Messages

Songbirdrosa: that sounds like a great plan! I agree with woodsgnome, see how you feel over time. Sounds like perfect timing though, early in your career.

Thank you Resca: You are right that somewhere there is a little spark within the biology - the body's wisdom... strangely though it is a double edge sword as that body wisdom is also the thing that helped us create (now-unhelpful) tools when we where children to get through the * of being a child in a dysfunctional home.

I was really confused about the feeling of 'wrongness' when I was a kid but I did think it was that way for everyone.

Blueberry: I did read about Borderline witch and they sound pretty dysfunctional indeed and very confusing, it must have been awful. I am sure there are huge variations in our FOOs for our experiences to not always fit with other's stories, it does not make your experience less real.

My therapist suggested that I write a fairy story about some stuff that was revealed in a sandplay session - How would I refer to m? I came up with "Evil False Mother" I found it fitted rather well! (Hindus have the concept of the "terrible mother" which perhaps was somewhere in my mind when I came up with this title.)

I managed to bypass m-day most of my life by refusing 'to engage in marketing hype' which I actually believe is the case - luckily it was one thing she did not like either... so I won a minor bit of breathing space... She was able to justify to her friends (and place herself on a throne of uniqueness) by explaining that her daughter had seen through the marketing hype (yours had not). I wish I had seen through her hype years before... the anti-m day things started just out of instinct ie before I 'got the picture'.

Even though m had had a crap childhood it was never talked about - she had risen above it and was now perfection itself!

The stories of the perfect house rang so true - our house had to look like a film crew could turn up any minute, as our house was featured in a home magazine (which made her so awfully proud) it was always possible another would turn up. One story m loved to tell was of a dinner party where she dropped the desert and a guest came in and said 'don't worry, just pick it up, your floor is as clean as a hospital no germ could possibly remain alive'...she basked in the perfection of her clean floor for years.

my goodness, it feels so good to tell these stories in a safe place...

Yes, the Piper questionnaire is pretty spot on, I do it every now and then when I am forgetting how bad it was - all red. I get her newsletter every few days - it is really excellent...

Gosh this thread has really touched my heart... I feel such ache for all the stories of not being heard or understood or believed... that cultivated an inability to trust anyone to hear your story. I was chased, beaten and had my mouth washed out with soap at a very young age (5) when I tried to speak out about an injustice - not surprisingly I did not speak out in defense of myself again.

I think there is is a heap of denial in society - if it really acknowledged all the abuse going on there would not be much 'civilisation' left. While even physical and sexual abuse is hard for them to face up to emotional abuse is so easy to dismiss - it must be your fault! The social hiding place is embedded in this repeated rhyme "sticks and stones might hurt our bones but words can never hurt us"

I too called myself 'weird', the odd one out. I often wonder how different I might have been if I had not had abusive parents - maybe I would have just learned to be my unique self and not had to resort to "weird" to create an aura of being an individual separate from them... don't get me wrong I love 'different' and 'weird'! But I think 'authentic' and 'unique' might have been more life serving.

Yes finding a therapist you can talk to openly is a really important step... I find it financially so difficult to keep my sessions going but mentally it is an important lifeline.

[But]

Hey Blueberry that sounds very intense - thanks for sharing your experience of getting back in contact. I agree it is not all their fault. There were 'extenuating circumstances' which made them the way they are but no matter how much we can recognize that it does not make it OK or the issues we face go away. I have recently read Pete Walkers great books and agree with his idea that placing blame where blame is due is appropriate - it does not mean telling them they are the "the problem" necessarily but it helps me recognise that it was not my fault that this happened, I was not a bad person (a feeling that I am sure many CPTSD suffers are anointed with).

Yes in my family nothing is ever allowed to be M's fault or in full martyr mode, she might take it ALL on as her fault  I can see why EnF did what he did to shield himself from the fall out of her emotional drama games - keep it smooth and 'happy'.  I have never quite seen it quite so clearly, so thank you.

Interesting what you say about setting limits - I am not sure I have it in me to set the boundaries needed and to speak my truth hence my NC (and remote location).  I have not tried to do much explaining, I am not sure  I will even try with parents I know I will be dismissed  (how could it be mother's fault?). My brother and I have always understood M is 'crazy' but he seemed to clam up once I had an NPD/BPD framework and he completely ignores my discussions about CPTSD.  A lot of denial in my family!

So do I speak out or not? ...it is all part of my truth! But as Brene Brown says it is important to know with whom you can share your story without feeling invaded or invalidated... hence LC and NC.

