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Green tomatoes-
you are not green. You are on the verge of ripening. We don't have to have it all figured out.
I think we all feel shame. Shame is something we are taught to feel. It doesn't have to define us. It is a long road but it is worth it.
Welcome

On the edge of hope. Welcome. There is hope here. I've learned I am no longer a victim. I believe there is a reason we survived all the garbage. I don't know what it is yet but I will. If I check out, I will never know.
I haven't been on the forum a long time but I know people don't abandon people here. We can't fix things for someone else but we can be by each other's side as we work through it.

He was/is great. His insight was amazing. I love his books. He is one the people who I wish I could sit down and talk to for hours

I've been several depending on the years.

Growing up- my oldest sister was the golden, perfect child- smart, beautiful, popular and never did anything wrong. But when she was 21 she had a glass of wine, 2 weeks later she wanted a glass of wine and diagnosed herself as alcoholic and has gone to AA ever since, because she WANTED to have a glass of wine. She hasn't drank since she was 21 (she's 62 and has had 1 glass of wine in her life). She also has her Masters and has difficulties keeping a job because her supervisor's want to supervise her and she won't tolerate someone checking on what she does. She is more than controlling and will tell me everything I'm doing wrong.

My middle sister was the ghost- quiet, introverted, never did anything wrong she got caught doing- she drank and got high. She is 6 feet tall and has a small, quiet baby voice as she is sending me healing rays of light right after she slams me for doing everything I've done "wrong" since the age of 8 years old. She is the person who calmly tells my parents what they should be doing as the spokesperson for my sister.

Me- I was the scapegoat. I was the reason why the family had problems but I was the 'problem child' because I was the "wild child"- I snuck out at 2 in the morning to talk to my friends (all 3 of them)- but I didn't do drugs or drink. I skipped school so I could go to class with other people I knew in their schools. I was mean and hateful when I hit my 'perfect sister' in the nose with her mirror when she was singing "I am pretty, oh so pretty" the song from West Side Story. I was angry and I talked back forcing my dad to beat me (of course I forced him to beat me- right). Yes I was angry. Yes I acted out my anger.

When I got older I became the golden child. I got 2 degrees graduating with the honors people get and was asked to join associations. I was a federal disaster nurse. I went to countries in Africa to give vaccines- my parents are "so proud of me"- garbage.   

I then again became the scapegoat-by exposing my dad's lies he has used all his life as an excuse for his actions. I ask for the truth- now why did dad really have to retire when he just turned 55 y/o because he could handle all the stress?
Problem child- I got a divorce from diagnosed psychopath/NP- my parents loved him at the time and now say they warned me of him for years. But I was overly emotional and needy. Now, I just a problem, in the way, causing problems for everyone. I'm crazy and unstable. 

My dad (NP) is in the hosp. He told my mom, who told me, his nurse's sister had abusive divorce with possible NP/psychopath. He describes her situation similar to mine. Her ex is Psychologist/ mine in psychotherapist. Both picked up and moved to other states with another woman. Both trashed us financially BUT includes she has 4 kids, stopped payments on house and cars. She is homeless, with 4 kids and without job. Playing game of one up-man's ship. 'Her issues are worse than your issues and you are such a disappointment because she can handle it'.

He explained the woman experienced all of this without trauma, no PTSD or CPTSD. Basically saying- what is your problem- see other people can have similar things happen but they are ok. SHAME. SHAME SHAME, worthless, stupid, over emotional, overly tender.

Well, --my dad is NP. Both sisters have had ability to shame me and rip my life to shreds using me as target practice all my life. It seems as though that gives them joy and happiness.
I won't compare my life with someone else's. But I'm hurt and angry he through that in my face so shortly after his emotional attacks and my surgery. Maybe she is doing well (I truly hope so) because she doesn't have NP dad and sisters who find delight in using me for target practice.

My thought is - why should I date? I have books and a cat, so I'm safe

Boy I feel that way.
The only time I feel as though I am comfortable with people is when I'm at work. I'm a nurse and I like talking to my patients. I'm not aware of the pain or fear. I don't feel as though I have to open up. I'm happy focusing on the person.

I know I'm suppose to feel as though I want to be around others. The problem is I feel too needy. I feel afraid. If someone yells at me, I freeze. People think I'm an idiot. I can hear them talk about me. (no it's not paranoia). Nurses are mean to each other.

Other part of shoulder surgery-
My dad had to have surgery yesterday.
About a week ago my dad told my mom he had to go to rehab because his psychiatrist was afraid I would take over care and he would be helpless. We see the same psychiatrist and I called him. He said he brought it up because of my shoulder surgery and my mom having difficulty taking care of him.  So the lies begin.

My parents had gone to my post op visit. The nurse brought me back and closed the door to take out sutures. The PA opened door slightly and asked if my dad could come in and I said after the sutures were out. The doc came right after, closed the door and began talking to me. After a minute or so, I said to hold on and went to get my parents. I told him I wanted my parents there. After a little over a minute, the doc got up and closed the door again. I got up and opened door. My parents came in. My dad with NP smile and charm.
My mom asked about me driving and doc said legally no but people normally drive after 2 weeks. I asked about going home (facial expression- pleading to say yes) he said he thought it would be fine as long as someone could get ice.

