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Wow, I was tidying up, and I found the note - so, before I lose it again, I thought I'd make a note here:
Recently I read a Memoir written by Maude Julien and Ursula Gauthier called 'A Memoir by Maude Julien' (2018) - Maude Julien is a psychotherapist who specialises in child trauma, manipulation and mind control and she lives in Paris.  The publisher was Oneworld Publications - I borrowed it from the library.  I found it very good for allowing my younger parts to experience someone's life that was controlled and manipulated - and how she coped with that and how she got through it.  It really helped younger parts of me to read that Memoir.  I related to a lot of the things she wrote about, and the way she thought about things.  So it was a helpful book for me to read.

I'm going to get back to my tidying process now - as I am making good progress and I can tear up that piece of paper now. 

Really glad to find that note and write about it.

Hi Blueberry,
Sending you a hug     It's a big thing that you recognise when you're in an EF.  I really hope it doesn't last too long - and that you have some better moments within it.

Hope 

Hi Dollyvee,
I'm glad that you found that book to be helpful - and I hope that the process to read your child records will go ok - I also think it's a brave step.   
Hope 

Hi NarcKiddo,  Yes, I think you're right about the dreams - they are ok experiences.  I was just surprised by the content.  I am glad to be having some of those dreams.  Much better than night terrors.  Definitely!

Hi Woodsgnome, I very much appreciate what you shared regarding your thoughts - thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, and I infact welcome them!  I like the idea of the possibility of considering a broader horizon.  Maybe the dreams are a pointer in that kind of direction.  Or that the sense of surprise - that it is building an awareness - that makes sense. 

     to you both, NarcKiddo and Woodsgnome. 

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31st May 2024
I have been considering the fact that I've mislaid the notes I made, and then I look at my environment just now and realise it's a bit disorganised - so I am planning to try to tidy up and sort through things, and then maybe I'll find some things.  If I do, that's great, but if not, the outcome will be a tidier environment. 

I'll therefore focus on that this afternoon - try to spend a minimum of half an hour up to an hour.  Then do something entirely different - and hopefully relaxing to reward myself for the sorting process.

Hope 

Thank you so much Blueberry -   

30th May 2024
I had written some notes on a piece of paper - things I wanted to mention here, about things I'd read.  But for some reason I think that a part of me has hidden that piece of paper, and I just want to express my frustration that I can't find it!  I can't even remember the title of the book or the author that I wanted to mention, and now the book is no longer in the house, as I've taken it back to the library. 

Never mind.  Maybe I'll find it again at some point.

I was dreaming last night and also this past week - attending parties and I am surprised by that, as I don't tend to lead that lifestyle in my current time of life.  I tend to avoid social situations!  I'm wondering if maybe repressed things are coming up at night, and therefore my dreams reflect that at the moment.  I don't mind - it's been interesting to experience those contrasting things.  But I am surprised by it.

Hope 

Hi Libby,
I am really glad that you're approaching a new phase of moving forward - and that you've accomplished so much regarding the withdrawal process from those medications.  I also experienced a significant period of time withdrawing from medications in past years - I was so shocked by how difficult it was.  I wish I'd known there was a support website about surviving antidepressants - anyway - I am happy that you've managed to get through it, and I hope the next phase goes well.   
Hope 

Hi Armee and NarcKiddo,
Thank you   

I have been able to do more things today - so I think the energy is coming back.  I am happy about that.
Hope 

Dear Phoebes,
I am so sorry to hear that your lovely dog is no longer here.  My condolences on your loss. 
Hope

Dear PapaCoco, SanMagic, Dollyvee and Natureluvr,
Thank you all for what you said.  I really want to respond individually, but I've been feeling a bit stuck with my ability to express myself in the past couple of days - and I can't generate sufficient energy to manage to do that!  But I really appreciate what you each said so much.  Thank you. 

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28th May 2024
I do feel lacking in energy this past couple of days, and like I can't manage to get very much done, and can't express myself.  However, I would like to write some things here, and especially about some things I've recently read - and therefore I hope I can enable myself to do that in the coming days.

Hope 

Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you so much for sharing this - I have just listened to it, and found it really helpful.  It's made me feel quite emotional, so I'm going to exercise some self-care. 
Hope

Hi PaperDoll,
Wishing you the best for your break. 
Take care,
Hope 

Dear NarcKiddo, Armee, Woodsgnome and Blueberry,
Thank you all for what you wrote.  I am going to re-read what you each wrote in the coming days, as I want to really take it in, and process it - because it means a LOT to me that you wrote those things.  Thank you 

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18th May 2024
I am feeling so grateful for everyone's support and care here, I can 'feel it' - which is a strong feeling, quite an emotional feeling.  It's a precious feeling too.  I am thankful for being able to feel it. 

Hope 

Hi Little2Nothing,
Wishing you the best in everything, and hope you'll pop back, if you want to. 
Hope 

Wow James, I am feeling so hopeful reading your updates here, and thank you for sharing your developments and the outcomes of those.  I am really happy that you have your life again, and wishing you success with your latest book. 
Hope 

Thank you Dollyvee 

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16th May 2024
I watched a film a couple of days ago, which I found very good to watch, as a younger part of me really focused on the experiences and issues raised within that film. 

Trigger Warning (TW) it is about CSA

The film is called 'The Girl Who Escaped: The Kara Robinson Story' - it is based on a real life story, and the girl was just 15 years old.  I just found the portrayal of the girl, and what happened, and how she reacted and the issues that were portrayed, it really helped a younger part of myself.  There was a point in the film when someone said "Just give her some time, she's processing a lot" and that also helped me.  I thought to myself that with regard to all my own issues from back then, that nobody ever took any  time whatsoever to consider my feelings, and how I was, and I never had time to process things.  Infact it's only really now, in my 6th decade of life (mid to late 50's) that I'm actually beginning to take time to process things - and I have only just really got my nervous system to focus on a less hypervigilant stressed state, so that I can begin to process things and see things.

I still find it very clunky to try to talk about any of this, and I've not done much of that verbally - I can write, but it feels clunky when I try to do that.  Sometimes I think that I might try some therapy to force myself to say things 'out loud' - as I feel that would be helpful, but I also don't feel I want to do that, as I fear how that whole thing would be.  I struggle currently to even see a medical kind of appointment, let alone face attending a therapy session.  I do know I could do it, and I could approach someone that I saw before, but somehow I don't want to.

I didn't realise that I'd end up writing this - it wasn't at all what I intended to write when I came here - but my rule of not editing myself, I'll leave it there.

Hope