It is hard to keep posts short - this stuff is interesting and needs discussing. Thanks for your input.

OOps thank you for that reminder - I did not know there was actually a guideline... and a very sensible one it is! My first post was long ( not a good starting example) and I apologize and will make any subsequent post shorter.

I will also read the guidelines  :-P

Thank you moderators! 

Such an interesting discussion - I have just had some stuff come up about name. I always remember hating my middle name so never used it and felt squirmy about using it except when I had to (legally) but the other day I spontaneously asked my recently found inner self/guide why I hated my middle name and it told me that I did it to stop being fully myself, it was a way to protect myself. The little girl knew that she could never be fully herself so cut out part of her identity in order to make it through. That made enormous sense!

I have begun signing any things I make with my full name in honor of the little girl who cut out part of herself in order to survive.

The name I mention is my full birth name - I do not want to change and did not when I got married. My surname is actually not the original family name - it was changed by someone a couple of generations ago something about not wanting to be always seen as the 'black sheep' - I rather like that!

Yes names are important and have meaning... I like what Plantsandworms said about compartmentalizing - that could be very powerful. You could start using the name you choose and test it out on friends. I know two people who have changed their names (one to a not very conventional name) and they both find it to be very powerful.

really like the idea of writers' lounge AphoticAtramentous. Two great words making your nick nome by the way!

At school, my writing was dismissed and given low marks so I did not pursue it, I became interested in writing once I discovered journalling at about 38. After thinking I could not write to save my life I actually saw that I had some level of eloquence.

I am not good at stories but do OK with poetry/poetic prose, most usually I write about land and nature.  I published a book of poetry and ephemeral artworks (small artworks made out of things found in the bush) a couple years ago which is both good and bad - the toxic shame of imposter syndrome overtook me and made me feel it was the worst thing I ever did. I also practiced as a sculptor for a while until it too got taken over by imposter syndrome.

I certainly do not write about humans other than as a destructive force. I think when you grow up in a family where "you" and your "I am" is never validated as worthy of anything, human livings holds little interest. I have always found nature to give me some sense of space - of connection, I never feel small in nature.

hi Fen Starshimmer

drumroll...have found a publisher for my short story.

congratulations that is brilliant news

Thanks Blueberry - your validation helps. I am sorry that you continue to have issues with you FOO too.

Your varieties of LCs indicates you have some contact with parents - how do you find that? I am so sure I will fall back into a deep hole when I see father again... just phone calls from them, the parent entity, forced me to go NC. I really wonder why I have tried to set up recontact with my enFather must be that 'hope that it might be better next time' syndrome.

Hello Libby

thanks for replying - knowing that what I have experienced is not "just me" helps. I am always so sorry though to hear of others who have had to put up with the same pain... How is it that this is allowed to happen in a ' civilized' society?

I am so sorry to hear you are in bad place - I hope you can find some way out. I am so glad you have a 'good husband and children' and are not completely alone but I certainly know what you mean - the inner loneliness. Entrained into us when we realised so early on we could not find deep connection from family or friends.

There is not too much else to my story - I have done a lot of things but also stopped doing lots of things, a pattern which I could never quite understand before I encountered imposter syndrome one of the many symptoms of CPTSD. I am currently renovating a house - it has been taking an awfully long time even though it is something I have wanted to do for a long time... it has been so hard to be motivated and I now understand that I have spent huge chunks of time in debilitating flashbacks. I am trying to use lots of tricks to help rewire my brain, from binaural beats to self-hypnosis.

I find seeing a therapist every two weeks is critical - I really struggle to afford it financially but mentally I  cannot afford not to do it! Are you able to see anyone? or join a meetup group? I find that when I go out a bit and engage with others even in light conversation I can alleviate my loneliness and isolation a little bit... I do not find this easy on any account.

thanks again for reaching out in support - please feel free to share more of your story if it helps.

green tree sky

 
I am having a bit of a hard time and feel the need to reach out to other people who understand.

While I have had 'mother issues' for a hundred years and have visited counselors for about 22 of those it is only within the last year that I have understood narcissism and CPTSD - making sense of all the issues I have experienced all my life (now just about to turn 60). Both parents are still alive in mid 80 NM/BPD with enabling father. I instigated no contact with them about 6 months ago which was wonderful but I find it so hard to hold the line that it was them and not me that was the problem.

