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Messages - Kbl17

#1
I just found out about CPTSD and i have to say, it makes total sense now why i feel like i cant get my life together. At 18 i married a 23 year old whom i had only known for a few short months. Over our 3 year marriage he had total control over me physically and emotionally. I felt like he would kill me before i would get away, and honestly, most days i wished for it. This man cheated on me, physically abused me, body shamed me, i was constantly "gaslighted". I had no idea if i was meeting dr jekyl or mr hyde day to day. Over time it seemed like i stopped being so afraid of him, an think i felt like i was provoking him to get it over with. I felt as if i had snapped. I caught myself planning how to kill him and decided to have a friend help me leave one day after work.
   I got a restraining order and did my best to stay away but something about him kept me. I felt i needed him. Fast forward 5 years. Ive been divorced for 5 years, i am remarried, and have children. Why after 5 years does his words and actions an face still flood my mind? He still contacts me, i have him blocked on social media but he emails me. I find it very messed up that i look for those emails. It flatters me?! This man who i fought so hard to get away from i now catch myself wanting his attention. My current husband has never hit me or tried too. I pretended for a long time that my ex didn't replay in my mind all the time but its consuming me now. My moods are a roller coaster, i cant stay faithful to my husband, and i do not trust him or anyone else. I am promiscuious almost like i cant even stop myself. When i feel feelings, like marrying my current husband i never stay for long. I use multiple sex partners to keep from feeling too much to get hurt. Last night my husband stayed out all night drinking, which has become normal. He came home an i tried provoking him i wanted him to say he hated me and he didnt love me. I wanted him to hit me?! I am so tired of this! What is wrong with me? 5 years i should be over it but it seems to just be getting bigger.