I'm looking for a support board to talk about my issues with. No one in my 'real' life knows how much I have been suffering lately. Let me explain a little.
I was horribly abused as a child by my mother...everything from sexual abuse to trying to kill me on four separate occasions. I was fortunate to be removed from her at the age of 14 when my father got full custody and discretion as to whether I saw her or not during their divorce. That was 40 years ago. I've seen her 7 times since then. 8 if you count my seeing her at the funeral home.
I worked for 30 years on such issues and came to a pretty great place about ten years ago. I've been happy, functional and really extremely well adjusted. I really felt that I had worked through those issues successfully and had moved on with my life--a really wonderful life at that.
Then she died.
I thought her death would be sad--sad that she missed out on so very much in life. I thought that it would be the final resolution to our relationship.
Not.
Instead, I learned something that even as a therapist, I did not know. When someone you love dies, the relationship ends and you grieve the loss of that relationship. But, when your tormentor dies, the relationship doesn't die, the torment continues. It's an everlasting gift they give you.
I went back into therapy after her death, however, there were so many other issues that I needed to deal with as well--being chronically ill and being found permanently/totally disabled and yet, disability being unwilling to pay; son totalling my new car and the insurance declining the claim...etc.
I've known and used dissociation to my benefit for years. I have severe Lupus that is complicated. I can turn off pain by dissociating. So, I don't really want to lose that ability. I guess it was surfacing more in therapy and I started to take a look at my issues again.
As time has gone on in therapy, it's become more and more evident that this really is an issue and more memories began to surface. My view over the past ten years has simply been, "I know it happened, specific memories are not important because I've dealt with the underlying issues."
In therapy before, I was too needy; too anxious; too dependent. I had to make sure that I was safe and because I know the field so well and am quite intelligent, I could play mind games with them where I would always win and they would end up terminating the relationship. Ultimately, they proved my point, they were not strong or smart enough to truly help me. I was labeled Borderline, but honestly, it never fully fit. CPTSD always has. Anyway, whenever I would be vulnerable, it's like I would get my hand slapped and get deeply hurt...always coming back to the same thing: "You stupid idiot! What the * did you THINK would happen! Never trust ANYONE to be there for you, NEVER!"
I've been with my same counselor for 12 years now. In 2005, something happened and this same pattern played out. I left therapy, however, my children had a relationship with her (due to physical abuse by their father). I vowed then to never enter therapy again--counseling would be fine, but not therapy.
What's the difference? Counseling is situational issues like how to deal with aspects of work, or issues with kids, or the death of your mother. Therapy is getting down into the mire that is my soul and trying to sort through the unspeakable traumas that exist inside this hellish soul that is me.
I wrote her a letter back then and vowed I would NEVER EVER EVER do therapy again. I came to terms with the fact that I could help others; but no one could help me. And I moved on.
And here I am now. In my mind I'm banging my head against a brick wall yelling at myself inside, "You STUPID FUCKIN' IDIOT!!! WHAT THE * WERE YOU THINKING??!!!!"
She didn't leave. I knew the script. I knew how to play the game; but she's not playing the game the right way. And I'm stuck. I don't know what to do or how to react.
We've talked about the dissociation. I asked for her diagnosis of me and she didn't want to 'label' me. I NEED labels. She finally said CPTSD. I couldn't argue.
I've always said I am NOT DID...that it's just 'me.' She'd ask questions from time to time about it and it would piss me off. Truly, I am NOT DID.
But what I didn't realize is just how fragmented I truly am. And it's truly freaking the living crap out of me. I have not told her about the fragments. I'm not ready to. So, I started once again, doing research on it and I know in the depth of my being that it's true. And that really pissed me off.
I shut down and probably 'switched.' I've had three days of being back to my old self. I just shut it down.
I had session today and prayed before hand that I wouldn't play games. I really tried, but to no avail. She wanted to go to memories and I wasn't going there. I told her the truth and tried hard to bring up the most important issue.
My relationship to her. I can't handle it. I can't do that. I can't "NEED" her. I can't get hurt again.
I don't think she gets it. I've explained it to her several times, but she's not 'getting' what I'm trying to tell her.
I think she knew I was in a different place today (or fragment, whatever the * you wanna call it). And I think it made her a little sad. I'm having terrible car problems so I couldn't set our next session. I know she thinks I'm running, but I'm not.
When I came home, I took a nap. I realized when I woke up that I no longer ask for help. It's been my entire adult life. Don't ask. It's only going to hurt you. And no one will help you. When my youngest was born, our church did meals. I was told, "Well, we asked everyone, but no one wanted to make you a meal." Really??? REALLY??? It hurt more than I wanted to admit.
I just don't ask anymore.
I don't want to hurt. I don't want to be panicky, or anxious or act out.
I've really enjoyed the 'normalcy' of the past few days. But the fact is that part of my soul, the tormented, damaged, ugly part, still exists. But I can no longer say that no one can help me. She's been there for 12 years waiting for me to do the work. But I can't handle the relationship and when I told her that today--quietly--she didn't get it. I don't think she gets it and that makes her unsafe. That makes it dangerous once again and the terror of that is more than I can handle. I don't know where to turn or how to deal with it.
Do I just shut down and call this bullcrap? If not, HOW DO I MOVE FORWARD???
