICr: Do you remember the anxiety spikes you experience when a student meets with you in your office?

IA: Yep.

ICr: [smiles smugly] That's me!

IA: But why?

ICr: Because I want you to STOP taking those meetings. If you don't meet with students in your office, then you can't be accused of anything unprofessional!

IA: But it is part of my job to meet with students, to advise them on a number of things. Principal explicitly said that was the reason for the fishbowl approach to our offices. The large windows make it so anyone nearby can see into the office.

ICr: Yeah, but they can't hear what you say!

IA: Which is why I follow our protocol and keep the door open anytime I am meeting with a student. I have been well-trained on safeguarding.

ICr: Doesn't matter. It is a risk. What if you say something you shouldn't? What if you get reported? What if you get fired? How is HE going to feel about that?

IA: [rubs temples] Enlighten me.

ICr: He is going to feel like HE has been rejected, that he is worthless and gross and deficient and like he should just jump off a bridge. I CANNOT handle him getting loose like that. No. No. No. Absolutely not.

IA: Ok. Suppose he does feel that way. What's the harm? He is deeply hurt? We both know that. What's the danger?

ICr: Because he could TAKE US OUT! Do you not remember the last time he really got loose?

IA: Can you explain it?

ICr: Yep! You, in your infinite wisdom, had decided the time was right to come off our meds. Those meds were absolutely essential to keeping him tame. So I made a bad deal with firefighter (FF). He said he would just replace the pills with booze. I figured if it knocked the kid out, then life would at least be tolerable. I didn't know what to do. But stuff got real that Saturday and FF went overboard. We got so drunk we blacked out while we were supposed to be caring for our kids. And I decided in that moment to protect us. We were done with FF's methods!

IA: Yeah, I remember. Thank you SO MUCH for making that decision. I actually really appreciate that you stepped up for us.

ICr: You're welcome! But I should not have had to do that and I am still upset about it! I had gotten to the point where I thought I could trust you, where I didn't have to constantly watch out, but you betrayed that with your experimentation with our meds!

IA: I am so, so sorry for that. To be fair, though, I don't think you are telling the whole truth.

ICr: What?!?!?

IA: Well, I think you were terrified that he would wake up when we got Mom's letter in the mail, so I think you attempted to beat him into submission. But your plan backfired because you sounded so much like her. You were the one who woke him up. At that point, you turned to FF for help. It is true that I was messing with our meds, but I had started titrating down months before all this began.

ICr: That might be true. All I know is I am now running a tight ship and do not plan to take chances.

IA: How have you felt with me overriding your decisions lately, leaning in to doing what I think is right regardless of how it may personally cost me?

ICr: I have absolutely HATED it. And I think I have made life difficult for you so that you have had to think twice.

IA: Remember when we first got the OCD diagnosis?

ICr: Yes.

IA: And you had no idea how OCD worked so you were constantly spiking our anxiety levels at the drop of a hat, at the barest intrusive thought that wasn't perfectly virtuous?

ICr: Yes

IA: Do you remember how T and I were able to convince you to work with us?

ICr: Yes.

IA: And how you became my staunch ally, acting like a conscience to push me toward doing what I actually needed to do to care for us? By the end, you were often the one suggesting that we pursue ERP, right?

ICr: Yes. So?

IA: Do you think you can trust this trauma therapy process too?

ICr: I have no idea. It seems dangerous and highly likely to wake him up.

IA: I think we need him to wake up. He is the one who needs the help.

ICr: NO! We are functioning JUST FINE!

IA: It doesn't seem like that to me. He needs professional help; he needs something you cannot provide him. And wouldn't his healing be better than your constant fight to keep him in bed?

ICr: . . .

IA: Well?

ICr: I . . . I don't know.

IA: Ok. Let's leave it there. But can we talk about it with T tomorrow?

ICr: I suppose . . .

IA: How gracious!!

ICr: [glares]

Thanks Papa!

I completely agree with what you have to say about art. I have written quite a bit of poetry with a couple of pieces published. I also am a self-taught figure artist. When I had my first C-PTS "break" (my F filed for divorce and things never before discussed were discussed) and I had to take a leave of absence from work because of my symptoms (including lots of SI and severe depression), my T recommended I try a creative outlet that was non-verbal. And man o man did it benefit me tremendously. In spite of everything, I am quite religious and have done a lot of religious art (in the form of graphite & charcoal renderings of famous icons) as well as more traditional figure art. Learning to draw the nude figure has aided tremendously in my ability to see the bodies of others as good and beautiful, and by extension to appreciate my own body, to be present in it instead of dissociating from it. One of the most difficult drawings I did was a self-portrait of me based on a childhood photograph. You can just see the pain and fear and helplessness in his eyes.

I love that you gained so much from writing your novels! That warms my heart. And I also love that your wife's love has been instrumental in your own healing. It wasn't until I met her that I realized love could be given and received without condition or transaction. I remember one of the times before we got married that we were making out on the couch in her house and she paused and asked me if I would be comfortable taking off my shirt. I had never got shirtless in front of a woman (and rarely a man) since I was little. It was too triggering. But I loved her and I wanted to be loved and I felt safe. I took off my shirt. And she took off hers and well, we anticipated our wedding night by a few months. That was the first sexual contact I had had since my M had molested me. And it was SO HEALING.

Thank you for the encouragement. And it is so great to "meet" you here on this forum.

You take care as well!

Thanks Papa!

I so relate to one of your comments:

Sadly though, I am still ashamed of being what my mom would call a disgusting, smelly, ugly man.

She regularly told me I was disgusting and nasty. A gross boy that no one in the world would love except her. She made sure I never dated in high school. I started dating my now wife when I was 21 in college. Mom feigned support and love, but she clearly saw my wife as a threat. She went out of her way to get alone time with me as an adult (usually calling me to come take care of her when my dad was travelling for business). She just wanted to keep her claws in me, to make sure I would never leave her. But being genuinely loved by my wife began my healing. And watching my M try to sink her claws into my kids woke me up to how horrible she is. As I began disconnecting, she turned extremely nasty toward my wife. That was the wrong decision. It was my love of my wife (and her love of me) and my desire to protect my kids that finally caused me to break off contact. But as I wrote here, her voice is still with me.

Also, I like how you post with these dialogues. It's a clever way to really share your inner thoughts. Very cool! Very easy as a reader to follow.

Thanks! I have a creative writing bent and find this sort of thing easy and very helpful for myself. I am glad it can help you.

Dolly,

Thanks! I hadn't really looked into attachment theory before, but I think you are exactly right about me being the fearful-avoidant type.

I also really love your "multiple reality disorder." It is so true. I am thinking of it like the different parts have different sets of VR goggles on but are all moving around the same room. No wonder things are confusing! I see my T again on Monday and my psychiatrist today. Hoping to get some clarity and make a game plan.