the cheshire grin is the last to go - triggers

[sanmagic7]

i am moved beyond belief at this outpouring.  more tomorrow.  i have contacted my daughter to see if she's willing to use her paypal system, and will let you know.  a heartfelt thank you to all of you for your thoughts and concerns.  you are in my heart forevermore.

[Wife#2]

i am moved beyond belief at this outpouring.  more tomorrow.  i have contacted my daughter to see if she's willing to use her paypal system, and will let you know.  a heartfelt thank you to all of you for your thoughts and concerns.  you are in my heart forevermore.

As are you in ours, cherished friend.

[sanmagic7]

ok, the pm's have begun, so on to journaling.  these past 2 weeks have been such a roller coaster of emotions, decisions, discoveries, realizations - i'm just working on putting one foot in front of the other. 

my hub and i have been talking a lot about this, of course.  at one end of the spectrum is the love that we have for each other, at the other end is the continued unreliability, bickering, arguing, battling, and his lack of follow-thru.  that's what's let me down the most.  unfortunately, with this last 'caper', and his secrecy about what he was doing in the city last fri. besides getting his eye worked on, the trust is gone.  that's really hard to continue living with.

i began calling housing in ore. yesterday, about 15 places, only got thru to one of them, so more phone work today.  the one i got thru to is a gov't housing building, says there's a year wait, but he's sending an application.  the other places i tried to contact all talked about credit scores.  well, i have none.  haven't used a credit card since i came down here, am paying back my student loans thru my soc. sec., and ran out on other bills when i left.  i don't even want to go there as to what that might mean for me getting a place to live.  ugh!  one more fork in the fire.

i'm beginning to get inundated with  the hugeness of this project.  it's not just a move anymore - there's so much to consider.  it's like whack-a-mole all over again.  but i know it has to be done, and i'm the one who has to do the most of it.  i'll just keep envisioning a little apt. of my own where's there's trees and flowers and lots of green at the end of this road and continue walking it one step at a time, i guess.  i'd love to leave  by june 1.  i'm afraid that's extremely unrealistic, and it'll be more like 6 mos. or so.  can't think about that too much.

have i told all of you today how grateful i am for you?  love and hugs all around.

[Wife#2]

I don't want to be an ad for that website to check credit that's 'Free, really'. But, it does work and you don't have go be in the US to use it and you can be on computer OR on a smart phone, it works well either way. AND they give recommendations (that's how it's free, the recommendations are paid ads, but also helpful) on how to improve the score. AND, you can get a look at what's on your record right now. You may be pleasantly surprised! Or at least get an idea of a path to improving that number. Anyway, information is power at this stage.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, my dear.  my daughter also told me that i have extenuating circumstances cuz i've been in mexico all these years, haven't used a credit card.  so, along with your suggestions, i'm feeling better about it all.

this thurs. is my reg. doc appt. and i'm gonna ask his opinion on what was written about my eye, see what he says.  maybe i'll find out earlier than the 17th, which would be nice.  i've begun packing my books.  it's weird to look at the shelves and find them mostly empty.  hard to believe i'm leaving this place.

my hub reminded me this morning that when he and i first began getting together, i told him that it had been time for me to leave the states cuz my job there was done.  i'd totally forgotten about it, but i remember it clearly now.  besides running for my life, i knew that there was someone here who needed my help with healing.  it turned out to be both him and me. 

he's now been drug-free for nearly 16 yrs., has the respect back of the community here, some of his kids have now come back into his life, and he has devoted grandkids.   and, he did what i needed him to do to help me get well enough to continue on my way.  we saved each others' lives.  now, however, there are both my daughter and her roomies who need me, he believes, and my going back there is part of all this.  those two man-boys are very damaged by their mother, and i don't doubt the older one has c-ptsd as well. 

so, the journey continues.  we go and be where we are needed most, i think.  different for everyone.  but always just right, even if we're in the midst of there and there.  he and i are sad about the breakup - he admitted last night that he lost me because he didn't live up to his word - and i'll accept that.  so, packing time it is.  moving right along.

