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I'm finding it hard to engage with life at the moment as It's as if I'm mortally tired of trying. Tired of trying to manage the shifting parts of myself, tired of trying to be enough and get it right.

I'm dissociative and have many fragments and parts. For instance, I have a good job and can be really sociable and bouncy and enthusiastic.
But when I go home there is another set of "me"s that are so automatic and heavy and stuck it has been hard to see where they kick in, all I feel is the heavy bloated confused misery that is those parts.
So I've been trying to find those parts. I think I am making progress because I think I am beginning to get a sense of who they are.
They are holding me really trapped and I can see that but until I heal them....

For instance, I get a powerful icy panicky loneliness at weekends where my son is away. Sometimes I can plan things and others I just am capable of nothing more than hiding. My house becomes a mess and I feel shocked at how alone I am - always have been . Somewhere inside I cannot believe it is true, that I was supposed to be and have so much more than this.
So I look at other people's ordinary functionality and family life and the fact they don't dread their home life and feel really inadequate.
If I think about it changing, - meeting someone, getting a family life, I panic. I cannot imagine someone here. I can't ever find anyone. I find men approaching me terrifying. I convince myself there is no one left out there. And with people I often feel so worthless and bad and empty I just want to run away.
And so I vacillate between not being able to bear the loneliness and panic at their being no hope.

Lately I've promised myself to go out and experience people differently and I'm slowly doing it. Sometimes I retreat into my fear and call it off, and often my stuff kicks in and spoils it so I want to stop, but sometimes I've had a good time. And so there is a tiny grain of hope that wasn't there before.

I know it will take a lot of hard work to change.
Meanwhile I am trying to heal the terrifying parts that kick in at home. Up to now they have been too scary and full of such immense pain I didn't dare, but bit by bit I am getting the courage to sit with the feelings. I have come across Dr Jonice Webb and her childhood emotional neglect posts and that, and all my therapy learnt tricks, are slowly getting there.

I woke up yesterday and in that half world between waking and sleeping saw very clearly how awfully nasty and cruel my family were compared to how families are supposed to be places of love and succour, and I truly understood why I am so afraid, so self hating, so lonely.
That is painful but frees up mourning rather than stuckness. It feels more hopeful - at times. I think I am starting to grieve the absence of that vital mother love and security and all the cruelty I endured.
There is a part of me that does not want to be conscious, cannot bear to exist. It has wiped out anything of  meaning for me at the moment but I am trying not to panic and dismiss it as depression. It is only by feeling it that it is processed and the understanding comes. I just have to trust that one day I will be able to feel loved and involved and just worry about normal everyday human pain as opposed to this primal stuff slung round my neck.

I found it difficult to read your post, having been at the mercy of nasty narcissists myself, but so very true.
(I grew up in a family full of them and I was their scapegoat)
The damage of intimidation, craziness, nastiness and attack is very profound and incredibly damaging and no less for not being overt sexual or physical abuse. It's hard to even see the wounds and cruelty as it fills the air around you and attacks reality itself.
I'm so sorry for what you went through.

thanks! I'll join in too xx

I've noticed I feel a bit guilty posting and taking up space.

And then when people reply I feel really touched that they have done so (it feels like I've been told it's ok for me to have posted) and then guilty - I don't deserve this kindness and interest.
I then feel like I have to then give something back - like I'm in debt somehow and ungrateful or not a nice person.

Interesting that the guidelines to the site encourage you to post about your healing first and helping others second. When I read that it felt quite powerful and great to know the site is being moderated in such a good way. Maybe I can experiment with that permission and what it's like to be worth someone's comments and cyberhugs.

Anyone else relate to this?

