the future

[ednasurvivalmode]

I'm terrified of writing this and someone finding it and that someone being the person I'm referring to. This person is someone that I cannot trust with even the smallest information about myself. They will use it to emotionally cut me down like a lawn mower. This person is my mother. I came here to really find support at this time because I have choices that need to be made in regards to her. I'm struggling with giving the full back story or just a few bits of info in order to save my anxiety.

My mother is a diagnosed HPD. My father is a diagnosed NPD. Both were diagnosed by the same professional. I was never told by my mother what she was diagnosed with because she said it wasn't accurate but she believed the diagnosis of my father. That was the focus for her. I went NC with my F many years ago. I have allowed my M to be a part of my children's lives but noticed in the beginning that I could not count on her to be there for me. She would be a victim of my toddler's tantrums, correct me in front of my kids and cuddle them when I would correct them making me out to be a terrorizer, walk into my home without knocking or calling first, expect me to drop my plans to care for her episodes, belittle and degrade my husband and his family at any opportunity, ignore me in conversation unless I had anything that pertained to gossip, call and emotionally dump on me about siblings and family members and try to pull info out of me about them, and put me down for any little thing she could find fault in me for. I have, over the course of about ten years, backed away from her and set boundaries. Each time a boundary is set, she throws fits and lashes out to punish me in any way she knows will hurt me. And **** is she good at it. I am all but NC with her now. Her spite and jealousy over my life and the people in it has caused this. Now, she has cancer. Which p***es me off so much because she has been playing the dying card for most of my life. I flip and flop between feeling guilty for not being there for her and being so angry that she has this to add to her arsenal of guilt trips. I honestly feel that her death wouldn't make me sad, I feel relief at the thought. I don't feel guilty about that yet, but if it really happened, I hope I can cope with whatever comes from it. I can't cry about it and I'm angry that it makes me sad.

She acts as though I'm punishing her by keeping my children away but I know deep down that I am protecting them. Even when she's with me in front of them, she body shames people out loud, criticizes my kids for the way they dress and act(they're teens and they're healthy and able to express themselves), finds ways to covertly attack me and when I defend myself calmly she replies like a victim. She has even gone so far as to create arguments right in front of her between me and my husband, making one of us angry at the other and defending her because of her ability to manipulate. My kids see it. But I still feel like maybe she's right. Maybe I am being selfish. What if I'm wrong? Why can't I just let things go?

Am I right to protect my current family from my M? I feel like I should. I hung a pic of myself (I hate seeing pics of my younger self) when I was about ten, in my room and I vowed to protect her from this woman. I did this as a little experiment to practice self love. Some days are better than others.

Leaving with a laugh: I guess I don't have to worry about her reading and identifying herself in any of it's contents because she doesn't do this. This is all in my head.

[Kizzie]

In a word Edna, yes.  You are completely in the right to protect yourself and your family given how abusive she is. Listen to that voice from deep down that tells you what you need to do. That's your protective, nurturing self and it will not steer you wrong. The saying "trust your gut" is so true for us, but we have been trained to ignore it. Hanging that picture of younger you was brilliant! 

I also wanted to mention that if you are nervous about your M finding your posts, you can always write in our private journal area.  Only you and the other members can see the section. If you'd like to be a part of it just let me know by PM or email me at l.herod@yahoo.ca. 

Kizzie

 

[Papa Coco]

Edna,

Oh my gosh, I totally support you going NC with your M. When you read the books on how to manage life with a Sociopath or narcissist in the picture, you'll see that even the experts advise to "Run, not walk, RUN from them and break all contact if possible". (My favorite book on the topic is The Sociopath Next Door by Dr. Martha Stout. In her book, she teaches how to get narcissists out of our heads and how to deal with them, or how to get free from them).

Your M gets angry that you are protecting yourself because that's how bullies are. The one thing a bully hates more than anything else, is when their victims stand up to them. Your M is just being pi$$y because she's nothing more than just a common, everyday bully, and you are standing up to her. And that enrages her the way it enrages any cold-hearted predator.

I went NC with my entire large catholic family 14 years ago. I continue to hope I never see any of them ever again for as long as I live. My Narc was an elder sister. She had the family in her spell. I have been devoted to living a life of peace and compassion since birth, and that monster saw me as an easy victim. No one is easier to bully than someone who wants to be loved. And every time that monster would start another lie around the family so that she could chuckle at how much pain she caused me, the sense of betrayal worked on me until my lifelong passive suicidality became active. In 2010, to save my own life, I went NC with everyone: parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces and family friends because the narcissist in my life, my older sister, was so viscous and so mean and such an intense liar and gossiper, that the whole family was often angry at me for things that I never did.

I wrote more, but I had to delete it. What your M does to you triggers me. I'm very glad you asked this question, and I'm glad I was able to give my 2 cents. I hope the very best for you. Nobody, anywhere, has any reason to feel guilty about cutting a narcissist out of their lives. Ever since leaving my big family, I've believed that to suffer for my family is noble. But to suffer because of my family is just stupid. NOBODY should ever have to defend themselves against their own mother or sibling. ALL the shame and guilt should be placed squarely on where it belongs: Onto the sociopath who forced our hand to protect ourselves from them.

That's my 2 cents.

[ednasurvivalmode]

Thank you, Kizzie. It's frustrating to come so far and to still feel this way. I truly think she feels that I'm the abusive one here and the gaslighting is difficult. I'm aware that if I were the abusive party, I wouldn't be questioning my actions.

[ednasurvivalmode]

Papa Coco, thank you for your strength and for your support! I have heard of this book and I'll check it out. I'm currently 5 books deep.  Reading has become my escape. It's safe and better for my liver. One of my dear friends was from a catholic family, large and close-knit. Remembering their dynamic, I can imagine that must still be difficult for you. Your words helped me to feel seen and heard today and to know that I can be strong too. You also replied to another comment I wrote in a different thread about not trusting people. And what you said about not trusting family and those close to you is 100% relatable. I've been working on my expectations of others lately but I don't want to fall back into feeling like I can fix myself to make others happy sort of thing. Just keeping it realistic. Thank you sincerely.

Edna

[Little2Nothing]

Edna, you are definitely doin the right thing to protect your family from abuse. 

[ednasurvivalmode]

Thank you. That's much appreciated!