Kizzie's Journal

[Kizzie]

Wow you folks are great and I totally feel hugged and supported. You are the bubble shield Armee mentioned. If only we could have had one when we were all younger!  I remember going through these types of triggering situations alone except for my H and no-one before I was married. I can't imagine how I survived, honestly. I guess I got good at stuffing things down but I can't do that very well anymore (witness the time in hospital recently), so I must find healthy ways of dealing with the things that I have not yet dealt with or that are thrust on me like this current situation.

Papa, tks for the absolutely lovely post I felt warmed to my toes, San for the reassurance, and Dolly good to see you back. 

[sanmagic7]

we got you, kizzie.  thanks for letting us in.  love and hugs

[Kizzie]

So I just emailed my NM who is terminal and told her I can't go to visit because my mental health is still wobbly and both my psychologist and psychiatrist recommended I stay put (true).  I didn't tell her she was a big part of the reason, just that a trip was too much for me. 

Hopefully this makes me feel better rather than worse.  I am so trained to put her first so to put myself first even when she is terminal.  This decision is something, I don't know quite what that is, but it's big. I have to hang onto the thought that she was never really there for me unless being the good mom made her look good or got her attention and that she put herself first always. Even when I had a serious cancer she loved all the phone calls she got from relatives and friends commiserating with her. That did me in.

So I have to tell the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) engrained in me to blow away if/when it floats in. Hard, just so hard.   

[Papa Coco]

Kizzie

My heart is with yours right now. When I left my family I just kept saying "My family finally got so ugly that even I couldn't love them anymore." And that affirmation helped me to put the blame for the separation squarely on where it belonged...onto the people who manipulated me rather than loved me. The statement also implies that I have a great capacity for love, and they rejected it so they could manipulate and hurt me every chance they got.

I can only imagine the emotional struggle this is bringing up for you. I support your decision to not visit her. I think it's wise and courageous. It's a major step in your life. You are taking a proper, self-protective step now. I also believe that it's causing a stir in your emotions because you were born with a good heart. You're there when people need you, your motives are pure in whatever you do, and you're dealing with a narcissist who, no matter what, will never care about you half as much as she cares about herself. She did the damage that you live with daily. So, now, as her life is finishing its journey you're putting distance between her and yourself. If not now, when? She WILL keep hurting you if you get too close. You have the right to protect yourself. She'll be miserable whether you're in the picture or not. Narcissists are just miserable people. Especially when they get older. They know they're too mean to be loved, but they keep manipulating anyway. Pushing people away.

I believe you are doing the right thing, and that, just because it's the right thing, that doesn't mean it's easy.

HUGE HUG from me: 

[Armee]

My earlier reply got lost in the ether, so I will say "yeah that" to everything Papa Coco wrote. I'm proud of what you've been able to do here, and the strength and boundaries you are implementing to get through this difficult situation will also be muscles you can flex easier in future situations life throws at you. If you can protect yourself for this, then perhaps everything else will almost feel easy.

[NarcKiddo]

I get how tough the decision must have been. But well done, you, for going through with it and sending that email. You need to look after you and I am so, so glad that is what you are doing. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Kizzie,

You did a big thing and took some space for yourself. I hope you and the parts of you that still want your nm can see that you are doing the best for you and not someone else. You are not responsible for her survival, she was meant to be responsible for yours. You didn't ask to be born, she was meant to take care of you.

A part of me got a bit alarmed that you told her it was for your mental health. In my family that would be seen as a weakness I feel, that there was something wrong with me. But I also think I would often take on the responsibility for not doing something because 1) it was just easier as they would never understand 2) I think a very young part of me always believed that it was my fault and was very willing to take it on in order to have her/their affection. This is relating to me of course, but I guess I got worried about your safety and if she can use that against you as well as my own reaction to it. The legacy of narcissism.

