Messages

Thank you for your kindness and understanding. And the virtual hugs!

Papa Coco,

Thank you for sharing the story of your favorite teacher. It made me laugh! That is an interesting perspective. For a while, I began to really live for me until this event took place. I feel like it set me back, as far as my thoughts go. Hypervigilance is one way to put it. It seems like we have similar childhood experiences. Hearing your story has helped me to feel less ashamed.

I have read In Sheep's Clothing many years ago. After reading it, I applied it to my F, not my M. I needed to believe one of my parents cared and tried. Until I realized that I could live and make decisions on my own, I reached out to her for support that I wouldn't receive and I would take to heart her criticism and blame myself. Looking back, it was an abusive cycle that I allowed. The hatred and jealousy I've experienced since asserting my independence from her has helped me to see her intentions aren't as pure as she says. I should take time to read it again. It's possible that something I didn't take into consideration before might jump out to me now. And I will check out The Sociopath Next Door.

I am anxious about the days that I have yet to face. I know that there will be retaliation and some days I feel more ready to face that than others. I remind myself that I am the one making decisions in my life now.

As always, thank you for your time.

Papa Coco,
 
It's a comfort to know you understand. Lately, I have to be very aware of the enmeshment with my M and how I play a roll in my own mental health with her. I allow myself to think from her perspective and dissociate with myself, I guess. I forget that I'm living for me, in my body. Does that make sense? That's the way my brain protected me before. I begin to not only worry what she's thinking, I do the same with anyone else it seems. I am currently having vision issues and I am afraid of what the outcome of my next appointment will be. I feel pretty vulnerable, honestly. I broke down this morning, shaking uncontrollably and crying. My husband was there for me today. Sometimes a hug and someone telling me I'm ok is simply needed. Thank you for taking the time to respond kindly. It means so much! I will try and remember to sit with these feelings, as you shared, and allow them space.

I am also sorry that you have experienced any of what I have.

Thank you. That's much appreciated!

Welcome Mercy. I'm new here too. Have mercy on yourself in the process of your healing!

Thank you both for reaching out. I'm thankful for the acceptance and understanding here.

Cascade- Thanks! I appreciate you. I hope you find some comfort here as well as time off from survival mode. 

I don't want to trigger anyone but there may be triggers in here.

My family and I moved to a new area a while back. We love the place, the only neighbor owned the land around us. An elderly man in his 80s. We all tried to get along with him. Slowly, we got to know him, he took advantage of our kindness. He began coming over multiple times a day, especially when my husband was away. I began to feel irritated and exhausted very quickly. Then, I would shame myself for feeling this way. He wanted me to sit with him in his car, alone. I have been an elderly caretaker and an adult special needs care provider so this seemed like loneliness to me. His wife has been gone, he lives alone, etc. He took advantage of my kindness and began to be inappropriate with me. I thought, this man is likely senile, so I clearly stated my boundaries. One day it went too far and I walked away feeling cheap and gross and spent every moment that weekend feeling worthless and hopeless. I couldn't tell my husband because the last time this happened, my family blamed me and shamed me and kept the abuser happy and in their lives. I also didn't want to see this man again. I struggled with forcing myself to face this mess I got myself into until something in me screamed to tell my husband. When I did, he met me with compassion and he reassured me that I did nothing wrong and had not deserved what happened now or in the past. The next week, the man came by, honked his horn behind my house and my children had to watch me go into panic attacks. After my husband confronted him, he retaliated, the police were called, which triggered me from childhood situations, and were told that he didn't come onto our property and there was nothing we could do. This man drove by, used flying monkeys, played his games daily for months.

It took me a while to forgive me. I still haven't forgiven him. Something he had told me was that my M had told him that I had a hard life and told him all about me. Come to find out, she drove over an hour to pass my home and went for a ride with him shortly after I went NC. I try so hard to move forward in my life. This felt worse than before because I'm an adult now. I've come so far. I kept feeling the worst feeling; I couldn't protect myself.

Trust is something that I cannot fully give. There's always going to be a part of me that never shows. As I've read many accounts here, I don't feel so alone. Recently, I joined a self defense class, in spite of myself and so far, it's working out. Physical touch some days are harder than others and I freeze a lot when someone comes near me. But I relish the mental aspect of it. And I hate being afraid. A friend told me to not show my fear to these people. I know this, I've often been able to remain emotionless and fight back but I haven't had to in many years(because I'm not as social) and now I fear my anger, which is something I am working on. Somehow, I heard it better from someone I respect. I have learned, since going NC with my OF, that to have people to rely on is important. I couldn't rely on them growing up but I can create safety for myself now and that can take some adjusting. Some have let me down but I have a few I can count on. I heard someone mention ptsd for years but I never looked it up until this happened. The attacks were alarming for me and those in my home. At times, I had trouble separating the past from the present. To know that it's a normal response is helpful. I wanted to share this because I hope someone can find something to take away from it. I hope that someone who has suffered at the hands of another can find hope in fighting back, allowing anger to drive healthy responses and even forgiving yourself if you're not there yet. I needed care and isolation for a while but with help, I am slowly finding a way through this.