It's really quite terrifying.
I was horribly abused as a child by my mother...everything from sexual abuse to trying to kill me on four separate occasions. I was fortunate to be removed from her at the age of 14 when my father got full custody and discretion as to whether I saw her or not during their divorce. That was 40 years ago. I've seen her 7 times since then. 8 if you count my seeing her at the funeral home.
I worked for 30 years on such issues and came to a pretty great place about ten years ago. I've been happy, functional and really extremely well adjusted. I really felt that I had worked through those issues successfully and had moved on with my life--a really wonderful life at that.
Then she died.
I thought her death would be sad--sad that she missed out on so very much in life. I thought that it would be the final resolution to our relationship.
Not.
Instead, I learned something that even as a therapist, I did not know. When someone you love dies, the relationship ends and you grieve the loss of that relationship. But, when your tormentor dies, the relationship doesn't die, the torment continues. It's an everlasting gift they give you.
I went back into therapy after her death, however, there were so many other issues that I needed to deal with as well--being chronically ill and being found permanently/totally disabled and yet, disability being unwilling to pay; son totalling my new car and the insurance declining the claim...etc.
I've known and used dissociation to my benefit for years. I have severe Lupus that is complicated. I can turn off pain by dissociating. So, I don't really want to lose that ability. I guess it was surfacing more in therapy and I started to take a look at my issues again.
As time has gone on in therapy, it's become more and more evident that this really is an issue and more memories began to surface. My view over the past ten years has simply been, "I know it happened, specific memories are not important because I've dealt with the underlying issues."
In therapy before, I was too needy; too anxious; too dependent. I had to make sure that I was safe and because I know the field so well and am quite intelligent, I could play mind games with them where I would always win and they would end up terminating the relationship. Ultimately, they proved my point, they were not strong or smart enough to truly help me. I was labeled Borderline, but honestly, it never fully fit. CPTSD always has. Anyway, whenever I would be vulnerable, it's like I would get my hand slapped and get deeply hurt...always coming back to the same thing: "You stupid idiot! What the * did you THINK would happen! Never trust ANYONE to be there for you, NEVER!"
I've been with my same counselor for 12 years now. In 2005, something happened and this same pattern played out. I left therapy, however, my children had a relationship with her (due to physical abuse by their father). I vowed then to never enter therapy again--counseling would be fine, but not therapy.
What's the difference? Counseling is situational issues like how to deal with aspects of work, or issues with kids, or the death of your mother. Therapy is getting down into the mire that is my soul and trying to sort through the unspeakable traumas that exist inside this hellish soul that is me.
I wrote her a letter back then and vowed I would NEVER EVER EVER do therapy again. I came to terms with the fact that I could help others; but no one could help me. And I moved on.
And here I am now. In my mind I'm banging my head against a brick wall yelling at myself inside, "You STUPID FUCKIN' IDIOT!!! WHAT THE * WERE YOU THINKING??!!!!"
She didn't leave. I knew the script. I knew how to play the game; but she's not playing the game the right way. And I'm stuck. I don't know what to do or how to react.
We've talked about the dissociation. I asked for her diagnosis of me and she didn't want to 'label' me. I NEED labels. She finally said CPTSD. I couldn't argue.
I've always said I am NOT DID...that it's just 'me.' She'd ask questions from time to time about it and it would piss me off. Truly, I am NOT DID.
But what I didn't realize is just how fragmented I truly am. And it's truly freaking the living crap out of me. I have not told her about the fragments. I'm not ready to. So, I started once again, doing research on it and I know in the depth of my being that it's true. And that really pissed me off.
I shut down and probably 'switched.' I've had three days of being back to my old self. I just shut it down.
I had session today and prayed before hand that I wouldn't play games. I really tried, but to no avail. She wanted to go to memories and I wasn't going there. I told her the truth and tried hard to bring up the most important issue.
My relationship to her. I can't handle it. I can't do that. I can't "NEED" her. I can't get hurt again.
I don't think she gets it. I've explained it to her several times, but she's not 'getting' what I'm trying to tell her.
I think she knew I was in a different place today (or fragment, whatever the * you wanna call it). And I think it made her a little sad. I'm having terrible car problems so I couldn't set our next session. I know she thinks I'm running, but I'm not.
When I came home, I took a nap. I realized when I woke up that I no longer ask for help. It's been my entire adult life. Don't ask. It's only going to hurt you. And no one will help you. When my youngest was born, our church did meals. I was told, "Well, we asked everyone, but no one wanted to make you a meal." Really??? REALLY??? It hurt more than I wanted to admit.
I just don't ask anymore.
I don't want to hurt. I don't want to be panicky, or anxious or act out.
I've really enjoyed the 'normalcy' of the past few days. But the fact is that part of my soul, the tormented, damaged, ugly part, still exists. But I can no longer say that no one can help me. She's been there for 12 years waiting for me to do the work. But I can't handle the relationship and when I told her that today--quietly--she didn't get it. I don't think she gets it and that makes her unsafe. That makes it dangerous once again and the terror of that is more than I can handle. I don't know where to turn or how to deal with it.
Do I just shut down and call this bullcrap? If not, HOW DO I MOVE FORWARD???
It's really quite terrifying.
