Elpha's new adventure

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear.  I definitely don't like having them but can appreciate the change in the narrative at least

[Sceal]

I think it's great that you managed to stand up to your abuser and win the  fight in your nightmare!
I know some T's use dreams and nightmares in their therapy and making the patient change the nightmare, by saying what she would have done different if she could have. And slowly by slowly retaking control that way - but it seems your unconcious is already making you do that!

[DecimalRocket]

Wow. I didn't know there could be victories even in sleep. That's great progress. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you both. It is a good victory, my nightmares are normally very different.

Sceal, I did that with a nightmare right before the first of the year. It was a different nightmare, and different memory narrative, but changing it them helped me stop having it for a time. It is the same with regular memories. My T is good about letting me go through them like that to process them.

Decimal, I think there can be victories everywhere. Although in sleep is a new one

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
I haven't read your actual dream, but I just wanted to say that it sounds like you're making progress with changing the endings - and that sounds really positive. 
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Hope 

My therapy session today was very powerful, processing things with my old flute prof again. Emdr is truly a wonderous modality. Hit on some frustration but then truly grief. It ended with a very powerful feeling. Felt some of my choice back, and just this healing bit. Recognizing that I am starting to claim back a piece of me, that she no longer controls me.

There is also a very strong defense mechanism that I built in. Recognizing that I did dissociate a lot to separate the pain from it at the time. To cut the part of me away, very strong dissociation as a survival tactic. Meaning the part of me does exist it just got separated. Which is how it has felt as I have been exploring this again.

I recognize there is still a great deal of fear surrounding feeling excited and passionate. I have a part of me that holds excitement and passion, but it is fragile and something I feel like I have to protect. There is a fear to feel that passion for anything, not just music. For philosophy, or finding a career to help people, or for even just day to day hobbies etc. There is a fear o let myself feel that's passion too much because I need to protect it. We worked on releasing some, but she recognizes that we can't get rid of that fear until it feels safe to let go of it, which it doesn't now.

I have been feeling this pressure to choose a career path, to figure out where my life was going. But it isn't time tim choose because I can't let that's passion be felt yet. It is why I have been able to choose, because I need a true burning passion and have that tucked away for now. It will hopefully come in time, but I need to learn to give myself that time. To not feel so much pressure in my upcoming birthday. I turn 24 in about a month and I think has been bringing up so much pressure and dread because I am not where's I have it all figured out.

This is all I have energy to type for now but know there will be more to come

[Elphanigh]

I did eventually feel a bit of the energy zap that EMDR can create. It is really good to have gotten a bit of powerful energy before hand though.

This morning I am more in tune with the bits of grief I was processing yesterday. For some reason, I can't cry in my T office yet. It has only happened once in a year. Yesterday was very close but just never got to the point I could. Maybe that is a sign that grief isn't as overwhelming as it has been in the past, or it is simply my inability to cry in front of most people. There have been a few in my life I could but only a few.

For me back then I had lost a home, or my version of it. Music and the stage were my home, and there were very few moments in college that it felt like that . Mattter of fact, a close friend of mine drove me home last night and pointed out the fact that she had not heard me say that I felt like I wanted to go just play flute for hours since very early our freshman year. I said it last night to her, which prompted this. I lost that part of myself so early on, it was like an entirely different relationship with music for the last five years. My T noted that she thinks there was a lot of dissociation, which I was able to use when I was young but didn't think I had used as much as I got older. It feels right now, with the way these feelings and pieces are coming back to me.

I was forced to give up s home, the only truly good home I had ever had. That would break a girl's heart very understandably so. I need to let this process do what it will, I think. Try not to push music into being that place again. It is too much pressure for me to expect of myself. It is good to have it back, and I do get really joyful but I can't  expect it to be completely what it was. I can't  expect myself to ever want and dream of that career again. If I do, than that is good, but if I don't that is also okay. Having this bit of my soul back is important as is

I feel like music has become such a large piece of my healing. It is interesting how it was part of my survival and now it is part of my healing.

[sanmagic7]

dearest el, i'm very glad your therapy is going well, that you're being able to release some of what doesn't benefit you anymore.  that's so great.

talking about passion for something.  that's how i felt about being a therapist.  i was passionate about it, felt like it was where i belonged and what belonged with me in my life.  unfortunately, it was cut short.   i had to run away, and eventually became too sick to be able to do it anymore, even on my own time, in my own home.

it sounds like your passion is changing into something, like you said, that used to be for survival and is now part of healing.  i think that's part of what i do here - resurrect some of my therapy stuff on this forum as part of my healing now.  funny how that works.

i would have never thought of it that way except for you speaking of your passion that way.  thanks for that.  i know that you will figure out what's right for you eventually.   you have so much 'eventual' before you, and i'm so very glad about that for you.  you are a lovely being, el.  love and a warm hug to you.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, San. Your words always give me hope and encouragement 

I hope I can feel that passion towards something again. It will take a while to allow myself to do so. I have three career options in front of me, but I need to have access to my passion and inner fire to decide that for myself. I need to figure out where my heart lies the most. For now, it is still stuck under a layer of fear and apprehension.

