I'm new to understanding C-PTSD, worried of ruining relationships with EFs.

[Arphotog]

I've recently been forced to address my abuse (I previously distanced and minimized) which set me on a journey to learning  more about childhood trauma.

I've always had a lot of stuff inside that I've been so afraid to let out. And my instinctive coping mechanism has been to emotionally shut down and go numb.  I've never had any terminology or healthy point of reference to relate to my struggles.

My reputation is that I'm very emotionally stable, strong, and calm.  But I fear it's actually just that I've been so numb.

The stuff I read here, about object constancy and emotional flashbacks.  It's so familiar, it describes my life patterns so accurately.

Especially, now, that I'm both confronting the abuse and learning about trauma.   And Ive gone into this already raw and exposed (a recent loss forced me on this journey).  That's a lot all at one time.  I feel so weak, it feels like like chaos inside and it seems I'm constantly experiencing emotional flashbacks.

I have one friendship that I feel so insecure in.  Not that we've had any issues that would make me feel that way, but just because the relationship is so precious to me.  I constantly fear that  I've done something wrong, that my friend will drop me in an instant  with no warning and no opportunity to fix it.  I'm on edge, always vigilante, looking for something 'wrong'.  It's exhausting - and worse now more than  ever.

I know I'm being irrational - I know I'm dealing with fears and not facts. But it's so real, I can't help it.    Yesterday, I spent half the day in bed, adrenaline running through me, I was so certain I was secretly being rejected.

Part of me thinks, if this friendship is so triggering for me, that it's not safe for me and I should pull back in order to heal.  (but is this an isolating defense?)

And part of me thinks there is nothing wrong with the friendship and I need to get my act together before I sabotage it.  (but how do I handle constant EF?)

How you identify the truth of the situation in the midst of the shame and fears?

[meursault]

I remember reading "The only way you can find out if you can trust someone is to trust them".

I think it's good you can see your fears are likely irrational, it doesn't make them less  important though.  I have one good friend that understands that about me and she doesn't take it personally.  Personally, I need people, so I'm going to have to keep risking it.  I guess if the person is important to you, you have to decide whether it's worth the risk.

I think that's important for repairing damaged attachment... with c-PTSD, we need "corrective attachment experiences", according to my good therapist. 

Meursault