let the healing begin

[sanmagic7]

you and everyone else is welcome, at least to my way of thinking.  i'm hoping that's how wife2 sees it.  anyone who's recovering and battling this beast deserves a place just be for a bit, have some quiet time with friends, and play and laugh and just enjoy ourselves away from the scars and the scares.  just a little time out - it brings a smile to my face just thinking about it.  lovely.

speaking of doing something lovely, i took a walk in the misty rain today.  it's literally been years since i've walked outdoors, just taking a walk.  gotta build up my legs again, i couldn't trust them to go very far, but i got down to the corner and back.  it made me feel good in the belief that soon i will be able to walk to the store if i need to pick up a few things.  it's a couple of blocks further, but it's not so intimidating now.  yay!

[Elphanigh]

That sounds so great! I am so glad you got outside to walk and could soon go to the store. Great progress and fun as well it is pouring rain here, so no walking but I love listening to the storms

[Wife#2]

San, that is wonderful news! We count all victories around here, remember?



Yes, next time maybe one more block. I'm glad to hear that you are pushing some, but not beyond your ability to return home safely. Literally, one step at a time, right?

[Blueberry]

speaking of doing something lovely, i took a walk in the misty rain today.  it's literally been years since i've walked outdoors, just taking a walk.  gotta build up my legs again, i couldn't trust them to go very far, but i got down to the corner and back.

Yay for you!  That's how we progress, in little steps. Ever forward, even if we slip back a bit for a while, we then move forward again. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, everyone.  small steps for real!  but, i do celebrate it as a victory.  in mexico, i stopped walking outside cuz of the dogs, the uneven surface (no sidewalks), and too many days of heat.  i used to walk about 3 mi/day, which felt really good.  then i just couldn't do it anymore.

so, starting over.  one foot in front of the other.  i just love everyone's enthusiasm, no matter what the accomplishment.  it's just great!  love and hugs!

[sanmagic7]

i just had a wonderful phone conversation with my hub.  dang it, we're still in love.  i just can't live with him anymore, and i truly believe that i can't get the medical help i need there, either.  thankfully, he agrees.  so, we're going to be supports for each other in the best ways we can, even if it's long distance.  it's better than what it was when we were living together.

he told me he was always worried about me being at home alone all day, and that it broke his heart that i had virtually no one there, except him, but we only saw each other about 1/2 hr./day cuz he worked all the time and was so tired when he got home that he ate and fell asleep in the middle of conversations.  it wasn't good.  i was basically alone even tho i was living with someone.

plus the bickering, all the time, nearly every day, and worse if we were anywhere in public.  during this phone call, we were able to make each other laugh.  i told him about my fears about him having a girlfriend, he explained it all, absolutely not, and it felt reassuring and comforting.  i can choose to believe that because i want to.  i'm too far away for it to make a difference anyway.

so, this was good - caring, loving, comforting, reassuring.   i'm glad i decided to give him the number here.  this will help me heal. 

[Elphanigh]

San, I am so glad you are getting the reassurance and healing you need. It sounds like from a distance you two could be truly healthy for each other 

[sanmagic7]

i wrote earlier, but the page froze me out. 

elphanigh, i think so, too, at least so far.  we'll see.  one phone call is not the rest of our lives - i'm being cautious.

today i was able to walk all the way to the store, about 6 blocks.  i was really happy about that, it felt good and right.  then, my system slam-dunked me, too many bathroom trips, and i've been feeling physically crummy all day.  i can't wait to see that doc on fri.  i need this to be fixed.  it wears me out.

other things are falling into place, but feeling physically sick takes the glow off all of it.  i just hate this crapola - in more than one sense!   ugh!

[Elphanigh]

The caution is propbably wise, San. I am glad some things are falling into place. I hope seeing the doctor will help your physical ailments. I am so glad you could make it to the store, but maybe time to slowly work up to that?

I do hope you are getting/have gotten rest, and that it helps you recover

[Lingurine]

Sanmagic, I just wanted to say Hi  and Thank you for being here. I hope you take as good care for yourself as you do for us.


