New member, just a small (could turn out big) introduction

[Nippy670]

Hey everybody,

I've joined this forum after my partner shared a link to CPTSD on FB and this page was mentioned. I wanted to know a bit more about it and have been reading a few things which surprised me and shocked me too. I've been diagnosed with CPTSD two years ago now, I think. I live in Scotland (4 yrs now) but came from Belgium. Everything was fine for up to 6 months after moving here. All of a sudden, I cried, felt desperate to escape (horrible neighbours) and I experienced flashbacks for the first time. I didn't know they were flashbacks until I got diagnosed a few months later... I've been through physical and mental abuse for as long as I can remember. I think I was 4 when I witnessed severe fights between my parents (drunk dad beating mum, mum threatening to kill herself, blood on floor, us hiding in various locations in the house to avoid dad, being afraid when he got home drunk from the pub and he'd probably keep us up all night whilst abusing my mum, ongoing verbal abuse.. you name it). I've been bullied twice during high school, both times for most of the school year and it was absolutely horrendous and this is why to this day I feel worthless or not good enough. I've had a series of bad partners, one of who raped me when he tried to win me back and discovered I was gay. He also previously lied to me (turned out he was married with kids and cheated on me with his wife and other girls - I stayed with him for 8 years and guess I accepted it 'til I met my first gf and probs cos I didn't know any better. My dad hit me once too, pretty traumatic. I ran away from home for some time (to my ex who yrs later raped me) but came back eventually cos I couldn't stay with him either cos of his hidden agenda. I lost my Granddad but was there when he passed, but a year later I lost my Grandmother and wasn't there when she passed and to this day I can't forgive myself. They both meant and mean the world to me, but it feels like I lost my entire childhood, the good parts anyway. To this day, my family prefers to stick their head in the sand and pretend nothing happened. I can talk to my sister but she moved on somehow and doesn't really get CPTSD and doesn't believe in therapy at all which she's made clear to me, which in turn makes me feel like a lunatic again. I could go on and on and I don't want to write a novel here, but I'm hoping I can chat a bit and maybe feel a bit better again soon because it's becoming a real struggle again to get through life at the moment.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS Nippy    So sorry to hear all that you have been through and are still going through in your life     You are definitely in good company here as we have all suffered enormously, some from more covert types of abuse like me (my family were covert Narcissists), and others who were overly traumatized physically, sexually, emotionally from childhood into adulthood.

No need to be concerned about writing a novel, it's quite common when members are new because it's the first time usually where there's somewhere everyone gets it and it's a relief to let it out.  Sometimes when you do post a lot you start to feel a bit exposed vulnerable, that's also a common reaction (and the reason members can edit/remove posts).  I know I did and had to post in smaller chunks until I felt safer.  We talk a lot about taking baby steps here because it helps recovery to go slowly.   

Please feel free to have a good look around and read through the Member Guidelines so you know what they are.

Gad you found your way here 

[Nippy670]

Thanks for the warm welcome guys It's great to know there's support out there, and from people who know what it's like to have CPTSD and how to deal (or not deal with it) sometimes.

My partner is very understanding, she gives me space when I need it and is there for me when I can't be left alone. I have had partners too, as you, To-Be-Continued, who told me to get over myself and why on earth am I acting the way I do when there's worse things out there.. Obviously, I didn't know back then I had CPTSD but it all makes sense now. My advice would be to don't let them tell you that in the first place. Try and stand up for yourself and just say that if they don't really get it, to not say anything at all.

One positive thing out of all of this is that I have learned to stand up for myself a lot more. I don't let people treat me like **** any more and even my family knows now I won't take anything they throw at me, if it hurts me. I'll talk back! It took me years to do that and I sometimes still struggle but I keep telling me to be me and if someone has an issue with it, it's their problem and not mine. I do and say what feels right. Again, if someone is offended, it's their problem not mine.

I'm not saying I'm rude now, I really am not. But I do want to get my point across in a civilised manner but to let them know I actually have an opinion. Although, talking to strangers is something I'm still trying to deal with. It depends who it is and how they come across.. I'm just at a point where I think I've only one life to live and I can't live it regretting things any more or stop myself from talking or being scared of people's reaction.

Anyway, I'm babbling again