Sceal's Journal

[Sceal]

Hi Hope! Good to see you! A hug from you is always welcome 

And it's right! It's about 2.5 week left with exam prep. And I'm nowhere near ready, not even half-way. But I will attempt it this time, and if I fail, well.. I'll re-take it. but I hope I pass. Because I am sick and tired of these books! 

[sanmagic7]

sometimes that's the best motivation, isn't it?  sick and tired of these books.  sending a hug filled with determination and study power!!!

[Sceal]

I wish it was so San, I do hope I don't have to open them again and study them after the 26th.. But I fear I must. still, I'll take a month break from them if that happens. It wont be the end of the world if I fail. I can re-take the exam. But it'll be a kick in the chest.
It'll be a reminder that I'm not good enough, or doesn't work hard enough.
Hopefully the healthy part of my brain will remind me that I've gone through alot the last year, it doesn't matter what other people think. They haven't been here. I have worked hard enough. I have.

Now... I just have to believe it too!   right now, I'm so tired and grumpy it all feel kind of hopeless and pointless.

[DecimalRocket]

Of course you work hard Sceal! I've always seen you trying to do your absolute best in things, and I'll keep believing that, even if you fail. If you weren't failing at all, it won't be called hard work, would it?

[Sceal]

Aww Rocket! Just what I needed to hear today! Thank you so so much!
----

I had my session with my T today. The first thing she asks me is "are you hypomanic?" I thought that a little odd. I knew she'd notice that my shame score and sadness score was lower than it has been and my happiness score has gone up. She pointed out I'd slept less.
Yet, there was no reason for her to ask so early in the session. I have to ask my friend if he called her and left a notice. As he had brought it up to me earlier last week. It's not that I wasn't honest with her, but I was so unprepared. That I might not given her a full picture of my current state of mind. I don't think I am hypomanic though, and I neither does she. At least not from the information I gave her.

The session was odd and unstructured. We talked about my emotions again and how it felt in my body at the time and whether I could recall the sensations. To a small degree I did. We talked about curiosity and excitement of learning. She sidetracked and said there is need for mindfulness coaches, when I said I'd like to work with stress.

She felt the session went poorly, but to be honest. I felt it was good. It gave me practice for recognising sensations inside my body. It's a strange relationship. And it feels odd, but it also makes me feel... Curious to see where this is going. It's fascinating I suppose.
She also gave me the drive to want to read towards this annoying exam.

[Three Roses]

  keep up the good work! We're cheering you on, Sceal.

[sanmagic7]

funny how one person's perspective can be completely different from the other's, even in therapy.  sounds like it was very productive for you no matter what she thought. 

wishing you the best with your studying.  of course, i hope you pass and can be done with it, but i also recognize, like you said, that you have been thru an awful lot this year, have made such tremendous strides in recovery, and that takes a lot of work, a ton of energy, too.  as long as you have the option to retake it, i hope that takes some of the pressure off.  when i read that, it felt good to me.

sending a hug filled with love and encouragement, and the truth that we all fail at things sometimes, but it doesn't mean we're failures.   it just means we're human.

[Sceal]

Thank you both for believing in me and cheering me on!

I am hoping that I'm not too careless, since I do have the option to re-take the exam. And that I'm not fooling myself with this optimisim I'm currently carrying around. I mean, I hope it's real, and not just a shield. I'm too in-experienced in this to know the difference to be honest.
But I will enjoy it as much as possible. As it is still fragile, I will probably avoid reading too many journals right now. But I am thinking of you. Sending you my caring vibes and hope you guys too will get to this stage where I'm at now.

Tomorrow I leave for the capitol. I'm meeting a friend who comes from a different country and lives in a third. I haven't seen her for some years now, and when she said she's here for a concert I jumped on the chance to hang out with her. It's a long travel time for me. 7 hours, and before that I have group session. The people we're staying with got some sort of nasty cold. I hope my immune system is up to dealing with it.
As we know, by default people who suffer with cPTSD has a compromised immune system. And also, when being sick we don't deal too well with stress and emotional factors. Finger crossed!
I need a little more time to enjoy this, please!