Like PC said, the right thing isn't always the easy thing 
dolly

[Kizzie]

Thank you all so much. I know if I went there and gave her even a smidge of an opening, she would take a mile and possibly hurt me because that's what N's do as you say Papa. I also asked my NB not to contact me and he agreed but at some stage I will have to talk with him. Anyway, my NM replied and took the high road as I hoped she might. We've been in touch more than before and I am kind and supportive, but also she wants to maintain that good M image right to the very end and I'm happy for her to do so. I am very relieved although I wonder what's ahead because she will decline.

I did tell her it was for my own mental health because she was aware I was in the hospital, in an inpatient and outpatient program and receiving electroconvulsive therapy. I am trying to be honest these days and not feel shame or that I have to be secretive about what I'm going through. She of course did not ask why I was depressed and anxious. She may have spread the word because it garners her attention but I don't care, I'm not in touch with my extended family. Let them think what they think. I would have been so terrified if she found out a few decades back for the whole reason she would use it, but not anymore and that's a good feeling.

[dollyvee]

Hi Kizzie,

Thanks for clarifying. I get that you don't want to feel shame or be secretive about what you're doing. I didn't see it as any of those things. I think, to me, it would have been protective and an understandable thing to do given your nm's past behaviour, not in a hiding way though. Something I'm still learning, very slowly I might add, is that with certain people you need to be protective and that trust is earned. Actually, my t has taught me that trust has to be earned with everyone. I was always very quick to be open and divulge everything etc because I didn't want to hide anything, but found that other people didn't approach me with that same energy and I would then be left reeling when they hurt me/didn't show up like that. Also something I never learned  growing up because I always had to be open and available for supply. This pertains to me though and glad you're at a good place with it. I'm sorry she didn't ask you how you were doing 

[Kizzie]

I definitely don't share this with anyone as you're absolutely right, there are many people out there who are not trustworthy, one of those being my NM. I did share with my M because I wanted her to know I was not in a good place and could not visit, even if that meant her telling other family/friends. As I said, that's OK because I don't see any of them any more.

I also told a friend I know had trauma in her background, my son, you folks here, my colleagues at the Complex Trauma Special Interest Group because if you can't trust them.... plus I was Co-Chair and had to step away. And I wrote the article about being in care and it was published in their newsletter because it will go to clinicians and professionals in the field of trauma, again very trustworthy group. I also put it in our blog because again, survivors and professionals reading it are inherently trustworthy if they are taking the time to read it IMO.

Good point to make I agree, if you're going to out yourself make sure you do it in a safe way and that you can manage any kind of criticism or whatever comes your way because of it.  Before this I was secretive with everyone pretty much except my H, I didn't even really talk to my S about my difficulties.  And here I felt as Admin I had to be strong or something    Kind of crazy I know but that's where I was at before. 

Now I want to talk about these things with caring/supportive people because I am through being secretive and ashamed.  My NM was the exception because of the circumstance of her being terminal, otherwise I probably would not have told her. It felt normal that she did not ask why I was depressed and anxious by the way, I barely thought about it which tells you how little we expect from N parents. One sign of recovery I guess is that does not hurt me as deeply as it once would have, it's just sad.   

[Blueberry]

Good point to make I agree, if you're going to out yourself make sure you do it in a safe way and that you can manage any kind of criticism or whatever comes your way because of it.     

I needed to read that this weekend. Thank you.

And here I felt as Admin I had to be strong or something    Kind of crazy I know but that's where I was at before. 

     for your progress on this point! Not crazy though, no, I wouldn't say that, so please don't be hard on yourself for where you were then

Now I want to talk about these things with caring/supportive people because I am through being secretive and ashamed. 
 

     

It felt normal that she did not ask why I was depressed and anxious by the way, I barely thought about it which tells you how little we expect from N parents. One sign of recovery I guess is that does not hurt me as deeply as it once would have, it's just sad.   

It IS sad but I'm glad your M's reaction no longer hurts as much as it would have before.

