Kizzie's Journal

[Armee]

 

I can't imagine, Kizzie. Just seeing my mom's handwriting on something out of the blue is disturbing. I couldn't imagine how triggered I'd be by an unexpected and uninvited large photo. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through and are going through. It's a lot. You're doing a lot. Take care, your health first.   

[Kizzie]

Tks Armee, awesome hug!

We just had our Zoom group and I can't believe this but I forgot what had really upped my anxiety.  I had conjunctivitis last week and the drops my optometrist gave me had steroids in them. I react badly to steroids even small amounts. I had steroids in my cocktail for cancer in 2007 and wow did they send me. I was climbing the walls and freaking out.  I had to beg the oncologist to stop them.  Anyway, anything with steroids in it cause my anxiety to rise, even eye drops four times daily for a week. What they do is amplify anything I'm feeling anxious about and that was the picture of my father that appeared on my screen, my NM's worsening condition and our move.

I still need to talk to my psychiatrist about what I can do/take when this kind of thing happens or I am badly triggered.  No amount of mindfulness or calm breathing seems to help.

[NarcKiddo]

Ugh. That email. How very unpleasant. I can totally see how that would bring up a ton of grimness. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Kizzie,

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Being sent something like that by my gm would have thrown me for a loop.

Hope you're finding a way to regulate 

dolly

[Kizzie]

Tks DollyVee and NarcKiddo   

[sanmagic7]

with you, kizzie.  i hate being blindsided.  it brings out the worst in me, or shuts me down completely.  never good tho.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

 

[Kizzie]

Tks San and Moondance, it really did blindside me. Tells me how much I am still reactive to some things and maybe always will be.  I had thought I would eventually just get over all this - hah!

[natureluvr]

Kizzie, I'm sorry to hear about your bad reaction to the steroids.  I understand the reactivity, because I'm the very same way. I, too, hope my reactivity reduces someday. 

[Kizzie]

Tks Natureluvr   

[Blueberry]

I can't imagine, Kizzie. Just seeing my mom's handwriting on something out of the blue is disturbing. I couldn't imagine how triggered I'd be by an unexpected and uninvited large photo. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through and are going through. It's a lot. You're doing a lot. Take care, your health first.   

 

[sanmagic7]

yeah, kizzie, i keep thinking/hoping that those triggers are going to be taken in stride when BAM! another one knocks me over instead.  it absolutely sucks, and i, too, am sorry you're having to go thru this.  love and hugs

[Kizzie]

I know, right San?!  I talked to my T about this and told her I am shifting from thinking I will eventually get rid of the symptoms to managing them better. I believed there would come a day when it would all be gone, but I see now that it won't.

It is depressing that it doesn't ever go away but I feel like if I accept that, it will make things easier. It's like hoping my NM would change and then accepting she wouldn't, it did make things easier. Anyway, like you it's that "bam" thing that I hate, the triggers I don't see coming I must say that bother me the most. Understandable I guess.   

[NarcKiddo]

I'm reading Pete Walker's book at the moment and have just got to the bit where he likens it to diabetes. You can't get rid of it but you can manage it. I think he is right. But I also think that there could/will be a time when you don't actually notice any symptoms, or hardly ever do.

For quite a few of us there will come a time when our abuser no longer walks this earth. In your case, sooner rather than later, Kizzie. Dealing with that transition is always going to be tough, as is realising that once the person is no longer here, we still remain along with all of our baggage. I have realised, since starting therapy, that when the longed-for day arrives for me I may not be much further forward unless I have worked on myself. I guess there will always be things that trigger us. I am often surprised by things seemingly unrelated to my mother that get me worked up.But surely once the primary trigger is gone things have to get easier. And surely we get better at noticing what is problematic for us and learning how to manage it. And eventually everything that was so, so hard at first becomes a habit. We know how to love ourself. We know how to set boundaries. We know what situations are likely to be problematic so we can avoid if possible and prepare if necessary. I used to be obese, drank to horrendous excess and never took exercise. I have turned all of that round. It took years but what was hideously tough and unpleasant is now a non-negotiable part of my life and I can honestly say I enjoy it. I know it would be easy to back slide if I don't monitor what I am doing, especially on the wine and chocolate front when NM needles me. But it's OK at worst and damn good at best. I honestly think all of us can hope to achieve OK at worst and damn good at best with our C-PTSD too.

[Armee]

That all rings very true with me NK. There's still triggers now that all my parents are all gone they are just triggers. While she was still alive I was being retraumatized at least weekly and that's a whole different ball game. Once they are gone...healing is possible. I feel mostly good most of the time. 2 years ago I couldn't step straight.