I am glad this space gives you a way to do some of that for yourself as well. It is good to be in touch with that, even though you could not continue it for too long

I hope that there is in fact a lot of of eventual ahead of me. I have never been sure of that

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Elpha. It's tough to make life decisions like these but I'm glad you've at least be able to form an idea of what you don't know. That's the start of it.

Just a suggestion, Elpha. But you might want to look at Cal Newport's book, "So Good They Can't Ignore You," where he provides evidence against for the idea that passion is found, but argues that it can be created, and tells people how to do so.

Whatever decisions you make, I trust that after all the hard work you've done, you'll figure this out too.

[Elphanigh]

Decimal, I will definitely look into that book. It sounds really intriguing, and like something I really need right now. Thank you for always having faith in all my hard work, and constantly having such valuable insights 

[Elphanigh]

I haven't posted in this journal in a week, that is a long time for me. So much has happened, and I have posted elsewhere about it. However, today this feels like the place to come. I haven't really be able to read other people's posts, which means I have also not been moderating. My goal is to step back into that role on Monday, or maybe later tomorrow night. Not going to rush this.

I have found my ability to cry today, as much as I didn't want to cry it is a sign of progress here. It shows me more in my adult self because I am feeling a grief for that 5 year old part of me. I am no longer in her fear and terror. Crying is cleansing too, it has been days of extreme emotions and experiencing some of my horrors again. Things I wish I could forget and just most on, even though I know it will never work like that. The only way to heal is to go through because I do and will always have my memories.

All that being said, I am exhausted emotionally. I have had to take off work a couple of days this week and allow myself to not get house work done. It has been all I can do to continue to work on being less dissociated and in the younger part of myself.  It seems as if I am finally getting out of that but that coming out presents its own challenges and emotions. Thus the crying of cleansing tears. I want to feel like I will get back to my normal but it is so difficult to believe at this point. There is a lot left to process and I know Tuesday's session will only begin this process again. Hopefully with no massive triggers the next day but it will keep the emotions and memories alive.

This journey is important, and it will give me more out of my life later. For now though it feels like it sucks so much from me. Hard to keep my head up through all of it. I am a generally positive, and strong person but it is difficult to stay positive all the time. I know there is progress in all of this, and I am facing new bits of my trauma.. I just have to keep telling myself it is worth it.

In session many things stuck with me, but in particular after I told my T one of the reasons I am so scared of doctors in general. I have a memory of being around 10 (after I had broken my collar bone) and was at the doctor and had to take all my clothes off. My mom was there and told me it was okay even though I told her I didn't want to. After that it gets to be blurry, I have no idea what happened after that bit. I just feel some panic and fear surrounding it. No way to tell if anything more happened or if it was just a trigger for me that caused me to dissociate. I am still not entirely sure how to feel about it tbh.

I go back fully tomorrow, I am determined to really be able to do what I need to. I tried on Friday and managed my barista job, but have not gotten to do my serving job yet. I am determined to rock it tomorrow, to come back out of the shell I feel like I am in. Here's hoping this healing night will be what I need it to be.

Going to go sit on the porch I think.

[sanmagic7]

the porch sounds like a good idea after what you've been thru. 

take all your clothes off for a collar bone?  my sister broke both of hers, that didn't happen either time.  no wonder the whole thing is blurry for you.  just the idea of sitting there with no clothes would be enough to undo someone, especially at that age.

so much strength, perseverance, determination, el.  i give you so much credit.  you're going thru such a rough part of this process right now.  holding your hand if you want - i don't want you to feel alone.

love and a warm, gentle hug for you, dearest el.

[Elphanigh]

San, the porch is a great idea right now,

Yes, honestly I am not sure if it was for the collar bone or if it was a general check up that happened to coincide with it. Although I had so few general check ups that that I am pretty sure it was mostly arm based. Makes one wonder... and me just shudder a little because I don't know.

I am glad you see strength and perseverance in me. It feels like all I am doing it trying and fighting... that it will continue to just be that for a while. I know I am going through an intense phase of healing work, that I am going through some really difficult beginning stages. I am trying to remind myself this is the tough part. Going through each of my worst memories, unintentionally but that is kind of what is happening. I am processing things for the first time in most cases. It is a lot to discover and to feel... this process is exhausting and I am hoping there is a reprieve in the future, that this journey is not always so crazy making.

San I will gladly hold your hand. I definitely need to not feel alone. Knowing you are here truly helps me 

[sanmagic7]

always with you, el, always.  you sweet, precious thing you.  this, too, shall pass.  it will get easier eventually.  much love and a big hug