[sanmagic7]

fingers absolutely crossed - you deserve to continue to enjoy this feeling, enjoy being with your friend, and just have some good old-fashioned down time.  wishing you the very best time.  big hug.

[Sceal]

I am sitting on the train on the way back home. It was a lovely time. I got to spend time with my friend whom I've known for 12 years now. We rarely get to see each other as we live in different countries. Not even the same continent.

We were geeky together and I have missed that.

I was super excited going to the capital. But once I got there I didn't feel much at all. It wasn't bad. I wasn't sad. And I wasn't stressed about money.  I consider that a win.
-----TW------
But last night I had a terrible, terrible dream. JE was pissed at me, and kept following me around. And I didn't dare confront him. I wanted him to leave me alone. To understand he couldn't force me anymore. That he couldn't get what he wanted. And then he started demanding money instead..he felt I owed him money since I wouldn't let him take advantage of me and manipulate me to have sex. And I had to manage this situation while being around other people and not letting them know what was going on.

Luckily it was just a nightmare. But I can't let go of the fear. I suppose it's not strange, considering I am heading back home to the vicinity where he too lives.

[Sceal]

Back to daily life.

The trip did me some good. I spent far too much money than I intended, but at the same time. I wasn't overly stressed about the consumption. Not sure how to think about that.

Went to the GP today. She said I look well, and that it was nice to see me more relaxed. And that she find me interessting and peculiar. She's such a cute lady. I like her. She always takes me serious when I ask about something. No question is too silly. Or at least it doesn't show! Which I am grateful for.

Back to my T tomorrow. I am looking forward to it. Then I get to see my old GP again too, a control for my allergies (he changed specilization). It's a trigger to travel up there. but I think I'll travel a different route tomorrow if I'm able to. He also went in the same class and grew up with my former abuser. Although he doesn't know it's him.

[Sceal]

I haven't been very active here lately.
It's a mixture of wanting to protect myself, to try and focus more on progress and positive moments. I am a HSP, so I get very easily affected by people's wounds, struggles and heartbreak. And I want to be there for them so badly, and I tend to take people's worries ontop of my own. So I just had to protect myself a little. But I've been thinking of you guys.

The mini-vacation to the capitol was spent with a couple who had been sick, and was slowly recovering from a really nasty cold that had knocked them right out. And sunday and monday I was around babies who had just recovered from a cold as well. So I am not surprised that upon waking up today I'm feeling run down. My chest is achy, it feels tight, coarse and itchy. I have a dry cough. And my ears are bothering me. I don't have a fever. I just hope that it wont progress to bronchitis. That is what usually happens, and it tends to knock me out for a very long time as I'm allergic to most antibiotics.
It of course doesn't help that I have exam stress ontop of my shoulders.

I'm not feeling sad, or upset.  I am stressed, worried and my mind is full of self-judgemental talk and dissapointments. But not to the degree which I cannot handle. I guess I am more able to remain within wisemind these days than I've ever been before. I can sense the emotions, I know they are there. But they aren't controlling me or overwhelming me. My rational mind is a bit sluggish due to feeling run down. I find it very interessting this devellopment. And I hope it will continue this way, onwards rather than one step forward and two back.

I took some blood samples yesterday at the GP's office. I suspect I have vitamin deficiency again. My vitamin b12 was borderline in august. So I found it interessting this other thread about vitamin b12 that was on the forum. I didn't join in, I guess because I felt it wouldn't be suitable. I have some knowledge due to working health care, about the affects of vitamin d and b12, on the body and mental health in general. Trauma-wise or not.