HI I'm in the uk too
I'd say it's all one big lump of intertwining threads.  Trauma represents lumps of festering pain and fear that when triggered leave you anxious or as vague unease all the time. I also think that with CPTSD you feel so many things at once it becomes an amorphous blanket of grey pain which can feel like depression.
Therapy teases it all out slowly and starts to make sense of things. And then at the bottom of it there's the grief - once you clear the trauma you have to mourn what happened to you and what you lost  - and that masquerades as depression. For me, often long bouts of it because it is so hard for me to feel sadness and grief.

EMDR totally rocks. In my experience the CBT side of things helps to understand processing what the EMDR churns up, and is useful in going out into the world after to do things differently, but for me I needed and still need the EMDR to clear out stuff that nothing else would reach and that was too painful to tolerate eg preverbal stuff that rational thought cannot get at. Everything helps a bit though...

I still sometimes look back at what I've uncovered and can't believe it's me- the dissociated memories were never part of my life schema because they were too much to bear, so they were always going to feel "not me". But then I look at the huge pain and difficulties I have had and I think, yes it must have happened in order for me to be so traumatised and affected. Accepting it all is hard and an ongoing process.

That was good to read Barbidoll and makes such sense. It's so hard getting a perspective on how you're doing as a parent and then there's all the cPTSD shame and confusion on top. And guilt.It is just hard being the parent when your own inner child is in so much pain.

I do agree with what you're saying completely. I guess I let him know when I'm struggling but he sees me get up and fight and come back and sees what I achieve on the days I feel better.. We talk about emotions and difficult things which can only help him I suppose.
I always vowed to treat him as I'd like to be treated and sometimes I think I've done better with having a total absence  of role models and just relying on first principles. I suppose I'll never know how much my difficulties have helped or hindered him  - I suppose with all upbringings, it's swings and roundabouts.

All I want is that he never suffers like I do.  I suppose he knows he is deeply loved and I am there for him whatever, so in that way at least he never will and maybe that's the only bit we have control over anyway with our kids.

thanks lexx, hug gratefully received xx

Well, I managed to go out with some work colleagues last night. I should applaud myself as not so long ago it would be hard to go out period let alone when I'm having a bad time.

But, these girls are all a bit younger than me, all just newly married, young kids. all lovely bright sassy young women. Out of work context I immediately felt so inadequate with them, almost embarrassed that I'd thought I was ok with them at work, in case they could really see who I was all the time I thought I was ok. Ashamed that I don't understand the happy acceptance of life they showed, the belonging and involvement, the mother and sister and brother and people they are hanging out with and belonging to. I didn't understand their easy confidence and vitality and ability to just belong and engage and be - all I could think about was the untidy lonely emptiness of my house that day, my struggle to get up, the lonely confusion and crazy stuff about work I'd been battling all day.
It's not a new feeling, I get it a lot. I felt boring invisible and shameful. As if I wasn't welcome or liked. I forced myself to add things to the conversation and I did ok I think but always critical of myself. And underneath I just felt a horrid, familiar shame bleakness and hopeless. The part of me that feels this stuff ( that is usually too hard to bear so I did well sitting with it last night) decided several times during the evening it's hopeless and too much and I no longer should exist. And I felt panicky because I just can't seem to heal enough, can't seem to find my place or get people to love me, or let them love me.