Papa Coco, thank you for your strength and for your support! I have heard of this book and I'll check it out. I'm currently 5 books deep.  Reading has become my escape. It's safe and better for my liver. One of my dear friends was from a catholic family, large and close-knit. Remembering their dynamic, I can imagine that must still be difficult for you. Your words helped me to feel seen and heard today and to know that I can be strong too. You also replied to another comment I wrote in a different thread about not trusting people. And what you said about not trusting family and those close to you is 100% relatable. I've been working on my expectations of others lately but I don't want to fall back into feeling like I can fix myself to make others happy sort of thing. Just keeping it realistic. Thank you sincerely.

Edna

Thank you, Kizzie. It's frustrating to come so far and to still feel this way. I truly think she feels that I'm the abusive one here and the gaslighting is difficult. I'm aware that if I were the abusive party, I wouldn't be questioning my actions.

Thanks, L2N and Kizzie!

I have found some information here that has been helpful. Finding an anonymous resource like this is a relief for me.
Thanks for the warm welcome!

I'm terrified of writing this and someone finding it and that someone being the person I'm referring to. This person is someone that I cannot trust with even the smallest information about myself. They will use it to emotionally cut me down like a lawn mower. This person is my mother. I came here to really find support at this time because I have choices that need to be made in regards to her. I'm struggling with giving the full back story or just a few bits of info in order to save my anxiety.

My mother is a diagnosed HPD. My father is a diagnosed NPD. Both were diagnosed by the same professional. I was never told by my mother what she was diagnosed with because she said it wasn't accurate but she believed the diagnosis of my father. That was the focus for her. I went NC with my F many years ago. I have allowed my M to be a part of my children's lives but noticed in the beginning that I could not count on her to be there for me. She would be a victim of my toddler's tantrums, correct me in front of my kids and cuddle them when I would correct them making me out to be a terrorizer, walk into my home without knocking or calling first, expect me to drop my plans to care for her episodes, belittle and degrade my husband and his family at any opportunity, ignore me in conversation unless I had anything that pertained to gossip, call and emotionally dump on me about siblings and family members and try to pull info out of me about them, and put me down for any little thing she could find fault in me for. I have, over the course of about ten years, backed away from her and set boundaries. Each time a boundary is set, she throws fits and lashes out to punish me in any way she knows will hurt me. And **** is she good at it. I am all but NC with her now. Her spite and jealousy over my life and the people in it has caused this. Now, she has cancer. Which p***es me off so much because she has been playing the dying card for most of my life. I flip and flop between feeling guilty for not being there for her and being so angry that she has this to add to her arsenal of guilt trips. I honestly feel that her death wouldn't make me sad, I feel relief at the thought. I don't feel guilty about that yet, but if it really happened, I hope I can cope with whatever comes from it. I can't cry about it and I'm angry that it makes me sad.

She acts as though I'm punishing her by keeping my children away but I know deep down that I am protecting them. Even when she's with me in front of them, she body shames people out loud, criticizes my kids for the way they dress and act(they're teens and they're healthy and able to express themselves), finds ways to covertly attack me and when I defend myself calmly she replies like a victim. She has even gone so far as to create arguments right in front of her between me and my husband, making one of us angry at the other and defending her because of her ability to manipulate. My kids see it. But I still feel like maybe she's right. Maybe I am being selfish. What if I'm wrong? Why can't I just let things go?

Am I right to protect my current family from my M? I feel like I should. I hung a pic of myself (I hate seeing pics of my younger self) when I was about ten, in my room and I vowed to protect her from this woman. I did this as a little experiment to practice self love. Some days are better than others.

Leaving with a laugh: I guess I don't have to worry about her reading and identifying herself in any of it's contents because she doesn't do this. This is all in my head.

As I read your OP, there has never been a time when someone like that leaves a message just to talk. I say never because in my experience, it's either an info dig kind of call or a covert attempt at guilt tripping. Possibly both. Good for you to know not to answer and to recognize the message for what it is.

I have grieved the loss of my father who is still alive. I have now lived my life longer without him. I've had "funerals" (yeah, more than one) and written letters (one I actually sent) and so on.

I hope you thrive, Phoebes!

I, too, fear intimacy. Arms length for me. I don't mind being kind but actually inviting new people into my life in order to become more acquainted is too much. Something that I have noticed in the recent past is that I overshare my "issues" in order to turn people away from me when I first meet them. Of course this doesn't always work but when it does, I feel like a failure and the rejection is painful. I grew up in a very small area. Rumors meant you were collectively rejected by most, if not all, of the population. (I did move away as soon as I could.) When I do make an attempt to befriend someone, I feel I am constantly on the chopping block. Like if they knew the "real me" that they would drop me. Fear of rejection is real. And I can relate.

This is beautiful.

Elf Power,

Feelings aren't wrong at all. The way you asked if you were overreacting reminds me of myself. My mother is diagnosed HPD and even though I know this, I still feel like I'm imagining the covert forms of abuse she uses. I can say that from experience, when she did something similar to me, it made me feel of no importance to her and that my safety did not matter. I do not think you're over reacting at all. Covert abuse is awful and very isolating. I am sorry you went through surgery and she didn't consider how you felt.

ednasurvivalmode