Lingurine

[sanmagic7]

elphanigh, to tell you the truth, this is a very restful place where i'm living.  i think it's exactly what i needed, even tho the idea of renting a room in someone's house was the last thing on my mind!   the rent is at least 1/3 what an apt. would cost, and even in senior low-income housing, i'd be having to pay utilities, cable, and wi-fi so i could get internet - all that would still come out to at least the same cost. 

this was, i believe, a miracle given me.  i am really grateful. everything - EVERYthing is included in my rent, and like someone pointed out, i'm rarely alone in the house in case something happens.  plus, i'm not isolated.  and, close enough to the grocery store.  i even bought some stuff this morning - walking there and back.

i am being cautious with that, also, being very mindful of when i'm getting tired.  there's a shortcut i can take on the way home if i'm beginning to feel tired.  i'm excited about being able to walk, have that little bit of independence, get a little bit of exercise, get out in the fresh air.  where i was living, it's already over 110 this week. 

so, i'm relishing where i am, what's going on, and glad i'm here.  the doc is in 3 days, and i'm excited and nervous.   i have an entire list typed out of everything that's going on with me, and i'm going to tell her that i'm putting my life in her hands, that i need help and healing.  in her picture she looks young, so we'll see what that means.

lingurine, hi right back atcha.  that was such an awfully sweet thing to say to me, it brought a smile to my heart.  thank you so much.  i'm so glad i'm here - you all are the best people i've never met, yet you are more my family than most anyone i know.  love and hugs to you, lingurine and elphanigh.  you help me keep going.  i don't know what i would've done without you, and everyone else here.  and that's the truth.

[Elphanigh]

Sanmagic, I am so glad to hear all of that. You deserved a peaceful place to heal and make progress. It sounds amazing. Best of luck with that doctor. An always hugs and lots of love to you

[sanmagic7]

got so scared today thinking about the doc appt.  my history with the medical profession has been horrible:  i've been ignored, glossed over, misdiagnosed, poisoned, given meds without any info on side effects, had horrendous side effects without being able to talk to my doc about them or what to do next.  i ended up taking my physical care into my own hands on nearly every level.

i've been treated piecemeal, but after 30 years of my own curiosity, exploration, research, and becoming part of this forum, i believe i have most of the big picture at last.  i have to have faith that this new doc in a new country will be a healer rather than a pill pusher, someone who wants to get to the bottom of what's happening to me and why, instead of just treating symptoms and sending me home,

i know that all of you wish me the best, and just like another member (and how i got across the border), i will be surrounding myself with you.  you are my shield and my light, will give me the strength and courage to speak up for myself, to challenge if that's what's needed, and to push for what is best for me.  you will also be there to allow me to take the time i need to explain what needs explaining.  i was told i have a 20 min. appt.  we'll see how that goes.

now it is time for me to get my info in order.  that was my goal for today.  i've put it off long enough.  the fear and anxiety was beginning to overwhelm me.  my hub called me and helped with that, and writing on here has helped the rest of the way.  i will be fearless because i know what all these physical ailments are about, and i know what i've put myself through in order to lessen, diminish, and even eradicate some of them

i am fighting for my life now.  i will not let fear get in the way of that.  nor anxiety.  they have no place here in this particular battle.  god will give me the words and actions i need in order to get the care that will help me out of this pit of physical despair.  i will trust.  i will have faith.  i will know what stance is necessary to get my point across.  i've survived possible threats to my life and physical wellbeing before by knowing how to behave, what to say in the situation. 

come friday, it is going down.

[Wife#2]

Holding hands, forming the circle of healing around you.

I may not be in here posting every day. Still, I read every day. Today, I had to join in this circle of truth, healing and well-being. Today, through Friday - and longer if necessary, we are here for you. 

[sanmagic7]

i know you are, my dear sister of the soul.  i can feel it.  i've got most of what i want gathered now, and i'm exhausted.  you will all be with me, there is no doubt in my mind.  thank you so very much.