Lately I've been going out a lot more. My therapist said just to try stuff and experience people differently so that's what I've been doing. 100 nights out. I'm at 11!
I've gone to meetup groups for cuddle workshops, pub quizzes and a rock choir. I have enjoyed some of them very much, others not so much. On the face of it, I should be proud because it is not easy for me to do this. Or parts of me at least ( there is a part of me that is very outgoing and loves people and can actually do groups very well) But last night it all felt so pathetic. Because here I am, older than this lot, and I don't know or understand or can do a fraction of what they do and i'm still stuck at baby street. Intimidated and scared of what they do without thinking.
And not only that but I doubt my worth to them now and feel intimidated by their sheer normality and functionality and that makes me even more scared of letting them close to me. It's like the grief of all the absences and losses and bullies is my fault and a shameful shameful thing.
Oh yes and i'm envious of them, but more i'm just tired. Tired of trying to catch up and plug the gaps and try and work out what's missing in me that's still broken and missing and empty. I've worked so hard at this stuff for so so long.
Yes i'm going out more and yes on the outside I guess no one would notice any of this stuff. But inside I feel hopeless, tired, demoralised. I want to get up in the morning and want life to feel enticing or at least ok-  and have things to do that don't seem pathetic to me, that say I belong and I'm "just living" . Rather than searching on meetup for things to do, people to momentariiy share, ways to fill the hole.
My son allows me to feel like that, for a while. But I can't live in him and sometimes I tell him bits of this just so someone knows then feel agonisingly bad that I shouldn't be telling him. But I can't do that pretending * with him, it feels wrong. I keep telling myself I offer him lots of other parts of me too and he is a very settled happy loving and kind lad so I must do enough right by him. I'm allowed someone, right?
How do you ever manage to grieve all this stuff, how do you get to the point it is no longer agonising? It's so hard.

Thankyou for being beautiful people - Barbidoll, Andyman, ah! I loved everyone of those emojis and the invisible ones too. Thank you
I feel humbled that you stopped by and listened and cared. Still feels like something I don't deserve and I am really touched.

"I try to remind myself the reason is it really was a life and death situation in the past. I was in more danger than I give myself credit for"  - spot on! Yes we were and we were made to feel pathetic and wrong for being hurt, upset and then angry when actually we were damned amazing to survive it in anything like one piece -  and we still are. Yes I do the self hatred so well too!

Isn't it scarey how many people out there are hurtful and manipulative and so so ready and willing to recreate the same miserable situation you know so well from your childhood. It still shocks me when the scales fall off your eyes and you see who you partner or colleague or friend really is and how unloving they have been. But then I think I invite them in and duitifully play my part.

Here's to breaking free guys!!
(PS At this point i'm ashamed to say- how do I insert an emoji???)

HP xxx

Having a bit of a rough day today.
A couple of weekends ago, I spent a weekend at a gestalt therapy group and there was this woman there who triggered me (and I her) and we clashed heads a bit. It really kicked me big time into panic and huge body reactions- heart pounding, terror and wanting to run away and a whole host of overwhelming emotions and confusion. I was terrified of being attacked by the group and appearing out of control and angry and crazy because that's how I feel in conflict. It was so hard to stay with it and it continued apace when I got home, for days....
And anger, at every little thing. It's been so hard to sit with, but gradually I've seen how it flares up as a defence against my shame, my fear, and whenever I feel unheard, unsupported, uncared for, ( which to be honest, is all the time!)
I've realised I've never had anyone to stand up for me. From a nasty sociopathic paedophilic grandma to a highly abusive, bullying scapegoating family to a similar situation in my ex's family ( all alone against them) and also a similar dynamic playing out at work, I've never had any one to turn to, no ally, no wisdom or perspective, no one on my side, no one coming to check i'm ok.
To be honest the last two weeks have been awful, and today is a very low day.
But at least I'm starting to see some patterns - at work one of my partners always has to be in control and either ignores what I say or just goes ahead anyway with what he wants, and the manager just dismisses and lectures me. I've found myself starting to see through their patterns, taking it less personally, and recognising that they will not listen to my pleading or arguments or pointing out what's going on because they are not caring, " people" people and unlike me who wants everyone to be happy, couldn't care less if I was happy so long as they get their own way. Dressed up as being reasonable of course. I realise how I've been replaying old patterns, feeling powerless and seething, unable to be heard and afraid of disapproval and shame.
But now I see how I collude with it, because it doesn't matter if they're angry with me really does it.. they aren't my goddamn family anymore. They don't respect me so why do I try so hard?
So I've decided I need to just hold my boundaries, and refuse to react to their behaviours that push me back into a frustrated voiceless box, Easy enough in theory butInevitably it has brought up more  fear shame and guilt as I break an old pattern and challenge a taboo.
On top of which I'm feeling heartbroken today as finding  this bullied, abandoned part of me has brought a jhuge sack of hopelessness, and loneliness like an icy shard, and I am struggling to put one foot in front of the other today in a way that feels bleak and scary.