[Blueberry]

Powerful words, sanmagic, and so much self-awareness. 

[Elphanigh]

You have such a wonderful outlook on all that is going on. I am so proud of you for taking the steps  you need to for you in you life. I am here and encouraging you on this journey 

[Wife#2]

Dearest San, you two needed each other. A wonderful feeling. Love grew from there. Another wonderful feeling. But, needing each other is a cruddy reason to start or maintain a relationship. Because there never is a true balance of power or partnership. There is always one whose need is greater at this time, another whose need is greater another time. While in a healthy relationship, that also happens, it's not the same when two damaged people put themselves together.

It isn't with hate that you walk away. It's with change and improved mental and emotional health and with a better understanding of who you are and what you need in this life. He was exactly who you needed for a season. You were exactly who he needed for a season. You can always love him and want what's best for him and also walk away for your own sake.

You've both grown as much as either of you can grow and remain together. You've outgrown each other in a sense. Trying to keep the plant in the small pot will kill it. Let this change be as it must be. In stages, gradually but with a firmness of purpose. Let him know that you still love him, but that you can't allow certain boundaries to be crossed, even by a man you love.

It's OK to mourn the passing of this marriage. IT's OK to mourn the obvious signs that changes are coming. It's OK to be sad, nostalgic and even melancholy from time to time as this change approaches. It's a big change! So, touch the shelves that are now empty. Smile or shed a tear as you heart feels. Give yourself permission to feel it all. The love, the sadness, the anger (that it had to end), the happiness (at adventure, seeing your daughter), the relief, the frustration. It's all part of being the full human being that is SanMagic7. 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry and elphanigh, your support is, as always, most welcome and encouraging to keep up the strength i need for this to happen. 

wife2, yes, exactly.  we needed each other for a season, and both recognize that season has come to an end.  we will part with love and sadness, but also with a knowing that we have done truly remarkable things for each other and ourselves. 

i do believe life is a journey.  it has stops and starts, twists and turns.  there is muck, potholes, bumps, and sometimes even mountains to climb.  but there are also green fields, flowers, sunrises, and sure footing.  rainbows following a thunderstorm.  both stark and lush beauty.

people come and go for various reasons.   i am ending one adventure, hoping to start another.  when, how soon, i don't know.  i just found out that gofundme is not supported in mexico, so it looks like that avenue has been eliminated for me.  there will be another way.  i have faith.

[Candid]

... this last 'caper', and his secrecy about what he was doing in the city last fri.

That's a great shame, given the love you have for each other. I'm sure you must feel very torn.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, candid.  it's one of the reasons i want to leave as soon as i can.  it's so difficult emotionally.

today, i'm just very tired, weary, really.  so much mental gymnastics yesterday, plus continuing to pack.  i can only do a bit at a time as it is, but it wears me out. 

i'm re-thinking this eye doc appt.  maybe it's just my tired mind.  gotta think on it more.  my ins. is up june 1 here, would cost me another $500 to renew for another year (have i already said this?  i can't keep track anymore.  just thoughts swirling that i want to write down) and i'd rather save that money for my trip, so i'll be without health ins. starting next month.  that's part of the reason i wanna get out of here, too.  they can't really help me anymore, even tho i have all those tests scheduled for sept.  i hope to be gone by then.

just too tired.  take care, everyone.

