Hi Papillon,
Everything you have written is heart wrenching and cry worthy to me. Please give your self a break and realize that the way you feel about yourself is only because it's the way you were trained to feel about yourself - no one is born feeling that way and you are deserving of so much more.
You wrote:
I want someone to yell, scream in my face that I'm wrong. To get my act together. I want someone to motivate me with shame. I don't know how else to function. Therapy has taken away my ability to motivate myself in that way. Systematically stripping me of unhealthy coping skills. Now I'm a newborn babe with all the pressures of an adult life, all the memories of a traumatic youth, and feeling utterly clueless as to how to comfort myself and navigate these deep waters.
The old programming we have received can be comforting because it's all we have ever known and therefore familiar for us to navigate through. Feeling utterly clueless how to comfort yourself is a learned condition - it's exactly how you were wronged. Speak to yourself with the kindness of the most beautiful mind you know. All of the 'They know's' in your original post are awesomely symbolic of your inner strength. There's a lot there to love and build on.
Everything you have written is heart wrenching and cry worthy to me. Please give your self a break and realize that the way you feel about yourself is only because it's the way you were trained to feel about yourself - no one is born feeling that way and you are deserving of so much more.
You wrote:
I want someone to yell, scream in my face that I'm wrong. To get my act together. I want someone to motivate me with shame. I don't know how else to function. Therapy has taken away my ability to motivate myself in that way. Systematically stripping me of unhealthy coping skills. Now I'm a newborn babe with all the pressures of an adult life, all the memories of a traumatic youth, and feeling utterly clueless as to how to comfort myself and navigate these deep waters.
The old programming we have received can be comforting because it's all we have ever known and therefore familiar for us to navigate through. Feeling utterly clueless how to comfort yourself is a learned condition - it's exactly how you were wronged. Speak to yourself with the kindness of the most beautiful mind you know. All of the 'They know's' in your original post are awesomely symbolic of your inner strength. There's a lot there to love and build on.