I KNOW feeling the pain is the way through, I've done it a trillion times before, but each time it's bad you wonder if you can make it this time, or is this the time you crack into a million lost pieces. And you despair of it ever ever feeling any better.
Breaking taboos, enduring strong emotions, facing the terrible betrayals and abandonment and living in mortal fear of retribution... all a bit much for a Friday

thank you I hope so
I seem to be coming alive bit at a time and feeling things I don't really understand after years I suppose of being dissociative, codependant scared  and shut down.
Feels like a roller coaster but a mostly exciting one. Almost watching myself in life now experiencing it in a different way
I guess it will settle down
Thank you for commenting, it meant a lot to me

hang in there Blueberry. Once you start to feel "real" feelings they are scarey and it's hard to believe they will pass, but it's much cleaner somehow than the morphed rubbish of stuff we feel all the time before we dare face the real stuff. And honestly, if you do it fully and bravely, it does really clear stuff.
How do you eat an elephant?
One bite at a time!

Feeling the pain. Not just the obvious stuff, but all the yukky nasty shameful horrid stuff. Promising to be with yourself no matter what comes up, sitting with it and just accepting it. Going wherever it takes you. Facing the unfaceable.

You have to find yourself in all its forms - even after I'd cleared masses of trauma I still had parts that were shameful, grieving, furious and afraid to live. Only by really letting them take centre stage have I moved from a place where nothing seemed to help to really feeling something has changed and really understanding what it is to be on my own side.
I'd lived life in drab grey and I didn't feel I had a right to be here. Now it's coloured and hopeful and I can choose things like who I like, what I think who I am. It still feels mighty mighty weird!

The deep level grieving can only happen when you're ready and once you've healed enough of the onion rings, but your inner wisdom will lead you when you are ready - when you are grab it with both hands

There's a bit of a story here I want to share because it feels silly to try to talk to any of my friends about it. I guessed you guys might understand.

I've been working on my recovery a long time and recently started to work at the really deep stuff about self worth, intimacy, being seen - and facing my fear of people.
One day my therapist said that she'd been, with her husband to series of dancing classes over 3 months. She said it occurred to her that it would be a good thing for me to try something like that as what she'd found was that over the course of the class she'd got to practise dance moves with a succession of partners and to experience how she felt with each one. I t had made her think of me and how useful it would be. Some made her feel comfortable, held and supported, others uncomfortable, a few even repulsed. She said I needed a safe simple environment without complexity to just experience different people without them wanting something from me or triggering me to run.
At the time I kind of understood, and did look into it but everything I found was too distant or seemed too scarey. I don't think I was truly ready at the time.
However, what I did find was a "cuddle" workshop, a safe place "to explore platonic touch". I discussed it with her and she thought it'd be great - on some level my nervous system would be able to experience touch in a safe way and start to heal.
So fast forward a few months and I've been to several. At first I found myself just wanting the touch. And still feeling wary scared and judgemental of people and slightly repulsed by the whole thing. But I did think I felt different in myself.  And then slowly it has become a place to explore my boundaries, daring to be myself and resist what others want from me. As an abuse victim I have never had that concept before. So it has become less about the touch but more about listening to me and listening to how I feel with people. Exactly what my therapist wanted!!!
At times it has felt weird and I have resolved not to go again, and then something happens that hits you deeply and you realise what a great place it is to learn. I had one experience of giving a chap a shoulder massage, someone obviously in a lot of need, who suddenly grabbed my arms and held me to him as if his world would break. I had no idea how to handle or process that but it was a profound moment that stayed with me for days.....For someone who has shied away from any relationship (after a very traumatic marriage and long childhood history) for over 10 years it was odd to experience being held... memories stirred of pleasant times, of being enough:, confused, momentary and odd, but nonetheless real.