[sanmagic7]

dealt with a lot of mental and physical stuff yesterday.  it looks like ex #1 is gonna help me by driving me and my stuff up to ore. if i or actually my hub can find someone with a truck big enough to get my stuff from here across the border.  he couldn't find anyone he knew yesterday, so that's on hold for right now.  hopefully, we'll get this settled today, and i can tie up the loose ends about where to meet my ex so we can get this show on the road as soon as possible.   he's been a much better ex than he ever was a husband.  go figger!

this is such the mexican way - no one knows anything (i don't mean to be racist, but i've been told this, that, or the other is gonna happen, and it just doesn't.  been through this sooooo many times since i've been here.  maybe it's just cuz of my hub - that's always a possibility.  i can't believe anything he says until i actually see it happen.)

so, i just keep putting things in crates, thinking about where this or that is, don't want to forget various things that i have stored around here.  i believe that if i leave it behind, i'll never see it again.  hub has talked about possibly renting our house out after i leave, says if he does he'd send me half the money.  i'll believe that when i see it.  he just really doesn't follow thru on what he says.

i did a variation on gofundme in an email to family, friends, and colleagues on the emdr listserve network i belong to.  we'll see if anything comes of that.  as far as anyone on this forum who'd wish to contribute, p.m. me, and i'll give you the address where to send the check, and my daughter's name to write the check out to.  no obligation, no expectation, no judgment.  you are all dear to me no matter what.

time to cook hub's food for the day.  i don't think i'm going to keep that eye doc appt.  when i get up there, everything will have to be done all over again anyway.  not going will save me an entire day of traveling, waiting,  and the stress that goes with it.  at this point, my focus is on getting out of here.

one foot in front of the other.  the crates are waiting.

[Kizzie]

One foot in front of the other is about all we can muster in some tough situations, but it's enough; one step at a time will get you out of there.  Sending much support, care and encouragement your way San    x 10

[sanmagic7]

thanks so much, kizzie.  right now it sure doesn't feel like it, but i know that what you say is true.

i said good-bye to some people today at the clinic.  very sad.  good people who have been in my life and helped me over the years with one illness and another. 

the coordination with getting my stuff up across the border is at a standstill right now.  it's like being promised so much, getting excited about it, then boom!  nothing happens.  the stress of this is getting to me physically, too, as well as through my brain and mind.  i was hoping to bring some of my mind-relaxing meds over thru the mail, but there's no guarantee that the package won't be opened at the border, so i could get nailed for controlled substances.    plus, i have a lot of vitamins and supplements that i've just opened not too long ago, and i've already lost a bunch in the past by not having them sealed in their bottles.  busted at the border for vitamins!  that was a horrific day!

all these little things are adding up.  my heart has been in this little town for more than 45 yrs.  it was my dream to settle down with my love and live here, die here.  at least i got part of that dream (altho it was with a different love).  but it's not what i was hoping for.  dagnabit! 

now the idea that i have to drive up to and over the border with some stranger scares me.  i've lost my trust, found my fear, and the combo isn't doing me any good at all.   i'm becoming a nervous wreck.  my hub keeps telling me not to worry about it, that he'll take care of it all, but that's not reassuring anymore.  his first attempt turned up absolutely nothing. 

then, this morning, i got a response from someone on the emdr list chewing me out for using the list inappropriatlely, and possibly reporting me to the moderator (i actually included the moderator in my plea).  that didn't feel good, either.  and my daughter told me that there are only  2 seats up front in a tuck in case she and her roomie end up being the ones to come get me.  that doesn't leave any room for me to go back with them.  another glitch to be dealt with.

one step in front of the other.  keep packing.  it'll happen.  i've just gotta keep telling myself that.  it's getting harder instead of easier.  why is that?  i thought it would be the other way around, i'd be singing while i'm packing, anticipating the day i get out of here.  that day's getting more shadowy right now.

the doc this morning asked what i was going to do without having health insurance after this month.  i told him i was going to live or i was going to die.  he did explain what the ophthalmologist had written for me.  i was right.  retina is 20% detached and cataract is forming.  the good thing is that neither will require immediate surgery, but will require surgery down the road.  one bright? star in a sea of ugh.   big sigh.

[sanmagic7]

the frustration is building at the lack of anything definite.  this was all good when i would come here for vacation or fun and games, but living with this daily is a whole 'nother story.  my ex is beginning to champ at the bit, my hub is on my back to 'keep packing'.  people, i'm doing the best i can with no timeline, no deadline, nothing solid.  ugh!