Our family world was set up to make my mother happy - it was the role my father had taken on and made sure the children upheld his role.  NM is of the seductive variety, (queen BPD) never be seen to be mean or hurtful, she manipulated my father, who is actually very soft-hearted, into punishing the children (my brother and I)  if we did not 'make her happy'.

So while I did get some pretty brutal physical punishment early on the ongoing damaging stuff was her mission to turn me into herself and live vicariously through me. She became adept at using emotional blackmail, backed up by the unspoken threat of physical punishment ('the look' as Pete Walker calls it) ). The subtlety of it makes it SO hard to hold onto the truth that it is not me that caused the depression, low achievement, inability to stick with anything, workaholism, dissociation, the isolating, the codependency, the CPTSD.

-- I was never allowed to say anything that she did not want to hear
-- if I spoke back I was brutally punished -  aged 5 was chased around the property, beaten and had mouth washed out with soap - it only needed to happen once for me to never speak back ever again
-- was not allowed to like any colour she did not like (might seem minor but it was ideological al consuming hatred of pink that even my brother talks of?!?)
-- children should be seen and not heard was high on the behavior rules
-- "be a lady" was used to shame me when they did not approve of my behavior
-- was not allowed to eat a food she did not like
-- must eat everything on my plate or be sent to bed without dessert (dessert was a meal of high importance in the family - as it was the one my mother loved the best)
-- praise her for such a wonderful meal after EVERY SINGLE meal (my father still does it even if it was crap)
-- was not able to choose the clothes I wanted - even if I made them!
-- I was not allowed to close the door of my bedroom 
-- My bedroom had to look ready for a photo crew to turn up at any minute - I could only put up posters that showed of my interests on the inside of my wardrobe door
-- she would intervene in my friendships somehow 'friends' just no longer wanted to see me
-- I was expected to be brilliant at everything so she could bask in the glory, she had wanted the children to become "professionals" (doctor or lawyer would have been good)
-- she would look in the window when my partner and I stayed at their house
-- was never verbally abused by was ignored if what I had done was not on the high end of their approval rating scale
-- and on it goes...

One night at age 18 I just did not go home I left with a boy who they hated - he was not handsome enough, clever enough, or socially well placed. They did so much to break us apart but could not - they made his life * poor guy, but also being a codependent he put up with it  He was a decent boy but I am sure if they had let it run its course I would have gently broken up with him and stayed friends - we instead stayed together in codependent enmeshment for 21 years, remaining all too closely in contact with my parents. Little or no healing happening...

And on and on it goes...

I never want to have contact with my mother again but I have tried to set up contact with my father only - had realized that a relationship with an entity (the parent system) is impossible - how can one expect to have a deep relationship with an entity?

I live on a remote property (self-isolation) with my husband (who while supportive, is not very conversational). I realized I missed my Dad and have asked him to come to visit by himself - something that happened before no contact, as he used to come to help me build things (I was a sculptor**). The meeting is 3 weeks away and I already feel my sense of placing the blame where blame is due ie with them, is fading (yes have read Pete Walker's books). I am feeling myself taking the blame again: how could you be so ungrateful? your mother worked so hard to put you through school, you had food and clothing, your mother is getting old - how could you desert her? (I can hear my father say this or at least imply it - so much was unsaid!) therefore: it must be my fault I am so unhappy and lost.

I have a session with my therapist to workshop the meeting with my Dad - to help me stand my ground and to say stuff that needs to be said... I can though feel the old ways finding their old coat hooks in my being and hanging themselves back up with the same heaviness they always had.

** I was a sculptor with a reasonably high profile but it was agony to work  - only driven by punishing deadlines - I was overtaken by imposter syndrome when I started winning awards and realised  I was making the work to try to make parents NM love me -- Crap!!!! I have stopped working.


Just writing this gets me furious but I cannot hold that it was the lack of unconditional love that put me in the place I am now. I was told by my mother that I should have swept it under the carpet by now...

Anyway, I am going to post this here - even though my old patterns tells met I 'should' not... ( it IS way too long)
Thanks for making this opportunity available.

Hi all this is my first post here on OOTF/S when I saw it noted at the top of the forum page I just had to check it out and just had to post... it is wonderful news: another book by Pete Walker!  I have recently read 'Complex PTSD' and am halfway through 'The Toa of Fully Feeling' - these books have given me so much understanding of what has brought me to this point... and support in how to move forward. His understanding is revelational. And it was his book that brought me here.

I had actually been wondering if he was perhaps in the process of writing another book and here it is announced... 'Homesteading' is now on my reading list!

Look forward to being part of this community