My dad was talking to my sister saying I was doing all the things the doc said not to do and was going to drive. He said I shut the door in his face so they couldn't talk to the doc. I heard that and walked by. I said "tell the truth". My dad said "Shut up D'Ann". Same voice tone, same facial expression, same everything he would do right before he would beat the tar out of me. I panicked, got angry and began to shake.
That's when I told my mom she had to take me home. My dad went to get ice. I tried to tell her the things he had been telling me for years about her including if he was having a problem, she would walk over him to get by.
My dad got back before I could finish packing and my mom told him I was leaving. He said something acidic which I couldn't understand. She asked if he had ever said the things I told her and of course he lied.

My mom asked if I would go with them to hosp for surgery because he loves me so much and would be so hurt. All I could do was cry and say "same voice tone, same facial expression, same everything right before he would beat the tar out of me".  Thursday night I finally said I would go.
He didn't talk to me on way to hosp. Right before he went in to surgery, he gave sickening sweet smile and said I love you so much.  I told him I loved him.
After surgery and he felt better, he called my flying monkey sisters and mom, not me. Last night my mom said she would tell me how he was doing after she got home. The target which I am felt hurt she didn't ask me to go.
Today he called my mom and sisters, not me. Again feel hurt he was giving me the silent treatment.

Well, I survived my shoulder surgery and staying with my parents. I tried to get out of it but they wouldn't believe me when I said I'd be ok with home health.

After surgery, the doc said he didn't know how I could use my arm because of the damage. There are a lot of studies talking about ability to have high tolerance to pain. My doc went from telling me Ultram was highly addictive to prescribing me 90 tabs of oxycodone (take 3 every 4 hours, if pain worse, take 4.-not as PRN) and extended release Oxycodone. PT to start in 4-6 wks.

At times it was ok but tolerable. At one point, I couldn't handle my dad's anger and had to leave. I told my mom either she could bring me home or I would call a cab. She brought me home.

I was so triggered I couldn't sleep. Sat with back against wall facing door with gun in my lap. I was afraid he'd break in and hurt me. He has tried to break in before.

BoatSetSailRose-
I don't fake emotions well at all. I don't know what happened. It seemed as though one day I woke up and couldn't fake it anymore.  My attempts to 'people please' or 'suck up' to someone is painful to watch.

You don't need to match her mood. I believe part of being an adult means another person can be highly emotional (up or down) and another doesn't have take on that energy to join with them.
I've been really excited about something before and the best thing which happened was the person acknowledged my happiness and energy.
You didn't sound rude. I didn't hear anything you did as inappropriate.

Maybe isn't an issue as easy as not being able to relate to others. Maybe it's what is going on at the time.
It's funny-- or not-- I can visualize myself in that situation.

I realize this is an extreme example but if someone is all excited about NASCAR (sorry any NASCAR fans) and is bubbling over telling me about which driver did what and how, my response is - I shake my head up and down as in 'yes', I say "yep, ookk, ggreaatt". My brain is saying "why are they telling me this?" The look on my face is confused.

I see you have a great ability to observe and gain insight. 

Trees:
Thank you. That's a good idea.
Yesterday my mom insisted taking me to the MD office for consult because I now have nerve impingement in the lower arm they want to do surgery shoulder on.   
When the person called me back to the room, I told my mom I'd be back. Well she followed me without me knowing. While I was walking, she started to straighten something on my blouse collar (that didn't need straightening). When I felt someone grabbing onto the back of my blouse, it really scarred me. I started to turn around and either confront the person. I don't know because people don't usually come up from behind. I realized it was her and said nothing.
She sat in the room and when the nurse was there asking me questions, my mom started telling me about coupons for the grocery store. I looked at the nurse and bit my lower lip. She half smiled and looked at me like she understood. (her back was towards my mom). She said the MD would be in.
He came in and introduced himself. My mom introduced herself and commented that he wasn't wearing socks and smiled at me. He looked at me and then her and said "yes, you're right". I thought 'mom you aren't here for comments, you are acting like --?.
He began telling me about my nerve and how things would have to change for the position of my arm after surgery.  My mom started in with her comments and I put my arm/hand out in the 'no-get back position' and said  "Mom, you need to .." ( I was starting to tell her leave). He looked into my eyes, interrupted her and said "let's start the exam." 
I felt embarrassed and I shut down. I didn't get the chance to ask any questions I wanted to know. I'll ask the other MD when I see him.
My parents want to go to the pre-op mtg. I can't allow them to go.
Last night I called my dad and told him what she did. He understands that part. I told him it was not going to be safe for me to be staying at their house and needed to talk to him. He understands that part of her.

I can arrange to get a cab to the hospital and back, I can have someone come from an agency to help.

Ovarian cancer- a long time to recover and need help. Without family can be done, but, I get it. You are a good woman. 

Hi Trees
Unfortunately I am 57 y/o. assisted living facilities require Medicare/Medicaid.

When I moved back to North Carolina in 2008, I knew no one. When I left Florida, people believed my ex SP/NP.

The only people I have contact with are on FB from my high school - in Ohio.

I've worked on this for almost 2 hrs. I'm kicking into beating myself up. I have to journal on this. 

Trees:
Thank you.

Woodgnome: I'm going to check out the book

arpy1: my cat is on my lap and purring. She seems to like you company

Everyone: Wow. Thank you

Trees- oh my gosh you have no clue how much your words touched my heart.
That's the best sign of hope I think I ever have had in my life.
I have no words enough to say thank you. 

Woodsgnome: I really like the phrase at the bottom of your posts. It helps to see it and remind myself of it.