[sanmagic7]

i'm so glad that overall your trip was a good one for you.

the first thought that came to my mind about your nightmare was that it showed a fighting spirit coming to the fore.  you no longer were going to let him have his way, not when he came at you directly or by manipulation.  i understand that it was frightening in that it was your abuser, but you stood up to him.  i think you're regaining some strength, and your subconscious was letting you know that.

i'd like to know what you know about vit. d and b12 cuz i include both in my daily vit. regimen.  i'd read that d helps the body absorb calcium, which at my age is important to keep my bones as strong as possible.  and i thought b complex vit. helped nervous system, brain, and muscles.  maybe i got bad info, but speaking about my bones to my doc, he mentioned, too, that it's important i take them all, as well as calcium.

anyway, sorry you're feeling under the weather.  i know that doesn't help when you're already fighting to study for your exam.  here's hoping for a speedy recovery and that it doesn't get any worse.

i completely relate to being pushed under at times by the pain here of others.  i have to take breaks at times because of it, too.  just the way it is, i guess.

keep taking care of you, dear sceal.  you're wonderful.   love and a big, healing hug.

[Sceal]

Maybe you're right san. In T today we talked about my nightmare. And she asked me what I would have done differently if I could have, in my dream. and I told her I would have told him to back off much more clearly and desisively so there would be no room for him to manouver. And then I'd leave.  But it's not realistic that I'd do that in real life. It really isn't.  Both because he terrifies me, and because I am troubled by what he would do. and what his family would do. So it's better still for me to keep quiet and run away as fast as possible if I run into them.  I suppose it's soon time for me to figure out how to actually handle that situation when I eventually run into them again, because I will. my city is that small.

Vitamin D, does as you say promote calcium  absorption. It also reduces inflammation (which I am sure many of us suffer from due to being so tense so much of the time, and being in alert mode will also put a strain on the tendons and the muscles).  It promotes bone and cell growth. If you got deficiency your cognitive skills may suffer and you may have unexplained tiredness/fatigue, muscle fatigue and it's easier to get broken bones. It impairs your immune system, so you'll have a higher chance of getting all sorts of infections, and it may also cause to insulin resistence (which is a problem that usually diabetics deal with)
The best source of vitamin D is the sun. So for those of us who live in a climate where the sun barely shines during winter months, it's very important to get out in daylight, even if it's cloudy, to just get some. People with dark skin also have a higher chance of having vitamin D deficiency due to their skin. And a fun fact: Natural redheads produce their own vitamin D.

Vitamin B12 does alot of stuff too. And as we age and become 65+ (depending on diet, I think) the absorbation of vitamin b12 lowers, and it's quite common that the elderly gets a shot of b12 every 3 months. (Personally I prefer the shots to taking more pills everyday, I also feel the shot is more effective, but that's me!) So B12 helps with your DNA, and it helps creating new red blood cells. It helps the brain, and as you say the neurological system. If you have too low vitamin b12, also called cobalamin, you'll more than likely be anemic. As it has to do with the metabolic system of the cells.
Vitamin b12 deficiency can cause foggyness of the mind, depression, fatigue, memory problems. It may also cause loss of apetite and constipation. As well as other things.

As for how much you should take each day? Well, the doctors doesn't quite seem to agree with eachother as to where the lower limit is. But also the lower limit is also just a generalized estimate. It may be that your lower limit is actually lower... or higher. There's no way to know for sure on this part. But, as with all vitamins and suppliments... Do consult your doctor! Especially if you take multivitamins together with extra supplements... Because things might overlap, and you'll end up getting too much.
Getting too much or too little of almost everything is never good.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the info, sceal.  i appreciate it.

running away can be a survival technique in itself.  surviving doesn't always mean confrontation.  and the strength i spoke of could also be the strength to recognize the danger and get yourself out of the way, something you weren't able to do before for whatever reason.  that's not to say you weren't strong before, but that other factors kept you in a more passive position to accept the abuse.

so, no matter what you might do in real life, i still think your dream is one of progress.  it said that you will not accept the abuse anymore, and that you can recognize the manipulation for what it truly is - trying to use guilt by blaming you, making you feel responsible for the abuser's feelings so that you'll do what your abuser wants.  my opinion, of course.

well done, my dear.  you're getting there!  love and hugs