Meanwhile over the last few months I've done some real grieving and facing shame and found myself freed in ways I find it hard to explain. I found "me" again, somewhere in there. Uncertain but there. And so started to embrace much more of what my therapist intended about exploring being with people. I made a deal with myself to just go out and experiment, to promise to go to 100 social events and just experience being with people in a new way - now that I was in a better place, much freer of fear and projections and judgements.
So I have. I'm only on 6 ( and  still having to talk myself out of wimping out each time!! ) and already I have learnt so much, observing things in people and our interactions that before were lost in my panic and projection and shame.
I've started to feel warmth, connection, see other's defences operate, been able to explore holding onto me and not being pulled into other's worlds or dramas. I am experiencing being enough and occasionally seeing value in myself. WOW!!
It has been exciting even if at times the old panic has arisen.
So what I really wanted to talk about was the cuddle workshop I attend this weekend as something happened I don't really understand but was so lovely. For someone who has been so confused and controlled and uncertain about men it is hard to figure out!
There were 12 of us and you do various exercises that set boundaries and build up connection. Then you have a break and a cuppa and then start again with more exercises. During the cuppa we were idly chatting and I asked one of the men, who only vaguely been on my radar and who had introduced himself at the start as feeling sad that day, where he was from. Sure he was quite cute but that wasn't it. As he responded there was just this amazing connection between us. Soft, lovely, mutual, intense, joyous and really open. It wasn't like any attraction I'd felt before. It wasn't even attraction. It was just this exploding sense of joy and belonging and mutual connection and it was beautiful. It quite literally took my breath away.
I just felt like we LIKED each other and there was just this bond. It was weird. Anyway I had no idea what to do. I have a pattern of chasing unavailable men and the generosity of this guy's attention to me was just - well, there aren't words. Usually I get embarrassed and feel cornered by someone's interest in me and eye contact is excrutiating for me but this was so different, it was liberating and emboldening.
During the next half an hour we exchanged a few really connected smiles, all feeling equally lovely. And then we separated in different groups and we seemed to lose the connection, and my inner doubts started and I noticed he had a wedding ring. In the last exercise when he was being held by someone he cried and then he was withdrawn and left fairly quickly at the end  -without any of the connection of earlier. (I know THAT feeling too well. Bereft , mistaken, not able to understand or capitalise on something. Disappointed.)
I just wanted to reflect on it because it seems important. I probably sound like a teenager to the rest of you, but for someone so damaged and exposed only to nasty narcissistic people, this is all new. If that is what real connection is then I'm hungry for it.
I feel like I've always missed out on love and connection and always people are married or otherwise engaged.  For a brief moment it felt like there was only him and I  and I and it wasn't a sexual connection but almost a soul thing. As if everyone else in the room should disappear and leave us in that bubble just to smile inanely at each other. I just wanted to hold him.
I guess he felt it too? Something like that has to be a mutual thing, doesn't it? Maybe not maybe it's just new for me.
I know next to nothing about him I have no idea what's going on back at home for him. Maybe he isn't looking for what I am.

Sorry for babbling.  I guess I'm after some feedback and I've only just started to come alive and realise connection love and how wonderful other human beings can be after a lifetime of isolation abuse and indifference. 
My very wise therapist was right. I need to experience a different way of being with people and the only way to do it is to do it.
Thank you for reading this!!

You're very welcome. I hope you find what you're looking for.

I'm sad so many people suffer symptoms from trauma physically and never manage to find the link or push a way through it.
.....So many people fighting this internal assailant they can't ever seem to outwit and having to believe they are disabled or ill in some way. It's a price none of us should have to pay for what was never our fault in the first place.