[Kizzie]

So lovely to see you back on the forum BB and tk you for your kind and supportive thoughts. 

I should add that when/if the book a group of us are seeing about writing (an anthology of survivor stories and essays about what we want others to know) comes to fruition I am going to use my real name rather than a pseudonym. It's time and I want others to know that relational trauma is NOT something you can think your way out of. I have a doctorate and I have exactly the same symptoms and issues as everyone here and I struggle to recover so it impacts everyone who is exposed to it. And I also want to send the message that it isn't something that you can just let go of or that fades over time. It affects us over the lifespan. I am 66 soon to be 67 and here I am.  We need more and better treatment and services specifically for relational trauma just like the vets and first responders have for PTSD and the trauma they face(d).

Wow, guess I really am out now lol. 

[dollyvee]

I'm glad you have the strength to do what you did. "The gossip" was one of the things in my family that really triggered me, having other people speak about me when I wasn't present. I guess the situation just felt so out of my control, and made other situations feel out of my control not to mention doubting myself. When people do that, it's like a complete feeling of powerlessness. It took me a long time to realize that that's not true (and still working on it).

I don't think you have to be strong as an admin, we're all human and all trying the best we can with this stuff. I've only told one person at work about PTSD and regretted it because I don't think anyone is trustworthy where I work, but that could be fearful avoidant stuff. I do feel more empowered now having people earn my trust. For me, I think being the truth teller in my family, or the way being a truth teller played out where I told the truth but was then dragged back into the family, constantly having to prove myself, has turned me into a crusader at times. I will "fight" for things or stand up for what I believe in, even if it is costly in a way to me, emotionally, physically, etc. On some level I feel I'm doing the right thing, but on another still playing out my role in the family dynamic. I was always the strong one, the one that took on all the responsibility etc. It's one of those things that's almost like a double edged sword - I think that growing up in an NPDfamily gave me these qualities and t's a good thing (to see the truth etc), but maybe in doses that work for me? Another one I'm still working out.

I echo what bb said, I'm glad your m's reaction doesn't hurt as much as before. 

[Kizzie]

I agree Dolly, that whole smear campaign had me scared to death for a lot of my years which is why I ended up going NC with my family and extended family.  Just could not handle knowing my NM was painting a certain picture of me that was damming.  I saw her do it with my father, and I knew from things family said to me she was doing it to me. After a few years of NC I realized I didn't really care anymore, go ahead and think what you like because I know none of it is true and I don't see anyone so no more awkward events to go to and cringe a week ahead of them thinking what my NM had said about me. What a terrible thing to do when you think about it.  Now when I hear a parent say what I would class as mean things about their child I immediately wonder if they are N.  I never said anything like that about our son and most healthy parents didn't say really negative things either.  There was complaining of course but nothing putting a child down.  Huge red flag with me. 

I see myself as the truth teller in my family too BTW.  One T I saw years ago said "You took the family picture down off the wall and smashed it" and that was why I was the scapegoat. It's a 'good' thing I think Dolly, we may have developed CPTSD but not NPD which is I think where many of us end up is we can't see reality, if we can't keep grounded in some way. Maybe being the one who has to fight does that I don't know. 

[Kizzie]

So I am having a really tough time this week, a ton of anxiety I can't seem to bring down so have asked to see my psychiatrist to see if we can increase me medication temporarily or permanently, I expect he will know.

My NM is getting worse and that weighs on me. Plus we are trying to thin out a big three bedroom house to get ready to move in the fall and that is making me quite anxious - giving up things that have meaning, the whole idea of moving again (moved many times in my life as my H was military as was my father).

My mom did send a picture of my F on what would have been his birthday and it seems to have started from there. When I opened the email it was a giant picture of him and it rocked me back on my heels.  I had been remembering all the ways in which he was abusive and that brought up even more things. I guess that was it, it made me remember my entire childhood as really quite awful.

I hate having CRTR (CPTSD).